It's Time to Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend!
(Creepy electronic theme music, 70's game show set with colored spotlights dancing around...)
Announcer: It's that time again, ladies and gentlemen. Time to play that tried and true classic Internet game, "Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend", with your host, Canada's favorite swinger, Mark Kingsley!
(Mark comes out from behind the curtain, waves to the applauding audience, takes his place behind the lectern.)
Mark: Thanks, thanks a lot, eh!
(Applause dies down.)
Mark: Thanks. Yes, folks, it's that time again. Time to:
Audience, yelling: Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend!
(laughter)
And who's our contestant this week, Dick?
Announcer: You might just say that, Mark!
(laughter)
Announcer: This week's contestant is none other than GBCN's own Iowa correspondent and Man About Town, Chuck E. Cheese! Chuck, come on out to:
Audience, yelling: Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend!
(Chuck comes out from behind curtain, and takes his place behind the lectern opposite Mark's.)
(Applause.)
Mark: Chuck, great to see you again.
Chuck: THANKS, MARK.
Mark: I think it has been a while since you last made the jaunt up to Uranium City, eh?
Chuck: YEAH, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. BUT THEN AGAIN, IT'S COLD AS SHIT UP HERE.
(Laughter.)
Mark: We're just glad you could bring a bit of Iowa warmth with you.
(Audience chuckles.)
Mark: So, Chuck, are you ready to "Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend"?
(Audience laughter)
Chuck: WHO NOW???
(More audience laughter)
Chuck: AMERICAN??
Mark: American, Canadian, German, French, Black African, the world IS your oyster, Chuck.
(laughter)
Mark: Well, Chuck, as you may know, in this game, you get to pick the target of your stalking, eh.
Just like hunting.
(laughter)
And here's our lovely assistant, Bonita, with the categories.
(Scantily-clad latin woman displays the categories on the big board to electronic music as Mark reads them off...)
Elk Horn
Ames
Germany
The Air Force
Des Moines
Mark: Which category would you like to pick today, Chuck?
Chuck: GERMANY...
(hurriedly)
OR AMES
(Audience chuckles)
DO YOU HAVE ANYONE IN MIND, MARK???
Mark (laughing): OK. Now here's how we play the game, in case you don't remember. You give me the name of the girl to stalk, eh, and our panel of stalkers see if they can find her using Facebook, Google, whatever Internet resources we have at hand. If we find her, you get to make the call, with a little help from our audience, to stalk or spare.
But remember, for every correctly stalked chick, you have the chance at fabulous prizes. Tell him what he can win, Dick...
Announcer: That's right, Mark. Chuck, we are prepared to send you and your stalked prey to the cheap Midwestern motel of your choice for a weekend of splecious lungeur.
You'll be treated to the "honeymoon" suite, including the special heart-shaped bathtub, cheap sparkling wine, breakfast buffet and assorted condom-ents display.
We'll even provide you with a stand-by taxi service should you need to make a quick get-a-way.
(laughter)
Mark: So what will it be, Chuck. Germany or Ames?
(Audience cries of Ames, Germany, Puerto Rico, Zimbabwe, etc.)
Chuck: AMES
Mark: OK, Ames it is.
(Pictures of Iowa State, Campanile, Adelante Fraternity, strip bars, etc. flash on the big screen.)
Mark: Chuck, how long were you in Ames in the late 1980's?
(Chuck stares dumbfounded into the camera.)
Chuck's memory seems to be a bit faulty about this period in his life, folks.
(audience laughter)
So let's take an important commercial break and come right back to him in a moment.
(Theme music)
(Colored spotlights dance around the set)
(Commercial)
Just when you thought it was safe to turn on your TV set....
He's back!
Anby, you stupib bouchebag!
Go fonble yourself, you bickweeb!
Yes, it's Anby once again in
Bweebs!
Watch as Anby and his frienbs tackle such high school subjects as
Briver's Eb
Banb
Stuby Hall
Eat shit anb bie, Anby!
Brama Club
This isn't about Inbians, Anby!
All featuring Anby....
They wanted to call him "Andy", but they didn't have a "d" in their alphabet.
