Festung Europa

The Republican Party Is Fucked

2012-01-23T15:44:00.001+01:00

The Republican Party is Fucked:

Pondering the South Carolina primary while touring Fort Collins’ finest breweries.

Three days ago, on my baby brother’s 27th birthday, I was ready to end my coverage of the dull ass Republican primary and then something amazing happened. These chickenshit dickheads did their best to totally fuck it all up. Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney had already won both the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary and no one had EVER won both (since 1972, of course) and failed to get his party’s nomination. In the Bible Land of South Carolina, Willard (frequently referred to as Magic Underpants on this esteemed publication) had a considerable lead where Evangelicals routinely called the Mormon religion a cult.

Monday morning, former Utah governor, former Chinese ambassador, and father of smoking hot daughters, Jon Huntsman dropped out of the race and endorsed Willard. This endorsement came after several weeks of Huntsman calling Willard “unelectable.” Maybe he’s endorsing the “unelectable” candidate to pave the way for his 2016 run. Besides Ron Paul, Huntsman was the most tolerable candidates to thinking Americans (aka liberals), especially as he said that he would trust the scientists on global warming and evolution. I see Huntsman primed to be the nominee in 2016 and here’s why. Studies have been completed showing that the longer either the Democratic or Republican party has not held the presidency, the more likely they are to nominate a moderate. Conversely, they are more likely to nominate an ideologue the less amount of time they have been out of office. This time around, Republican swine are clamoring for their candidates to go as far right wing as possible and that’s why Willard is suffering. It may be that the field is so weak that a moderate like Willard ends up with the nomination but it won’t be from a lack of effort from Bible beaters and Doomsday advocates. Huntsman should be a strong force when the Republican party moves to the center before the next presidential election should Obama win re-election, which is looking more and more likely.

With Huntsman out of the race, Mr. Oops Himself, Rick Perry, dropped his candidacy and endorsed Newt Gingrich (known to this esteemed publication as Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, or Marshmallow Man for short). Marshmallow Man appeared to be gaining some traction in South Carolina, where he once led by a considerable margin, especially following his “strong” performance at Monday night’s debate. Numerous signs pointed to Marshmallow Man seriously challenging Magic Underpants for the winner-takes-all South Carolina primary. Willard slipped up when he said he wouldn’t release his tax returns until April and his effective tax rate was around “15%”. In addition, Willard suggested that he made “a little money, not a lot” as a speaker last year. How much, gentle reader, did he make last year in speaker’s fees? Over $350,000 or as Bill Maher says of Mitt Romney, “just a rounding error.” So Magic Underpants gutted companies while making bookoo bucks gutting companies during his tenure at Bain Capital, now pays around 15% as his effective tax rate and won’t show us his past tax returns? He should be hurting, right?

Here is the reason why I am back as your trusty alco-political correspondent. Three minutes, yes three minutes, after Rick Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, Marshmallow Man’s former wife claimed that he wanted an open marriage. Now if this is hard for you to digest, now is the time to blast some brain cells and enjoy a couple of beers while I led you through Fort Collins’ fine beer scene.

Saturday, January 21, 2012, 5:35 PM EST: My adopted hometown of Fort Collins, Colorado has a population of a little over 150,000 and is an hour north of Denver. Fort Collins is also the home of Colorado State University (my alma mater, go RAMS!!), low crime, and one of the whitest populations outside of Vermont. Since our political scene deserves more than a couple of sentences, let’s just say that we usually elect bitchy women for our congressional district. What makes Fort Collins work visiting, besides the amazing company of Barb and Daryl Nielsen and Barb’s world famous lasagna, is its beer scene. Fort Collins is home to ten breweries: New Belgium, Odell, Fort Collins, Funkwerks, Crooked Stave, Equinox, Coopersmiths, Pateros Creek, CB & Potts, and the giant, now foreign-owned, Anheuser-Busch. Many estimates claim that Fort Collins has more breweries per capita than any other city over 100,000 people with the possible exception of Portland, Oregon. Many now call Colorado’s Front Range the “Napa Valley of Beer” and if the Front Range is the Napa Valley of beer, then Fort Collins is the crown jewel.

Most hip, youngsters (read twenty/thirty year olds) jump on their bikes on sunny Saturday afternoons and bike between the city’s many fine breweries. Today, I choose to visit Odell Brewing Company who make famous brews such as Easy Street Wheat, 90 Schilling, and their new, runaway hit, Myrcenary Double IPA. At Odell, a sample tray of their six regular, year-round beers will run you six bucks for six samples at about 2-3 oz/sample. They also offer a pilot tray (also $4 and featuring seasonal releases and limited brews) and usually a co-pilot tray ($8 and featuring stronger, more limited releases). If you have tasted all of Odell’s beers available in your local liquor store, you will still be able to taste numerous new beers on these trays.

Odell's wonderful sampler

As RateBeer’s number one rate of Odell’s beers, I showed up at the brewery having already tasted 83 different beers of theirs, and I still found six new beers to try! I elected for a $4 pilot tray that offered several new beers: The Deal Breaker, Henri’s Hoppy Thing, Isolation Ale (their winter seasonal available in stores where Odell’s beer is sold), Helios IPA, Cruise Control, and Black-Ale-Licious.

My personal favorite was The Deal Breaker, an American Pale Ale, aimed at macro beer drinkers in an attempt to expand their horizons. The Deal Breakers pours a clear golden orange appearance with a white head and has a piney/grassy/floral hoppy, sweet bready malty aroma. The flavor is best described as a mild citrusy, somewhat floral hoppy, sweet pale malty flavor that is light-bodied. It was a very easy drinking American Pale Ale with a good, subdued, citrusy hop presence.

Aroma: 7/10, Appearance: 4/5, Taste: 8/10, Palate: 4/5, Overall: 14/20

Henri’s Hoppy Thing was a tasty, solid, grapefruit-forward hoppy IPA (7/10) and Helios IPA was a drinkable, yet disappointing, toasty malty, dull hoppy IPA (6/10). Cruise Control was an interesting experiment (like many of the beers on their pilot and co-pilot trays) and was dark lager that lacked roasty characters but did have a toasty, toffee element (6/10). Black-Ale-Licious has a really fucking stupid name and the beer wasn’t all that much better. It used dark malts and English ale yeast to create an English-style ale that wasn’t a porter or a stout (5.5/10). Finally, I also tasted a half pint of Alpha Dog IPA ($4/half pint) which was aimed at producing an IPA with 125 IBUs, which is very high for a beer. Fortunately (or unfortunately), this aim did not result in a massively bitter beer and instead produced a very tasty IPA that had the taste of a grapefruit or orange cream pie. If you’re a fan of citrusy IPAs (like I am), then this baby was a winner (7.5/10).

6:45 PM EST: With that those tasty brews consumed, it’s time to get to the one single event that brought me back as your go-to, alco-political correspondent. Newt Gingrich abandoned his first wife, Jackie Battley, after consuming an extensive affair with his soon to be second wife, Marianne Ginther, in 1980. Following a similar pattern, Newt left Marianne for a hotter piece of tail, Callista Bisek, a House of Representatives staffer in 2000 after carrying on an eight year affair. This was all previously reported, but a new nugget to the whole story emerged Thursday when ex-wife Marianna was interviewed and stated that the Marshmallow Man asked for an open relationship!!! Here is the man that wanted to impeach Bill Clinton for getting a blowjob from a fat chick all while he was banging two women and angling for his wife to endorse his idea of becoming swingers! Marianne claimed that Newt told her that Callista was OK with an open relationship and he wanted to check with her. She said no. Marianne, you dingy prude. Marianne, you kinky slut.

Where did this hairbrain scheme come from? Evidence is scant, but one amateur psychotherapist suggested that after two grueling, kinky minutes of missionary sex, an idea “came” to Newt. “Callista, fetch my Fairy Dust,” yelled the Marshmallow Man. Obediently, the future Mrs. Marshmallow Man collected a powder of unknown origin, but purported to be concocted from a mixture of Tenocyclidine, Ecstasy, Cocaine and Viagra. After taking two bumps of Fairy Dust off of Callista’s nipples (this is not an easy task as gravity has not been friendly to her girls), Newt exclaimed, “Let’s have an open relationship!!” This rumor is sketchy at best, but we at Festung Europa are not against scandalous smut. Whether the Fairy Dust was the catalyst to Newt asking Marianne for an open relationship, we’ll never know. What remains most puzzling is that Newt Gingrich has had a kinkier (and way more active!) sex life in the past fifteen years than the revered, Chris Meyer. (Ed. note: Unfortunately, this is likely true, unlike the rest of this paragraph!)

On Thursday January 20th, three minutes after the Marshmallow Man received an endorsement from Texas ditz, Rick Perry, details of his desire for an open relationship were divulged. Later in the day, Rick Santorum was announced the winner of Iowa. Later in the evening, Newt unleashed his inner Jeffrey Dahmer and ate John King alive for asking about his “open relationship” as the first question of CNN’s debate. What a fucked up day.

So that’s where we are now. Newt has “newt-mentum” (even though he wants to endlessly bang as many chicks as possible, and it should be noted that we do not condemn such behavior at Festung Europa), Mitt is being bashed for making a fuckload of money by the money grubbers of the Republican party, Santorum evidently won Iowa (no one gives a fuck now), and Ron Paul is polling in double digits in South Carolina despite saying that he would not have ordered the military to blow of Osama’s head.

Nate Silver of 538 predicts that Newt will garner 39% of the vote, while Mitt will receive 29% of the vote. Nate’s model is very aggressive in weighting the most recent polls. RealClearPolitics is estimating that Newt will win by five points. I think this is closer to my prediction, so I will go with Newt 37, Mitt 31.

7:33 PM EST: Fox, ABC, and NBC are already calling the race for Newt!! Fuck yeah! What an amazing, late birthday present. The Republican Party is a group of nasty, greedy, sub-Neanderthal retards and tonight, again, they are proving it. The Republican Party is fucked. While a few days ago, it appeared that the Republicans would “luck” out and nominate their most moderate candidate, they have self-destructed. This race is going to continue to April and maybe beyond and these fucking numbskulls, in their journey to find the wackiest, most fucked up right-winger, are killing their party’s chances of defeating an illegal immigrant from Kenya (or wait was it Indonesia, or was it Kansas??). Where does this put us in the race? Iowa -> Santorum, New Hampshire -> Romney, South Carolina -> Gingrich. Florida is up next and based on the Marshmallow Man’s strong showing in South Carolina, you have to like his odds in Florida. Gingrich should be receiving a bump from this win in South Carolina; whether it is in the polls or off of Callista’s tit, we’ll have to wait and see. I’m getting giddy with excitement with this complete implosion of the Republican Party. Time to blast some more brain cells.

Next on our tour of Fort Collins’ fine beer scene is Equinox Brewing, located in Old Town. Equinox opened around two years ago, as an off-shoot from a local homebrewing store. It has a cozy atmosphere and never features less than ten beers of their own creation to taste at their tap room. Though they have begun to bottle one beer, basically the only place to taste their beer is at the tap room or at a beer festival in Colorado. I am also the top rater of Equinox beers, so either I’m definitive source to discuss their beer (outside of their brewers) or I’m just the asshole that spends the most time there.

8:15 PM EST: Equinox is busy, as is usual for a Saturday night. There is some dude on acoustic guitar playing, so I grab a couple of half pints of beers that I hadn’t previously tasted. Music is pretty lame; the guy is signing a song about his future ex-girlfriend. Blah, blah, blah. Let’s get to the two beers that I tasted: Orbit ESB and Kepler Pale Ale.

Blah, blah, blah at the Equinox Brewery

Even though Equinox frequently rotates their tap selection, Orbit ESB is usually on tap and for some unknown reason, I hadn’t previously tasted it. Orbit ESB (ESB stands for Extra Special Bitter) pours a clear, dark burnt orange appearance with a tan head. It has a toasty caramel malty, somewhat spicy, earthy hoppy aroma. As for the taste, Orbit ESB has a sweet caramel malty, toffee flavor that really could be balanced better, as this sucker seems to lack a good hop backbone.

Aroma: 7/10, Appearance: 4/5, Taste: 6/10, Palate: 3/5, Overall: 10/20

Kepler Pale Ale pours a transparent, slightly darkish orange appearance with a disappearing, off white head. It has a quite dull, slightly organic/earthy hoppy, slightly toasty malty aroma and there really isn’t much going on. The flavor is sweet caramel/toasty malty, and very dull. Seriously, there isn’t much going on in this beer.

Aroma: 5/10, Appearance: 3/5, Taste: 6/10, Palate: 4/5, Overall: 8/20

These were two fairly disappointing beers, but it doesn’t spoil the fact that Republican presidential primary is now in total chaos. I get a kick out of how some of the networks called the South Carolina primary before it was even closed! I thought I had heard that networks were avoiding this kind of call, as it can affect the outcome. Whatever.

3:15 AM EST: With all of the precincts now reporting, Newt has, in fact, had a huge win. Here’s the final tally: Gingrich 40.4%, Romney 27.8%, Santorum 17.0%, Paul 13%, Cain 1.1%. Cain received such a large share despite exiting the race a month ago due to the campaign by Stephen Colbert to divert votes. As Colbert stated (and his former Super PAC), a large vote for Herman Cain would encourage him to join the presidential race. I’m sure he’ll take this as a “sign” that the people want him to run or at least keep the gag going.

This is a huge win for Newt Gingrich. Even though we haven’t seen what kind of bump he’ll receive from this win, I would imagine that polls in Florida will tighten significantly. Paul and Santorum will not drop out, which I guess isn’t a surprise, but for all intents and purposes, this is a two man race. Magic Underpants vs. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Stay tuned!

Aaron Nielsen

Drinking Through The New Hampshire Primary

2012-01-11T17:11:00.001+01:00

Gentle reader,

Back by popular demand, our intrepid alco-political correspondent, Mr. Aaron Nielsen, gives us his take on yesterday's New Hampshire primary. The Festung Europa editorial staff and our partners at the GBCN World Centre in Uranium City, Saskatchewan, would like to wish our reporter a belated happy birthday!

CRM

Tuesday, January 10, 2012. Buckle up, folks. New Hampshire is celebrating my 28th birthday by holding the nation's first primary of 2012. Six major candidates (and Buddy Roemer) remain in the race to become the Republican nominee for president. Before we start getting plowed to this seemingly inconsequential event, here's an update on the field accompanied by a relevant YouTube clip:

Mitt Romney & Newt Gingrich

Willard 'Mitt' Romney eeked out a narrow eight vote victory in Iowa over Rick Santorum, but the biggest attacks on Willard are coming from that nasty old fucker that just won't go away. Of course, I am talking about "The Professor" Newt Gingrich. (Ed. note: I thought at first he was referring to me!) Mitt's allies put more than five million bucks into smearing Newt all over Iowa and Newt is fucking pissed. (Ed. note: I would rather see smeared Newt than smeared Santorum.) His main attack on Magic Underpants has to do with Mitt's time at Bain Capital, an investment company based out of Boston. It appears that this attack is gaining some traction and Romney has seen his poll numbers slip as he continues to get nailed by all the other candidates.

Jon Huntsman

Jon Huntsman, aka Magic Underpants No. 2, served President Obama as his Chinese ambassador. Supposedly, the Obama administration foresaw him as one of the strongest opponents in a re-election bid and was nominated to the ambassadorship in an attempt to mitigate this possibility. Arguably, it has hurt his candidancy being a part of the Obama regime, but he turned it into a huge positive at Sunday's debate when Willard challenged him on this point. Huntsman was very effective in his response by saying he put his country first and was not a partisan politician like Romney. 'Country First' was been a rallying cry at his recent events. New Hampshire is do or die for Huntsman and really needs a second place finish to stay relevant in this race.

Ron Paul

The libertarian leanings of Granite Staters plays right into Ron Paul's hand. He should see a strong performance here and I wouldn't expect him to finish worse than third place.

Rick Santorum

Coming off (no pun intended) a huge "tie" for first place in Iowa, Santorum elected to challenge Romney in New Hampshire. This was an extremely poor strategy in my mind, as the Christian conservative base is just not all that present in NH. In addition, by the time he got the huge cash bump (to the tune of $1,000,000 in one day) from his tie in Iowa, there was no longer any TV available to purchase. It will be hard to spin a 4th or 5th place finish in NH for Santorum's team now that he actually invested some time here.

Rick Perry

What the fuck is this guy doing? According to polls, he's at 1% in New Hampshire and 5% in South Carolina. Maybe he's staying in the race to angle for a position in a future administration in a trade for an endorsement, but honestly, I think he is just a dipshit.

Buddy Roemer

Buddy is actually outpolling Perry in New Hampshire but his candidacy reminds me of Morry Taylor.

4:41 PM EST: Huntsman 33%, Romney 33%, Gingrich 17%, Ron Paul 17% (with1% reporting).The first results of the New Hampshire Republican primary are in from Dixville (the town in New Hampshire, not the club in Prague that Chris Meyer frequents). (Ed. note: I prefer Hot Peppers.) Well, there are only six total votes cast thus far, but it's a nice start for Huntsman, who does seem to have some momentum. Before we get too many more vote tallies, it's time for some predictions from Real Clear Politics, (I adjusted their numbers to account for undecideds according to their current proportion), Nate Silver of 538, and yours truly.

Aaron: Romney 34%, Huntsman 21%, Paul 20%, Santorum 12%, Gingrich 11%, Perry 1%, Roemer 1%
538: Romney 39%, Paul 19%, Huntsman 17%, Santorum 12%, Gingrich 12%, Perry 1%
RCP: Romney 40%, Paul 19%, Huntsman 16%, Santorum 12%, Gingrich 11%, Perry 1%

My predictions for Iowa were pretty poor, as I expected the order at the top to be Paul, Santorum, then Romney. Final results, in fact, showed it to be Romney/Santorum then Paul. RCP and 538 predicted Romney, Paul, then Santorum.Jon Huntsman appears to have some momentum at the moment, but it may be too little, too late. I expect Paul and especially Huntsman to outperform the polls as independents are allowed to vote in either the Democratic or Republican primary. Independents are expected to break heavily for these two gentlemen. Romney's "I like to fire people" moment was just one part of his overall poor week and I expect his numbers to be affected accordingly, though I still expect him to win handily. It'll be up to the pundits to decide who was the "winner" of the night, that is, who beat their expectations the most.

As tonight is my 28th birthday, my brother Chad will be visiting Denver to celebrate with me. I can't imagine that he'll want to watch the returns all night with me, so we'll find common ground by blasting some brain cells with some tasty beers. Previously, I had expected to give some vodka reviews tonight since the primary wasn't expected to be all that exciting, but I will save those for next week. South Carolina's primary is two weeks away, so I will assess the state of the Republican field while sipping on a number of vodkas. Stay tuned!

I have a few very interesting beers lined up to celebrate my birthday including a fruit flavored Eisbock from Kuhnhenn. Eisbock is a pretty unique style of beer that is actually utilizes ice distillation. First, the beer is fermented as usual. Once fermentation is complete, the beer is lowered to temperature below 32° F, at which point the water in the beer begins to freeze. Alcohol has a lower freezing point than water, so if the temperature is not lowered too much, you can freeze a portion of the water, remove the resulting ice, and then let the beer return to a non-freezing temperature. Since water is removed from the beer but all of the alcohol remains, the alcohol content of the beer is increased.Kuhnhenn is a small brewery in the Detroit metro area and produces some of the finest beers (and meads!) in the world. Tonight I will be tasting Raspberry Eisbock, which is currently rated the 25th best beer in the world per RateBeer. Two of Kuhnhenn's other products, Bourbon Barrel Barley Wine and Bourbon Barrel Fourth Dementia Old Ale were among the best beers I've ever had. In the past, I have even suggested the the Bourbon Barrel Barley Wine might be the greatest beer I have ever had the pleasure of drinking (though I think it's more likely that Rochefort 10 or Goose Island Rare Bourbon County Stout is my favorite beer of all-time). In addition to those two fine beers, I have tasted a few of their meads which vary from an interesting honey flavored red hot (Cinnamonster from Hell) to a fucking tasty vanilla, bourbon mead (Bourbon Barrel Vanilla Gorillabilly). Kuhnhenn has very limited distribution and all of the products that I have mentioned are very limited. I believe that you need to attend one of their Solstice parties to actually have the chance of purchasing any of these products. Since I usually do not spend my solstices in Detroit, I had to trade for all the previously mentioned products (which do hold considerable trade value).

6:00 PM EST: Romney 36%, Paul 24%, Huntsman 18%, Gingrich 10%, Santorum 10%, Perry 1% (13% reporting)Fox Noise...errr, Fox News has already called the race for Mitt Romney. Whoopty-fucking-do. The big race is for second, third, and fourth place. 29% of late deciders went for Romney and 22% went for Huntsman. Looks like Huntsman had some momentum, but it's probably too little too late. Five minutes later, Fox Noise projects Ron Paul for second place and John Huntsman for third place.Chad and I are heading to a local sportsbar for some BBQ and brews. The only thing exciting that I'll be missing will be Megyn Kelly coverage on mute. Speaking of Megyn Kelly, my favorite ditzy blonde Fox Noise correspondent, tonight she's wearing a dark blue-violet blazer with a white undershirt, sexy pink lipstick, and a moderately wavy, mid length hairdo. Thank you, Megyn, for giving me one thing to look forward to during the six hour coverage of sub-human neanderthals providing their chickenshit analysis.

