Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag
(frequency whistles)
Why, hello there folks! It is I, Mark Kingsley, once again, eh, after an extremely long absence, broadcasting to you on GBCN shortwave for those few hours daily that aren't disrupted by our beloved northern lights. It is, as that Xarlon corporate loser, "Gott Mitt Uns" Romney recently said, a time of war, and we at the God Bureau Cable Network are clandestinely broadcasting to the remaining 56 nations of the free world on our expedient shortwave facilities, hidden in northern netherreaches of Canada. Ever since the unfortunate demise of the 34th Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime, eh, we have been carrying on the fight to the Xarlon armed forces and corporate infrastructure by any means possible.
The following message goes out to those brave, hardy souls held up in the Xarlon siege of Aquaburg, now in it's 92nd frigid day.
(a sultry, woman's voice)
The Aeroplane Flies High (Turns Left, Looks Right)
All Along the Watchtower
I Can't Get No Satisfaction
(back to Mark)
Don't forget to light a candle for the besieged, folks, to show your solidarity and hope for a thaw.
Now, let's take some time to dip into our overflowing mailbag, eh. A lot of these older letters are addressed directly to the Defensemaster, who obviously is unable to answer. But I shall attempt as much as possible to reply for his deceasedness. Oh, here's an old one from the moist und mulchy rainforests of the Pacific Northwest. It reads:
Dear Defensemaster,
I recently moved back to Oregon for graduate school, and I find it hard to meet interesting men. It seems they are all either way too immature or already taken. Recently, things have gotten like so bad that I've upgraded to a Bushwhacker 3000, gasoline-powered vibrator. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Cramped in Corvallis
Dear Cramped,
Don't despair, eh! There are lots of available guys out there for you. Just make it a point to go out, get liquored up and present yourself to the pack. Perhaps through the law of averages, you'll indeed find someone. And if all else fails, buy some two-cycle oil and some hard core pornography, and have a weed whacking blast!
Here's a missive a bit worse for wear, eh, complete with what looks to be and (sniffing) smells to be stains from malted alcoholic beverages. It comes from one of our readers in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains and reads:
Dear Yggdrasil Staff,
I miss the good old days of Festung Europa! Yggdrasil just doesn't cut it for me. It is fairly flaccid journalism. Even the Girls of the Week are nothing but sentimental cutsiness! Oh, how I long for some good controversy, like the Interesting People on the Fringe columns, or even The Mark Kingsley Show. How about bringing back some cutting edge stuff or not even doing it at all.
Yours truly,
Bored in Boulder
Dear Bored,
Well, we're sorry to have disappointed you, eh. Maybe you should just get back to polishing off some more brewskies, you hoser, and perhaps things will seem better, eh. It always works for me. Meanwhile, stay tuned, as another exciting version of The Mark Kingsley Show, featuring yours truly, is in the works!
Criticism seems to be coming from all corners at us, folks, as I ponder this next letter from the besieged metropolis of Aquaburg:
Dear Yggdrasil,
Bring back Festung Europa! Yggdrasil just isn't the same.
Anxious in Aquaburg
Dear Anxious,
I wish it were that simple, eh. You see, Festung Europa was directly tied to a place which has been pretty much wiped off the map due to a Xarlon attack. You, being under siege by those same forces, should understand this perfectly well. With the 34th Defensemaster dead and his successor leading the defense of your wonderful city, perhaps you should get out there on the front lines and make a difference instead of bitching and moaning, eh. To the front, my friend!
(shortwave whistling)
That about wraps it up for this edition of the Back to Saskatchewan mailbag, folks. It's been a pleasure, eh. This is Mark Kingsley signing off for now on the GBCN shortwave network!
(voice of James Earl Jones)
This is GBCN.
Why, hello there folks! It is I, Mark Kingsley, once again, eh, after an extremely long absence, broadcasting to you on GBCN shortwave for those few hours daily that aren't disrupted by our beloved northern lights. It is, as that Xarlon corporate loser, "Gott Mitt Uns" Romney recently said, a time of war, and we at the God Bureau Cable Network are clandestinely broadcasting to the remaining 56 nations of the free world on our expedient shortwave facilities, hidden in northern netherreaches of Canada. Ever since the unfortunate demise of the 34th Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime, eh, we have been carrying on the fight to the Xarlon armed forces and corporate infrastructure by any means possible.
The following message goes out to those brave, hardy souls held up in the Xarlon siege of Aquaburg, now in it's 92nd frigid day.
(a sultry, woman's voice)
The Aeroplane Flies High (Turns Left, Looks Right)
All Along the Watchtower
I Can't Get No Satisfaction
(back to Mark)
Don't forget to light a candle for the besieged, folks, to show your solidarity and hope for a thaw.
Now, let's take some time to dip into our overflowing mailbag, eh. A lot of these older letters are addressed directly to the Defensemaster, who obviously is unable to answer. But I shall attempt as much as possible to reply for his deceasedness. Oh, here's an old one from the moist und mulchy rainforests of the Pacific Northwest. It reads:
Dear Defensemaster,
I recently moved back to Oregon for graduate school, and I find it hard to meet interesting men. It seems they are all either way too immature or already taken. Recently, things have gotten like so bad that I've upgraded to a Bushwhacker 3000, gasoline-powered vibrator. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Cramped in Corvallis
Dear Cramped,
Don't despair, eh! There are lots of available guys out there for you. Just make it a point to go out, get liquored up and present yourself to the pack. Perhaps through the law of averages, you'll indeed find someone. And if all else fails, buy some two-cycle oil and some hard core pornography, and have a weed whacking blast!
Here's a missive a bit worse for wear, eh, complete with what looks to be and (sniffing) smells to be stains from malted alcoholic beverages. It comes from one of our readers in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains and reads:
Dear Yggdrasil Staff,
I miss the good old days of Festung Europa! Yggdrasil just doesn't cut it for me. It is fairly flaccid journalism. Even the Girls of the Week are nothing but sentimental cutsiness! Oh, how I long for some good controversy, like the Interesting People on the Fringe columns, or even The Mark Kingsley Show. How about bringing back some cutting edge stuff or not even doing it at all.
Yours truly,
Bored in Boulder
Dear Bored,
Well, we're sorry to have disappointed you, eh. Maybe you should just get back to polishing off some more brewskies, you hoser, and perhaps things will seem better, eh. It always works for me. Meanwhile, stay tuned, as another exciting version of The Mark Kingsley Show, featuring yours truly, is in the works!
Criticism seems to be coming from all corners at us, folks, as I ponder this next letter from the besieged metropolis of Aquaburg:
Dear Yggdrasil,
Bring back Festung Europa! Yggdrasil just isn't the same.
Anxious in Aquaburg
Dear Anxious,
I wish it were that simple, eh. You see, Festung Europa was directly tied to a place which has been pretty much wiped off the map due to a Xarlon attack. You, being under siege by those same forces, should understand this perfectly well. With the 34th Defensemaster dead and his successor leading the defense of your wonderful city, perhaps you should get out there on the front lines and make a difference instead of bitching and moaning, eh. To the front, my friend!
(shortwave whistling)
That about wraps it up for this edition of the Back to Saskatchewan mailbag, folks. It's been a pleasure, eh. This is Mark Kingsley signing off for now on the GBCN shortwave network!
(voice of James Earl Jones)
This is GBCN.
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