Republican Primary/Cock-Ass Report: Missouri, Minnesota, Colorado
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Ride Through Colorado
(and I get blitzed)
(and I get blitzed)
Gentle reader,
You may wonder how I have time to drink a bunch of beer and write about tonight's primary (Missouri) and two caucuses (Minnesota and Colorado) since one of those caucuses is in Colorado. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Magic Underpants, Anal Mess, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and Ron Paul) are so dangerous, delusional, and downright, fucking moronic that there's no way I could possibly vote for any of them (Note: only registered Republicans can vote in the non-binding, Colorado caucus). Two of my close friends are out voting for the least worst candidate, Ron Paul, but this fucking dope wants to implement 19th century, Central European economics in the American system. My co-workers are behind Newt 'The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man' Gingrich but only one is excited enough to actually attend the caucus. My Minnesotan cousin, who besides being a well known beer connoisseur is a gun-toting conservative, decided to get hammered at the bars tonight instead of wasting his time voting for any of these four dickheads. Great call!
Where are we in this never-ending race featuring three of the dumbest individuals on the planet (and Ron Paul)? Rick 'Anal Mess' Santorum squeaked out a victory in Iowa but that wasn't announced for a couple of weeks, so he did not have a chance to really take advantage any momentum of winning Iowa. Willard 'Magic Underpants' Romney won New Hampshire by a good margin. Newt 'The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man' Santorum took advantage of Bible Belters in South Carolina that consider Mormonism a cult and won the South Carolina primary. More recently, Magic Underpants won Florida and Nevada by significant margins. While it may appear that Romney has the nomination wrapped up, he is not favored in all three of tonight's states. Though poll numbers are fairly limited, it appears that Anal Mess is favored in Minnesota and Missouri while Romney should carry Colorado with its significant Mormon population.
There hasn't been significant polling in any of these states, but the polling firm, PPP, expects Romney to win by ten in Colorado, Santorum by nine in Minnesota, and Santorum by 13 in Missouri. Could tonight spell a comeback for Santorum? As this whole race has shown, most Republican voters are uncomfortable with Romney as their nominee and I expect to see Romney to again dip in the polls should Santorum have a good night and/or Romney has a poor showing. Newt Gingrich is a fucking idiot and failed to get his paperwork submitted in Missouri, so he is not even an option in the Missouri primary.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012, 6:38 PM MST: Missouri results (1% reporting): Romney 38%, Santorum 36%, Uncommitted 10%, Paul 9%
Minnesota results (1% reporting): Santorum 48%, Paul 24%, Romney 16%, Gingrich 12%
I will also be tasting a very nice beer from each of the states that are voting tonight. From Colorado, I will be tasting Odell Saboteur Brett Barrel Brown Ale. From Minnesota, I will be evaluating Surly Abrasive Ale, while the Mizzou brew is a Boulevard Saison Brett from Kansas City, Missouri. All three of these beers have been aged nearly a year, which should help the character of Saboteur and Saison Brett, Abrasive, a Double IPA, should always be drunk fresh. Hopefully, I can give you a good idea of what to expect from a Double IPA when it's not fresh.
7:00 PM MST: The Colorado Caucuses are about to begin which means it will be a while before we get some of its results. Missouri and Minnesota results are trickling in, so let's get to our first beer of the night, Surly Abrasive.
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| Surly's Abrasive Ale |
Surly is a popular brewery (especially among beer enthusiasts) that is located in the Twin Cities in Minnesota. Abrasive Ale is a Double IPA, that like all Surly beers, comes in a can. It is rated in the 100th percentile of all beers on RateBeer and in the 99th percentile of Double IPAs. While helping retain freshness, cans are also allowed where bottles are not (sporting events, poolside, camping, etc). With highly hopped beers like Abrasive Ale, it is absolutely essential to drink the beers as fresh as possible. The hop notes begin to fade very quickly, so should you choose to buy Russian River Pliny the Elder, Bells Hopslam, or Surly Abrasive Ale drink it up right away (or as soon as possible). The can I am tasting right now is around one year old, so I expect the hop notes to significantly have faded. Abrasive pours a transparent, colorful orange appearance with a big, tan head. In the nose, there's a dull, mild citrusy, floral, mostly fairly rich, toasty malty smell. The flavor is now almost like a barleywine with a rich, toasty maltiness, yet a very dull, floral, earthy hoppiness. At one year of age, I would rate Abrasive as follows.