7:24 PM EST: Romney is out declaring victory right now.

9:47 PM EST: Romney 38%, Paul 24%, Huntsman 17%, Santorum 10%, Gingrich 10% (67% reporting)Let the beer tasting begin!I finally got a buzz going. We may need to get the fireworks going after too long to celebrate Willard's crazy awesome night. Now on to beer!Haandbryggeriet is famous brewery out of Norway that ships many of their offerings abroad. Most of their offerings I've found slightly above average, though it may be that some have faded en route to America. Tonight, I am Haandbryggeriet Krøkkebic, a sour ale made with crowberries.. This bottle ran about $11/ 500 mL. Krøkkebic has a pinkish purple appearance with a small white head that is gone in no time and smells of tart cranberries and raspberries, oak, and light funk. Tart albeit in dull cran-raspberry flavor with light funk, light barnyard, vinegar, a bit of cheese, and moderate water. Pretty light aftertaste. The flavor is a bit watery and the fruit flavor is a little bland, not all that interesting, and not very complex.


Haandbryggeriet Krøkkebic

Aroma: 7/10, Appearance: 3/5, Taste: 7/10, Palate: 4/5, Overall: 11/20

11:07 PM EST: Romney 38%, Paul 23%, Huntsman 17%, Gingrich 10%, Santorum 10% (82% reporting)It will be a poor night for Santorum if he ends up in fifth place. How the fuck do you spin a fifth place finish when you're supposed to be the main alternative to Romney? Gay rights activists have been hassling this guy nonstop, especially now that Bachmann is no longer in the race. Someone asked Santorum this week that if it was ok to abort gay babies! HAHAHA! Santorum probably could have easily responded that he believes being gay is a choice, but I think he just completely ignored the dude. This guy is the least electable Republican candidate in the field, so I'm hoping he turns it around.This past fall, Samuel Adams included a smoked beer, or Rauchbier, in their mixed twelve pack for the first time. I've always really enjoyed Samuel Adams seasonals, so I am very excited to try this one, Bonfire Rauchbier. Bonfire pours a dark brown appearance with a small to medium sized tan head. It has a toasty, burnt malty aroma with notes of smoky wood, dark caramel, and toffee. Toasty, caramel, bacon, mildly smoky, burnt woody flavor. The smokiness is very tame but the beer overall is pretty decent. Of course, this baby is nearly as good as its German counterparts.

Samuel Adams Bonfire Rauchbier

Aroma: 7/10, Appearance: 3/5, Taste: 7/10, Palate: 4/5, Overall: 12/20

1:14 PM EST: Mitt Romney 39%, Ron Paul 23%, Jon Huntsman 17%, Newt Gingrich 9%, Rick Santorum 9%, Rick Perry 1%Now for the highlight of the night! Kuhnhenn Raspberry Eisbock pours a deep red violet appearance with little to no head. Rich raspberry syrupy, caramel, toffee, mild chocolate aroma. Rich, somewhat tart, raspberry fruity, caramel, toffee flavor. Honestly, this has a lot of flavor going on but it has burnt, tar-like taste that I don't particularly care for. This was poured from a 2007 nip bottle. I'm quite disappointed based on the previous beers that I had from Kuhnhenn, but it was was fun to try nonetheless.

Kuhnhenn Raspberry Eisbock

Aroma: 8/10, Appearance: 3/5, Taste: 8/10, Palate: 4/5, Overall: 15/20

Well it was a fucking boring night if you were watching the primary. Willard had a good night and it appears that Huntsman didn't do well enough to become relevant. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Willard will lose against Obama, and Huntsman will match very well against any potential challengers (Rubio, Christie, Romney-ha!, etc) in 2016. Next week, I'll assess the state of the race in the run up to South Carolina and give some vodka reviews!

Cheers!

Aaron Nielsen

Festung Europa's Iowa Caucus Report

2012-01-04T15:58:00.001+01:00

Gentle reader,

The following report comes from our Festung Europa political and beverage correspondent, Mr. Aaron Nielsen, and does not necessarily reflect the views of Festung Europa itself. After all, here in the Stingray Regime, we're a benevolent dictatorship and are happy to be such since 1987.

Hail Stingray!

CRM

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012. Buckle up, folks. If you're a fan of politics or the nastiest of spectacles, then the night of the Iowa Caucuses is something akin to the 4th of July. Even though this middle American state completely fails to represent the American people in any sense, it is here where we begin to choose the next President of the United States. Back in 2008, then Senator Obama propelled himself past the establishment candidate, Hillary Clinton, with a win at the Iowa Caucuses en route to the presidency. This time around, eight dipshit swine are vying for the Republican candidancy for president. To call the Republican field a group of dipshit swine probably isn't objective, but it's also not far from the truth. These bloodsucking, bottom-feeding, kinky donkeys are not ones to cheer for, but tonight, political junkies are not ones to look for quality products.

That being said, if you're going to watch five straight hours of coverage of the Iowa Caucuses, it's important that you have a high powered drug to fuel your night. Ibogaine is out of the picture unless you're the late Ed Muskie, and unless you have been diagnosed with ephesema or glaucoma, legal, potent, organic ganja is not an option. This is a night about Iowa, so your best, legal option is likely booze. Since it will be a long night, it's important to get a stiff one in you early in the night without having to deal with excess Santorum. I have choosen Iowa's most famous spirit, Templeton Rye.

Per Wikipedia, Templeton Rye refers to rye whiskey originally made in Templeton, Iowa during the prohibition era as a way for farmers in the Carroll County area to supplement their income. It is also believed to be the favorite drink of Prohibition-era mobster, Al Capone. Templeton Rye is only available in limited quantities in Iowa and even more limited quantities in neighboring states. Most bottles sell the day they are put on the shelves. I was lucky enough to secure a bottle through an acquantaince in the beer industry that works for one of Iowa City's finest beer stores.

Templeton Rye pours a clear, brownish, dark golden appearance. It's fairly spicy, somewhat toasty, sweet oaky, moderately sharp rye aroma with a note of citrus and leather. The nose is very appetizing and pleasant. Citrus notes are a little more prominent in the flavor with a fairly smooth, sweet yet fairly spicy rye, moderately toasty oak taste. The rye aftertaste is also fairly spicy, with a great warming, tingly finish. Fun stuff to drink, but at $45/bottle, don't waste this on shots for the hussy you happen to bring home from the bars. Let's rock 'n' roll!

To participate in the Iowa Caucuses, you must be 18 years of age and registered to vote in Iowa. At your local caucus, you can actually change your party affliation to vote in a Republican caucus if you're currently registered Democratic or vice versa.

The Iowa Caucuses begin in five minutes and I'm strangely attracted to the length of time that the spicy notes of the Templeton Rye dances on my tongue. It's pleasant and somewhat arousing.

6:55 CST: Anyway, here's my prediction for the night: Paul 23%, Santorum 21%, Romney 20%, Gingrich 14%, Bachmann 10%, Perry 9%, Huntsman 3%. Paul has a strong base that will not be easily swayed by the Swiftboating of the Gingrich, Santorum, and Romney campaigns. Willard "Mitt" Romney, a liberal Republican, is actually probably as liberal as Iowa Democratic stalwart, Senator Tom Harkin, and as a result, I expect him to underperform compared to his poll numbers. Anal mess a.k.a. Santorum will be the winner of the night despite finishing in second place. Fivethirtyeight's Nate Silver has a model predicting Romney 22%, Paul 21%, Santorum 19%, Gingrich 15%, Perry 11%, Bachmann 8%, Huntsman 4% but personally predicts an upset win by Anal Mess. Realclearpolitics' final poll averages predicts the following: Romney 23%, Paul 22%, Santorum 16%, Gingrich 14%, Perry 12%, Bachmann 7%, Huntsman 2%.

Now comes the boring/exciting part: the wait. This is your time to get all boozed up because it depresses you to have to listen to five hours of analysis by Fox Noise regarding eight gun-toting, baby-saving dingbats. Since most microbrewed beers from Iowa, with a few exceptions, are both shitty and poorly distributed, I'll be tasting a variety of high powered, high quality products, many of which are difficult to procure. First up is the newest offering, Wild Wild Brett Green, from Fort Collins' own, Crooked Stave Artisan Beer Project.

Crooked Stave's Wild Wild Brett Green

Crooked Stave is the master work of Chad Yakobsen, a brewer who previously studies the wild yeast, Brettanomyces, for his Master's degree. Wild Wild Brett is a series of "Brett" beers created by Chad to showcase the various ways to utilize this special yeast. Wild Wild Brett Green was previously rated as nothing short of transcendental by the venerable Ratman (Ed. Note: no relation to Rathead, the Buffalo Fucker.), a famous beer critic based out of Arvada, Colorado. WWBG pours a hazy, brownish orange appearance with a big, cream colored head with good lacing and fairly long duration: really a rich earthy, moderately citrusy hoppy nose with quite a bit of tart tropical fruit notes like pineapple, passionfruit, and mango. WWBG is just a touch tart, big earthy/citrusy hoppy, a touch toasty, sweet pale malty flavor again with notes of tangerine, pineapple, mango, and passion fruit, and really does a nice job of combining the fruit notes with the moderate hoppiness.

Aroma: 8/10, Appearance: 4/10, Taste: 8/10, Palate: 4/10, Overall: 16/20. Pretty nice beer.

Chad was nice enough to personally email me shortly after my first rating of his beer to provide me with more information about his company. For the hardcore beer nerds out there, you can join his exclusive Cellar Reserve Membership for $300. These babies are selling fast, so order today!

Oh fuck, good beer and now it's starting to getting good on Fox Noise. Megyn Kelly (the hot blonde with the huge tramp stamp) just sent us out to one of the caucuses. Some instructions to the crowd now: "Here's how you donate to the Republican party," "If you want yard signs," "Mushrooms are available in the back," "Now we will start with the pledge of allegiance." Fucking barf. These idiotic cocksuckers think they can prove their more patriotic by repeating the Pledge. You fuckers can pledge; I'm refilling by WWBR.

Keeping to the Fox Noise agenda, the experts are all saying that Ron Paul is a joke and has no chance to be the nominee. They love his thoughts on 19th century, Central European economics but hate his position on killing the military-industrial complex. Rick Perry just piped in: "You'll see a governor.... Errr, I mean you'll see a president who respects the Constitution and leaves those decisions to the states and the governors when I'm president." The eight dingbats all love the 10th Amendment and would love to outsoure all government decisions back to the states away from the federal government and at the same time are running to lead the federal government. My interpretation: they want to lead an organization that will hopefully cede all of its power, thereby making the position they are seeking effectively worthless. Back to Megyn Kelly, our trusty Fox Noise correspondent leading our TV analysis. She's wearing a seafoam green blazer with a black undershirt. She's featuring a layered, slightly shorter than shoulder length, blonde hairdo and dark pint lipstick. Republicans know how to pick babes to represent their bullshit ideology.

One percent reporting: Paul is at 43%. Go Ronnie! I'd love to see him win tonight just to show these fuckwads that he can win! He's one weird quack, but as the venerable Robert Nelson, a lifelong Democrat, once said, "I kind of like Ron Paul."

Mike Huckabee just piped in: "Let me first just start by saying that everyone that voted for me in 2008 are going to heaven."

7:51 CST: Just placed a call to my favorite Democratic operative in Iowa, the regal Mildred Meyer. She predicts a Romney win but hopes for a Santorum win and overall chaos in the Republican nomination process. When I told her that I was watching the coverage on Fox, she replied, "OH FUCK!" Ok maybe she said, "OH FOX!" but either way, she wasn't happy. I said I needed to listen to neanderthals talk about neanderthals. 4% of precincts are now reporting: Santorum 24%, Paul 24%, Romney 22%. Ms. Meyer also mentioned that her second cousin, Dale Nelson, met Mitt Romney at the Family Table in Atlantic recently and he was very nice and giving hugs. Soon later, Gingrich showed up and he was a real jerk! Well, fuck you Newt. I don't know what's more embarassing: being a Republican, hugging Mitt Romney, or seeing Newt Gingrich literally in the flesh. With 15% reporting in Cass County (home of Atlantic), Santorum is leading with 35% with Newt failing to be in the top five. Take that, asshole! Fox is already projecting that GILF-a-rama, Michele Bachmann, will finish sixth and Huntsman will finish seventh with only 6% of Iowa reporting. Michele peaked too early, evidently, which frequently happens to Chris Meyer in the presence of my ex-girlfriends. (Ed. note: I have no idea what he is talking about.)

Engaging in the peculiar hobby of beer trading can be legally dubious at best and physically dangerous at worst. As Hr. Meyer can attest, I had a potentially dangerous encounter completing a back alley beer trade while we were in Minnesota. I was only provided with this picture and a list of beers to bring. The deal went down without any switchblades or bullet wounds. Today, my beer trading has expanded internationally in an attempt to secure the world's most tasty and rare beers. Next up for tasting is Cantillon Mamouche, a beer I obtained from a beer trader in Quebec. This beer is not available in the United States. Cantillon is a world renowned lambic producer out of Belgian. A 750 mL bottle of Mamouche will set you back $30 should you find it in Quebec or in Belgium. Mamouche is a lambic aged for two years then aged with elderflowers.

Cantillon Mamouche

Mamouche is corked and then capped, yet it still gushed a bit when I popped the cap before removing the cork. It has a cloudy, yellow-orange appearance with a big white head. It is fairly floral, with a moderately to highly sour, lemon tart, brett funky aroma. The flavor is moderately to highly sour, tart lemon citrusy, herbal and floral, tangy, funky, with a fairly funky, tart finish. The floral element is actually really nice and complements it the sourness quite well.

Aroma: 7/10, Appearance: 5/5, Taste: 8/10, Palate: 4/5, Overall: 17/20. Beers like this are not for an amateur due to the high sourness and the floral content which can both be off-putting. Despite the huge flavor, it is only 5% abv. This is a very nice beer and well worth the difficulty that I went through to obtain it.

8:22 CST: 15% reporting: Paul 24%, Santorum 23%, Romney 23%. Some pundits are saying it's a bad night for Romney based on his results and some are saying that it's a good night since it looks to be a three-way tie. As the late, great Dr. Thompson once said, when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. More Templeton... Ahhhhhh, the Rye is again dancing on my tongue. Holy Moses! 48% of independents are going for Ron Paul. Fuck, this Templeton is damn tasty and it just lingers and lingers. My Communist cats are beginning to see something is going awry (pardon the pun). Better get the bottle rockets ready to celebrate the winning dingbat.

8:36 CST: The neanderthal with the dark gold tie, Charles Krauthammer, is spewing anal mess (aka Santorum) from his mouth right now. He's saying that it's going to be a toss-up (no duh) and the only losers are Perry and Bachmann. Hey, I'm all for total chaos is this whole nomination process. Justin Nielsen just called into our international HQ and said that Romney is going to win. 27% reporting: Romney, Santorum, and Paul all at 23%. Truth be told, the flavor of Mamouche really doesn't linger all that much and is just moderately sour. Still a nice brew, however. Back to the Fox Noise panel. You got to give it to these guys. They invite the grumpiest old fucking men and the most boner inducing women on the planet. Kirsten Powers of the Daily Beast is now talking, smoking hot, and actually making some sense. She's saying that Romney has been playing up his odds the last days and now is basically going to get a three-way tie for first place. Excellent analysis, Kirsten! All Iowa history buffs and major politcal power players know that you must play down your expectations in Iowa! It's all about beating expectations! Romney, you fuck wad. Go Kirsten!

8:49 CST: Santorum is winning all over Western Iowa aka Steve King country aka Mildred Meyer country. Paul is winning in the Central and Eastern Iowa. Romney is doing better on the East/West borders like he did last night. Sarah Motherfucking Palin is going to give some nuggets of analysis next. This is going to be good. If there was enough room, I would just include her whole transcript as I'm sure she'll do herself the most justice, but I need to just give the highlights.

9:01 CST: Great! Sarah Palin is sporting the "poof" hair style. She loves Santorum for being hardcore on Iran... Iran is threatening American in the Persian Gulf and their hatred of Israel and their hatred of us. She can relate to the issue of having too much Santorum to deal with. Brett Baier: Will you openly support Santorum? Brett- that is a disgusting fucking question. How dare you ask a former VP candidate about her feelings on a combination of lubricant, ejaculation, and fecal matter. More from Sarah about Obama's failed socialist agenda. Blah blah blah. Sarah is basically telling Bachmann to drop out. Now Billy Kristol is telling Rick Perry to quit. Let me be the first to ask Willard Romney to quit.

9:25 CST: 46% reporting, 24% Santorum, 24% Romney, 22% Paul. Starting to get boring - time to pick up the beer drinking. Some stouts coming up....letting them warm up a bit. Ok, let's go. Now up is Green Flash Double Stout, an 8.8% abv stout. Green Flash is based out of San Diego and makes some world class products, including this beer that is rated in the 99th percentile for stouts. GF Double Stout can be found without too much trouble on West Coast and in Colorado in bombers and in six packs.

Green Flash Double Stout

Green Flash Double Stout pours a deep black apperance with a dark brown appearance that dissipates fairly quickly. It exudes s'mores-like aroma with a rich note of cocoa, roast, marshmallow, vanilla, and light espresso: really a delicious, dessert-like aroma. The mouthfeel is smooth and creamy, with even more roastiness in the taste. The flavor reminds you of dark chocolate, vanilla, rich cocoa, light coffee, roasty, sweet. It's a yummy dessert beer, and smooth as hell!

Aroma: 8/10, Appearance: 4/5, Taste: 9/10, Palate: 5/5, Overall: 18/20.

Great beer but we have a big update. 88% in: Santorum 25%, Romney 25%, Paul 21%. Fuck, I may need to pick up some of this Double Stout for the reputable Hr. Chris Meyer. I really get s'mores from it and it's drinking just too easy. We're waiting on Sioux City and while we do, I'm going to have more of this shit. Mikey loves it ("sharp hop acids tickle the tongue") and Slim Ernie digs it ("relatively forward, but wow... adeptly crafted), too. Lately, I've been on the exact same page as these Boulder Beer Sages with Avery and Crooked Stave being the noted exceptions. Sioux City is partly in and Santorum is kicking serious fucking ass there. Fox Noise just announced that they project Ron Paul will finish third. I lose. Billy Kristol just made an excellent point. It's hard for Romney to say he's the eventual nominee with only 25%, a figure not higher than 2008. Gingrich tanked just a bit too early for Ron Paul. Had he not fallen for another week, I think the others wouldn't have had time to attack him and make me fall a bit. Santorum wins that fight.

10:18 CST: Santorum and Romney are separated by 13 votes with 92% reporting. Paul just claimed a three-way tie (ha!), Gingrich is now announcing victory (ha!), and I'm announcing victory by drinking GF Double Stout (ha!) Interesting enough, Huntsman finished with 1% even though Nate Silver predicted 4%. Newt's going on and on about how positive Rick Santorum was but how some of the "other" (ahem Romney) were incredibly negative. Romney's associated Super PACs put in somewhere in the vicinity of $5 million in the last couple of weeks to kill Newt. Now Newt is attacking Ron Paul. Evidently he loves Santorum but hates Ron Paul and Willard Romney.

10:23 CST: Audubon County, home of Iowa Democratic Strategist, Mildred Meyer, has finally sent in their final results: Santorum 54 votes, Romney 48 votes, Paul 41 votes, Gingrich 32, Other 48. Exirans love them some anal mess (aka Santorum)! On another note, I think the primary schedule should be based on the states that were closest in the previous election. Wouldn't it make sense to have the most centrist states pick the candidates (North Carolina, Colorado, Florida, etc)? Nah fuck that. A centrist these days has to deal with the tea bagging terrorists.

10:39 CST: 96% in: 25% Santorum, 25% Romney, 21% Paul. Anal mess is up by 79 votes over magic underpants. Bachmann really tanked. I see her dropping out tomorrow. I think Perry may try to hang on until South Carolina but fuck, he should drop out too. Shit, Perry's speaking now and is acting like he's dropping out.

11:08 CST: 97% in: same as before with Santorum up by 37 votes but the remaining precincts are likely for Romney. Fuck it's getting boring again. Rick Santorum's rally is starting up with the crowd singing God Bless America followed by Amazing Grace. GO PATRIOTISM!!!! That's the problem with the Socialist Dems these days. They don't pledge allegiance, they don't sing the patriotic songs. What a bunch of godless losers. Santorum is finally speaking. We need a balanced budget amendment. We need to cut taxes. Under my administration, we will have a top tax rate of 28%. We will cut the corporate tax rate in half. Using our anti-scientific mathematics, we will balance this mother fucking budget with tax cuts. Thank you, God bless America and good night! Never have so many pro-life and pro-choice folks cheered on the same mother fucker. Go Anal Mess! Leave it to Iowa to give their vote to a numbskull with that same dumbass look as W. He's not W. He's even dumber. And the dumb Republicans from Iowa fell for this shithead. I love it!!!! And before we call it a night, it's time for a Meretrix releases and is a sour ale aged in Cabarnet Sauvignon barrels accompanied by sour cherries.

