Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag
Hi ya, folks, it is I, Mark Kingsley, coming to you direct from the GBCN world centre in Uranium City, Saskatchewan. Since we haven't chatted in some time, let me first begin by wishing all those viewers in the fifty-six nations of the free world a happy twenty-ten! Better late than never, I always say. I know, it's been a while, eh, but we hope to be as regular as Metamucil in the coming months.
Folks, we're literally freezing our asses off here in the Great White North. We're looking at minus 35 centigrade tomorrow morning, which is darn close to that point where Celsius and Fahrenheit come together at minus 40 degrees, which translates to, well, um just a moment. Wanda, can you come over please?
(Iguana Wanda enters from stage right, wearing a Wagnerian breastplate and horned helmet. Mark proceeds to feel her up.)
*Slap!*
(Iguana Wanda exits stage right.)
Yes, folks, it IS as cold as a witch's tit in a brass bra! I would have tried to find a well digger to find out how cold his ass is, but well digging is well-nigh impossible here until May, eh!
Your cards and letters have been piling up in the long time since we last went through them, except of course for those we've been using as tinder for the fire. And we'll get right to what's left of them, eh, right after a word from our sponsor.
(dark, misty view of a Scottish lake, water ripples, Jaws theme music)
Just when you thought it was safe to put away your football paraphernalia...
(water ripples, dark beast with hawk's head emerges)
It's back.
The Hawk Ness Monster.
(beast lets out a blood-curdling howl)
Relishing it's 2010 Orange Bowl victory and ready for more!
Relive the moments of the 2009 season by picking up your Hawk Ness Monster T-shirt or hat today, only available at Lynn Nelson's Hawk Ness Monster website!
Lynn's voiceover: Not affiliated with the University of Iowa in any way. Lawyers stay away! That's it, go away! We're a tiny operation in Astatula, Florida selling shirts about mutant hawk monsters living in the depth of Loch Ness, Scotland. Move along. These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Hawk Ness Monster! For the fan of it.
(Cut back to Mark, shivering around the pot-bellied stove.)
We're back with the Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag, folks. As I mentioned, earlier, we've been using your cards and letters to keep our asses warm here in Uranium City, but that doesn't mean we've run out of your input, eh.
(Reaches down and pulls out letter in a pile on the floor.)
Here, this looks like an interesting start to today's show. Let's take a look.
(Rips open letter.)
Dear Defensemaster,
I've been a loyal and even gentle reader of Festung Europa for some time. I used to enjoy the variety of entertainment you offered, but now it only seems to be reviews of alcoholic beverages. What gives?
Sincerely,
Dorothy Fudgebottom
Erie, Pennsylvania
Dear Dorothy,
Yes, you may have noticed our inebriated programming here on Festung Europa. Well, it all started this way. We held a conference a while back in Uranium City to determine just how to keep this blog going without actually having to do any work. Mark Kingsley came up with the idea, prevalent in business today, of just outsourcing it to the experts. So that is what we did. And looking at our brain trust of experts available, we could have started a series of articles on used cars, the US Civil War, psychedelic drugs, alcoholic beverages or hard-core pornography. For the moment we chose alcoholic beverages. We may start up more columns featuring the other said subjects if we can get them. So for now, why not relax, grab a beverage featured on either Gonar's Drink of the Month or Aaron Nielsen's Better Know Your Brews, and chill.
Yours,
Defensemaster, Stingray Regime
DMSR
(Camera cuts back to Mark drinking a beer and perusing a Hustler magazine. He quickly sets the magazine aside.)
Well, I was just trying to stay abreast of the latest in our various fields of expertise.
(Rimshot.)
But seriously folks, it's time for another letter, eh. Here's one from a gentle reader out of the northeastern United States.
Dear Defensemaster,
I'm a bit disappointed in your plot and storylines regarding the ongoing adventures of the Stingray Regime. The Deal with God initiative? What the fuck is that supposed to be? Just a way to work out the Xarlon conflict? And what about your death? What the fuck was up with your death and resurrection? It all is highly unbelievable. I'm quite disappointed.
Yours truly,
Charlie Rose
Dear Charlie,
Well, Charlie, I can certainly understand your dismay. But think about some of the most meaningful literature to Christians worldwide. Yes, Charlie, death and resurrection are no stranger to the Superman comic series, with the Man of Steel getting killed by Doomsday in 1992. Hell, even Batman got killed off once. But I see your point. We took the easy way out on some of our plot development. Then again, after a while, you just run out of ideas and have to come up with something, you know. However, we shall take your criticism positively and try our utmost to do better.
Sincerely,
Defensemaster, Stingray Regime
DMSR
Nothing like a bit of cutting next to the bone criticism, eh. Ouch! Well folks, we've got time for one more letter, so here it goes. Ooooh, this one smells nice.
Dear Defensemaster,
I know it's not right, but I've been fantasizing about you. I can't get enough of you or your website. I'm a lonely housewife holed up and snowed in in the Midwest this winter, and my husband is often away at work. I'll peruse to your website and stare at the computer screen, sometimes touching it and imagining my hands are caressing your shiny, silicon-plating, carefully removing your scaly armor. I'll undo your utility belt, reaching my hand down
(Defensemaster comes out and grabs letter from Mark.)
(hissing) That's enough of the show for today, Mark. I'll just take this letter and retire to my quarters.
