Checking in with our Man About Town

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's a new year and time to check in once again with our Iowa correspondent and Man About Town, Loren Christensen, to get some thoughts, predictions, and just darn good advice from a man with his pulse on the state of the union. Loren, are you there?

(sound of air tools heavy in the background)………..JUST GET THE FUCKIN’ THING FIXED AND GET IT THE HELL OUTTA HERE. SONOFABITCH!!!! GET THE PHONE!!! WHAT???? OH, HEY, CHRIS! HOW ARE YOU?

Great! How were your holidays? Was it a fun-filled family fest filled with frivolity?

THEY WERE WHAT THEY ALWAYS ARE, A LOGISTICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL MAZE TO GET THROUGH WITHOUT RUNNING INTO THAT COW GUY??? WHAT’S HIS NAME, ANYWAY?

Huh, cow guy? I believe you mean reindeer. And that would be Santa Claus.

OH YEAH.

What were the prized gifts given this year in the Christensen household?

STEERING WHEEL AND THROTTLE APPARATUS FOR THE FAMED XBOX, ALONG WITH GUITAR HERO FARE.

I see. Technology at its finest. So, how many assholes have asked you this winter, "Cold enough fer ya?"

ZERO. I SAY HEY MAN WHAT’S HAPPNEN’.

Uh, Loren, you're not the asshole I meant.

SHAMINAH!

But seriously, our Uranium City Worldwide Monitor shows that you folks are having a lovely blizzard today. Can you give me a quick weather update, including road conditions and your prognosis for the rest of the winter?

THE ROADS AT THIS POINT ARE 100 PERCENT SNOW AND ICE COVERED. CURRENTLY OUR WEATHER IS COLDER THAN THAT OF YELLOWSTONE, GLACIER NATIONAL PARK, AND JUNEAU, ALASKA. I WOULD SAY WE WILL HAVE AN UNLIKELY THAW IN THE NEXT WEEKS THAT WILL FUCK UP OUR DILAPIDATED ROADS UP SOMETHING FIERCE. THAT’S OKAY THOUGH, AS THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF IOWA WILL BE STARTING OUR NEW WORKS PROGRESS ASSOCIATION PLAN SOMETIME SOON THIS SPRING. WELCOME TO THE “NEW DEAL” 21^ST CENTURY STYLE……

President-elect Obama is about to take the oath of office, and none too soon. As a parting shot at one pooper of a president, what would you say to George W. Bush regarding his all-important "legacy"?

HE WILL BE REMEMBERED LIKE WARREN HARDING, A MAN WHO JUST DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE OFFICE HE OCCUPIED. IT IS A PHILOSOPHICAL PROBLEM MORE THAN ANYTHING. SOME PEOPLE JUST AREN’T THE LEADERS THEY THINK THEY ARE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH LINEAGE PLAYS A ROLE. LOOK AT MANY SONS OF PRIVILEGE IN THE PAST. WILHELM II, NAPOLEAN THE THIRD, NICHOLAUS II, CALIGULA, TO NAME A FEW. THEY HAD ALL KIND OF WILL AND INTENTIONS, BUT THEY HAD NO TALENT AS REAGAN HAD, NOR VISION LIKE THEODORE ROOSEVELT. IT IS THE REASON WHY TRUE LEADERS ARE BORN NOT “TRAINED” OR DEVOLOPED LIKE SOME FORM OF ORGANIC CHEMSTRY. IT BORDERS ON THE SPIRITUAL. IT, IN FACT, IS SPIRITUAL IN ITS NATURE.

Really?

YES. THE CHURCH WAS CORRUPT ABOUT THE WHOLE DIVINE RIGHT OF KINGS DEAL, HOWEVER, THERE IS A TRUE NUMINOUS SPARK IN A TRUE LEADER. WE’LL SEE IF THAT SPARK IS PRESENT IN THE NEW GUY. DON’T FORGET THAT GOOD LEADERS AND INSPIRED LEADERS STILL MAKE MISTAKES. THIS IS NOT A CORONATION OF THE MESSIAH, ALTHOUGH TO HEAR THE NEWS, A PERSON WOULD THINK SO. THIS UNHOLY UNION OF POLI/MEDIA WILL LIVE A SHORT MARRIAGE TO BE SURE. IT IS ALREADY SHOWING CRACKS. BY THE WAY, WHATS WITH THE MOTHER IN LAW MOVING INTO THE WHITE HOUSE THING??? I AM SURE WE ARE BEING LAUGHED AT IN ALL QUARTERS FOR THAT DEAL. “WELL WE’RE MOVIN’ ON UP!!!”