Meretrix Barrel Aged Sour Ale

11:39 CST: Ann Romney: Congrats to Rick Santorum! We don't even know who won yet, but here we are! Mitt Romney: We don't know what the final vote tally will be. What a shithead. It's all spin around here. You predicted a win, Willard and with 98% in, you're down by five votes. (Ed. note: At the time of publishing, Romney was up by eight votes.) You lose Mr. Magic Underpants.Meretrix pours a dark burgundy purple appearance with a tan head that dissipates quickly. The aroma is very rich: cherry/strawberry, red wine, tangy/tart fruity, musty, funky, acidic, a touch oaky.. The oak comes out nicely in the flavor with a rich strawberry/cherry fruity, funky sour, vinous flavor, with a vinous, dark red fruity aftertaste; excellent beer.

Aroma: 8/10, Appearance: 4/5, Taste: 9/10, Palate: 4/5, Overall: 17/20.

Good night and God bless Aegir!

Aaron Nielsen

New Year, New Style

2012-01-02T19:23:00.002+01:00

Gentle reader,

Let me take this opportunity for those who follow the western calendar to wish you all the best for the coming year. I wish I kept up with Festung Europa, both for your sake and mine. This blog hath an enemy and his name is Facebook! Alas, I've used the convenience of that social website to publish tidbits that, in the past, were posted here. That being said, my creativity is in much need of a boost, so that I may bring you more interesting and yes, fucked up, information to brighten and/or frighten your day. So let's keep our collective fingers crossed, or thumbs pressed, as the cultural case might be, and see what 2012 has to offer us.

As is usual when I return to the blog after a considerable absence, I've started tinkering around with the style and format. Blogger now offers some snazzy-ass shit, as they say in Paris, but for the time being, I'm keeping with the standard post-and-sidebar stuff. Festung Europa always has been, and will continue to be, a work in progress.

With warm regards from Festung Europa,
CRM

Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag: Letter One's Runic Interpretation

2011-07-29T13:30:00.017+02:00

Announcer: We now return to the Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag on GBCN.

snazzy, jazzy return from commercial break music

Mark: Hi folks, we're back with the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime and his advice to those souls who wrote us with questions regarding that most wonderful of feelings, love. The Defensemaster has been contemplating his rune cast for a tormented soul in the heart of the Xarlon Metroplex, so let's go back to Asgard and see what he has come up with.

Lots of static on the screen as the Defensemaster comes into view. His head is bowed, but he raises it slowly and speaks....

Defensemaster (in a low voice): The runes have indeed spoken to us, Mark. Our friend's situation falls currently under the rune, Othila, in it's upright form, and which also is the last rune in the futhark.

Mark: What's a futhark?

Defensemaster: A futhark is just a way of speaking about the Germanic runic alphabet, sort of like you would say the A-B-C's for English. The word consists of the six beginning letters of the runic alphabet: Fehu, Uruz, THurisaz, Ansuz, Raido and Kenaz.

Mark: Ah, I see. Too bad Michael Jackson and the Jackson Five didn't do a song about it like they did the ABC's.

Defensemaster (irritated): Please, Mark, let's be serious here.

Mark: OK, sorry.

Defensemaster: Othila is a rune, as I mentioned before, that originally stood for inherited, immovable wealth, such as one's ancestral lands and holdings. Today, we can take it to mean property, meaning one's possessions. Our friend is in a situation where his possessions, what he owns, is coming into play. Or it may be that he is coming into an inheritance of sorts, perhaps receiving wealth from the outside. In any case, his romantic situation is currently influenced by what he owns.

Mark: Perhaps this is one of the reasons he feels so hindered. He mentioned some reluctance to make the jump, more on the part of his new found lover, but maybe what he has is holding him back.

Defensemaster: That is a possibility. His wife, two kids and mortage are placing the burden on him as such that he perhaps feels regret for having even gone so far with this new woman in his life.

Mark: So if his situation is that of being held by what he possesses, how would you interpret the next rune, the one that recommends a course of action on his part? What did you say it is called?

Defensemaster: The next rune concerning his action in the present is that of Sowelu, originally representing the sun. Sowelu represents wholeness, the striving of one's self to a higher purpose. It calls in a sense for a release of the ego, which almost parallels Eastern thought, but to open one's self up to new possibilities and and become, in a sense, a new individual. So I think here that what it is calling upon our friend to do is to open up, let the past go and strive to be a more integrated individual.

Mark: How could that relate to the actions he should take with regard to this new relationship, or to his old relationships?

Defensemaster: As I see it, Mark, Sowelu is calling upon him to focus on achieving wholeness in his life by letting go of preconceived notions of what his life should be and just be who he indeed is. Become what you are, in a sense. His focus should not be on trying this or that to push his new relationship one way or another, but instead, he should open himself up to the possibilities and just go with the flow. If he sheds his ego, his true self will shine.

Mark: I think I get it, eh. So what sort of future would this shedding of the ego and becoming who he truly is entail?

Defensemaster: Well, Mark, the rune for his future situation is that of Laguz, upright. Laguz traditionally represented water, such as a lake or the ocean. Water is, of course, pulled by the tides of the moon, so we have a lunar rune following a solar one, contrasting each other, almost like the symbolism in a Taoist yin-yang symbol.

Mark (giggling): What did you say about a yin-yang?

Defensemaster: Like the symbol representing a unity of opposites.

Mark: Oh.

Defensemaster: Please, Mark, stop joking. While the solar symbol of Sowelu strives for diffentiation, in that our friend would find his true self, Laguz symbolizes an immersion, a unity. By shedding his ego and becoming who he truly is, he can be united with his true love. I'm not going to go so far as to say that his true love lies in this young lady with whom he is involved, but this rune, representing water, indicates that a cleansing of his former self will occur, and like the moon pulls the tides, he will be pulled to that which he truly loves and be able to immerse himself in it.

Mark: That's sounds plausible, eh. But what do I know! (laughing)

Defensemaster: It is, of course, my interpretation based on the runes cast. It is also said that Laguz is representative of the sacred marriage, that union of two souls who come together as one, as is often the case in fairy tales. I can't say if this union is to be with this woman with whom our friend is infatuated, but I can say that if he searches for Sowelu and finds it, he can live happily ever after. And so, in short:

Dear Lost in Love,

Don't hang onto your possessions. Drop your ego. Become who you are. Immerse yourself into the bliss of sacred union.

Mark: Sounds great, eh! Let's hope our friend takes the advice of the runes. Thanks for your runic interpretation, Defensemaster.

Defensemaster: Don't mention it, Mark. But we do have more letters to go through, do we not?

Mark: Of course! We've got more where that came from.

Defensemaster: Hopefully not too many more from the Xarlon Metroplex. I can't stand that place. I only go there when well disguised using Mr. Hologram™.

Mark: We'll stay away from those letters if you wish, sir.

Defensemaster: Oh, it doesn't really matter anyway. (speaking to waitress passing by) Could I have another Asgard Appletini, please? What do you have next, Mark?

Mark: Before we get to the next letter on our Mailbag, we have a special musical treat in store for you, folks. Live on our stage here at the beautiful Prospector Theatre in downtown Uranium City, Saskatchewan, is a Canadian gentleman who has enjoyed a long, successful career as our preeminent folk musician. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Leonard Cohen!

applause

applause

Mark: Wow, Leonard Cohen, folks! A great Canadian, eh! We'll be right back.

applause continues until fade out

Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag: Letter One

2011-07-28T17:15:00.004+02:00

Announcer: We now return to GBCN's Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag with your host, Mark Kingsley, and the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime!

snazzy jazzy return from commercial break music

Mark: We're back, folks, with the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime, live through an astral feed to another dimension, namely to the Valhalla Golf Resort and Convention Center in lovely Asgard, home of the gods. The topic today is L-O-V-E, yes, love, and we've selected a few choice letters to address in typical Mailbag fashion, eh. So, Defensemaster, before the break, you mentioned that you'll be using the Norse divination tool, the runes, to assist you in answering the letters.

Defensemaster (hissing): That is correct, Mark.

Mark: Could you tell our viewers a little bit about the process? I mean, just how do you go about using runes in this situation?

Defensemaster: Mark, you may recall in Norse mythology the three spinners of fate, or Wyrd, at the Well of Urd under one of the roots of the world tree, Yggdrasil.

Mark: Uh, it's been a while since I've read that stuff, eh. But yeah, OK. Say, remember that failed blog project of the same name?

Defensemaster: Let's stick to the subject at hand, please. These three women represent all that has been, all that is and all that will be: Urd is the past, Verdandi is the present and Skuld is the future. I call upon them when casting runes, laying out three runes in sequence. The first represents the situation as it now stands, being the result of all past actions in a certain area. The second rune represents an action to take in the here and now, whilst the third represents the result of taking that action.

Mark: That seems straightforward enough, I guess. Although you are making an assumption that one has control over his or her destiny by taking a certain actions, and that his or her prior actions have created the state we live in today. Some folks would say that is an awful lot of free will to be throwing around.

Defensemaster: True, and there's some predestination in Norse mythology, such as the destiny of Ragnarok and the twilight of the gods. But if it is indeed laid out from the get go, the spinning of one's Wyrd by the Norns, for example, the dynamic nature of the Norse or Germanic worldview requires you at least to try to shape your destiny. The sagas are full of this type of behaviour. So perhaps we're instead looking at what the Norns have laid out for us and the runes give us insight in how to make the best of the situation we are given.

Mark: So let's make the assumption and get on with it, eh? Today's programme is brought to you folks by Nihilist Handbags, where nothing is all you need.

Lovely Native Canadian assistant brings out the mailbag, which happens to be a lovely Nihilist tote in matte black leather.

Mark: Thank you, Margaret. Let's dig in and see what we get!

Digging in the bag, Mark retrieves the first letter.

Mark: Our first letter comes to us from the country where corn is king, the US American heartland. It reads:

Dear Defensemaster,

I don't really know to whom to turn on this, so I thought I'd write to you, having been a fan of Festung Europa for some time. You see, I'm in love. Wild, crazy love, but I shouldn't be. I'm been married to the same woman for almost 20 years. We've got two kids, two cars and a mortage, so life should be grand with a capital "G", right? It isn't. The kids are almost out of the house, my wife turned off the passion long ago, and I'm extremely lonely, only occasionally getting a pick up from my music. Then, out of the blue, I meet this girl through my place of employment, and she really is a girl, eighteen years younger than me, hot as hell. I've known her for quite some time, but only recently has she let me know that she has desired me for a long time. She, too, is married, but only three years to a guy one could best describe as a tool and worst describe as a fucking asshole. She still loves him, though, mainly due to her not wanting to give up on the marriage after only a short time, but she tells me can't keep from thinking about me, nor I her. She sends me naked pictures and videos of herself...

Defensemaster: Wait a minute! Naked pictures and videos??! Are there any in the letter, Mark?

Mark: Not that I can see, sir.

Defensemaster: Well, damnit, get on with the letter then.

Mark: OK, he continues:

...and can't stop calling and sending me sexy e-mails. I on the other hand have probably come on too strong to her and scared her off a little, since I really do love her. I always wear my heart on my sleeve, always have. Anyway, we've done a bit of fooling around, necking, the occasional after work blowjob and such, still we're both a bit leery of jumping right in, although I am much more ready than she is. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool for telling her how much I love her, when I don't see that level of commitment on her end, but I do know that things in my life need to change and quickly. To me, she's the one I've been waiting for all my life, but I don't think she feels exactly the same way. Anyhoo, all this worrying will be the death of me.

Yours truly,
Lost in Love in the Metroplex

Mark: Seems like a conundrum, eh?

Defensemaster: True, it seems that this gentleman has fallen head over heels for a kid old enough to be his own.

Mark: I think it would be hard for them to relate to each other with the generational difference, what do you think?

Defensemaster: Like I told you earlier, Mark, I don't know, so I have to call on the runes for assistance.

The Defensemaster pulls out a blue bag of runes and lays it on the table beside him. A blonde watiress floats by, and he speaks to her:

Could you bring me another delicious appletini, please?

Mark: You're hitting the appletinis quite hard, ha.

Defensemaster: You know, Mark, there is nothing like an Asgard Appletini, made with the golden apples of Idun, which the gods eat to maintain their youth. I can highly recommend it, even for the dead such as myself.

Mark: Sounds yummy, eh.

Defensemaster: Let's begin. Mark, I want you to think along with me about the situation this gentleman finds himself in, as I pull out the runes for the cast.

Mark: OK.

The Defensemaster reaches in and pulls out three runes, laying them upside down on the table from right to left.

Defensemaster: Now, I am going to turn over the first one on the right.

He turns the rune over.

The rune that we have here is that of Othila, the Odal rune, upright, traditionally representing inherited, immovable wealth such as property. Let's turn them all over to get a complete interpretation.

Defensemaster turns the second, middle rune over.

This rune is Sowelu, traditionally the sign of the sun.

Mark: And the last one?

Defensemaster (turning the last left rune over): Here we have Laguz, upright, which had the original meaning of a lake, water.

Mark: So how would you interpret these three runes, Defensemaster?

Defensemaster (deep in thought): Give me a minute, would you please, Mark?

Mark: That's as good a time as any to go to a commercial break, eh. You're watching the Back To Saskatchewan Mailbag on GBCN, the God Bureau Cable Network. We'll be right back after these messages, folks!

snazzy, jazzy commercial break music

Back To Saskatchewan Mailbag

2011-07-27T18:00:00.006+02:00

Announcer: From the beautiful shores of Lake Athabasca, it's time for GBCN's Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag with Mark Kingsley!

snazzy, jazzy theme music

Mark: Thanks, folks. Thanks a lot, eh. It's great to be back after a LONG, LONG interlude. Your post to us has piled up beyond imagine, causing us to have most of it recycled into IKEA furniture. In fact, this lovely faux chair is made from our post from August, 2010. But, beyond the 99% of sheer, unadulterated idiocy, the junk mail, adverts and a few choice titty magazines that we normally receive, our editors have found the time to cut through the crap, so to speak and selected their reader favorites to be answered by none other than the late, great Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime, himself! How, you ask, is that possible? Well, we've got a live astral feed direct from the Valhalla Golf Resort and Conference Center, eh. But before we bring that up, here's a special word from our sponsor, Nihilist Handbags.

A young woman enters a bookstore in a hip and happening college town. The female clerk at the check-out counter notices her black Nihilist handbag.

"Hey, that's a really neat bag! Where'd you get it?"

"Oh, it's nothing."

Nihilist Handbags. When nothing is all you need.

Mark: We're back with the Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag, eh! And as I mentioned earlier, we've thrown away 99% of your letters, but that shouldn't discourage you. Keep on posting them! We need some more Hølger bookshelves as soon as possible. Let's get to some gems that our dwarvish editors selected as worthy enough for this programme. But first, ladies and gentlemen, let's connect once again with the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime, now residing at the lovely Valhalla Golf Resort and Conference Center in beautiful Asgard.

Screen pops up behind Mark as Mark turns to the side to face it. Static blasts across the screen, then soon a picture appears of the Defensemaster, metallic skull shining, sitting in a wicker chair on a veranda, wearing an polo shirt and khakis, drinking an Appletini.

Mark: Hello, Defensemaster! Long time, no see, eh?

Defensemaster (hissing): Greetings, Mark! It's great to be back on your programme, but considering the fact that I am deceased and consigned to the limbo of Norse Valhalla awaiting the final battle at the end of the world, in the words of Keith Richards, it's great to be anywhere!

Mark (laughing): That's quite true! But seriously, though, it's a pleasure to have you back.

Defensemaster: I wouldn't miss a Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag, Mark. It has always been one of my favorite GBCN programmes. It and The Worst Pain, with Chris Meyer.

Mark: I've always been partial to those shows that the Creator hosts directly, as well, eh. So tell me, how are things?

Defensemaster (low growl): Mark, let me tell you, the afterlife isn't what it is cut out to be.

Mark: How so?

Defensemaster: It's a lot of the same old, same old, you know. But I consider myself lucky that, as a warrior, I ended up here instead of at one of the alternatives. They let just about anyone into Christian Heaven nowadays, it seems, and they rather frown upon us battling each other all day while feasting, drinking and whoring all night. Nirvana is a bit too relaxed for my schedule, and The Happy Hunting Grounds is fine in the fall for a break but, let's face it, there's scant pussy there. Here I've got Valkyries waiting on me hand and foot. It's quite an exclusive venue, Valhalla, and I'm thankful that the All Father and I go way back, to the time of the Great Migrations, in fact, when he was just Wodanaz. He reserved a prime spot for me here, and death is good.

Mark (chuckling): Sounds great! Makes me almost look forward to it.

Defensemaster: Well, Mark, I'm not sure if they have a specific afterlife opportunity for washed up comic actors.

Mark: Oh, yes they do. It's called Branson, Missouri.

Defensemaster (hissing): I see your sense of humour hasn't changed. What do we have on the programme today, Mark?

Mark: Sir, we have perhaps what hasn't been done on the Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag for some time.

Defensemaster: Considering it's been well over a year since the last one, that could be anything.

Mark: That's true, eh. But how does this idea strike you? I have here several letters all pertaining to the same subject, namely that which is timeless and yearned for by all humanity...

Defensemaster: A Rolex?

Mark (laughing): Hey, I'm supposed to do the comedy here!

Defensemaster: Give a dead guy a break, Mark. (addressing a pale blonde woman in billowing white robes) I'll take another Appletini, please. That reminds me, Mark. When are we going to get some more drink recipes and such on Festung Europa. I need to broaden my horizons. Aside from the occasional cocktail, we're usually drowning in mead here.

Mark: That can't be a bad thing.

Defensemaster: Well, no, but variety is the spice of life, or death!

Mark: I'll have to put in a word to Messrs. Nielsen and Olafson. They are our in-house beverage experts.

Defensemaster: Please do!

Mark: As I was saying earlier, today's theme is that which is timeless and shared by all humanity. The subject is love, eh.

Defensemaster: Oh great. Something which I have never truly known.

Mark: What about those winters in the desert with Iguana Wanda?

Defensemaster: That doesn't count, Mark. We silicon-based creatures can't quite decipher the codes of a human female.

Mark: Neither can we human males! That is why our Mailbag is so intriguing today, as we tackle this subject in a sort of advice to the love lorn.

Defensemaster (spitting): Oh please, Mark, let's not.

Mark: Come on, eh. It should be enlightening, and our viewers would most certainly find it most interesting.

Defensemaster: OK, but I can't speak on the subject of human love myself. I'll need some support in this area, and for that, I will use our standard oracle here in Valhalla, the runes.

Mark: Super, eh! We'll be right back with our first letter, folks, so stay tuned!

snazzy, jazzy music for commercial break

An Important Announcement from Tirana!

2011-07-04T18:11:00.007+02:00

We interrupt GBCN's "Lifestyles of the Rich and Farmers with Ivan Andersen" to bring you this important announcement!

Mark: This is Mark Kingsley at the GBCN World Centre in Uranium City, Saskatchewan. We have just been informed by our sources in Tirana, Albania, that self-proclaimed dictator, Loren Christensen, has just declared war on another European country, eh. We are going live now to our Southeast European correspondent, Chad Hitler, in Tirana. Chad, are you there?

Chad: Yes, Mark, it seems that the "Leader" of Greater Albania, as this former Iowa used car dealer likes to be called, has indeed declared war, this time on everyone's favorite European country to invade, Poland. Our sources close to the dictator have said that since 0600 hours Central European Summer Time this morning, the greatly outmatched Albanian Air Force has been conducting an aerial bombardment of Polish targets. What makes this declaration of war really remarkable, Mark, is that Poland and Albania don't even share a common border, meaning those planes will be lucky to even make it over Serbian airspace, not to mention Hungarian and Slovakian airspace on their way toward Warsaw. OK, it looks like the dictator himself is about to take to his balcony at the Tirana Best Western for an important address.

Mark: How many spectators would you estimate are in the crowd there, eh?

Chad: I don't know, Mark, it's hard to say. Maybe fifteen or twenty, including the hotel cleaning crew? OK, here he comes. I'll do the running translation.

Sporadic clapping.

Qytetarët e mi të dashur të Shqipërisë së Madhe!
My beloved citizens of Greater Albania!

Unë kam sot, të biznesit për të ardhur keq të ju informuar se një gjendje lufte ka ekzistuar mes nesh dhe qytetarëve luftënxitës të Perandorisë të Polonisë.
I have, today, the unfortunate business of informing you that a state of war has existed between ourselves and the warmongering citizens of the Empire of Poland.

Agresionit treguar nga këto Marauders suxhuk hahet është thjesht e patolerueshme.
The aggression shown by these sausage eating marauders is simply intolerable.

Prandaj, unë kam urdhëruar 49 burrat e forcës ajrore ynë i dashur, nën drejtimin e Kryekomandant Anthony Bochicchio për të hapur armiqësive pasi ne pauzë të këndojë himnin tonë kombëtar, dhe të falenderoj sponsorët tonë, natyrisht, Budweiser, Simpoziumi Ndërkombëtar Gjeometri, me nevoja të veçanta falë, natyrisht, Rolling Stones.
Accordingly, I have ordered the 49 men of our beloved air force, under the direction of Generalissimo Anthony Bochicchio to open hostilities after we pause to sing our national anthem, and thank our sponsors, of course, Budweiser, The International Geometry Symposium, with special thanks to, of course, The Rolling Stones.