Rateb B for Bouchebag!
Announcer: It's that time again, ladies and gentlemen. Time to play that tried and true classic Internet game, "Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend", with your host, Canada's favorite swinger, Mark Kingsley!
(Mark comes out from behind the curtain, waves to the applauding audience, takes his place behind the lectern.)
Mark: Thanks, thanks a lot, eh!
(Applause dies down.)
Mark: Thanks. Yes, folks, it's that time again. Time to:
Audience, yelling: Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend!
(laughter)
And who's our contestant this week, Dick?
Announcer: You might just say that, Mark!
(laughter)
Announcer: This week's contestant is none other than GBCN's own Iowa correspondent and Man About Town, Chuck E. Cheese! Chuck, come on out to:
Audience, yelling: Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend!
(Chuck comes out from behind curtain, and takes his place behind the lectern opposite Mark's.)
(Applause.)
Mark: Chuck, great to see you again.
Chuck: THANKS, MARK.
Mark: I think it has been a while since you last made the jaunt up to Uranium City, eh?
Chuck: YEAH, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. BUT THEN AGAIN, IT'S COLD AS SHIT UP HERE.
(Laughter.)
Mark: We're just glad you could bring a bit of Iowa warmth with you.
(Audience chuckles.)
Mark: So, Chuck, are you ready to "Stalk the Ex-Girlfriend"?
(Audience laughter)
Chuck: WHO NOW???
(More audience laughter)
Chuck: AMERICAN??
Mark: American, Canadian, German, French, Black African, the world IS your oyster, Chuck.
(laughter)
Mark: Well, Chuck, as you may know, in this game, you get to pick the target of your stalking, eh.
Just like hunting.
(laughter)
And here's our lovely assistant, Bonita, with the categories.
(Scantily-clad latin woman displays the categories on the big board to electronic music as Mark reads them off...)
Elk Horn
Ames
Germany
The Air Force
Des Moines
Mark: Which category would you like to pick today, Chuck?
Chuck: GERMANY...
(hurriedly)
OR AMES
(Audience chuckles)
DO YOU HAVE ANYONE IN MIND, MARK???
Mark (laughing): OK. Now here's how we play the game, in case you don't remember. You give me the name of the girl to stalk, eh, and our panel of stalkers see if they can find her using Facebook, Google, whatever Internet resources we have at hand. If we find her, you get to make the call, with a little help from our audience, to stalk or spare.
But remember, for every correctly stalked chick, you have the chance at fabulous prizes. Tell him what he can win, Dick...
Announcer: That's right, Mark. Chuck, we are prepared to send you and your stalked prey to the cheap Midwestern motel of your choice for a weekend of splecious lungeur.
You'll be treated to the "honeymoon" suite, including the special heart-shaped bathtub, cheap sparkling wine, breakfast buffet and assorted condom-ents display.
We'll even provide you with a stand-by taxi service should you need to make a quick get-a-way.
(laughter)
Mark: So what will it be, Chuck. Germany or Ames?
(Audience cries of Ames, Germany, Puerto Rico, Zimbabwe, etc.)
Chuck: AMES
Mark: OK, Ames it is.
(Pictures of Iowa State, Campanile, Adelante Fraternity, strip bars, etc. flash on the big screen.)
Mark: Chuck, how long were you in Ames in the late 1980's?
(Chuck stares dumbfounded into the camera.)
Chuck's memory seems to be a bit faulty about this period in his life, folks.
(audience laughter)
So let's take an important commercial break and come right back to him in a moment.
(Theme music)
(Colored spotlights dance around the set)
(Commercial)
Just when you thought it was safe to turn on your TV set....
He's back!
Anby, you stupib bouchebag!
Go fonble yourself, you bickweeb!
Yes, it's Anby once again in
Bweebs!
Watch as Anby and his frienbs tackle such high school subjects as
Briver's Eb
Banb
Stuby Hall
Eat shit anb bie, Anby!
Brama Club
This isn't about Inbians, Anby!
All featuring Anby....
They wanted to call him "Andy", but they didn't have a "d" in their alphabet.
Rateb B for Bouchebag!
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