Aroma: 5/10, Appearance: 4/5, Taste: 6/10, Palate: 4/5, Overall: 9/20
Here's how I rated Abrasive Ale back on New Year's Day which was canned on approximately December 28th. Abrasive has a somewhat hazy, reddish orange appearance with an off white head. There's a super piney, herbal, organic hoppy, a touch citrusy, bitter aroma with a very rich piney, orange citrusy, big organic hoppy flavor. Cool brew!
Aroma: 8/10, Appearance: 4/5, Taste: 8/10, Palate: 4/5, Overall: 16/20
As you can see, the huge piney notes that I tasted from a fresh can were nonexistant when I tasted a year old can. As the mega-hoppiness is the real reason for drinking Abrasive Ale; the loss of this quality means that the beer becomes fairly undesirable. Though the beer's flavor has significantly degraded over a year, there's no rule that you can't use your old IPAs for mindless swilling! Bottoms up!
Surly is only available for purchase in Minnesota, though that may change when their planned mega-brewery is finished. In the mean time, if you want to taste some Surly beers, get a friend or relative in Minnesota to ship you some!
7:13 PM MST: Missouri (10% reporting): Santorum 50%, Romney 28%, Paul 12%
Minnesota (3% reporting): Santorum 48%, Paul 23%, Romney 16%, Gingrich 13%
Good god, Santorum is kicking some serious ass thus far. For the sake of this column, I am hoping that Santorum has a great night and keeps this race interesting. I just checked in with our Senior Iowa Political Analyst, Mildred Meyer, and she wasn't even bothering to watch the results come in. I don't blame her. She did agree with me that she hopes that Santorum does well tonight to create a little more chaos in the nomination process. Mildred did mention that she's thrilled with her cleaning lady, who helped her clean out her kitchen cupboards! If any of our readers are single, her cleaning lady is also single and looking. We'll get back to you later with her measurements and fetishes to better help match the woman up with a mate! (Ed.note: Here you go!)
7:41 PM MST: Missouri (30% reporting): Santorum 53%, Romney 26%, Paul 12%
Minnesota (7% reporting): Santorum 43%, Paul 27%, Romney 18%, Gingrich 12%
Colorado (7% reporting): Santorum 49%, Gingrich 29%, Romney 21%, Paul 9%
CNN just called Missouri for Santorum. It's really beginning to look like a big night for Santorum and if he wins all three of the races tonight, it's going to be huge.
Since Missouri is in the books, now is a good time to try quite possibly the best beer produced in Missouri, Boulevard Saison Brett , which is rated in the 100th percentile of all beers on RateBeer. Saison Brett is a Belgian-style farmhouse ale that is spiked with brettanomyces, a wild yeast that contributes a tart fruity character to a beer. Boulevard distributes all over the Midwest, but Saison Brett tends to sell out quite quickly, especially in the KC metro area. Saison Brett pours a touch hazy, golden appearance with a fluffy, white head. It has a tangy, wild, somewhat spicy yeasty, lemon citrusy aroma and has a bretty, somewhat spicy, lemony tart, floral hoppy flavor with a fairly spicy finish. Saison Brett is super refreshing and incredibly easy to drink, especially considering that it's 8.5% alcohol by volume. I can't recommend this beer enough- truly a new American classic.
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| Boulevard's Saison Brett |
Justin Nielsen, our Senior Mizzou Political Correspondent, just called into our office to check in. He wasn't surprised with Santorum's huge lead in Missouri, as it's filled with batshit crazy Christian evangelicals. He also gave me an update on Missouri's status as the puppy mill capital of the world. Missouri voters back in 2010 voted to restrict some of the gruesome practices by Mizzou puppy mills. Evidently, their state's Congress of dingbats gutted the voter approved bill. If you're in the puppy mill industry, you can again have more than fifty dogs at any given time and restrictions on inbreeding has been loosened. God bless the Missouri Congress! Praise the Lord! (Ed. note: There are loose restrictions on inbreeding humans in Missouri as well. Joke from my youth: If you took the bottom two tiers of counties in Iowa and ceded them to Missouri, you'd raise the IQ of both states!)