Unë do të të jetë i pakujdesshëm nuk falenderuar Shoqata e Fermerëve Iowa ardhmen e Amerikës dhe zonat e ndryshme të tij të krahut të djathtë ', pa të cilin ky agresion imperialiste dhe dhuna nuk do të pakuptimtë të jetë e mundur.
I would be remiss not thanking the Iowa Association of the Future Farmers of America and its various right wing constituencies without which this imperialist aggression and senseless violence would not be possible.

Pas zjarrit pamëshirëshme nga avioni 6 tona 1954 Yak sovjetike, një ulje amfib pranë portit të Danzig do të zhvillohet më shumë se birra dhe një ski pak ujë.
After the merciless barrage from our 6 1954 soviet Yak aircraft, an amphibious landing near the port of Danzig will take place over beers and a little water skiing.

Qij tyre, kjo është në, man!
Fuck them, it’s on, man!

Louder clapping and a few whistles.

Duke u kthyer në pikën tonë lëvizje të vonë, unë jam duke folur një herë për nevojën urgjente për të frenuar një futje e yndyrave të ngopura dhe konservuesëve të tjera.
Turning to our buzz point of late, I am speaking once more of the urgent need to curb one’s intake of saturated fats and other preservatives.

Ne kurrë nuk do të marrë përsipër në jug Evropën qendrore të qenë një bandë e djathë pasterizuar hahet gomarët yndyrë.
We will never take over south central Europe being a bunch of pasteurized cheese eating fatasses.

Shikoni ju, vetëm shikoni! Vlerësojmë tuaja janë mjaft të mëdha të jetë i licencuar në dy qarqe.
Look at you, just look! Your ASSES are big enough to be licensed in two counties.

Asnjëherë mos humbur një vakt keni, ju bandë e idiot yndyrë!!!
Never missed a meal have ya, ya bunch of fat fuckers!!!

Ju dyfishtë prapanicë Oreo hahet, gomarët sallo. Ju shtrat hipur patatina hahet fuçi mut!!!
Ya double butted Oreo eating, lardasses. Ya couch ridin’ potato chip eatin’ tubs a shit!!!

Së fundi, unë do të doja të betohet për besnikëri tim për të gjitha gjërat e vogla pasojë, zemrat e të mëdha, dhe natyrisht, gratë e lehtë.
Lastly, I would like to swear my allegiance to all things of little consequence, large breasts, and of course, easy women.

Faleminderit.
Thank you.

Crickets.

Chad: Well, Mark, that's something you don't hear every day. A leader of a country berating his own people for being obese!

Mark: I suppose he's not too off the mark, eh. But then again, take a look at this fine specimen of Albanian womanhood. She could be our next Festung Europa Girl of the Week!

Mark: And have you heard anything about the fate of the Albanian Air Force over Poland?

Chad: Not yet, Mark. But it doesn't look good, to say the least.

Mark: OK, Chad, thanks a lot for your commentary, eh. This is Mark Kingsley reporting. We now return to our irregularly scheduled programming on GBCN, the God Bureau Cable Network.

Festung Europa Now Optimised For Mobile Devices

2011-06-18T19:37:00.002+02:00

Great news for our gentle readers using mobile devices! We've now optimised our interface for you, so that you can have a superior Festung Europa experience on the go.

Mark Kingsley
Editor in Chief

A Message from the Leader of Greater Albania

2011-05-31T18:47:00.007+02:00

We interrupt our irregularly scheduled GBCN programming for a special message from the Leader of Greater Albania...

Thanks, Mark. This is Chad Hitler reporting from Tirana, Albania, where, in a coup d'etat as of yet unnoticed by the vast majority of Albanian citizens, a virtual unknown, and what is even more remarkable, a person of non-Albanian heritage, has declared himself to be the "Leader" of what he refers to as "Greater Albania", a term laden with so much historical baggage, he's sure to piss plenty of people off. Based on his swarthy appearance and with a goodly amount of courage brought on by what appears to be Scotch whisky, Loren Christensen, now styled as Lorenz e Madhe, or Loren the Great, is about to take to the airwaves for what is his first, and possibly last, address to his people. Surprisingly enough, he's going to deliver the address in Albanian. Let's take a minute and tune in. I'll provide the translation as running commentary.

Njerëzit e Shqipërisë së Madhe!

People of Greater Albania!

Ajo është me krenari e madhe dhe një sasi të madhe të përulësisë që unë të marrë rolin enjë jete si udhëheqës tuaj tallen.

It is with great pride and a large amount of humility that I assume the role of a lifetime as your mock leader.

Unë nuk do të shohin ndonjë nga ju shume shpesh, si kam një makinë shitjeje në Iowa përtë menaxhuar, si dhe, një fushatë politike në senat Iowa për të zhvilluar vitin e ardhshëm.

I will not see any of you very often, as I have a car dealership in Iowa to manage, as well as, a political campaign in the Iowa senate to wage next year.

Duke thënë këtë, ju mund të siguruar se sasi të mëdha të Budweiser, birrë zyrtare e regjimittona motra, që i Stingray të madh, si dhe sasi të mjaftueshme të pushimeve dhe Rock n roll,do të jetë gjithmonë në furnizimin me të madhe, ndërsa unë jam në kontrollit.

Having said this, you can rest assured that large amounts of Budweiser, the official beer of our sister regime, that of the great Stingray, as well as ample amounts of vacation and Rock n roll, shall always be in great supply while I am in control.

Një dhi në çdo shtëpi.

A goat in every home.

Një pulë në çdo tenxhere.

A chicken in every pot.

Rolling Stones 24 orë në ditë, duke shfaqur sajuar hero tuaj popullore, Keith Richards.

Rolling Stones 24 hours a day, featuring your fabled folk hero, Keith Richards.

Unë do të kërkoj mbështetjen tuaj të vazhdueshme, ndërsa ne ndërtojmë qeverinë tonëfiktive në vend tuaj.

I will ask for your continued support while we build our fictitious government in your stead.

Gjatë mund të jetojmë!!

Long may we live!!

Udhërrëfyes

Your Leader

Well, Mark, that certainly was interesting, considering he mentioned running for senate in the US state of Iowa next year. That would be, I believe, the first time that a self-proclaimed dictator of a Balkan country has run for state office in Iowa. And it is also, I believe, the first time an American used car dealer has attempted a coup d'etat of a foreign power, aside from the Mexican incident with Brad Gustafson of Minnesota back in 1983. All in all, it's shaping up to be a watershed in Iowa - Albania relations. This is Chad Hitler reporting from Tirana. Now back to our irregularly scheduled programming on GBCN.

Baker's Dozen

2011-05-19T16:08:00.004+02:00

Loren: I want to write a song about all my past girlfriends....not letting who they are out of the bag to anyone but you.

Chris: You should write a concept album about ALL your ex gfs
Something archaic in this new age of the single, thanks to iTunes
With album art like Iron Maiden, ha
I'd go one step further and name all the songs after their first names, ha
Jeanette, Part I
Jeanette, Part II
It would be a long fucking album
ha, that's the title
A Long Fucking Album
ALFA

Chris: And if you can't remember their names, use the nearest geographical feature
Gravel Road
Hood Ornament
OK, that wasn't a geographical feature, but you get what I mean
There's got to be a song about wanting to chew your fucking arm off to get the fuck out of her bedroom in the light of morning.

Chris: Baker's Dozen: The Thirteen Most Memorable Chicks of Loren Christensen's career
Compare them all to pastry

Loren: HHAHAHAHA

Chris: Jeanette's a jelly donut
Karen's a prune danish
Sharla McAllister's a cinnamon roll
Sweeter inside than out
You gave her the icing

Chris: That would probably be the weirdest concept album of 2011.
Baker's Dozen
Loren's top chicks enjoyed through the metaphor of pastry
Kneading the dough
Smacking it around
Stretching it out
Just to get her buns in the oven

Chris: And, best of all, buy the album and get the 13 recipes to go along with it.
And since your work career began as a baker, it is fitting.
Which chick would you compare to Danish Rye Bread?
Crumbly and best eaten open faced with a bit of cheese
Danish Rye Bread
Jelly Donut
Apple Turnover
Pop Tart, ha
Cinnamon Roll
Kringle
Chocolate eclair
Cream Puff
Bear Claw, ha
Actually, there are some quite sexual references just in the names of these delicacies.
Apfelstrudel
(for your time over here)

Loren: YOU KILL ME DID YOU SEE WHAT I RETURNED

Chris: Not yet
Just a moment

Loren: I think that this could be a good project, the album will read . "all songs written by Christensen/Meyer

Chris: Sure
Pastries
Which is sort of fitting, since they taste great at first, but 1) too much will make you ill and 2) you usually regret it later.

Chris: OK
Baker's Dozen: A Tour of Loren's Ladies Through the Wonder of Pastry
First song would be "Cherry Danish" about some Elk Horn virgin
Second song would be about you banging Don Larsen's wife on the hood of a car. Let's call it "Kringle".
Then comes Jeanette, with Jelly Donut.
Sharla McAllister, Cinnamon Roll
Who was that really wild chick you dated for a while, Claudia Müller?
Bear Claw
Christine would be Chocolate Eclair
That chick you were engaged to for a while who threw your ring off the balcony: Pop Tart
There would have to be a place on this album for Apple Pie, too. The original pastry song.
That chick downtown, my neighbor, could be Apple Pie
Lisa Walden - Cream Puff, or Apple Turnover

Chris: Then comes Karen: Prune Strip
Three more for the baker's dozen
Song about the Sansibar: Apfelstrudel (sung in German)
Lucy Wood: Maple Bars
One more
hmmm

Loren: apple pie definately has to be on it.....

Chris: Think of one more chick. Angel Food would be a good one.

Ed. note: After a few mails back and forth, Loren and Chris came up with this first song for the album. Following that exchange and the results thereof, they decided to end their songwriting partnership.

CHERRY DANISH

HERE SHE COMES, ONE OF A KIND

PIPING HOT, SHE’LL BLOW YOUR MIND.

STICKY, FLAKY, HOT AND SWEET.

WITH SWEET, JUICY CHERRIES ON TOP,

SHE’S QUITE A TREAT.

DESIRE’S MY INSTINCT, PLEASURE PLACE

PRIZE BEHIND THE GLASS STARING IN MY FACE

I THINK I’LL HAVE HER AS I WALK AWAY.

SHARED WITH NO ONE

NOTHING MORE TO SAY.

SO INVITING

TO SUCK HER JUICES, SO EXCITING.

WAY TOO FRESH, TOO SWEET FOR SOME.

TASTE THIS FRUIT AND YOU’RE SURE TO COME.

IT WAS WORTH IT, A PETTY CRIME.

IT WAS WORTH IT, JUST TO FEEL ALIVE.

IT WAS WORTH IT, SO FIRM AND HOT

IT’S WORTH THE TROUBLE, I HAVE ONE SHOT.

Royal Wedding

2011-04-29T21:34:00.004+02:00

Yes, gentle reader, I watched the royal wedding coverage today, for better or for worse. And here is my favorite picture of the festivities, not for one of two staged kisses on the balcony, but for the little flower girl in the lower left. She rather reminds me of Oskar Matzerath of the Schlöndorff 1979 film adaptation of Grass's novel, Die Blechtrommel/The Tin Drum.

After six hours of coverage or so, I felt the same way.

More Information on Peter Gude

2011-02-11T11:30:00.007+01:00

Gentle reader,

As I mentioned in the previous post, we're celebrating 5 years of Festung Europa by taking a look at some of the favorites of the past. Last August, I was excited to have received word via comments on this blog from what is a long-lost cousin of mine, a Dane named Carsten who posted the following:

Hi,
I'm distant related to Ella Gude, born March 1892.
Her father, Peter Gude, are born in Guderup, Als, Denmark (Schleswig) in 1869. Peter's g. grandfather, Jorgen Nielsen Finmand, born 1754, are mine gggg grandfather.
Regards, Carsten

I had replied in my post, thanking Carsten and asking that he would contact me. And about a week ago, he did! His name is Carsten Bonde, and he sent me two church documents related to Peter Gude, my great-grandfather from Guderup, Als, Denmark, born on August 1, 1869. One shows on the last entry Peter Gude's baptism on August 29, 1869 in the Egen church:

Peter Gude's Baptism Listing from the Egen Church

Now I had asked Carsten if he could help me out with the translation. Carsten mentioned that the modern Danes also have a problem with the Gothic script, but that this entry shows his father as Jørgen Gude and his mother as Ellen Gude, age 32. The right side of the documents lists the witnesses, but he couldn't make them out.

Another document Carsten sent me was that of Peter Gude's confirmation in Egen Church on Palm Sunday, April 6, 1884, one year before he emigrated. His entry is again the last on the listing:

Peter Gude's Confirmation Listing from the Egen Church

Carsten also submitted some additional family information to me. He writes:

I'm not sure how interested you are in family history, but here are some facts I've found:

Ellen Frederiksen was born 15 November 1837 in Egen

Jørgen Gude was born 15 October 1828 in Guderup

Jørgen and Ellen were married 22 September 1864 in Egen church.

Children of Jørgen and Ellen:

Jørgen Gude, born 1864, died in Denver, Colorado. Emigrated in 1881 from Copenhagen

Frederik Gude, born 1867, died in Elk Horn Iowa 1952. Emigrated in 1883 from Hamburg

Peter Gude, born 1869, died in Exira Iowa. Emigrated in 1885 from Hamburg.

Daughter (I have not found her name and birthday.)

Christen Gude, born 1875, ?

The family Gude lived in Guderup from before 1680 until about 1911. If you use Google Earth, and type Gl. Guderup 12, 6430 Nordborg, Denmark, you will see the place where they had been living. Also see this link. The link tells the story of the estate Gl Guderup 12. Again it's written in Danish, but with the help of google translate it may make sense for you.

(Ed. note: I've added a Google maps link as well as the Google translated link in English. A Google translated version of the Egen Church website is here.)

Thanks again to Carsten for providing this detailed information on my great-grandfather, Peter Gude, and his family!

-CRM

Festung Europa: Celebrating Five Years

2011-02-09T13:24:00.006+01:00

Gentle reader,

Five years ago in February, Festung Europa was born. In honor of the occasion, we'll try to put together some special retrospective posts of your favorites, plus a few new features to get the blood pumping in this blog once again.

I started this project on the occasion of my uncle, John R. (Junior) Meyer's death on Saturday, February 18, 2006. His passing caused me to reflect a bit on what he stood for as a farmer of the old school, and so, I posted a short tribute, the second post of this blog. From there, this blog has served many different purposes: information, commentary, geneaology, beverage reviews and general weirdness. Festung Europa has probably given friends, family and interested Internet searchers way too much information about the world of the Stingray Regime. Please know that everything posted has been approved for declassification by our censors working out of Uranium City, and of course, don't believe everything you read. Disinformation is our specialty.

For a while, I tried to ditch Festung Europa in favor of my now defunct heathen blog, Yggdrasil, but that project turned out not to generate the interest that this blog has. And so, after roughly a year of posting there, I merged all the pagan posts of Yggdrasil with Festung Europa.

I suppose Festung Europa has given way a bit over the years to Facebook, which, in addition to being a time waster par excellence, sucks effort away from what could turn up as my musings here. This blog did start out as a communications platform for me to keep in touch with my worldwide friends and family, but I concede that Mark Zuckerberg's creation does it better. Oh, to live on Sugar Mountain, with the barkers and the colored ballons! (Zuckerberg's German-Jewish nomen translates as such auf Deutsch.) Facebook also enabled me to contact a plethora of intereresting people on the fringe, once profiled here and otherwise lost forever. Out of eighteen flesh and blood acquaintances profiled in this feature, only seven remain unaccounted for. Even the subject of the quickly deleted "forbidden" post has been found. And a quick Facebook search reveals some that may be better left alone. Don't tread on me, indeed.

Let me take this opportunity to thank you, gentle reader, for your continued support of Festung Europa. I look forward to writing for you for many years to come.

Your humble servant,

CRM

Painting: The Figure 5 in Gold, 1928
Charles Demuth (American, 1883–1935)
Oil on cardboard

35 1/2 x 30 in. (90.2 x 76.2 cm)
Alfred Stieglitz Collection, 1949 (49.59.1), The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Six Ways To Sunday

2010-12-30T13:35:00.008+01:00

Gentle Listener,

I'm always impressed by the talent in my core group of friends. Whether it be artistic talent, such as that exhibited by Guy Tensen or architect Tony Bochicchio, or singing talent such as that of our Iowa Correspondent and Man About Town, Loren Christensen, my friends never fail to impress me. And so, when something new comes about, I feel compelled to tell the world, so what better way to do that than to announce it via this blog, Festung Europa.

The novelty to which I am referring is the creative corpus of Mr. Kevin Brocker, singer-songwriter from Urbandale, Iowa, which is, as you may know, part of the Xarlon Metroplex. Kevin has been writing some really great stuff in an alternative/pop/alt-country genre, and I think that you, gentle listener, would be advised to check him out at Reverbnation, where you can currently listen to 19 of his songs. For those of you on that omnipresent Internet platform, Facebook, you can "like" his band page there as well. And finally for you scrobblers out there on Last.fm, his page is here.

I also recommend that those who live in or around the Xarlon Metroplex go see Kevin and his band, Six Ways To Sunday, tomorrow on New Year's Eve at the Hilton Garden Inn. He'll be joined onstage by Paul Rottenberg, Guy Tensen and Mark Boals.

Kevin is indeed a consummate musician, and in addition to writing and singing these songs, he performs on all the instruments in these recordings, from the bass to the drum kit to, of course, the electric guitar. My personal favorites are 40 Acres, Deadbeat, Bar Fight and Protest Song.

For me, Kevin's songs reflect that existential angst that comes with middle age, the sort that makes you want buy a Porsche and ditch the wife for a newer model, or hunker down in a rest stop restroom and fellatiate a .44 magnum. The presumed immortality of youth has given way to the numbing reality of being forty something. And yet, despite the despair, hope prevails and love long lost may indeed return. It is the music of our times.

-CRM

A Work In Progress

2010-10-22T00:16:00.010+02:00

Gentle Reader,

Yes, I know, you're surprised to see me posting here. I am always apologizing for not keeping up with the blog, so again, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better. I'm like a wife beater, and you, gentle reader, are my bitch. Come on, honey, give me another chance. I promise I'll change. I love you. Then, after a round of tears and forgiveness, a bit of time passes and WHACK! I'm at it again. Or in the case of this blog, I'm not.

Don't despair, though. I have updated our masthead, and I hope you like it. It combines the Germanic typeface appropriate for this blog's title as well as the symbol of the world tree of my long lost blog, Yggdrasil. And to celebrate, here's an interesting video from germanicfolc entitled, appropriately enough, "Yggdrasill." It's chock full of mythological symbolism and just plain good for you. Enjoy!

CRM

Bravo!

2010-10-14T20:39:00.001+02:00

One of the reasons I've become quite a fan of Mad Men...

A Farewell Toast and A New Feature

2010-10-09T10:38:00.005+02:00

Gentle Drinker,

It has been several moons since my last column, and should you wonder, should you worry, should you want to know where I’ve been, then look no further for I am back for one last Drink of the Month column. When I first began the task of providing gentle drinker everywhere with notions for potions, it was because of my own lack of expertise that I committed to 12 moons of adventure in mixology. Since then, we explored the wonders of bock beer, our old friend the sidecar, pinot grigio, and our friends at the beach the Blue Lagoon and the Summer Hummer. We reveled in the joy of having Long Island Iced Tea at the movies, the melon-and-coconuts inspired Tropicana, and then shit got all weird with the killing of the Defensemaster but we drank mead like the warriors we are and trudged on. Then we imbibed the hot buttered rum as the days grew cooler, and sadly enjoyed our last Bloody Mary’s at the Uptown. Fall came in with a penchant for panty-dropping, and the Appletini provided just the right lubricant around the waistband. Anchor Christmas Ale welcomed the holiday season, and Toad Hollow champagne and homemade Irish Cream rang in the New Year. Miller High Life was our February DOM, and in a belated and final trip to the liquor cabinet, let us reach in one last time and pull out…a Coke!

No, I have not become a teetotaler. But I have rediscovered the incredible Aquaburg music scene, and when I go out, which is a LOT lately, I don’t drink because in the first place it costs perfectly good money I could be spending on CDs, and secondly, the shit just makes me tired and it’s hard to stay up until 2:00 when I’m drunk. So I go out and drink Cokes and watch some badass live music. This is the part where I go into the history of the drink, Coke was invented and then they changed it and blah blah blah, it’s sweet and has caffeine and at the Varsity they give you free refills.

I have observed a need for some quality reading on Festung Europa, and in response to that I would like to announce the launching of the Gig of the Month column, which will monthly (roughly) feature an Aquaburg band playing in an Aquaburg bar. And while I have done my duty to blogdom over the recent years, I pass the pen to a great man who is almost like a brother to me, a brilliant musician and a loyal friend, former keyboardist for the incredibly influential cover band Room 101, may I present Mr. Shock Doc Olafson!

(trumpets sound, etc.)

