Checking In With Our Man About Town
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it has been a long, long time since we checked in with our beloved Iowa correspondent and Man About Town, Loren Christensen, so let's try to get a connection to him once again. Loren, can you hear me?
(unintelligble yelling and mayhem)
Loren?
Just put it on random and grab me a beer!!! What?! Back it out ta tha fucking menu goddamnit. I already did vacuum!!! Oh, of course, there’s nothing I’d rather do in life than clean to Jewel and Sara Mcclaughlin, why don’t we put Mannheim Steamroller on and really get down?!
On the ground man. Oh, hi, what’s up???
Hi Loren. It's Chris again from Festung Europa, the place where the answer to all questions is yes...and no! We thought we'd check in with you once again after all this time.
Well grab that toilet scrubber and follow me, then.
Uh, I'm not actually there, Loren. This is a long distance connection.
Oh yeah. Well, I guess I'll fucking do it myself, like usual. Sheesh.
Dare I ask, but how are things going in your world?
Being poor again builds character. Anyone who honestly believes money can’t buy love and happiness, never has never had any fucking money!!!! Dig that all you friggin’ do-gooders out there wearing your earth colors and waving your change we can believe in signs. It’s all a farce. The money's gone, no trail to find, recapture, or even know why we sent it to whom and even for what. The bankers are laughing at us and our already befuddled, frumpy, and embarrassing president….If his goal in life was to one day host Saturday Night Live, then why didn’t he become a comedian. Wait a minute…..I guess he is becoming a comedian.He could guest on the Red Skelton show.
That doesn't sound too promising! The Red Skelton Show ended in 1971, Loren.
Oh, this whole situation is full of promises. Our current president has been bought off by more interest groups than you could name in a four-day filibuster. Fuck, he can’t even remember who he promised what. But what difference does it make with those big shoulders his wife has. She will need them to carry his sorry ass another three and a half years.
What do you think is the cause of this?
This country has in its do-gooder mindset over the last thirty years written itself out of its own fucking will. Barack Obama won by doing what every crooked boss and racketing Chicago politician has done for the last 150 years. Drive down the street waving while people throw out bread and sweets to the people with slogans and loud speakers saying “Vote for me and I’ll give you all kinds of free shit!" They practically drug every bum from every bridge to cynically get the fucker to vote….After that, fuck em, we got what we wanted. Middle class America can thank itself for this debacle and the whole banking mess. We were like, fuck it, we’ll write all these bad notes to these deadbeats, after that, maybe they’ll be happy and we won’t have to hear about it anymore. Besides, it’s all GOVERNMENT GUARANTEED!!!!!! Some would argue this was absurd because there is a finite amount of money in the world.
The truth is that the money in the world is infinite, the only difference is, IT WON’T BE WORTH ANYTHING!!!!!! Now the banks own all this worthless property, and our WONDERFUL leaders want to just keep printing until the dollar is worthless and we bankrupt England, Japan, and China.
Want a war????? Try bankrupting the Chinese.
I see you have gone away from perpetual ALL CAPS screaming to just screaming with emphasis when necessary. Bravo!. Have you considered making another change?
Yes, I have contacted Michael Jackson's doctors and am seriously thinking of becoming black.
What is standing in the way?
Well, the pigmentation thing is a real challenge, but I do a mean James Brown, and can play guitar like Chuck Berry so the cultural thing should not be a problem. Shaminah!
You'd be surprised to know that the feedback we've gotten from blog readers is quite positive towards you. To what to you attribute this warm response?
People are fucking sick of being lied to. They know that I tell it like IT IS. Plus, I have a winning smile.
That is, to say, compared with our other editors and writers such as Mark Kingsley.
I made that man, he can kiss my ass!!!!
That might be make for an interesting GBCN documentary on anilingus. Let me jot that down. Ass licking, got it. Have you been working on any side projects with the God Bureau Cable Network these days, Loren?
Not really, I just haven’t felt like doing anything lately, ya know…..I am just so fed up with everything right now..
I AM TOTALLY CRUSHED THAT OUR FAIR CHICAGO DIDN’T GET THE OLYMPICS. Too bad Obama forgot to send the customary 2 tons of champagne, 50 crates of Cuban cigars, and the briefcase exchange in the back room that is the Chicago custom of doing business. Guess he was off his game.
Meanwhile a total whack job in Iran is getting ready to start WWIII with Israel. But, fuck it. It’ll all take care of itself right Hillary???
We were speaking of being BOUGHT. Don’t hear much from our fair Secretary, do we? It is hard to speak with duct tape over your mouth.
AND I LIKE HILLARY AND BILL. So don’t give me this right wing nut job bullshit.
That certainly sounds interesting. Mark has been known to be quite an expert with all things duct tape. Do you think it will be a hit with viewers worldwide?
We'll have to wait and see. We can call it "Fucked Up and Duct with Mark Kingsley".
I'll run that by him. He's available for teleconferences most Wednesdays. So what do you think will happen on the US economic front in the next six months?
Markets up, bonds steady, interest rates low, banks collecting off all the fees they instituted after our congressional reform. Inflation will start in 18 months
How is the central Iowa economy from your standpoint?
Chet Culver is a fat, little idiot. Give me back Terry E. Branstad!!!!!
I wouldn't call him little. I saw him at his Charity Steer Show at the great Iowa State Fair and honestly think he could have won it himself. But on to former Governor Branstad: that wouldn't have anything to do with your personal connections with him, would it?
Face it, Chris. I want my fucking piece of the pie, too!!!! It is the American way.
True enough. As usual, Loren, it's been great chatting with you once again! Thanks so much for taking time from your busy schedule to talk with us. We hope to hear from you soon here on Festung Europa! Coming up next folks, it's time to get liquored up with Gonar's Drink of the Month, so stay tuned!