Mark: Thanks a lot for tuning in, folks! Although it was getting pretty hot with that last missive, we hope that the weather will take a turn in that direction for the next time we get together. Keep those cards and letters to the mailbag coming, at least until spring!
Folks, we're literally freezing our asses off here in the Great White North. We're looking at minus 35 centigrade tomorrow morning, which is darn close to that point where Celsius and Fahrenheit come together at minus 40 degrees, which translates to, well, um just a moment. Wanda, can you come over please?
(Iguana Wanda enters from stage right, wearing a Wagnerian breastplate and horned helmet. Mark proceeds to feel her up.)
*Slap!*
(Iguana Wanda exits stage right.)
Yes, folks, it IS as cold as a witch's tit in a brass bra! I would have tried to find a well digger to find out how cold his ass is, but well digging is well-nigh impossible here until May, eh!
Your cards and letters have been piling up in the long time since we last went through them, except of course for those we've been using as tinder for the fire. And we'll get right to what's left of them, eh, right after a word from our sponsor.
(dark, misty view of a Scottish lake, water ripples, Jaws theme music)
Just when you thought it was safe to put away your football paraphernalia...
(water ripples, dark beast with hawk's head emerges)
It's back.
The Hawk Ness Monster.
(beast lets out a blood-curdling howl)
Relishing it's 2010 Orange Bowl victory and ready for more!
Relive the moments of the 2009 season by picking up your Hawk Ness Monster T-shirt or hat today, only available at Lynn Nelson's Hawk Ness Monster website!
Lynn's voiceover: Not affiliated with the University of Iowa in any way. Lawyers stay away! That's it, go away! We're a tiny operation in Astatula, Florida selling shirts about mutant hawk monsters living in the depth of Loch Ness, Scotland. Move along. These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Hawk Ness Monster! For the fan of it.
(Cut back to Mark, shivering around the pot-bellied stove.)
We're back with the Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag, folks. As I mentioned, earlier, we've been using your cards and letters to keep our asses warm here in Uranium City, but that doesn't mean we've run out of your input, eh.
(Reaches down and pulls out letter in a pile on the floor.)
Here, this looks like an interesting start to today's show. Let's take a look.
(Rips open letter.)
Dear Defensemaster,
I've been a loyal and even gentle reader of Festung Europa for some time. I used to enjoy the variety of entertainment you offered, but now it only seems to be reviews of alcoholic beverages. What gives?
Sincerely,
Dorothy Fudgebottom
Erie, Pennsylvania
Dear Dorothy,
Yes, you may have noticed our inebriated programming here on Festung Europa. Well, it all started this way. We held a conference a while back in Uranium City to determine just how to keep this blog going without actually having to do any work. Mark Kingsley came up with the idea, prevalent in business today, of just outsourcing it to the experts. So that is what we did. And looking at our brain trust of experts available, we could have started a series of articles on used cars, the US Civil War, psychedelic drugs, alcoholic beverages or hard-core pornography. For the moment we chose alcoholic beverages. We may start up more columns featuring the other said subjects if we can get them. So for now, why not relax, grab a beverage featured on either Gonar's Drink of the Month or Aaron Nielsen's Better Know Your Brews, and chill.
Yours,
Defensemaster, Stingray Regime
DMSR
(Camera cuts back to Mark drinking a beer and perusing a Hustler magazine. He quickly sets the magazine aside.)
Well, I was just trying to stay abreast of the latest in our various fields of expertise.
(Rimshot.)
But seriously folks, it's time for another letter, eh. Here's one from a gentle reader out of the northeastern United States.
Dear Defensemaster,
I'm a bit disappointed in your plot and storylines regarding the ongoing adventures of the Stingray Regime. The Deal with God initiative? What the fuck is that supposed to be? Just a way to work out the Xarlon conflict? And what about your death? What the fuck was up with your death and resurrection? It all is highly unbelievable. I'm quite disappointed.
Yours truly,
Charlie Rose
Dear Charlie,
Well, Charlie, I can certainly understand your dismay. But think about some of the most meaningful literature to Christians worldwide. Yes, Charlie, death and resurrection are no stranger to the Superman comic series, with the Man of Steel getting killed by Doomsday in 1992. Hell, even Batman got killed off once. But I see your point. We took the easy way out on some of our plot development. Then again, after a while, you just run out of ideas and have to come up with something, you know. However, we shall take your criticism positively and try our utmost to do better.
Sincerely,
Defensemaster, Stingray Regime
DMSR
Nothing like a bit of cutting next to the bone criticism, eh. Ouch! Well folks, we've got time for one more letter, so here it goes. Ooooh, this one smells nice.
Dear Defensemaster,
I know it's not right, but I've been fantasizing about you. I can't get enough of you or your website. I'm a lonely housewife holed up and snowed in in the Midwest this winter, and my husband is often away at work. I'll peruse to your website and stare at the computer screen, sometimes touching it and imagining my hands are caressing your shiny, silicon-plating, carefully removing your scaly armor. I'll undo your utility belt, reaching my hand down
(Defensemaster comes out and grabs letter from Mark.)
(hissing) That's enough of the show for today, Mark. I'll just take this letter and retire to my quarters.
Mark: Thanks a lot for tuning in, folks! Although it was getting pretty hot with that last missive, we hope that the weather will take a turn in that direction for the next time we get together. Keep those cards and letters to the mailbag coming, at least until spring!
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