Um, yeah, thanks for the intro, G. And it’s called Minneapolis, not Aquaburg. Um, I’m going to be writing about shows I see and sharing them with you, hopefully for quite a while. The one I want to start with is actually not over yet, so you will get a chance to see this online. Mark Mallman is a local keyboard player who plays a style of pop-music I would call “arena rock”, with a big sound and accessible lyrics, as well as flashy keyboard solos and a showman sensibility such as holding the keyboard behind his head while he jams, standing up on the chair or on the keyboard as he plays, that sort of thing. For a taste of his music I would suggest a song he wrote about his grandfather, a boxer, called “Knockout on 22^nd Street”. Mark is the sort of artist who could be great if it wasn’t for his deep eccentricities, which, paradoxically, seem to be part of his greatness. He reminds a bit of the comedian Andy Kaufman in that he does these odds things that seem totally crazy, but are in their own weird way very brilliant. Eleven years ago he did a music marathon – one song that lasted 26.2 hours. Five years ago he outdid himself and played for 52.4 hours WITHOUT STOPPING ONCE. Why? Because, in his own words…

Why did Henry David Thoreau go into the woods? Why did Alice fall into the rabbit hole? I am not a magician or a stuntman attempting to set a world record. I am an animal in a stage-cage undergoing a metamorphosis of boot-stomping rock and roll and whirlwind synth-scapes. As a monk goes into silence, I go into my third temple of rock to expose the raw nerve of creativity itself. Ask me why, and I will say ‘because.’

I love it. And this weekend he is outdoing himself again. A 78-hour Mark Mallman marathon is underway, and as I write this he is 1 day, 10 hours, 6 minutes and 8 seconds into his 78-hour performance. I was there, at the Turf Club, last night to watch the ninth hour first-hand. He was surrounded by a rotating cast of local musicians (including a female drummer with an Iggy Pop face but the best jugs I’ve ever seen) who would play for an hour and then one-by-one trade their instruments with the next shift, without missing a note. Mark would coach his backup band in what the chord progressions were going to do next, and then sing from his 500+ pages of lyrics he has prepared for this event. The vibe in the bar was very good; lots of admiring fans, smiling, laughing, dancing, and generally having a good time. It’s still going on until Sunday at 10 pm CDT. Check it out at www.markmallman.com. Watch it for an hour. It’s something you may never see again.

Until next month,

Shock Doc Olafson

Fame and Facebook

2010-09-04T09:09:00.006+02:00

And now, Gentle Reader, in our continuing saga, Keith Richards, Rolling Stones guitarist and advocate for good living, has become overwhelmed by Facebook friend requests and messages, what I believe to be a prime opportunity for our Iowa Correspondent and Man About Town to finally become his butler and/or personal assistant:

Keith Richards September 1 at 2:36pm

let me look...... keef.

Keith Richards September 1 at 2:40pm

i get soo many messages... its not even right any more.. takes forever to go through them all......... keef

Loren R. Christensen September 2 at 8:18am

i am not bitching. It is nice just drop a line once in a while, no worries no demands. Do you suppose maybe, you could send an autogrphed picture and i could give it to Karl for Christmas??? If not, then that is fine. this thing is getting so big, that i am a little worried that i am going to lose you just because it is too taxing on you. if that ends up being the case then i am still glad that we had the chance to sort of get aquainted. My banker is bragging today that HE is now friends with my grandpa, one Chuck Berry. i have always called you dad and him grandpa.

Keith Richards September 2 at 2:40pm

well alright.. and ill see what i can do for the fellow. we will see about this ole thing.. the mates are adding me up like crazy.. the time and effort is just so much.. i feel bad, but theres so many notifications and messages every day, and i cant even make it on here every day. i dont know what to do............ keef.

Loren R. Christensen September 2 at 5:15pm

Thank you for everything. You have already provided so much joy in my life. Karl is going to flip when he sees that at christmas. my address is 8913 golf circle west des moines iowa 50266. Here is a question: What can I do for you???? How 'bout a bottle of genuine Templeton Rye....not the store bought shit, but real moonshine. they still make it up at the still in Templeton Iowa. This was a real Al Capone outfit during prohibition. I cannot send it through mail for obvious reasons, but the next time you are in the Midwest, Karl and I and the holdout skeptics, Karen and Katie could give it to one of your people or in person if you can work it in...you would love the stuff, it is inline with that old Rebel Yell you used to drink.

Your Friend,

Loren

MARP

2010-09-04T00:44:00.004+02:00

Loren: wpitfgqeru tverhoteyportnopqetoqetqwotqwi

Chris: Hi

Loren: i am so broke that i am baroque

Loren: welcome to small business ownership

Chris: How are things going with your business?

Loren: it is fine, just really tight

Chris: That is probably normal in the first couple of years.

Loren: yes it is....

Loren: do we skype this sunday????

Chris: Perhaps, I never really know.

Chris: I can't plan!

Chris: ha

Chris: What percentage of your business is repairs and what percentage is sales?

Loren: i just had this chick from high school"friend me the other day ....i started to talk to her and she like had this stupid, i am a hot chick attitude going where she read into every comment i made......sooooo

Chris: Who is that?

Loren: i just deleted the stupid cunt

Chris: ha

Chris: What do you mean "read into every comment"?

Loren: darcy moeller, a person i did not even really know. fuck all these junior middle aged drama queens

Chris: What year did she graduate?

Loren: i dont know how to explain. 1990. i told her that i could not tell who she was very easily and she goes ...well what kind of pictures are you looking for

Chris: And?

Loren: i said , i did not mean that i was looking for a better view of her face, as she did not have her maiden name listed.

Chris: Was this a number in your own Fibonacci series?

Loren: so she posted a message saying that she hoped this picture provided better angles.

Loren: whatever that means

Loren: no

Chris: Did you go to the ISU game?

Loren: just another stupid bitch in the tra\evail of bitches

Loren: no i watched on TEY VEY

Chris: Wow, it was broadcast? They must have been nothing else on! ha

Chris: Northern Illinois and ISU isn't exactly the lineup for the ages.

Loren: we looked good

Chris: Good.

Chris: It would be nice to beat Iowa.

Chris: I wouldn't care if we lost every game after that.

Chris: I can't stand those assholes.

Loren: it will be a game

Chris: I like the university, but I hate their fucking fans.

Loren: oui

Loren: THE IOWA HAWKEYES ARE LIKE THE FRENCH

Chris: Like the joke goes. What do Iowa and Iowa State fans have in common? Neither attended the University of Iowa.

Chris: I guess I have the feeling that if you didn't attend school there, then on what basis are you claiming your fanship? Good marketing?

Chris: That is why I can't get into pro football.

Loren: AND A KICKASS LOGO

Chris: haha

Loren: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Chris: I have a few friends that actually went there, so I can understand their support of their university. But all these other fucks who barely got out of HS showing their support for Iowa? Fuck them.

Loren: FUUUUUUCK

Chris: And especially those who went to some Jr. college or Maryville or whatever, supporting Iowa. Geez, if you like the school so much, why didn't you get the fucking grades to go there, asshole?

Loren: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Loren: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Chris: So, did you hire a bunch of hot bitches to work at your shop?

Loren: FUCK

Chris: I'm listening to Jethro Tull's 1977 folk album, "Songs From The Wood".

Loren: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Chris: Fük ja, Mann.

Loren: I AM PRACTICING

Chris: Practicing fucking? I hope you shut the office door.

Loren: YEA, I GET UP ON MY DESK WITH MY GARBAGE CAN UNDER ME AND GO TO TOWN LISTENING TO THE ATLANTA RHYTHM SECTION

Chris: hahahaha

Loren: OK I AM FINISHED

Chris: So when do I get some senior pictures? I can't believe Kate is graduating next year.

Loren: I AM NOT SURE PRETTY SOON, THOUGH, MAN SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. MORE LIKE A WOMAN EVERY DAY

Chris: It's hard to believe you'll soon have an empty nest in that huge fucking house of yours.

Loren: I WOULD LIKE TO SELL IT AND GO ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Chris: You have the camper to do it.

Loren: I COULD POLLINATE THE THREE STATE AREA

Chris: haha

Chris: Loren the Bee

Chris: Making honey from Minneapolis to KC

Loren: GET BACK IN THE GAME AND LET THE EVIL PLANS CHINANIGANS, SCHEMING ETC.

Loren: HAMMERING PUBLIC OFFICIALS WIVES WHILE THEY ARE OUT IMPRESSING EVERONE ELSE.

Chris: What you need is a spot opening for a bigger band to get you some exposure, and some of your own material.

Loren: I HAVE TWO FEMALE BANKERS THAT COME OVER HERE ALL THE TIME....WEIRD

Chris: haha

Chris: Together?

Loren: MARANDA AND ELIZABETH

Loren: OUI

Loren: 23 AND 5

Loren: 25

Chris: What's up with that? OK, OK, don't tell me.

Loren: THEY ARE MY CAR FLOORPLANNERS.

Loren: THEY ARE BOTH ON MY FRIENDS

Loren: ONE IS ENGAGED SO THAT IS COOL, BUT I THINK ELIZABETH WANTS ME TO BE HER MEDIUM

Loren: SO SHE CAN COMMNICATE WITH THE ALMIGHTY

Loren: AKA OH GOD OH GOD

Chris: What is her last name? I can't find her on search

Loren: ELIZABETH THRASHER

Chris: haha

Loren: NOT THE BRIGHTEST BUT NICE. SHE IS EVIL TOO, I CAN TELL.

Chris: Holy shit, Batman.

Loren: ASS HAMMER CITY

Chris: That is exactly what you need.

Loren: KEITH HAS GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE HE IS COMPLAINING TO ME.

Chris: Keith Richards?

Chris: David Bowie?

Chris: Bon Jovi?

Chris: What?

Chris: You are soon to be the personal advisor to Keef Richards?

Loren: HE IS BITCHING ABOUT TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH ALL THE REQUESTS HE GETS FROM EVERYBODY AND THEIR DOG. HE SAYS HE CANT KEEP UP.

Loren: I TOLD HIM TO JUST POST PUBLIC STUFF AND TALK TO THE FEW HE WANTS TO.

Chris: Offer to be his personal assistant. E-mail him a resume.

Loren: UH, KEITH , I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD PAY ME 125000 PER YEAR PLUS RESIDENCE AND BENEFITS TO GET FUCKED UP WITH YOU????

Chris: Tell him he's been deified, or at least he knows how it feels to be called upon like a cosmic bellhop.

Chris: haha

Chris: I don't know if that is how I would go about it.

Loren: NO

Loren: I WILL SEND YOU HIS TEXT THOUGH. I CAN TELL HE GETS EXASPERATED

Chris: I told Lucy Wood I was convinced you will personally meet with Keith Richards in the next two years.

Loren: I THINK IT MAY HAPPEN

Chris: Then we postulated that you may be called upon to play with him at some public event, upon which time you would spontaneously combust on stage, leaving nothing but a greasy spot on stage and a burned up Telecaster.

Loren: on the way

Loren: hahaha

Chris: Yeah, but the Elizabeth one says she's engaged.

Loren: yea like mccoid

Chris: She has pictures of her with some chump.

Loren: he looks like a real douche bag

Chris: That is even better, you don't have to worry about any exposure.

Loren: i am a toothless tiger these days, but the evil lurks stronger by the day

Chris: What is it with people getting the shit tattooed out of them nowadays?

Loren: i hate it

Chris: It always, and I mean always, looks cheap.

Loren: there is this office manager at the des moines auction that tells me i look like rod blagojevich.

Loren: i told her she looks like shirley fine

Chris: Who is that?

Loren: laverne de fazio's best friend

Chris: Oh, stupid me.

Loren: i asked her if she wanted to go on a test drive with the blago???

Chris: Should you have said Cindy Williams, I would have known.

Chris: haha

Chris: That tells me you need a new hairstyle!

Chris: ha

Loren: she has a dinomite ass and you can tell she is one step up from trailer trash and likes to fuck...that was my old de jour

Chris: I know - Squiggy! You can barge in and say "Hello!"

Chris: Well, then. What ARE you waiting for?

Loren: no i can be humping her on an old couch from behind and YOU barge in

Chris: Hello!

Chris: Dressed as Conan the Barbarian

Loren: i think at that point i would just keep going

Loren: even harder maybe

Chris: You'd have to share at that point. I could at least get a blowjob from the deal.

Chris: We could discuss Hegel or Kant while we porked her.

Loren: absolutely and i am sure she would be fine with it.

Chris: Great!

Loren: wonderful

Loren: publish cell pictures

Chris: Really, though. Those type of situations on videotape. I wonder how much you would need for a porn start-up.

Chris: Internet site, credit card access. We could make a shitload with Middle-Aged Reality Porn. MARP

Loren: it is easy. they dont even show the guy mostly. it is a cinch

Chris: Your son, Karl, is a techie, he could run the website. And I could be the director, like Burt Reynolds in Boogie Nights.

Chris: We could get a used van, deck it out in seventies style and cruise the streets of the Midwest.

Loren: like american pickers

Chris: Let's see, if we charged 20 bucks a month for access to the site, with automatic billing unless they cancel in writing, we could be setting on a gold mine.

Loren: and move to an island

Chris: Remember, the web is world wide. All we would need are 1000 perverts out of the over 6 billion folks on the planet to pay up monthly, and we'd have 240K gross a year.

Loren: fantasy island

Chris: Porn is recession-proof, too.

Chris: The only thing is there is a lot of free porn out there. You just need to have a higher quality product.

Chris: That Elizabeth Thrasher already has a porn name.

Chris: Betty Thrasher

Chris: And Karl is a techno-master. He could run everything.

Chris: Just tell your wife you are selling the house and Karl and you are starting a pornography company, haha

Chris: And there is one area that hasn't really been touched yet. Personal Porn Movies. People get professionals to film their weddings. We are the professionals to film your wedding night. With professional porn direction, writing, if wished, camera work and editing.

Chris: It is boudoir photography taken to its conclusion.

Loren: bad acting, the works!!!!

Chris: YES!

Chris: A young couple wants to make a sex tape, but they are tired of the shitty camera work from leaving a camera running at bedside. Karl, you and I show up with lights, cameras and action.

Loren: then the chloral hydrate comes out in his cocktail and i become what i was born to be.... the next robert crane!!!!

Chris: Our personal pornography consultants will help you develop your own script and storyline, to ensure a personal porn product you'll cherish for years.

Chris: YES! HOGAN!

Chris: Then, during our sales pitch, we offer them a chance to make money off of it by getting 20% of royalties from downloads off the internet., ha!

Loren: there has to be a time that we get karl out of it before i get shot, though.

Chris: haha Karl may be the one who shoots you, all fucked up on crystal.

Loren: great

Loren: so you run off with all the money....figures

Chris: We'd be on a fast road to flame out, but what the hell. Beats an office cubicle.

Chris: Seriously though, I bet you could make a mint with something like that.

OK, OK, I Believe, I Believe!

2010-08-13T11:36:00.004+02:00

Gentle Reader,

OK, I am going to make a leap of faith here. No, I'm not suddenly abandoning my ancestral, Germanic heathen ways to pick up some Semitic, desert religion. My belief refers, of course, to our last post on Festung Europa where our Iowa Correspondent and Man About Town, Loren Christensen engaged in a purported dialogue with none other than his lifelong idol, Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones. Loren's son, Karl, now provides me with another exchange with the Master, and after receiving this compelling information, I am obliged to relent and profess, "Yes, I believe and accept Keef Richards as my Lord and Saviour. Amen."

Here is the Facebook exchange as reported to me by Karl:

Karl: Hey Keith, how ya doin'? I know that the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is in the making and with you playing Teague in the previous movie I was wondering if you were going to be in it again. Also, is there a special trick to playing Monkey Man like some sort of tuning issue? My dad just can't seem to get it right.

Keith: hey karl... ive been fantastic as of late, yourself?... i was in the last one yes, played jacks father... and i may be in the next one, cant really tell, but maybe, lol.. the thing with monkey man is you cant do it with one guitar, theres weaving between the lead and rhythm... its very complicated because of the keys and where ronnie goes and how fast i play... to put it this way, tell your dad ive never gotten it quite right either, lol. You dont get it right, thats the thing.. if you can play it 'Right', then your doing it wrong. if people know what your playing and they love it, youve done your job... it was one hell of a groove, a real bugger in the studio to get right, couldnt tell you how i finished it....................keef.

-CRM

I WANT to Believe

2010-08-04T19:54:00.006+02:00

And so, in this Bizarro World of the early 21st century, Loren R. Christensen, Esq., our own Festung Europa Iowa Correspondent and Man About Town, carries on what seems to be an innocuous Facebook chat with Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones:

Loren R. Christensen August 4 at 10:55am
Karl has had band camp this week, but is looking forward to talking more to you soon. He is a little nervous about bringing up Brian Jones. Is it a topic you would rather steer clear of???

Keith Richards August 4 at 11:09am
hell no, everyone else does, lol.. brian bless his soul is fine with me, i do miss the guy, we just had our moments, thats all.. its not what everyone out there beliefs about me and him.. that topic along with any other is fine with me..........keef.

Loren R. Christensen August 4 at 11:14am
Cool, I will let Karl know that it is

I WANT to believe it. I really do. As the Mystic Master, Budwan, once told me long ago while partaking of some sweet, Immaculate Village leaf, "Free your mind, young Defensemaster!" However, he also gave me and everyone else who ascended the ranks in the God Bureau this sound advice: "If it don't smell good, don't fuck it." Gentle reader, I leave it for you to decide.

A Bit of Information about Guderup

2010-08-04T18:01:00.007+02:00

Gentle reader,

I can see by my stats counter that our last post provoked a lot of interest. And so, while we wait for Carsten to drop by our hallowed halls of Festung Europa once again, I thought I would start some quick Internet searches to provide a bit of information on the little town, Guderup, Denmark, where my great-grandfather, Peter Gude, hailed from.

I couldn't find anything specific about Guderup at first, but I do find the name etymologically interesting, since, of course, Gude is a part of it, which could mean that there are many with that family name in the area. (I have yet to search the Guderup phone book!) Additionally, I searched for the Danish suffix -rup. Rup (from -t(e)rup) is the Danish version of the Swedish suffix, -torp, which means a small farm on the outskirts of a village. In Old English, the suffix would be -thorp, while in German, the word is Dorf, meaning "village". When you compare -dorf to -torp, you can see the similarities, especially when you consider the High German consonant shift. So we can take this village to originally mean: the small farm of the Gude family, which I find rather intriguing. Gude in and of itself may be related to the Danish word for God, Gud.

Guderup is located on the island of Als, which is not far from the German border and was subject to contention during the time that Peter Gude emigrated in the late 19th century. In fact, he may well have left to avoid service in the Prussian Army, as Prussia had taken over Als along with the rest of the Danish provinces of Schleswig and Holstein, defeating Denmark in the Second Schleswig War in 1864. After German defeat in World War I, however, a referendum was held in 1920, and Als once again came under Danish control.

Being an island, Als is a popular vacation destination. Guderup now is part of the municipality of Sønderborg, which has a nice tourist website. I may have to plan a visit!

-CRM

Interesting Genealogical Update

2010-08-03T12:21:00.000+02:00

Gentle reader,

The power of the Internet is quite something for genealogical research. As you might recall, I posted a Mildred Meyer family history on this blog way back in the beginning, which was then used for the Exira, Iowa Sesquicentennial history book. Now it seems a long-lost (Danish?) relative has made contact with me. Here is what our friend posted on this blog:

Hi,
I'm distant related to Ella Gude, born March 1892.
Her father, Peter Gude, are born in Guderup, Als, Denmark (Schleswig) in 1869. Peter's g. grandfather, Jorgen Nielsen Finmand, born 1754, are mine gggg grandfather.
Regards, Carsten

Thanks so much for posting, Carsten! I'd be interested in getting in touch with you. Please get in contact with me at my e-mail link posted at right.

This is indeed interesting, as this is the first connection I have to eventually tracing the family lineage back to the old countries of Denmark and Germany. Up to now, the most distant link in my genealogical chain consisted of my relatives who first emigrated to America back in the mid-19th century. I hope Carsten checks back with us on Festung Europa soon!

-CRM

A New Design

2010-07-29T13:45:00.002+02:00

Gentle reader,

As you can see, we've adopted a new design for Festung Europa, thanks to a Blogger template by Tina Chen that somehow felt appropriate. I admit, I've been quite remiss in posting here, and I hope to get back to the blog, so to speak. With the rise of other social media, such as the greatest time-waster known to mankind, Facebook, the postings to this blog somehow get forgotten. I shall try to do better. OK, I know I've said that before, but this time I mean it. Or not.

-CRM

Chatting With Our Man About Town

2010-07-26T18:25:00.005+02:00

Loren: look at your regular email

Chris: OK

Checking Email from Loren:

Here we go again. I sent Keith a massage asking him if he would consider being Karl's buddy, as he really needs a "cool" friend, and this is what I got. If you start to tear up, do not worry about it, because my service manager and I already did.

Wow!

-----Original Message-----
From: Facebook [mailto:notification+p1duiuvm@facebookmail.com]
Sent: Saturday, July 24, 2010 7:31 PM
To: Loren R. Christensen
Subject: Keith Richards sent you a message on Facebook...

Keith sent you a message.

Re: Hey Keith,

"have him message me if he likes and we will have a nice chat.. if he has anything he would like to ask or talk about tell him to do so and of course i would be very patient.. tell him to add me too of course, i looked but am haveing difficulties finding him, not the best with this thing, lol.......keef."

Chris: Wow

Loren: Karl will never forget this one.

Chris: That is quite interesting.