(unintelligble yelling and mayhem)
Loren?
Just put it on random and grab me a beer!!! What?! Back it out ta tha fucking menu goddamnit. I already did vacuum!!! Oh, of course, there’s nothing I’d rather do in life than clean to Jewel and Sara Mcclaughlin, why don’t we put Mannheim Steamroller on and really get down?!
On the ground man. Oh, hi, what’s up???
Hi Loren. It's Chris again from Festung Europa, the place where the answer to all questions is yes...and no! We thought we'd check in with you once again after all this time.
Well grab that toilet scrubber and follow me, then.
Uh, I'm not actually there, Loren. This is a long distance connection.
Oh yeah. Well, I guess I'll fucking do it myself, like usual. Sheesh.
Dare I ask, but how are things going in your world?
Being poor again builds character. Anyone who honestly believes money can’t buy love and happiness, never has never had any fucking money!!!! Dig that all you friggin’ do-gooders out there wearing your earth colors and waving your change we can believe in signs. It’s all a farce. The money's gone, no trail to find, recapture, or even know why we sent it to whom and even for what. The bankers are laughing at us and our already befuddled, frumpy, and embarrassing president….If his goal in life was to one day host Saturday Night Live, then why didn’t he become a comedian. Wait a minute…..I guess he is becoming a comedian.He could guest on the Red Skelton show.
That doesn't sound too promising! The Red Skelton Show ended in 1971, Loren.
Oh, this whole situation is full of promises. Our current president has been bought off by more interest groups than you could name in a four-day filibuster. Fuck, he can’t even remember who he promised what. But what difference does it make with those big shoulders his wife has. She will need them to carry his sorry ass another three and a half years.
What do you think is the cause of this?
This country has in its do-gooder mindset over the last thirty years written itself out of its own fucking will. Barack Obama won by doing what every crooked boss and racketing Chicago politician has done for the last 150 years. Drive down the street waving while people throw out bread and sweets to the people with slogans and loud speakers saying “Vote for me and I’ll give you all kinds of free shit!" They practically drug every bum from every bridge to cynically get the fucker to vote….After that, fuck em, we got what we wanted. Middle class America can thank itself for this debacle and the whole banking mess. We were like, fuck it, we’ll write all these bad notes to these deadbeats, after that, maybe they’ll be happy and we won’t have to hear about it anymore. Besides, it’s all GOVERNMENT GUARANTEED!!!!!! Some would argue this was absurd because there is a finite amount of money in the world.
The truth is that the money in the world is infinite, the only difference is, IT WON’T BE WORTH ANYTHING!!!!!! Now the banks own all this worthless property, and our WONDERFUL leaders want to just keep printing until the dollar is worthless and we bankrupt England, Japan, and China.
Want a war????? Try bankrupting the Chinese.
I see you have gone away from perpetual ALL CAPS screaming to just screaming with emphasis when necessary. Bravo!. Have you considered making another change?
Yes, I have contacted Michael Jackson's doctors and am seriously thinking of becoming black.
What is standing in the way?
Well, the pigmentation thing is a real challenge, but I do a mean James Brown, and can play guitar like Chuck Berry so the cultural thing should not be a problem. Shaminah!
You'd be surprised to know that the feedback we've gotten from blog readers is quite positive towards you. To what to you attribute this warm response?
People are fucking sick of being lied to. They know that I tell it like IT IS. Plus, I have a winning smile.
That is, to say, compared with our other editors and writers such as Mark Kingsley.
I made that man, he can kiss my ass!!!!
That might be make for an interesting GBCN documentary on anilingus. Let me jot that down. Ass licking, got it. Have you been working on any side projects with the God Bureau Cable Network these days, Loren?
Not really, I just haven’t felt like doing anything lately, ya know…..I am just so fed up with everything right now..
I AM TOTALLY CRUSHED THAT OUR FAIR CHICAGO DIDN’T GET THE OLYMPICS. Too bad Obama forgot to send the customary 2 tons of champagne, 50 crates of Cuban cigars, and the briefcase exchange in the back room that is the Chicago custom of doing business. Guess he was off his game.
Meanwhile a total whack job in Iran is getting ready to start WWIII with Israel. But, fuck it. It’ll all take care of itself right Hillary???
We were speaking of being BOUGHT. Don’t hear much from our fair Secretary, do we? It is hard to speak with duct tape over your mouth.
AND I LIKE HILLARY AND BILL. So don’t give me this right wing nut job bullshit.
That certainly sounds interesting. Mark has been known to be quite an expert with all things duct tape. Do you think it will be a hit with viewers worldwide?
We'll have to wait and see. We can call it "Fucked Up and Duct with Mark Kingsley".
I'll run that by him. He's available for teleconferences most Wednesdays. So what do you think will happen on the US economic front in the next six months?
Markets up, bonds steady, interest rates low, banks collecting off all the fees they instituted after our congressional reform. Inflation will start in 18 months
How is the central Iowa economy from your standpoint?
Chet Culver is a fat, little idiot. Give me back Terry E. Branstad!!!!!
I wouldn't call him little. I saw him at his Charity Steer Show at the great Iowa State Fair and honestly think he could have won it himself. But on to former Governor Branstad: that wouldn't have anything to do with your personal connections with him, would it?
Face it, Chris. I want my fucking piece of the pie, too!!!! It is the American way.
True enough. As usual, Loren, it's been great chatting with you once again! Thanks so much for taking time from your busy schedule to talk with us. We hope to hear from you soon here on Festung Europa! Coming up next folks, it's time to get liquored up with Gonar's Drink of the Month, so stay tuned!
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