Maybe they can get an nice, English neighbor from the British Embassy like Bentley to drop in from time to time. And looking forward, what do you think are the critical things Obama needs to do to salvage the bleeding American (and world) economy? Is it even fixable?

OF COURSE IT IS. THEY NEED TO PUT THE MAJORITY OF THE MONEY INTO THE PRIVATE SECTOR AND IT WILL START TO HEAL NORMALLY. THIS WILL TAKE TWO YEARS NOT TWO MONTHS. QUIT GIVING THE MONEY DIRECTLY TO THE FUCKHEADS IN THE LENDING INSTITUTIONS. THE ONLY REASON DODD AND FRANK ATTORNEYS AT LAW WENT THAT ROUTE IN THE FIRST PLACE WITH NO MANAGEMENT OF FUNDS WAS TO MAKE SURE THERE WERE NO THIRD PARTY INVESTIGATIONS INTO THE “MONEY FOR MINORITIES FOR COMMISSIONS DEAL” WHICH BENEFITTED THEIR AND ALL THE BENEFACTORS ESTATES FOR GENERATIONS TO COME. THEY SHOULD NOT ONLY BE TRIED FOR CORRUPTION, BUT FOR HIGH TREASON AGAINST THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES.

Were you satisified with his cabinet picks?

VILSACK WAS A DEAL WITH THE CLINTONS. HILLARY WAS A DEAL WITH CONSERATIVE DEMOCRATS. HIS TREASURY PICK, WHOSE NAME ELUDES ME IS A GOOD GUY. BEWARE FOR INTEREST RATE HIKES AS SOON AS POSSIBLE FROM THAT CAMP.

Do you think, however, that he may be relying too much on old-school politicians instead of coming up with the "change" he promised in the campaign?

HE IS, LIKE THEM ALL, FULL OF SHIT AND ENDEARED TO THOSE WHO GOT HIM ELECTED. SIT UBU SIT. GOOD BOY. RUFF!!!!

OK, let's hear some predictions for the year ahead...

WE WILL GET OSAMA BIN LADEN AND NO ONE WILL CARE THAT MUCH.

INTEREST RATES WILL BEGIN TO RISE BY JULY.

ISRAEL WILL ATTACK SYRIA.

PAKISTAN WILL WARM TO OBAMA WHICH WILL ENRAGE THE INDIANS.

CHINA WILL GO INTO DEAP RECESSION. WE DON’T BUY SHIT WITH MONEY WE DO NOT HAVE.

3.00 CORN. 7.00 SOYBEANS.

WIND POWER WILL BE THE NEW SUBSIDY KING.

CHRYSLER WILL BE OWNED BY GM AND THE FEDS WILL STEP UP SUPPORT IN THE HOPES OF THE ELECTRIC CAR SUCCEEDING.

What will the big stories on the national level be this year?

CONGRESS AND OBAMA WILL FAIL TO FIND A COMMON GROUND AS SOON AS THEY PICK UP ON THE FACT THAT HE WILL NOT STOP UNTIL INSURANCE AND BANKING ARE REGULATED LIKE THE EUROPEANS. REMEMBER THE INVESTIGATIONS I TALKED ABOUT EARLIER IN THIS INTERVIEW????

How about in the state of Iowa?

NEW HIGHWAYS. NEW BRIDGES. MORE DEBT. WIND ENERGY WILL BE OUR ECONOMIC SAVIOR IN THE COMING YEARS. THIS IS ONE DEAL THAT WILL WORK. BIO ENERGY IS DEAD, BUT NOT TO WORRY AS AIR WILL MORE THAN MAKE UP FOR IT. THE TECHNOLOGY GARNERED FROM THIS WILL BOLSTER THE ELECTRIC CAR TECHNOLOGY. IT IS ALREADY THER AND HAS BEEN, THEY NEED A GOOD TRANSITIONAL STORY THOUGH SO AS NOT TO SMOKE OUT HOW THEY AND THE OIL CARTELS HAVE BEEN FUCKING US FOR A DECADE. THAT WAY EVERYONE STAYS OUT OF JAIL AND THE ECONOMY GETS BACK ON ITS FEET.

BY THE WAY, THEY ALL GET TO KEEP THE MONEY THAT WAY TOO….

Well, that certainly sounds optimistic. Maybe we'll get a world war to jump start the economy like 1941.

GOD HELP THE PROVOCATOR.

Loren, it has indeed been a pleasure, as always. Thanks for your time and commentary. Up next on GBCN, it's Lives of the Rich and Farmers with your host, Ivan Anderson, so stay tuned!