Loren: I always knew that Keith was a nice man.

Chris: There is still part of me that is, however, skeptical if it is truly him.

Loren: well i asked if maybe he could send a picture of the stones autographed

Chris: Reminds me of the twitter deal with Chris Walken.

But then again, who am I to know?!

I'm just some fucknut sitting halfway across the world.

Loren: It's him or the most incredble impression ever

Chris: I'm anxious to see you get that picture!

That would be awesome.

Loren: that would be the proof i need

Chris: I wish Hitler was still around on Facebook.

Chris: It could indeed be him, though, as I thought FB started a verification policy on sites claiming to represent celebrities.

Chris: I'm crossing my fingers for Keith to show up some Saturday at your place to jam.

You could apply to become his personal assistant.

Loren:haha

Chris: Loren Christensen, Keef Richard's butler

Loren: drinkin with keith

Chris: Flying all over the world, fucked up

Who knows? Stranger things have happened.

I don't think that you would give two thoughts to DSM and the life you now lead if that sort of opportunity fell into your lap.

Trying to keep Keef and Ronnie out of trouble in Bangkok

Loren: hahhah

Chris: The thing is, they're getting older, so they'll need someone to figure out the correct dosage.

There would be a new reality show on MTV: Keef's American Butler.

It would make Ozzy Osbourne look like Leave it to Beaver.

Chris: If you ever did meet him, I can imagine you supplicating ala Wayne's World. You're not worthy!

haha

The Stones are all friends with Bill Clinton, so there could be some serious pussy parties in the Big Apple.

Slick Willie in a toga kind of stuff

Who was it, F.Scott Fitzgerald who said the rich aren't like us? You'd get to see just how fucking debauched they truly are.

Coming up next on MTV, Keef's American Butler.

Tune in this week as Keef's American Butler Loren has to bail out Charlie and Keef from a Tokyo jail, meeting with the American ambassador to smooth out the incident.

Loren: hahaha

get the prime minister high

fuck, get the emperor high

Chris: I like that for a band name.

Get the Emperor High

Loren: hahaha

Chris: Get all fucking high and put on Samurai armor

Watch as Keef manages to burn down a 1000 year old temple with a flaming arrow.

See Loren stumble drunk and destroy 20 ancient bonsai trees

Watch as Mick Jagger manages to get both of them out of the country on his private jet.

Loren: hahaha

like godzilla walking through them, bitching about christine thelan the whole time

bitching

Chris: Loren - "I fucking bought a bonsai tree for a girlfriend of mine once, can you fucking believe that, Keef. She probably still has it."

Loren:"let it go, man"

Chris: Keef - swinging samurai sword and hacking off tree

In a scene reminiscent of the films of the great Akira Kurosawa, Keef and Loren manage to escape through some quick ninja moves as 500 armed guards converge on the palace.

Loren: the drunken ninja's

another great name

where were all these when we needed them

Chris: The Drunken Ninja's with their new album, Get the Emperor High

Loren: the best one was and is still "the mammary attractions"

hahaha

Chris: That is what was lacking in all those old band names, the unforgetable factor.

The Drunken Ninjas instantly creates a vision of dark clad, sake drinking warriors, throwing stars wildly, indiscriminately destroying shit

Loren: hahaha

get the emporor high is funny as hell

emperor

Chris: Get the Emperor High also creates an image, either of Japan, Rome or Star Wars hegemons toking on a bong.

May the smoke be with you.

Loren: "toke!! toke it out, man!!!!!

smoke careening out of the emperors nostrils

Chris: I always loved that 5 minutes between an oxygen-depriving toke and total fucking mayhem.

Loren:i could be in the back cheering him on like i used to you

yea yea yea gogogogog!!!!!

Chris: Will Sigsbee - "Fuck Meyer, that was one hell of a hit."

Loren: awesome!!!!

hahaha

Chris: In that 5 minutes, my mind pretty much disengages from standard thought procedures.

Loren: like an animal

Chris: Sort of.

Loren: you switch to instincts

Chris: An animal who reads a lot

The well-read animal, another good band name

Loren: well, fuck, you chased me around like a dog for an hour once

Chris: haha

Loren: or a biography about you

Chris Meyer, the Well Read animal

Chris: Yeah, but what I realized by smoking it, just visualize it, and it is. If I see it, then it IS real.

Loren: or it could be an instruction manual for would be weirdo's just gettin their start

Chris: Everyone else in the room is either 1) on the same plane 2) reduced to insecure giggling or 3) scared as fuck

Loren: or like me, a combination

Chris: The would-be weirdos, another good band name

Make note of these for when you get something going

I still like Get the Emperor High

Loren: the drunken ninjas

Chris: Get the Emperor High has a real deviant factor to it, on par with Get the President High, but on a level of god on earth.

I am going to get God's representative on earth fucked up beyond all recognition.

That is a worthy cause if I ever heard of one.

Loren: i love it

I bet Jesus would have been funny high

or he probably was

Chris: I don't buy post-war Japan....they still think he is god, after all, he has the sun goddess Amaterasu in his lineage.

Loren: hei!!!

Chris: Just think, if you were Keef's butler, you would get to carry around a sort of Hunter S. Thompson briefcase like the one with the nuclear codes.

Only full of all medications.

Handcuffed to you. haha

I'd like to see his prescription list.

Loren: oh, but he doesn't DO that no more!!!

Chris: Not until Loren became his butler.

He probably takes bull semen injections like der Führer.

ha

Weird homeopathic remedies

Loren: what the fuck

Chris: What?

Loren: bull semen

Chris: haha

Loren: i will never look at the boss the same way, thanks.

we're gettin our head kicked in at kursk

i know! i will injest some bull semen

Chris: He was on coke in the last year, too

Loren: that i can understand

Hot Coffee

2010-06-22T21:54:00.002+02:00

If I could drink coffee all day
The night would remain far away.
My life would be heaven
Wired twenty-four seven
And I'd do twice the things that I may.

If my coffee were replaced by tea,
It wouldn't be as nice, you see,
As it seems watered down
For schoolgirls and clowns
And lacking the bite for me.

Should cream and sugar fall in my cup,
I wouldn't know down from up,
Since sweetness and milk
Are too nice for my ilk,
An old hound am I not a pup.

So give it to me dark and black.
Hot and piping, it's better than smack.
But too much it seems
Disturbs my sleep and my dreams
And could possibly cause heart attack.

Thanks from GBCN!

2010-05-28T18:41:00.002+02:00

Gentle listener,

We at GBCN, the God Bureau Cable Network, would like to thank you for your continued support of our pirate radio station, eh. Our sporadic programming has rather settled into a weekend routine of Friday and/or Saturday shows, and we hope you've been able to tune in. As we like to say, we may sound like shitty AM radio, but we aren't. We are pirates of the airwaves, eh, oh well, at least of the Internet. Arrgh!

Mark Kingsley
Director of Programming, GBCN
Uranium City, Saskatchewan

New Moon Niceties: Better Know Your Brews!

2010-04-14T12:57:00.009+02:00

For our fourth edition of Better Know Your Brews this year, I will be evaluating two of my favorite Oregonian beers. On a recent trip to Portland, my brother in beer, Justin, and I visited seven breweries including Hopworks Urban Brewery and Alameda Brewing Company. Nearly all of the beers we tasted in Portland are not available outside of the brewpubs or Portland. Instead of spotlighting one of these beers, I will be examining two Oregonian brews you can likely find in your corner liquor stores in the United States. For this month’s publication, I will be focusing on two of the flagship beers from two of Oregon’s largest breweries: Full Sail’s Amber Ale and BridgePort’s ESB. I did consider rating these beers in the style of the notorious Jocelyn Riehl, a former love interest of multiple Festung Europa contributors. In this rating system, all beers are rated in a manner similar to dressage (horse training). Your editor, Chris Meyer, once tried his hand at this rating system with the following quote: “The bite on this bitter is as sharp as the pecker on an Arabian stallion.” Let’s skip that bullshit, rate in a more professional sense (ala the late Michael Jackson, though not of the 'Beat It' variety), and start with a beer that famous connoisseur, Justin Nielsen, considers one of America’s five finest beers.

-Aaron Nielsen

Full Sail Amber Ale (Amber Ale)

Full Sail (Hood River, Oregon)

Full Sail’s main brewery resides in Hood River, Oregon just off the Columbia River, about 60 miles east of Portland. There’s a nice brewpub for testing a number of Full Sail’s beers: the main three beers (Amber, IPA, Pale Ale), the Session beers (Schwarzbier and Pale Lager), and numerous seasonal beers. Seasonal beers such as Vesuvius and Keelhauler are highly recommended, but you’ll have to look for them in larger liquor stores during the appropriate season. You can also take a great tour of the brewery while sampling Full Sail’s lineup, which I very much enjoyed on a previous trip to Oregon. Full Sail Amber has historically been the best selling beer for Full Sail up until a couple of years ago when the Session Lager was introduced. You can find both of these beers without too much trouble for about $6.99 a six-pack in most liquor stores. I have even found Full Sail Amber in twelve packs for $9.99, which is nothing less than a steal. Full Sail Amber is the best example of an American Amber Ale and should be tasted by anyone and everyone. At 5.5% ABV, its alcohol content is typical of a microbrew and is one reason why this beer is incredibly easy to throw back. A pint glass is the perfect vessel for this beer if you elect to not drink it straight out of the bottle.

Full Sail Amber pours with a medium amount of a tan-orange head. The body is rusty-orange in color, yet somewhat clear. Your first smell of the beer will be a sweet caramel and malty aroma. The malty overtones mean that you won’t be smelling the hops too greatly. Your first drink will be highly carbonated and caramel in flavor. There’s definitely a nutty flavor mixed in there, somewhat like hazelnuts. If you swish this beer around your mouth a little bit, you will continue to taste that distinct caramel flavor but the sweetness will be in the forefront. With the finish, you can taste the hops (including Mt. Hood Hops) more fully and overall, is very smooth. What I love most about this beer is that it is sweet, but not overlyso and not at all fruity. It is a darker ale, but not thick. People who normally shy away from darker beers should not be intimidated by this brew. Finally, it is hard to finder a smoother drinking beer full of flavor. This is the best selling Amber Ale in the Pacific Northwest and among the best selling Amber Ales in the entire United States. If you’re looking to kick back a smooth beer while tailgating prior a concert or a game or are simply looking for a tasty beer that you can chug (and enjoy) with the boys, then Full Sail Amber is the beer for you. I agree with the bottle’s label that states Full Sail Amber is “ridiculously tasty.” Pick up a six or twelve pack of this today!

Aroma: 7/12 | Appearance: 3/3 | Flavor: 17/20 | Mouthfeel: 4/5 | Overall Impression: 8/10

Total: 39/50 (Excellent)

Aaron’s rating: 9.0/10

BridgePort ESB (Extra Special Bitter)

BridgePort (Portland, Oregon)

BridgePort is located in Portland and their brewpub resembles more of a large café with their beer lineup. At most larger beer stores, BridgePort beers are fairly easy to find, so it shouldn’t be too hard to find this beer. A six-pack will run about $7.99 and this beer should be served in an ordinary pint glass. BridgePort ESB was the first ESB that I ever enjoyed, one of the reasons that I am presenting it today. ESB or Extra Special Bitter is a hoppy, bitter ale. While many bitter ales are lower in alcohol, this ESB has about 6% ABV.

BridgePort ESB has semi-translucent orange body with a medium, tan head. The aroma exhibits a highly floral, hoppy smell in which you can also smell the pale malts. Your first taste will be hoppy but not as much so as an IPA or a Pale Ale. Despite the hoppiness, it is also quite reminiscent of a traditional English ale. In your mouth you can feel a greater carbonation while swishing this beer around your mouth will really open up the floral palette. The finish is a little dry but masked by the carbonation. At 6.1% ABV, this beer packs a little extra punch, but you'll hardly notice it. This brew is also a good for drinking a six or twelve-pack when you are looking for something with a bit more flavor than Bud Light.

Aroma: 10/12 | Appearance: 3/3 | Flavor: 14/20 | Mouthfeel: 3/5 | Overall Impression: 8/10

Total: 38/50 (Very Good)

Aaron’s rating: 8.5/10

New Moon Niceties: Better Know Your Brews!

2010-03-15T16:00:00.008+01:00

A New Moon brings us two new delicious, specialty beers to examine from the Samuel Adams’ Barrel Room collection. The Barrel Room collection is a series of libations brewed in smaller quantities with stronger flavor than your average Samuel Adams beer. A 750 ml bottle from this collection costs $8.49 on sale, for example, at Argonaut Liquor in Denver, Colorado. Typically, a bottle could cost $9.99 or $10.99. This collection can be found at some larger liquor stores but isn’t necessarily abundant west of the Mississippi. The two beers featured today, Stony Brook Red and American Kriek, exhibit strong fruit characteristics. In most cases, if you wish to drink beer with your girlfriend or mistress, fruit beers like Pyramid Audacious Apricot Weizen or Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat are sure to pop her cherry. If she happens to know anything about beer, other it than getting her loaded, she'll find that these two beers are stronger and more flavorful and much more interesting to taste. New World Tripel is the remaining member of the Barrel Room collection.

-Aaron Nielsen

Stony Brook Red (Fruit Beer)
Samuel Adams (Boston, Massachusetts)

This beer, along with the others in the Barrel Room collection, comes in gorgeous bottles and of course, is corked. Another cool feature is that the bottle is numbered on the back (I got #3459), so clearly it’s a limited release. There are a multitude of flavors in this beer, making every taste an experience. On top of all those flavors, the beer is aged in oak barrels and has 9% alcohol by volume. I choose to drink this beer chilled, and the bottle recommends that it is served in a traditional glass at 45° F.

I tasted the beer in a St. Bernardus goblet following a pour that bloomed into a medium-size, vanilla-reddish head. In appearance, the beer looks like cranberry juice. One whiff of the beer smacks you with a great, cranberry tart aroma that is somewhat strong. I sensed a weak hint of the oak undertones. A quick taste will first provide you with that rich, tart flavor: sour, but not overwhelmingly puckering like many Belgian-style Kriek beers. When you swirl this beer around your mouth, you will find it has a high amount of carbonation, opening up a lot of other flavors perhaps at first masked by the tartness. To begin with, you get to taste of wood, an oaken barrel flavor, but if it was aged in a whiskey barrel, that flavor is not very present. The taste has a nice sweetness that does not exhibit the high alcohol content, even when held in your mouth. After tasting all these flavors, the finish will be rather dry and not all that different from a wine. Overall, this beer has so much to taste and is a great beer to try if you want to try the sweeter side of specialty beers.

Aroma: 11/12 | Appearance: 2/3 | Flavor: 16/20 | Mouthfeel: 3/5 | Overall Impression: 8/10
Total: 40/50 (Excellent)

Aaron’s rating: 8.5/10

American Kriek (Fruit Beer)
Samuel Adams (Boston, Massachusetts)

Here we have a Kriek-style beer, though it is advertised as an American Kriek rather than a Belgian Kriek. Kriek beers are brewed from wheat malts and heaps of cherries and is one of the fruit beers of choice in the great beer nation of Belgium. I found three possibilities to why this is called “American Kriek”. First and most obvious, it is made in Massachusetts. Second, the cherries used in this beer, while originally from Hungary, are now grown in Michigan. Finally, kriek beers, like other lambic beers, are traditionally fermented with wild yeast. In this brew, cultivated yeast is used instead of wild yeast. This beer has 7% alcohol by volume and was aged in oak barrels.

American Kriek pours a huge white-maroon head, though this can be avoided by a slow pour. Like many wheat beers in Belgium, a nice, large head is customary, and indeed, welcome for this beer. In color, the beer is dark maroon, most likely from dark, black cherries. When you take a drive-by of this beer, you will get a sweet, cherry-like smell with a hint of vinegar. Most likely this hint of vinegar comes from the yeast. While the yeast is cultivated, it is probably a wild yeast obtained in Belgium. Wild yeasts tend to give a sour, vinegar-like smell and flavor. It should be noted that the smell isn’t too strong. Your first taste will deliver flavor from the Balaton cherries, sweet, mildly sour, and extremely delicious. If you swish the beer around your mouth a bit, you can again experience the plethora of carbonation. In addition, the beer will leave a tingly feeling in your mouth, though it is probably more from the flavor than from the alcohol content. The finish of American Kriek is very smooth, making this 7% alcohol beer incredibly enjoyable and easy to drink. Remarkably, this beer is on par with its Belgian counterparts. Highly recommended.

Aroma: 9/12 | Appearance: 3/3 | Flavor: 15/20 | Mouthfeel: 4/5 | Overall Impression: 9/10
Total: 40/50 (Excellent)

Aaron’s rating: 9/10

New Moon Niceties: Better Know Your Brews! Édition Québec

2010-02-13T10:28:00.011+01:00

Your monthly brewmeister extraordinaire, Double A, is on the road, assessing the best beers Canada has to offer. With the help of my Francophone, sexy babe girlfriend, I am discovering Canada’s full palette of beers. Canada has gained a bad rap in the beer department for such barf-worthy beers such as Labatt Blue, Moosehead, and Molson Ice. PLEW!!! As your monthly beer expert, I will guide you to the renaissance in Canadian beer taking place in Quebec. We’ll take a look at two brews from there, both wheat-based in malt and both enabling you and your sexy Québécois girl to get fucked up enough to forget the night. Tonight, I tasted the best of Québécois beers at Ste. Alexandre’s Pub located in Quebec City, Quebec. With twenty beers on tap and over 100 bottles, you’ll have plenty of variety to taste.

-Aaron Nielsen

RJ Blonde d’Achouff (Belgian Strong Ale)

Brasseurs RJ (Montreal, Quebec, Canada)

I, personally, have not tasted beers from RJ before, but I am always enthusiastic to try Québécois beers. This beer is advertised as a “blonde” on the menu and on the bottle as a “spicy, strong beer”. Either way you cut it, it comes from a wheat-based malt, has approximately 8% apv, and runs only 5.75 $CAD for 12 oz. in the bottle. Our beer taster of the week found the bottle’s label to be very “cute”. The head is almost non-existant, but is white and disappears within moments of the pour. In the appearance, you’ll see you a dark yellow-orange, very hazy look. There was plenty of sediment suspended in the beer, not necessarily in bottom of the glass. Corriander is the most obvious scent of the beer, but overall, you get a sweet, citrus-like aroma when taking in its aroma. When imbibing your first taste, there’s a medium maltiness that only burns if you hold the beer in your mouth more than four seconds. Most obvious in the taste is a light, somewhat citrus-like flavor with light carbonation and strong hints of orange peel. The finish is overwhelmingly smooth with no hint of the strong alcohol present. You are left with a slightly sour taste in your mouth, but in a way, it’s refreshing.

Aroma: 11/12
Appearance: 3/3
Flavor: 18/20
Mouthfeel: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Total: 43/50 (Excellent)

Aaron's Rating: 8.5/10

Blanche de Chambly (Belgian White)

Unibroue (Chambly, Canada)

From my personal experience, Unibroue has the best beer Canada has to offer. Following in the footsteps of the Belgian beer tradition, Unibroue has an amazing Abbey Tripel (La Fin du Monde), a great Belgian Strong Ale (Trois Pistoles), and for the ladies, a tasty Apple Wheat beer (Éphémère Pomme). Blanche de Chambly is the most widespread and the most enjoyable beer to the mainstream. Mon frere, Chad, who has sucked down far more brewskies than I, considers this beer one of his personal favorites. In America, you can get a 750 ml for $8.99; in Canada, I received a 20 oz. glass on tap for 8.00 $CAD.

Upon ordering a Blanche de Chambly, you’ll get a beer that has a mild, pearly-white head. In appearance, you’ll immediately notice that this is a unfiltered wheat beer and in particular, it’s a Belgian-style witbier. The appearance is a very hazy and in color; it looks like honey, that is a yellow-orange typical of Belgian White beers. Inhaling its aroma, you will get the essentials of the beer: orange peel, coriander, and overall citrus-like characters. Overall, the beer is very smooth with a slightly spicy, citrus taste, but rather neutral and enjoyable. On the downside, it can be a little watery, but you can use this to your advantage. Drink this beer in large quantities at the end of the night, and I guarantee it’ll go down like water and you’ll be more than prepared to take that special lady home. Speaking of which, the ladies overwhelmingly love this kind of beer and Blanche de Chambly goes down so smoothly, there’s no chance she’ll be able to keep track of how many of these she’s had. It doesn’t have as strong of presence in fragrance or in flavor as Hoegaarden, but it goes down smooth and easy. If you’re with your fille de la nuit, share a couple pitchers of this easy drinking beer and she’ll be ready to faire une pipe or, at the very least, take care of your visible trique.

Aroma: 10/12
Appearance: 3/3
Flavor: 15/20
Mouthfeel: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Total: 40/50 (Excellent)

Aaron's Rating: 8.5/10

And not to leave out ma belle amie, who tried this cidre:

Verger du Minot Mystique Cider (Cider)

Verger du Minot (Hemmingford, Canada)

Guest rater, Rachel: Délicisieux, rafraîchissant, comme avoir croqué dans une pomme croquante. Miam-miam ! Il faut le goûter.