8:21 PM MST: Missouri (69% reporting): Santorum 55%, Romney 25%, Paul 12%
Minnesota (25% reporting): Santorum 44%, Paul 27%, Romney 17%, Gingrich 12%
Colorado (8% reporting): Santorum 50%, Gingrich 21%, Romney 19%, Paul 10%
Hot damn! Go Santorum! YAY ANAL MESS! (Ed. note: I really hope that's the first and last time our correspondent uses that turn of phrase!) Turn out in Missouri seems to be a little low, while there are reports that turn out in Minnesota is above average. It's still very early for Colorado, but a win by Santorum here would be HUGE.
8:51 PM MST: CNN just called Minnesota for Santorum and he's in a dead heat in Colorado. Santorum is out now thanking God for his wins. I agree with you, Anal Mess. Thank you Lord for Santorum's victories! "Your votes were hear loud across the country ... and in Massachusetts" and "We doubled him up in Missouri AND Minnesota tonight" are two of Santorum's first lines at his victory rally. Barring another economic down turn, Barry would roll and smoke Anal Mess in the general election. Hmmm... that may not be what I meant it to, but fuck it. (Ed. note: Buttfuck it?) Santorum is the Republican Party's Biggest Loser and I hope he gets the nomination.
DO OR DON'T DO? Karen Santorum, wife of Rick Santorum.
DON'T DO! (Ed. note: DO!)
While searching about Karen Santorum, I ran across this beauty of an article that Karen Santorum had a love affair with an abortion doctor. Evidently the abortion doctor even delivered Karen and Rick's child after having banged Karen ruthlessly in the past.
Santorum (san-TOR-um) n: The sometimes frothy, usually slimy, amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner's anus after a session of anal intercourse.
Results from Colorado are coming in very slow, so let's try our Colorado brew of the night. Saboteur is a brown ale aged in barrels with brettanomyces and is produced by Odell Brewing Company. I will be drinking a 2010 vintage of this brew. A 750 mL bottle will run you about $12-$15 and this beer is rated in the 97th percentile on RateBeer. Saboteur pours a reddish brown appearance with a tan head. Its aroma is mild to moderately bretty, red fruity, moderately tart, and toasty caramel malty. There's a caramelized sugary taste to the flavor in addition to a mild bretty, tart, red berry flavor. The booze does come through a little bit, but it's a pretty mild note considering there's 10% alcohol by volume in Saboteur. Overall, an interesting brew.
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| Odell's Saboteur |
Aroma: 8/10, Appearance: 4/5, Taste: 7/10, Palate: 4/5, Overall: 14/20
Ron Paul is out going on and on about economics and monetary theory. BLAH BLAH BLAH. CNN is projecting Paul to finish second in Minnesota. His rally is filled with a bunch of kids my age but with mountain man beards.
Speaking of which, Tim M. of Fort Collins, Colorado, just called into our Festung Europa political headquarters to give us the low down on how the four caucuses went at Tavelli Elementary School in Fort Collins. Over the four precincts, Anal Mess got 79 votes, Magic Underpants 42 votes, Paul 36 votes, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man 20 votes. Before the vote occurred, people were allowed to argue their case for each candidate. Evidently, a dude that appeared to be a Newt Gingrich doppelganger (albeit slightly slimmer) stepped up to argue for Gingrich. Some crazy lady stood up to support Santorum. Tim stepped up to tell the crowd that Ron Paul was the best candidate as he's a "constitutional conservative" and "the most consistent in the race." Evidently, Romney's supporters were embarassed by their candidate, as no one particularly wanted to speak about him. In the end, Tim's precinct had 17 votes for Santorum, 7 votes for Paul, 4 votes for Romney, and 4 votes for Gingrich. Many of the Paul supporters were, indeed, young folks. Tim will be representing his precinct at the country assembly along with one other Ron Paul supporter and two Rick Santorum supporters. Essentially the caucus is a beauty contest or a straw poll, so at the county assembly Tim will likely fuck over his precinct and cast his ballot for Ron Paul. That means his precinct will cast two votes for Paul and two for Santorum despite the fact that Paul only carried 22% of the vote. Fuck you, Romney! Fuck you, Gingrich! Thanks for the update, Tim! Cheers!
