Back To Saskatchewan Mailbag
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Mark: Thanks, folks. Thanks a lot, eh. It's great to be back after a LONG, LONG interlude. Your post to us has piled up beyond imagine, causing us to have most of it recycled into IKEA furniture. In fact, this lovely faux chair is made from our post from August, 2010. But, beyond the 99% of sheer, unadulterated idiocy, the junk mail, adverts and a few choice titty magazines that we normally receive, our editors have found the time to cut through the crap, so to speak and selected their reader favorites to be answered by none other than the late, great Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime, himself! How, you ask, is that possible? Well, we've got a live astral feed direct from the Valhalla Golf Resort and Conference Center, eh. But before we bring that up, here's a special word from our sponsor, Nihilist Handbags.
Mark: Thanks, folks. Thanks a lot, eh. It's great to be back after a LONG, LONG interlude. Your post to us has piled up beyond imagine, causing us to have most of it recycled into IKEA furniture. In fact, this lovely faux chair is made from our post from August, 2010. But, beyond the 99% of sheer, unadulterated idiocy, the junk mail, adverts and a few choice titty magazines that we normally receive, our editors have found the time to cut through the crap, so to speak and selected their reader favorites to be answered by none other than the late, great Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime, himself! How, you ask, is that possible? Well, we've got a live astral feed direct from the Valhalla Golf Resort and Conference Center, eh. But before we bring that up, here's a special word from our sponsor, Nihilist Handbags.
A young woman enters a bookstore in a hip and happening college town. The female clerk at the check-out counter notices her black Nihilist handbag.
"Hey, that's a really neat bag! Where'd you get it?"
"Oh, it's nothing."
Nihilist Handbags. When nothing is all you need.
Mark: We're back with the Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag, eh! And as I mentioned earlier, we've thrown away 99% of your letters, but that shouldn't discourage you. Keep on posting them! We need some more Hølger bookshelves as soon as possible. Let's get to some gems that our dwarvish editors selected as worthy enough for this programme. But first, ladies and gentlemen, let's connect once again with the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime, now residing at the lovely Valhalla Golf Resort and Conference Center in beautiful Asgard.
Screen pops up behind Mark as Mark turns to the side to face it. Static blasts across the screen, then soon a picture appears of the Defensemaster, metallic skull shining, sitting in a wicker chair on a veranda, wearing an polo shirt and khakis, drinking an Appletini.
Mark: Hello, Defensemaster! Long time, no see, eh?
Defensemaster (hissing): Greetings, Mark! It's great to be back on your programme, but considering the fact that I am deceased and consigned to the limbo of Norse Valhalla awaiting the final battle at the end of the world, in the words of Keith Richards, it's great to be anywhere!
Mark (laughing): That's quite true! But seriously, though, it's a pleasure to have you back.
Defensemaster: I wouldn't miss a Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag, Mark. It has always been one of my favorite GBCN programmes. It and The Worst Pain, with Chris Meyer.
Mark: I've always been partial to those shows that the Creator hosts directly, as well, eh. So tell me, how are things?
Defensemaster (low growl): Mark, let me tell you, the afterlife isn't what it is cut out to be.
Mark: How so?
Defensemaster: It's a lot of the same old, same old, you know. But I consider myself lucky that, as a warrior, I ended up here instead of at one of the alternatives. They let just about anyone into Christian Heaven nowadays, it seems, and they rather frown upon us battling each other all day while feasting, drinking and whoring all night. Nirvana is a bit too relaxed for my schedule, and The Happy Hunting Grounds is fine in the fall for a break but, let's face it, there's scant pussy there. Here I've got Valkyries waiting on me hand and foot. It's quite an exclusive venue, Valhalla, and I'm thankful that the All Father and I go way back, to the time of the Great Migrations, in fact, when he was just Wodanaz. He reserved a prime spot for me here, and death is good.
Mark (chuckling): Sounds great! Makes me almost look forward to it.
Defensemaster: Well, Mark, I'm not sure if they have a specific afterlife opportunity for washed up comic actors.
Mark: Oh, yes they do. It's called Branson, Missouri.
Defensemaster (hissing): I see your sense of humour hasn't changed. What do we have on the programme today, Mark?
Mark: Sir, we have perhaps what hasn't been done on the Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag for some time.
Defensemaster: Considering it's been well over a year since the last one, that could be anything.
Mark: That's true, eh. But how does this idea strike you? I have here several letters all pertaining to the same subject, namely that which is timeless and yearned for by all humanity...
Defensemaster: A Rolex?
Mark (laughing): Hey, I'm supposed to do the comedy here!
Defensemaster: Give a dead guy a break, Mark. (addressing a pale blonde woman in billowing white robes) I'll take another Appletini, please. That reminds me, Mark. When are we going to get some more drink recipes and such on Festung Europa. I need to broaden my horizons. Aside from the occasional cocktail, we're usually drowning in mead here.
Mark: That can't be a bad thing.
Defensemaster: Well, no, but variety is the spice of life, or death!
Mark: I'll have to put in a word to Messrs. Nielsen and Olafson. They are our in-house beverage experts.
Defensemaster: Please do!
Mark: As I was saying earlier, today's theme is that which is timeless and shared by all humanity. The subject is love, eh.
Defensemaster: Oh great. Something which I have never truly known.
Mark: What about those winters in the desert with Iguana Wanda?
Defensemaster: That doesn't count, Mark. We silicon-based creatures can't quite decipher the codes of a human female.
Mark: Neither can we human males! That is why our Mailbag is so intriguing today, as we tackle this subject in a sort of advice to the love lorn.
Defensemaster (spitting): Oh please, Mark, let's not.
Mark: Come on, eh. It should be enlightening, and our viewers would most certainly find it most interesting.
Defensemaster: OK, but I can't speak on the subject of human love myself. I'll need some support in this area, and for that, I will use our standard oracle here in Valhalla, the runes.
Mark: Super, eh! We'll be right back with our first letter, folks, so stay tuned!
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