Rachel's Rating : 9/10

GBCN Pirate Radio

2010-02-05T12:23:00.004+01:00

Gentle listener,

After a bit of preliminary testing, we'll be starting up with irregularly-scheduled programming on GBCN Pirate Radio this weekend. You may ask, what do I have to do to tune in? It's simple: just visit us here at Festung Europa! When the Pirate Radio™ sign appears below our GBCN logo at right, you're listening to us broadcasting live from our GBCN World Centre in Uranium City, Saskatchewan. When the Pirate Radio™ sign at right doesn't load, that means we are currently not broadcasting. Additionally, you may listen to us in slightly higher quality here. Just look for us listed under Mixed Format and click on WebSteam™ next to GBCN.

Pirate Radio is a Java™-supported application. Be sure that your browser supports Java™ in order for it to work for you.

Our format will primarily be streaming music, but you can expect other GBCN features as well. We are currently experimenting with bringing some of our beloved Festung Europa progams such as Man About Town and The Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag to you in this audio format.

A note about quality: the webstreams are brought to you at around 20 kbs, 32 kbs on the Pirate Radio Network ™ site. This isn't great, but it allows us to reach the widest audience possible given our current bandwidth limitations. I like to think it has a sort of nostalgic quality, akin to AM radio in the 1970's.

We hope you'll enjoy GBCN Pirate Radio, and thanks for listening!

-CRM

Gonar's Drink of the Month

2010-02-05T10:08:00.007+01:00

Gentle Drinker,

This moon's drink of the month, commemorating the first anniversary of the most
sublimely supreme Superbowl commercial ever...

...High Life!

Enjoy the game,
Gonar

P.S. In case you missed it, Miller did a 1-second ad for Superbowl 43, supposedly to protest the outrageous cost of their commercial time. Here it
is...

Thought for the Weekend

2010-01-22T14:18:00.002+01:00

My God! I'm thinking what incredible shit we put up with most of our lives - the domestic routine (same old wife every night), the stupid and useless and degrading jobs, the insufferable arrogance of elected officials, the crafty cheating and the slimy advertising of the businessmen, the tedious wars in which we kill our buddies instead of our real enemies back home in the capital, the foul, diseased and hideous cities and towns we live in, the constant petty tyranny of automatic washers and automobiles and TV machines and telephones--! ah Christ!, I'm thinking, at the same time that I'm waving goodby to that hollering idiot on the shore, what intolerable garbage and what utterly useless crap we bury ourselves in day by day, while patiently enduring at the same time the creeping strangulation of the clean white collar and the rich but modest four-in-hand garrotte!

- Edward Abbey, from Desert Solitare, 1968

Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag

2010-01-21T13:17:00.001+01:00

Hi ya, folks, it is I, Mark Kingsley, coming to you direct from the GBCN world centre in Uranium City, Saskatchewan. Since we haven't chatted in some time, let me first begin by wishing all those viewers in the fifty-six nations of the free world a happy twenty-ten! Better late than never, I always say. I know, it's been a while, eh, but we hope to be as regular as Metamucil in the coming months.

Folks, we're literally freezing our asses off here in the Great White North. We're looking at minus 35 centigrade tomorrow morning, which is darn close to that point where Celsius and Fahrenheit come together at minus 40 degrees, which translates to, well, um just a moment. Wanda, can you come over please?

(Iguana Wanda enters from stage right, wearing a Wagnerian breastplate and horned helmet. Mark proceeds to feel her up.)

*Slap!*

(Iguana Wanda exits stage right.)

Yes, folks, it IS as cold as a witch's tit in a brass bra! I would have tried to find a well digger to find out how cold his ass is, but well digging is well-nigh impossible here until May, eh!

Your cards and letters have been piling up in the long time since we last went through them, except of course for those we've been using as tinder for the fire. And we'll get right to what's left of them, eh, right after a word from our sponsor.

(dark, misty view of a Scottish lake, water ripples, Jaws theme music)

Just when you thought it was safe to put away your football paraphernalia...

(water ripples, dark beast with hawk's head emerges)

It's back.

The Hawk Ness Monster.

(beast lets out a blood-curdling howl)

Relishing it's 2010 Orange Bowl victory and ready for more!

Relive the moments of the 2009 season by picking up your Hawk Ness Monster T-shirt or hat today, only available at Lynn Nelson's Hawk Ness Monster website!

Lynn's voiceover: Not affiliated with the University of Iowa in any way. Lawyers stay away! That's it, go away! We're a tiny operation in Astatula, Florida selling shirts about mutant hawk monsters living in the depth of Loch Ness, Scotland. Move along. These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Hawk Ness Monster! For the fan of it.

(Cut back to Mark, shivering around the pot-bellied stove.)

We're back with the Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag, folks. As I mentioned, earlier, we've been using your cards and letters to keep our asses warm here in Uranium City, but that doesn't mean we've run out of your input, eh.

(Reaches down and pulls out letter in a pile on the floor.)

Here, this looks like an interesting start to today's show. Let's take a look.

(Rips open letter.)

Dear Defensemaster,

I've been a loyal and even gentle reader of Festung Europa for some time. I used to enjoy the variety of entertainment you offered, but now it only seems to be reviews of alcoholic beverages. What gives?

Sincerely,

Dorothy Fudgebottom
Erie, Pennsylvania

Dear Dorothy,

Yes, you may have noticed our inebriated programming here on Festung Europa. Well, it all started this way. We held a conference a while back in Uranium City to determine just how to keep this blog going without actually having to do any work. Mark Kingsley came up with the idea, prevalent in business today, of just outsourcing it to the experts. So that is what we did. And looking at our brain trust of experts available, we could have started a series of articles on used cars, the US Civil War, psychedelic drugs, alcoholic beverages or hard-core pornography. For the moment we chose alcoholic beverages. We may start up more columns featuring the other said subjects if we can get them. So for now, why not relax, grab a beverage featured on either Gonar's Drink of the Month or Aaron Nielsen's Better Know Your Brews, and chill.

Yours,
Defensemaster, Stingray Regime
DMSR

(Camera cuts back to Mark drinking a beer and perusing a Hustler magazine. He quickly sets the magazine aside.)

Well, I was just trying to stay abreast of the latest in our various fields of expertise.

(Rimshot.)

But seriously folks, it's time for another letter, eh. Here's one from a gentle reader out of the northeastern United States.

Dear Defensemaster,

I'm a bit disappointed in your plot and storylines regarding the ongoing adventures of the Stingray Regime. The Deal with God initiative? What the fuck is that supposed to be? Just a way to work out the Xarlon conflict? And what about your death? What the fuck was up with your death and resurrection? It all is highly unbelievable. I'm quite disappointed.

Yours truly,

Charlie Rose

Dear Charlie,

Well, Charlie, I can certainly understand your dismay. But think about some of the most meaningful literature to Christians worldwide. Yes, Charlie, death and resurrection are no stranger to the Superman comic series, with the Man of Steel getting killed by Doomsday in 1992. Hell, even Batman got killed off once. But I see your point. We took the easy way out on some of our plot development. Then again, after a while, you just run out of ideas and have to come up with something, you know. However, we shall take your criticism positively and try our utmost to do better.

Sincerely,
Defensemaster, Stingray Regime
DMSR

Nothing like a bit of cutting next to the bone criticism, eh. Ouch! Well folks, we've got time for one more letter, so here it goes. Ooooh, this one smells nice.

Dear Defensemaster,

I know it's not right, but I've been fantasizing about you. I can't get enough of you or your website. I'm a lonely housewife holed up and snowed in in the Midwest this winter, and my husband is often away at work. I'll peruse to your website and stare at the computer screen, sometimes touching it and imagining my hands are caressing your shiny, silicon-plating, carefully removing your scaly armor. I'll undo your utility belt, reaching my hand down

(Defensemaster comes out and grabs letter from Mark.)

(hissing) That's enough of the show for today, Mark. I'll just take this letter and retire to my quarters.

Mark: Thanks a lot for tuning in, folks! Although it was getting pretty hot with that last missive, we hope that the weather will take a turn in that direction for the next time we get together. Keep those cards and letters to the mailbag coming, at least until spring!

New Moon Niceties: Better Know Your Brews!

2010-01-12T12:54:00.007+01:00

This month’s publication of Better Know Your Brews is highlighting two seasonal beers that are nothing short of exquisite. The American beer featured in this edition is an Imperial Oktoberfest from the Avery Brewery in Boulder, Colorado. High alcohol beers have always interested Adam Avery, brewmaster of the brewery, and The Kaiser is their version of a traditional German Märzen with ABV (alcohol by volume) value of 10.03% this year. As for the recommended international brew, St. Bernardus Christmas Ale is an amazing winter seasonal beer from the Belgian Abbey, St. Bernardus. This Belgian Strong Ale is also high in alcohol at 10% ABV. Unless you’re an expert at binge drinking like yours truly or a professional in getting shit-faced like Chris Meyer, share a bottle of these beers with a buddy and take your time.

- Aaron Nielsen

The Kaiser Imperial Oktoberfest (Oktoberfest/Märzen)
Avery Brewing Company (Boulder, Colorado)

The aforementioned Avery Brewery in Boulder, Colorado, is renowned for its high alcohol beers or as they say, “Small Brewery, Big Beers”. There’s the Holy Trinity which includes two Belgian beers and an American Barleywine all at 9% ABV or higher. The Demons series includes three beers over 15% ABV with this year’s The Beast Grand Cru having an ABV of 16.31%. The Kaiser Imperial Oktoberfest is included in the Dictator series along with The Czar Imperial Stout (to be reviewed next month) and The Maharaja Imperial India Pale Ale. These beers are also all above 10% ABV. Any one of these beers is an incredible experience even if you find that it doesn’t tickle your taste buds.

The Kaiser Imperial Oktoberfest costs around $8.99 for a 22 ounce bottle and can be found in larger liquor stores, particularly in Colorado. The Kaiser advertises itself as taking in all that is good in a traditional Oktoberfest and then intensifying the flavors. Oktoberfest beers are traditionally served in a stein, but I choose to use a pint glass instead to better show the beer’s appearance. The Kaiser has a burnt, copper orange appearance with a small orange-white head. There’s a fairly strong sweet, caramel malt scent to the beer with no hint of the high alcohol content. At first taste, there is a sweet malty, toasted flavor. The caramel taste is somewhat dominate over a more typical German lager flavor. The finish is somewhat dry and bitter. There’s a creamy, carbonated mouthfeel that though the high alcohol content isn’t immediately obvious, does cause a mild burning sensation. Although the beer tastes stronger than the typical Oktoberfest beer, the flavor is so full and delicious that it is hard to notice that the beer is high in alcohol. If you can’t afford to go to the real Oktoberfest and instead only make it to your grandmother’s terrace in rural Iowa, zwei Maß of The Kaiser Imperial Oktoberfest will surely brighten your evening while watching a Lawrence Welk marathon.

Aroma: 11/12 | Appearance: 2/3 | Flavor: 15/20 | Mouthfeel: 4/5 | Overall Impression: 10/10 Total: 42/50 (Excellent)

Aaron’s rating: 8/10

St. Bernardus Christmas Ale (Belgian Strong Ale)
St. Bernard Brouwerij (Watou, Belgium)

Most lists of the world’s best beers include St. Bernardus Abt 12, a Belgian Quadrupel rated in the 100th percentile on RateBeer.com. This beer can be found on tap in the United States at nicer beer bars such as the Cheeky Monk in Denver, Colorado. I also love their Pater 6, an Abbey Dubbel, and Watou Tripel, an Abbey Tripel. In fact, all six beers that I have tasted from St. Bernardus I have rated at 8.0/10.0 or better and St. Bernardus is currently rated my second favorite brewery. It’s hard to say enough about the quality brews from this company.

St. Bernardus Christmas Ale is Strong Belgian Ale brewed for the holiday season with an ABV of 10% ABV. This beer can be a little hard to find unless you have a nice beer store in your vicinity and costs $9.99 for a 750 mL bottle. Like other Belgian beers, this beer is best served in a tulip glass, which is the path I took for the following rating. The appearance of this beer is a deep brown and pours a thick, cream-colored head. Taking a drive-by, you immediately smell a very complex aroma in addition to a strong alcohol characteristic. This aroma isn’t all that different from what you would expect from a Belgian Ale, notably an Abbey Dubbel. There’s a sweet candy flavor like brown sugar to the beer much like again an Abbey Dubbel. This beer is spiced more strongly than typical Belgian ales. Cinnamon is notably present along with a generous amount of orange peel and coriander. These spices are really what makes this beer special for the holidays. These flavors make this beer a great compliment to gingerbread cookies or other holiday sweets. It is, in fact, a bit piquant. In your mouth, this ale has a smooth, almost tingly feel with the high alcohol content being obvious but not overbearing.

Aroma: 10/12 | Appearance: 3/3 | Flavor: 19/20 | Mouthfeel: 5/5 | Overall Impression: 10/10 Total: 47/50 (Outstanding)

Aaron’s rating: 9/10

A Blue Moon Festival: Gonar's Drink of the Month!

2009-12-31T19:01:00.006+01:00

Gentle Drinker,

It’s a Drink of the Month Blue Moon Double Header! As per DOM tradition here at Festung Europa, Drink of the Month is released every full moon. As per DOM tradition, there are two drinks for the column which takes place on a blue moon, although this only happens once every two-and-a-half years or so, or once in a blue moon if I may. While it may tempt some to dedicate this month’s column to the Hefeweizen eponymous to this lunar phenomenon, keep in mind that it is also New Year’s Eve, and with only a few hours left in the decade I prefer to call The Noughties, we must raise a toast with a glass of champagne.

Now many self-described know-it-alls will be happy to tell me that real champagne only comes from the Champagne region of France, and it is not just any sparkling wine made with the champagne method. And I suppose they have all their cheddar cheese imported from the Cheddar valley in England instead of the great state of Wisconsin? And they have their hamburgers imported from Hamburg, Germany, instead of cooking them up right in their own backyard? Unlikely. I believe I have made my point.

Now my champagne of preference, after that champagne of beers Miller High Life, is from a California vineyard called Toad Hollow. This vineyard was founded by Todd Williams, brother of Robin “Mork” Williams, who used to call Todd “Toad” when they were kids. It stuck, hence the name Toad Hollow. They do make a lovely Chardonnay called Amplexus, which is the scientific word for the positions frogs and toads assume when mating. But I digress…the champagne that Toad Hollow makes is a lovely “sparkling wine” called Risque, and the label features a dancing toad in traditional French attire. It has a semi-dry taste, much more drinkable than a Brut and not at all too sweet like an Asti Spumante. In fact, it’s quite delicious. A neat feature is the flip-top instead of a cork, which makes it easy to save half a bottle for mimosas the next morning. It also makes the bottle a very handy re-use item which might come in handy someday, so hang onto it.

And the second Drink of the Month? Irish Cream! Let’s face it, it’s winter and nothing keeps a person warmer than several thousand calories and a layer of winter fat. Squirrels do it, bears do it, and we can do it to! The advantage we have over them is that we can be civilized and do it with Irish Cream instead of acorns because we have grocery stores and blenders. Of course you can simply go buy your own bottle such as Bailey’s Irish Cream, or the much more affordable and nearly as good Cask & Cream, or my personal favorite Amarula with its own citrusy overtone. But to really get the Irish Cream experience it is fun to make your own, and here’s how.

Get out your blender. Open a small can of condensed milk and pour it in. Add an equal part (same can) of half-and-half. Add ¾ to one can Irish whiskey. Toss in a couple eggs, and don’t forget to remove the shells first. This should mostly fill the blender. Now here ‘s the fun part – flavoring it. You can add vanilla (half a teaspoon) or maybe a couple teaspoons of chocolate syrup, or caramel syrup, or even a shot of espresso. This is where it is up to you. Get some confectionary syrups like you use for coffee and try hazelnut, or even orange! Blend it up good, real good, and then pour it into a glass and drink it. Say “Oooo, that’s good.” Drink a lot of it, and pour the leftover into that empty Risque bottle I told you to save because it might come in handy for something, and put it in the fridge. It should keep for four to six weeks but it tends to disappear faster than that.

Happy New Year, and I will see you in January!

Gonar

A Holiday Tradition

2009-12-17T21:18:00.004+01:00

Some folks have "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas", others "A Charlie Brown Christmas" or "Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer". I prefer Kriegsweihnacht 1942.

Yes, gentle reader, this is a bit recycled, but aren't all traditions? For my translation of the German text, see the original post here.

Better Know Your Brews!

2009-12-16T20:48:00.013+01:00

Gentle imbiber,

If there is anything I know how to do, it is drink.

But like most subjects, there is always more knowledge to be gained, more experiences to enjoy, and so what better way to broaden your mind than to learn some new ways to blast away a few brain cells? But what new beer should you try? There are many, many more choices available to the discriminating drinker today, especially in the New World, where choice used to mean Bud, Miller or Coors. To help you navigate your way around your local beer seller or bar, we have something to assist you. Better Know Your Brews, a new moon, new monthly series exclusive to Festung Europa, offers a fresh look at the world of beer tasting and rating without the snobbish attitude of many contemporary beer raters. Readers interested in getting their beer ratings from a modern beer snob are recommended to check out ratings at ratebeer.com or beeradvocate.com. These sites provide some great information about beers, but the ratings for beers tend to be very predictable. We think you'll agree, dear reader, that Better Know Your Brews is as smooth as dark Irish stout on a cold winter's eve, as refreshing as a Weißbier on a hot summer afternoon, and as cozy as busty babe in a cashmere sweater. Our reviewer, Aaron Nielsen, is an up and comer in the beer rating world with one journalist calling him the next “Michael Jackson” of beer rating. Cheers!

-CRM

To kick off the new monthly series, two very special beers were selected: one from the Rogue Ales residing in Newport, Oregon and the other brewed at Les Brasseurs de Gayant in Douai, France. Without further ado, I would like to present one of America’s finest examples of a nut brown ale.

- Aaron Nielsen

Rogue Hazelnut Brown Nectar (Brown Ale)

Rogue Ales (Newport, Oregon)

Though Rogue Ales brews its beer out of Newport, Oregon, several Rogue Ale brewpubs are located around the Pacific Northwest. At these brewpubs, a very large number of beers can be tasted fresh off the tap. With my fellow beer rating brother, Justin Nielsen, I visited the Rogue Ales brewpub in downtown Portland and rated fifteen different beers brewed by Rogue! With such a selection of styles and beers, it goes without saying there are winners (i.e. Hazelnut Brown Nectar) and some losers (Somer Orange Honey Ale). That being said, Rogue brewpubs are great places to try a number of distinct beer styles. Rogue’s Hazelnut Brown Nectar is a fine example of a Brown Ale brewed in conjunction with a nut flavor. Another tasty example of a nut brown beer is Tommyknocker’s Maple Nut Brown. Rogue Hazelnut Brown Nectar is a 6-time World Beer Championship gold medal winner.

Rogue Hazelnut Brown Nectar can be bought in a 22oz (650 mL) bottle for $6.99 at larger liquor stores and advertises itself as a nutty twist on a traditional European brown ale. Without a doubt, the hazelnut presence is the most obvious characteristic of the aroma and the flavor. Hazelnut extract is used in place of actual hazelnuts. The beer’s appearance is dark brown with a cream colored head. One sniff of the beer will be dominated by a strong hazelnut scent with some slight chocolate and coffee notes. Besides the dominant nutty taste, a caramelized malty flavor is the next most apparent taste characteristic. Also, there’s a milky, smooth taste to the beer that makes it an easy beer to drink. At 6.2% ABV (alcohol by volume), it is a little high for the style, but does not have a strong alcohol taste. This full-body beer can enjoyed with a dessert or anytime during the winter.

Aroma: 10/12 | Appearance: 3/3 | Flavor: 18/20 | Mouthfeel: 3/5 | Overall Impression: 10/10

Total: 44/50 (Excellent)

Aaron’s rating: 9/10

La Goudale (Bière de Garde)

Les Brasseurs de Gayant (Douai, France)

Though France may be world renowned for its fine wines, northern France produces some fine Belgian-style beers. Northern France is home to the beer style, Bière de Garde. Traditionally, the beer wort is placed in an open container at the top of a barn. Doors or windows to the barn would be left open for wild yeast to enter the building and interact with the beer wort. Today, the wild yeast responsible for fermenting Bière de Gardes has been identified and can be introduced into the brewing process without leaving the wort open to the elements. The Belgian cousin of a Bière de Garde is the Saison which is typically more spicy and has more sour notes. Les Brasseurs de Gayant produces a number of fine Belgian-style and French-style beers including La Goudale, one of the best examples of a Bière de Garde.

A 750 mL bottle of La Goudale runs about $9.99 and can be found in larger liquor stores. La Goudale is 7.8% ABV meaning that drinking a bottle solo will give most people a huge buzz. Though it is recommended for the beer to be server in a Tulip glass, I chose to drink this beer in a Trappist glass. At first appearance, La Goudale has a slightly hazy golden orange look with a small head. Taking a quick whiff of the beer is great for getting your first idea of the complexity: sweet, a bit spicy, and almost no hint of hops. On an initial sip of La Goudale, a strong, but not overwhelming, flavor of alcohol is tasted on the tip of the tongue. Swish the beer a bit around your mouth and you will experience a sweet, quite malty beer. The flavor is very reminiscent of other Belgian-style beers with slightly yeasty and fruity hints. The beer is incredibly smooth to drink considering the higher alcohol content, though the dry characteristics are evident at the back of your throat. Full of taste and high in alcohol, La Goudale is a great bottle of beer to either kick off a long night of boozing or equally suited for sipping with your significant other as an alternative to wine.