9:41 PM MST: Missouri (99% reporting): Santorum 55%, Romney 25%, Paul 12%
Minnesota (70% reporting): Santorum 45%, Paul 27%, Romney 17%, Gingrich 11%
Colorado (25% reporting): Santorum 43%, Romney 28%, Gingrich 15%, Paul 13%
None of Colorado's most populous counties have reported thus far, so it's way to early to call it for Santorum. Romney just got done and did congratulate Santorum on his wins in Minnesota and Missouri. His speech overall was boring, a little rambling, and uninspiring. My favorite part was his exit from the stage was set to Kid Rock's Born Free:
Details are limited, but some dude apparently just rushed towards Willard while he was signing autographs (he's in Denver tonight by the way) and he was yanked back stage by Secret Service. Five minutes later, we have learned that this hoodlum was attempting to glitter bomb Romney. You may have remembered that it has become popular to throw glitter on the most homophobic candidates. Early on, this frequently occurred to Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum. I have a hard time imagining that Rick Santorum doesn't enjoy lesbian porn every once in a while (Ed. note: This should give you a hard time imagining as well.):
Hardcore Lesbian Strap-on Compilation brought to you by PornHub
10:24 PM EST: Colorado (51% reporting): Romney 37%, Santorum 35%, Gingrich 15%, Paul 14%
This could go on a while. The Republican Party in Colorado seems to be completely unorganized, as the votes are coming so slowly. Now that I'm thinking about it, my drinking has been progressing at the same speed. Time to liven things up: here comes the Templeton Rye!
Yeeeeeow! Holy Moses! The rye is dancing on my tongue. Some kind of weird native Iowan tribal dance is taking place, as a nice buzz is finally starting to come on. (Ed. note: I once participated in such a dance from the original Templeton Rye in a mason jar.) Gentle reader, Templeton Rye is hard to come by and shouldn't be used to blasted. Wait wait. Fuck, yes it should. Here comes some more.
LKAJSDFLjasdlkfjsadlkfjsdlkfjLJFASDLKFJSDL. Yummy yum yumz.
Where were we? AHHHH YES. Some of the Denver results are coming in now. In Douglas County, home of the Denver suburb Parker, Romney has won by a cool 14%. CNN just brought in Erin Burnett for some analysis! THANK YOU!
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| The next Festung Europa Girl of the Month? |
FOCUS. FOCUS. Word just came into CNN that we may be getting the rest of the Colorado Republican results in the next ten minutes. I sure hope so. I burning time drinking Shock Top Wheat IPA, an Anheuser-Busch creation, that is among the worst IPAs that I've ever had. With 64% of precincts in Colorado reporting, Santorum is now ahead by a handful of votes. Santorum 37%, Romney 37%. Colorado Springs' precincts haven't reported at all and as a result, I'm wagering now Santorum is going to win Colorado. "OMG!" -Wolf Blitzer. Fuck off, Wolf. Let's get some analysis from a real specialist like Erin Burnett. Jefferson County just came in and Romney squeaked out a win by only a couple of hundred votes. Romney's fucked. He was supposed to win Denver big time. This is actually starting to get exciting. This Shock Top Wheat IPA is a drain pour. Sorry to all those kids in Africa. Now I'm tasting Uinta Yard Sale Winter Lager, a Vienna-style beer from Utah. This one isn't as bad as the Shock Top Wheat IPA but it's definitely not a winner.
11:01 PM EST: Colorado Republican chairman has just announced on CNN that Rick Santorum has won Colorado! Sweet Jesus, thank you! IT'S A SANTORUM SWEEP!!!!!! I wish this Uinta beer was as exciting as the results.
Slight delay. I had to call Justin to inform him of these crazy results. He was stunned that Anal Mess won Colorado. After all, Romney won Colorado last time around with 60%. We also discussed an upcoming mega beer trade that we have brewing (pardon the pun). Hopslam, a 10% abv Double IPA from Bells Brewery, will be released shortly and I am hoping Justin can secure me a case of the shit. If you're interested in Double IPAs and live in the Midwest, you better be on your game, as Hopslam will be released VERY soon.
11:45 PM EST: Colorado (99% reporting): Santorum 40%, Romney 35%, Gingrich 13%, Paul 12%
Huge fucking night for Santorum. I wish I was always this excited for Anal Mess. (Ed. note: Enough already!) Maine will announce its caucus results in the next week, but besides Maine, we won't have any more primaries until Feb. 28th when Michigan and Arizona vote. Stay tuned!
Aaron Nielsen
Addendum: Fucking Republican primaries. I cover these ditz-fests for the good of the blogosphere, but after six beers, I feel the need to buy 36 rabbit's feet for my cat. Fuck you, Republicans and technology.
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