Gonar's Drink of the Month

Gentle Drinker,

It's good to see that things are getting back to "normal" at Festung Europa. After the not-so-recent death of the Defensemaster, and subsequent period of what-the-fuck-is-going-on, a return to the lunar clocked task of figuring out what to drink with my dinner is a welcome and long overdue event. So what has old Gonar, Gatekeeper of the Outer Galaxy, been up to? Well, after recovering the charred carcass of the Defensemaster, I turned his head over to the Mystic Master so that his last wish, to have his skull made into a beer stein (with a handy hinge for the cranium flip-top) could be fulfilled. Some silicon bone shavings were kept as a momento, and in my off-world lab it was not long at all before I was able to develop the technology to extract DNA from the fragments, create a living blastocyst and implant it into the womb of a heavily-drugged Xarlon princess whom we captured whilst she was trying to escape the flooded remains of the Metroplex following the "Deal with God" initiative and subsequent fall of the Xarlon Empire. After emerging from her womb (and eating her remains) the new, young Defensemaster spent the next couple years growing into the strong and fearless biped he is today. Added bonus, thanks to a bit of genetic material from my neighbor's pussy, Defensemaster 2.0 keeps himself much cleaner than he did in the old days. Oh, now come on! I meant her cat!

So there's my update. Isn't it lovely to catch up? Now, it's time to hear about this month's Drink of the Month...

The Bloody Mary! What? Why? It's October, shouldn't we be drinking beer out of big glass boots and listening polka music? Perhaps, if things were status quo, but they are not. This month has a dark cloud looming over it...October is the last month the Uptown Bar is open. Yes, I'll say it again. The Uptown is closing. My favorite drinking establishment is slated for demolition, it will close it's doors for good on November 1st, and before the moon is full again the legend will be over. This is the bar where much of the Aquaburg music scene got it's start - Hüsker Dü, The Replacements, Trip Shakespeare, and in a bar where they have run fifteen to twenty bands a week for the last thirty years the list could go on and on and on and on. Not only is the Uptown Bar famous for its spectacular music scene, it also has the best damn cheeseburger anywhere, and it is very well known for its signature drink, the Bloody Mary. Just the right consistency, just the right amount of spice, rimmed with lime juice and celery salt and served alongside a beer chaser, and in an Uptown Bar pint glass you take home (my cupboard is full of them) this is one drink that is very, very tough to beat. If you haven't had a Bloody Mary at the Uptown Bar, do it. Go now. Right now!

The Bloody Mary has a disputed history and honestly, who gives a fuck where it came from. Either way, it's a classic. It is not an easy drink to make, and quite frankly if you want to make your own at home you can do pretty darn good with a mix to which you add vodka and ice. It keeps things simple and they do pretty well. I like Mr. and Mrs. T's Spicy Mix, myself. I pity the fool who doesn't like this mix! And feeling compelled to be somewhat of a purist for the sake of this column, I am drinking one I made from scratch as a I write this. It took some research to get it right, and while researching drinks is usually a pretty good time, researching the Bloody Mary was different. They are either really good, or really bad. There's very little middle ground. One piece of advice when you are looking over a new Bloody Mary recipe; go long on the lemon juice and the celery salt. If the recipe calls for "a dash" of lemon juice, don't bother. Also, it's hard to understate the importance of the celery salt. These ground-up celery seeds mixed with salt may seem trivial, but believe me they're not. Finally, one cannot have a discussion of the Bloody Mary without talking about the garnish. Usually a simple celery stick will do, but why not add more food groups and make it a meal? Cocktail shrimp are great on the edge of the glass, and a cheese stick would not be out of place. You can add a skewer with olives, cherry tomatoes, even grapes. At the Uptown they put a pickle quarter in it. Do be cautious about putting too much shit in the glass as some people do go overboard with this, and it is a drink after all. Two items are ample. You could play with bases, too. A gazpacho soup in lieu of the tomato juice would be interesting. With a little experimentation and creativity a person could make a delicious Bloody Mary that would make any lunchroom lady dietician beam with pride.

Here is the recipe that I like:

Fill a cocktail shaker about half full of ice, and add: a 6 ounce can of tomato juice 3 shots of vodka 2 shot of lemon juice 1 tsp of worcestershire (wer-stir-sure) sauce six dashes of tabasco sauce 1/2 tsp of celery salt

Shake well, and pour it all into a tall glass with about six ice cubes in it. Serve it with garnish and DON'T FORGET A BEER CHASER!

The beer chaser is another important part of this complex drink.

Enjoy, my friends, enjoy. Stay warm and cozy as fall spreads its shady wings of night over us, and if you need a place to warm up with a cold drink and a hot band, head to the Uptown. Maybe I'll see you there.

Gonar