Aroma: 11/12 | Appearance: 2/3 | Flavor: 17/20 | Mouthfeel: 4/5 | Overall Impression: 10/10

Total: 44/50 (Excellent)

Aaron’s rating: 9/10

Odin's Sacrifice

2009-12-14T15:03:00.005+01:00

From The New Book Of Runes by Ralph Blum

Gonar's Drink of the Month

2009-12-03T11:48:00.004+01:00

Gentle Drinker,

It is one of the greatest pleasures to be at a party and pull out a large bottle of beer, only to see the eyes of another guest light up with glee. Such was the experience I had a week ago at the season's first Christmas party. And the culprit? The 50 ounce bottle of Anchor Brewing Christmas Beer, and this month's Drink of the Month!

Anchor Brewing, based out of San Francisco, brews a different Christmas beer every year. So, this year's beer is different from last year's and will be different from next year's. There's something kind of cool about that...in a month I will never be able to have this beer again, so I darn well better enjoy it now! As is Drink of the Month tradition, I am drinking one right now as I write this (it also comes in 12 ounce six-packs) and sitting by the fire with my wife. This is a beer that she likes, too, even though she does not like dark beer, which is nice because then I can use it to get her drunk and you know what that means. The flavor is complex, with a layer of roasted hoppiness on top of a layer of sweet caramel, with a subtle, deep layer of warm spice. This is a beer that is unique in flavor as well as unique to the 2009 Christmas season, but not so esoteric that you can't find it anywhere. So go out and fetch yourself a quart-and-a-half bottle and take it home to the family! This beer is complex with many layers, not unlike a Christmas family reunion. Which reminds me, there is another factor that makes the Anchor Brewing Christmas Beer an appealing accompaniment to your holiday family get-together...the BFF.

The Bar Fight Factor, or BFF, should be considered in any responsible beer review. The Bar Fight Factor is a scale of 1 to 10 in which a beer bottle is rated according to its handiness in a barroom brawl. And the 50 ounce Anchor magnum rates at least a nine and a half; the ample neck provides a good grip, while the thick glass walls create a full-bodied finish which pairs nicely with whatever you wish to dish out! So watch out, Uncle Bill, because the boys are packin' Anchor magnums this year!

Enjoy, and I'll see you when the moon is full again on New Year's Eve!

Gonar

A Special Word from Mark Kingsley

2009-11-10T10:04:00.005+01:00

Hi ya, folks, Mark Kingsley here. I wanted to just let you know that due to objections from certain quarters about the content of our last bit, Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend, we have, sort of like Stalin, erased history and retroactively altered the show using Mr. Hologram™ technology. We are consulting with our lawyers to see if we'll continue with the show or not. Sorry for the confusion, eh!

Warm and friendly,

Mark

Tanz mit Laibach!

2009-11-09T22:57:00.004+01:00

Gentle Dancer,

Get your groove on and "Tanz mit Laibach", celebrating the 20th anniversary of the Fall of the Wall.

CRM

Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend: Chuck's First Pick

2009-11-09T19:11:00.006+01:00

(Electronic theme music)

Chuck: A NA NANANAAAAAAANANANA

STATIC

Mark: We're back with this week's contestant, Chuck E. Cheese.

(Applause)

So Chuck, how have you been?

Chuck: WELL KINDA BORED LATELY....GLAD TO SEE YOU HAVE STRUCK UP A FRIENDSHIP WITH MY OLD FRIEND FROM MONTANA

Mark: Well, we Canadians stick together.

(laughter)

Chuck: EH

(laughter)

Mark: You picked Ames as your category, eh. Care to let us in on why?

Chuck: WELL I NEED SOME MASTURBATORY FODDER, YA KNOW....AGAIN, BOREDOM.

Mark: And who doesn't?

(Audience laughter)

Of course, we're talking some potential MILF-a-licious targets here.

Chuck: POTENTIALLY

Mark: How many years did you spend in Ames all told?

Chuck: 5

WHICH WAS PLENTY

AAAHHHHHHHGGGG

Mark: Just a moment...

(Fade to dream sequence.)

Chuck: OKAY...AND NOW A NUMBER

YA KNOW A MUSICAL NUMBER

COME ON IT'S IN YER BLOOD BOY!!!???

I WILL NOW ATTEMPT TO ENTERTAIN YOU IN MY OWN IMEMEMETIBLE WAY.

ALRIGHT BUD, I AM A REASONABLE MAN. I MEAN, GOODNESS KNOWS I HAVE HELD UP TO MY CONTRACT OBLIGATIONS. YES. I VE DONE THAT. AND ITS NOT AS IF I DONT CARE ABOUT MY CRAFT....GOODNESS NO. WHAT??? SUDDENLY I JUST DONT FEEL LIKE MYSELF

HEEYYY NOW CUT THAT OUT.

WHAT A WAY TA RUNNA RAILROAD

OH BOY IM A BUZZBOY

UH OH TIME TO HIT THE OLE SILK

A MAROON.....HEEEEYYYYY OVER HERE

HOW BOUT A CLOSE UP

YA KNOW A CLOSE UP

THIS IS A CLOSE UP????

A CLOSE UP YA JERK!!!!!!!!!

Mark: Sorry about those technical difficulties, folks!

(Audience laughter)

So 5 years, eh?

1986-1991

Chuck: THANKS FER THE CARTOON TO TIDE ME OVER

Mark: How much damage could you do in that time, Chuck?

Chuck: WELL SHORT OF A MUSHROOM CLOUD OVER AMES, I THINK I DID IT ALL. OR THEM ALL??

(Audience laughter)

Mark: Are there any special ones you'd like to stalk today?

Chuck: FOR MY FIRST PICK, I'D GO FOR SHARLA MCCALISTER.

Mark: OK, then, Chuck. Here we go!

(Electronic music)

So tell us a little about Target Number 1, Sharla McAlister.

Chuck: WELL SHARLA WAS KIND OF AN HEIRESS OF THE SMALL FORTUNE KIND

Mark: How small are we talking, Chuck?

(laughter)

Chuck: LOTS OF TENSION FOR YEARS UNTIL FINALLY ONE NIGHT AFTER ONE OF MY MANY COMEBACKS. WE WENT UPSTAIRS AND THINGS HAPPENED. SHE HAD THE BEST PUSSY I HAVE EVER SEEN, TASTED, OR FELT

(Audience gasps)

Mark (looks askew): And you've seen, tasted or felt quite a few, eh?

Chuck: OH A FEW

(rimshot)

Mark: Well, that is something that should be perhaps tested to see if it ages like a fine bottle of wine.

Chuck: I DOUBT IT.

(Audience laughter)

YA NEVER KNOW

Mark (snickering): True, very true.

Chuck: HER DAD HAD PROBABLY 3 TO 5 MILLION BUCKS AND A THRIVING BUSINESS.

Mark: OK, Sharla McAlister. Do you have any other information other than her vaginal hygiene that our Internet researchers can go on?

(Audience laughter)

Chuck: I WAS TOO FUCKED UP AT THE TIME TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT, ANYWAY.

Mark: Anything like what?

Chuck: LIKE HOOK UP AND GET INTO A BUSINESS, YOU KNOW.

Mark: I see.

Just how fucked up were you?

(Audience laughter)

Chuck: SHE IS TALL... NEVER LIKED HER HAIRSTYLES OR REALLY HER FACE BUT SHE HAD A SSSSMMMMMOKIN' BODY.

Mark: OK, so we have:

Name: Sharla McAlister

or is it with 2 els: McAllister?

Chuck: I THINK TWO

Mark: Vaginal hygiene: outstanding

(laughter)

Rich father

owned a business.

She was tall.

Oh, this should be easy.

(Audience laughter)

How about a hometown, Chuck? Do you remember where she was from originally?

Chuck: UP NORTH SOMEWHERE

(more laughter)

Mark: Man, that really nails it.

Chuck: HAHAHA

Mark: North of Iowa.

Chuck: NO IN IOWA

Mark: Northern Iowa.

Do you know what year she may have graduated?

From high school or college?

Chuck: MAYBE ELDORA OR SOME BULLSHIT

Mark: Some bullshit, Iowa. I've been there!

(Audience laughter)

Chuck: HIGH SCHOOL PROBABLY 86 COLLEGE. ISU 1990

OR SO

Mark: So she did graduate from Iowa State?

She didn't have to run away in shame?

Chuck: I THINK SO WE ONLY HAMMERED OBNCE

(Audience laughter)

Mark: Are you Anby now?

(laughter)

Or is that the new Ebonics?

Chuck: HAHAHA

(Audience laughter).

Mark: OK, do you think that is enough to bag this game, Chuck?

Chuck: I DONT KNOW. WHAT HAPPENS???

Mark: Well, now we leave it up to the world.

(lights dim)

(Electronic music)

That's right, folks. YOU out in Internet land have the chance to make Chuck's dreams, or nightmares, come true!

Find Sharla McAllister and bag her for Chuck, eh! Please leave the connection comments with your contact information in the comments section of Festung Europa. Chuck, of course, gets to make the final call whether to stalk or spare. Good luck and Happy Hunting!

We'll be right back with Chuck's Chick Number 2 after these messages!

It's Time to Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend!

2009-11-09T18:16:00.007+01:00

(Creepy electronic theme music, 70's game show set with colored spotlights dancing around...)

Announcer: It's that time again, ladies and gentlemen. Time to play that tried and true classic Internet game, "Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend", with your host, Canada's favorite swinger, Mark Kingsley!

(Mark comes out from behind the curtain, waves to the applauding audience, takes his place behind the lectern.)

Mark: Thanks, thanks a lot, eh!

(Applause dies down.)

Mark: Thanks. Yes, folks, it's that time again. Time to:

Audience, yelling: Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend!

(laughter)

And who's our contestant this week, Dick?

Announcer: You might just say that, Mark!

(laughter)

Announcer: This week's contestant is none other than GBCN's own Iowa correspondent and Man About Town, Chuck E. Cheese! Chuck, come on out to:

Audience, yelling: Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend!

(Chuck comes out from behind curtain, and takes his place behind the lectern opposite Mark's.)

(Applause.)

Mark: Chuck, great to see you again.

Chuck: THANKS, MARK.

Mark: I think it has been a while since you last made the jaunt up to Uranium City, eh?

Chuck: YEAH, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. BUT THEN AGAIN, IT'S COLD AS SHIT UP HERE.

(Laughter.)

Mark: We're just glad you could bring a bit of Iowa warmth with you.

(Audience chuckles.)

Mark: So, Chuck, are you ready to "Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend"?

(Audience laughter)

Chuck: WHO NOW???

(More audience laughter)

Chuck: AMERICAN??

Mark: American, Canadian, German, French, Black African, the world IS your oyster, Chuck.

(laughter)

Mark: Well, Chuck, as you may know, in this game, you get to pick the target of your stalking, eh.

Just like hunting.

(laughter)

And here's our lovely assistant, Bonita, with the categories.

(Scantily-clad latin woman displays the categories on the big board to electronic music as Mark reads them off...)

Elk Horn

Ames

Germany

The Air Force

Des Moines

Mark: Which category would you like to pick today, Chuck?

Chuck: GERMANY...

(hurriedly)

OR AMES

(Audience chuckles)

DO YOU HAVE ANYONE IN MIND, MARK???

Mark (laughing): OK. Now here's how we play the game, in case you don't remember. You give me the name of the girl to stalk, eh, and our panel of stalkers see if they can find her using Facebook, Google, whatever Internet resources we have at hand. If we find her, you get to make the call, with a little help from our audience, to stalk or spare.

But remember, for every correctly stalked chick, you have the chance at fabulous prizes. Tell him what he can win, Dick...

Announcer: That's right, Mark. Chuck, we are prepared to send you and your stalked prey to the cheap Midwestern motel of your choice for a weekend of splecious lungeur.

You'll be treated to the "honeymoon" suite, including the special heart-shaped bathtub, cheap sparkling wine, breakfast buffet and assorted condom-ents display.

We'll even provide you with a stand-by taxi service should you need to make a quick get-a-way.

(laughter)

Mark: So what will it be, Chuck. Germany or Ames?

(Audience cries of Ames, Germany, Puerto Rico, Zimbabwe, etc.)

Chuck: AMES

Mark: OK, Ames it is.

(Pictures of Iowa State, Campanile, Adelante Fraternity, strip bars, etc. flash on the big screen.)

Mark: Chuck, how long were you in Ames in the late 1980's?

(Chuck stares dumbfounded into the camera.)

Chuck's memory seems to be a bit faulty about this period in his life, folks.

(audience laughter)

So let's take an important commercial break and come right back to him in a moment.

(Theme music)

(Colored spotlights dance around the set)

(Commercial)

Just when you thought it was safe to turn on your TV set....

He's back!

Anby, you stupib bouchebag!

Go fonble yourself, you bickweeb!

Yes, it's Anby once again in

Bweebs!

Watch as Anby and his frienbs tackle such high school subjects as

Briver's Eb

Banb

Stuby Hall

Eat shit anb bie, Anby!

Brama Club

This isn't about Inbians, Anby!

All featuring Anby....

They wanted to call him "Andy", but they didn't have a "d" in their alphabet.

Rateb B for Bouchebag!

Gonar's Drink of the Month

2009-11-05T09:30:00.010+01:00

Gentle Drinker,

As was predicted in last month's column, the final chapter of a Minneapolis music legend has been written, and the Uptown Bar closed it's doors for the last time on Sunday night. I was there for the last call, and while I would like to try and explain the whole experience, you just had to be there. That night was easily the most fun night in a bar I have ever had in my life.

And now it's November, and the moon is already on the wane. November is a month of harvest, a time to bring in the apples and potatoes, the corn and the beans, to twist the head off a turkey and roast it up real good with a nice dry riesling. But the dry riesling is not our topic today (although I will refer you to Pacific Rim Dry Riesling for Thanksgiving Day, at least that's what I'll be drinking). No, our drink this month incorporates the flavor of those wonderful apples with the lovely intoxicating effects of vodka. Say hello to the Appletini!

I will admit that the appletini is a bit outside of the style of drink I usually cover. Too trendy and girly, you might say. Trendy, oh yes, it certainly was trendy a couple summers ago, but be brave and look past that and you may find that this drink still has meritous qualities. And girly, yes, even by the androgenous standards of Gonar, but perhaps that is the point.

It can be made many ways, but the main idea is to take some appley stuff like apple cider or an Appletini product like Apple Pucker, and mix it with an equal part vodka, which always goes well with anything fruity. Add a splash of sour mix and shake it up in a martini shaker, pour it into a martini glass, drink and repeat. You can play with the sweetness of it by substituting 7-UP or ginger ale for the sour mix.

A relatively modern drink, the appletini was probably created sometime in the seventies. And what did people like to do in the seventies, besides disco dancing and combing their hair? That's right, they liked to screw. And that's where the appletini comes in. Gentlemen, if you want to get the intimate attention of that special apple in your orchard, serve up a batch of these
things and let me tell you, the Appletini is a guaranteed panty-dropper. The first one has a little bit of a sour taste to it, the second not so much, and after that they go down her throat as easily as pouring them down the drain.

So baby, here we go...

In a cocktail shaker, mix
1 shot vodka
1/2 shot sour mix OR 7-UP
and
1 shot Apple Pucker OR 1 shot quality apple cider

Pour it into a martini glass and let the fun begin!

Stay warm. See you in December.

Gonar

Festung Europa's Girl of the Moment

2009-10-15T13:06:00.006+02:00

Gentle reader,

Many of you have requested a return to the old Festung Europa Girl of the Week feature. It may be difficult, however, to come up with the necessary 52 ladies per annum that such a feature requires. I wasn't able to do it previously, and that was with the generous help of a talent scout, so to speak, from the Northern Colorado area. This former scout has now gotten real employment and a real girlfriend, which are two definite limitations when it comes to being able to find new ladies for this column. So with that in mind, I am going to revive this feature as a Girl of the Moment, presenting you with a bit of T&A in the here and now. What else really is there but the present anyway?

At this moment we are featuring none other than my lovely sister-in-law, Julia, who works as a cosmetologist (pseudo-scientific terminology for make-up artist) but thankfully freelances as an underwear model, currently for the local lingerie company, Ann Joy. According to their website, you can contact them for a "Dildo and Dessous" party, which I guess is sort of like Tupperware for even lonelier housewives. I, for one, am going to ring them up straight away and see if I can get one arranged with the neighbor ladies at my place. And as for Julia, I think I'll suggest that she start wearing such niceties to our future family gatherings. Christmas will then be one to remember.

Julia

Gonar's Drink of the Month

2009-10-06T10:22:00.011+02:00

Gentle Drinker,

It's good to see that things are getting back to "normal" at Festung Europa. After the not-so-recent death of the Defensemaster, and subsequent period of what-the-fuck-is-going-on, a return to the lunar clocked task of figuring out what to drink with my dinner is a welcome and long overdue event. So what has old Gonar, Gatekeeper of the Outer Galaxy, been up to? Well, after recovering the charred carcass of the Defensemaster, I turned his head over to the Mystic Master so that his last wish, to have his skull made into a beer stein (with a handy hinge for the cranium flip-top) could be fulfilled. Some silicon bone shavings were kept as a momento, and in my off-world lab it was not long at all before I was able to develop the technology to extract DNA from the fragments, create a living blastocyst and implant it into the womb of a heavily-drugged Xarlon princess whom we captured whilst she was trying to escape the flooded remains of the Metroplex following the "Deal with God" initiative and subsequent fall of the Xarlon Empire. After emerging from her womb (and eating her remains) the new, young Defensemaster spent the next couple years growing into the strong and fearless biped he is today. Added bonus, thanks to a bit of genetic material from my neighbor's pussy, Defensemaster 2.0 keeps himself much cleaner than he did in the old days. Oh, now come on! I meant her cat!

So there's my update. Isn't it lovely to catch up? Now, it's time to hear about this month's Drink of the Month...

The Bloody Mary! What? Why? It's October, shouldn't we be drinking beer out of big glass boots and listening polka music? Perhaps, if things were status quo, but they are not. This month has a dark cloud looming over it...October is the last month the Uptown Bar is open. Yes, I'll say it again. The Uptown is closing. My favorite drinking establishment is slated for demolition, it will close it's doors for good on November 1st, and before the moon is full again the legend will be over. This is the bar where much of the Aquaburg music scene got it's start - Hüsker Dü, The Replacements, Trip Shakespeare, and in a bar where they have run fifteen to twenty bands a week for the last thirty years the list could go on and on and on and on. Not only is the Uptown Bar famous for its spectacular music scene, it also has the best damn cheeseburger anywhere, and it is very well known for its signature drink, the Bloody Mary. Just the right consistency, just the right amount of spice, rimmed with lime juice and celery salt and served alongside a beer chaser, and in an Uptown Bar pint glass you take home (my cupboard is full of them) this is one drink that is very, very tough to beat. If you haven't had a Bloody Mary at the Uptown Bar, do it. Go now. Right now!

The Bloody Mary has a disputed history and honestly, who gives a fuck where it came from. Either way, it's a classic. It is not an easy drink to make, and quite frankly if you want to make your own at home you can do pretty darn good with a mix to which you add vodka and ice. It keeps things simple and they do pretty well. I like Mr. and Mrs. T's Spicy Mix, myself. I pity the fool who doesn't like this mix! And feeling compelled to be somewhat of a purist for the sake of this column, I am drinking one I made from scratch as a I write this. It took some research to get it right, and while researching drinks is usually a pretty good time, researching the Bloody Mary was different. They are either really good, or really bad. There's very little middle ground. One piece of advice when you are looking over a new Bloody Mary recipe; go long on the lemon juice and the celery salt. If the recipe calls for "a dash" of lemon juice, don't bother. Also, it's hard to understate the importance of the celery salt. These ground-up celery seeds mixed with salt may seem trivial, but believe me they're not. Finally, one cannot have a discussion of the Bloody Mary without talking about the garnish. Usually a simple celery stick will do, but why not add more food groups and make it a meal? Cocktail shrimp are great on the edge of the glass, and a cheese stick would not be out of place. You can add a skewer with olives, cherry tomatoes, even grapes. At the Uptown they put a pickle quarter in it. Do be cautious about putting too much shit in the glass as some people do go overboard with this, and it is a drink after all. Two items are ample. You could play with bases, too. A gazpacho soup in lieu of the tomato juice would be interesting. With a little experimentation and creativity a person could make a delicious Bloody Mary that would make any lunchroom lady dietician beam with pride.

Here is the recipe that I like:

Fill a cocktail shaker about half full of ice, and add: a 6 ounce can of tomato juice 3 shots of vodka 2 shot of lemon juice 1 tsp of worcestershire (wer-stir-sure) sauce six dashes of tabasco sauce 1/2 tsp of celery salt

Shake well, and pour it all into a tall glass with about six ice cubes in it. Serve it with garnish and DON'T FORGET A BEER CHASER!

The beer chaser is another important part of this complex drink.

Enjoy, my friends, enjoy. Stay warm and cozy as fall spreads its shady wings of night over us, and if you need a place to warm up with a cold drink and a hot band, head to the Uptown. Maybe I'll see you there.

Gonar