Election Night Party: Live Blogging!

November 07, 2012

Election Night Party: Live Blogging!

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA II HAS BEEN RE-ELECTED*

CUE CIVIL UNREST!!!!

OBAMA: 332, ROMNEY: 206

(*According to sources, the New Black Panther Party scared off over 10,000,000 voters! More to come!)

1:49 AM: Obama has just given his victory speech. No recounts and no reason for bat shit crazy Republicans to cry foul. This election was a motherfucking beat down that the polls suggested (maybe even underestimated). Democrats hold a monopoly on Science, Logic, and Reason in the United States today and it's time for Republicans to move into the 19th century (let alone the 21st century). It's time to move forward. Are you fired up? Are you ready to go? After all, we do live in the land of hope and dreams.

1:09 AM: Fox Noise is speculating on possible candidates for the 2016 election. I guess it's my turn. Fuck, I'll probably be giggling about this prediction four years from now but here it is. Democratic Mayor of San Antonio Julian Castro vs. Republican Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie with Christie pulling off an easy victory. Joe Biden is out of his fucking mind if he thinks he has any chance at running for president and the Democrats should not be tempted to nominate him in 2016. I guess Hillary is a wild card and could possibly win in 2016, but she just seems to be getting old and slowing down. Just now in from Fox News and possibly my favorite comment by them all night: "The other winner tonight: Nate Silver... Whiz kid at the New York Times.... He nailed it." Thanks folks. And fuck it, the Miami-Dade County poll workers went home in a very strong Democratic district. Obama is winning in Florida right now anyhow, so I'm chalking Florida up for Obama.

12:50 AM: Romney has congratulated Obama and conceded. He will be speaking shortly. Virginia has been called for Obama. Florida is still up in the air and likely in the Obama column.

12:40 AM: Romney still won't concede. Interesting news about the Congress. Michele Bachmann is neck and neck with her opponent deadlocked at 50/50 still at this late hour. Steve King, congressman of Iowa, has won re-election over Tom Vilsack's wife, Christie, which is a bummer but not all that surprising. Bob Kerrey was soundly defeated in the Nebraska Senate race. Not surprising, just disappointing.

12:35 AM: What the fuck? Was Puerto Rico voting on whether they wanted to become a state tonight and not a single American outlet reported it? Fuck, I learned about this just now from a kind Icelander that I met during my summer trip.

12:21 AM: Romney still hasn't conceded. What a douche. He thinks they still may win Ohio. IT DOESN'T MATTER! Colorado and Nevada are more than enough for Obama. Virginia and Florida are both likely to go to Obama.
Electoral college tally: Obama 290, Romney 203
Aaron beer tally: 1 Maui Big Swell IPA, 2 New Belgium Frambozen, 1 Maine Beer Spring Peeper Ale, 1 750mL 3 Fonteinen Oude Geuze

11:57 PM: Karl Rove is saying that Ohio is still undecided. What a dickhead. Colorado and Nevada have went to Obama, likely with Virginia and Florida to follow, so Ohio doesn't even matter, dumbfuck.

11:15 PM: Obama WINS! Ohio goes to Obama! Party time! Just cracked my 2010 bottle of Drie Fonteinen Oude Gueze and here's the skinny: Pours a hazy golden orange appearance with a nice off white head. Nose is just full of funk, tart lemon, cheese, dust, and basement notes. Super delicious. Tangy, rich tart lemon, musty, a bit chewy, dusty, super funky, mdoerately sour, tannic oak flavor with a spritzy mouth feel. Simply world class and an all-time favorite! I really wish I could drink this baby more often.

11:05 PM: Obama wins Iowa. Time to crack my victory beer, 3 Fonteinen Oude Geuze.

11:05 PM: Colorado has become the first state to legalize marijuana!

11:00 PM: California, Hawaii, and Washington to Obama. Idaho to Romney. Megyn Kelly: "Boy, I bet the Republicans would have liked to have won California. Har har har har ha ha." You dumb slut. CNN is finally calling Wisconsin for Obama. North Carolina is being called for Romney. NC was quite close, surprisingly.
Electoral college tally: Obama 244, Romney 193
Aaron beer tally: 1 Maui Big Swell IPA, 2 New Belgium Frambozen, 1 Maine Beer Spring Peeper Ale

10:45 PM: Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin is toast. He's conceding the Missouri Senate race to Claire Bear right now. What a bat shit crazy creep. Minnesota has been called for Obama. Virginia and Florida are really fucking close. Ohio is trending to Obama.

Electoral college tally: Obama 172, Romney 174

Aaron beer tally: 1 Maui Big Swell IPA, 2 New Belgium Frambozen

10:20 PM: New Hampshire to Obama. This Maine brew is quite good. I have my 3 Fonteinen Oude Geuze warming up for my celebration beer. Colorado Marijuana Legalization Measure: 52% in favor, 48% against with 10% reporting. Claire McCaskill has been re-elected in Missouri. This is just another seat that a decent, non-bat-shit-crazy Republican could have won. Way to go, Claire Bear!

Anne Hathaway: Let me reveal this: I voted for Obama!

9:55 PM: Maine Beer Spring Peeper Ale pours a hazy yellow appearance with a very nice, bubbly, off-white head. The hops in the nose are still very potent and fresh with a strong floral/herbal element going on. The flavor of the hops has faded a bit and there's a fairly chewy/doughy flavor going on but this is some residual spicy, herbal hops. Like I mentioned previously, Maine Beer makes some fantastic beers and has become a favorite of mine over the last year.

9:45 PM: Elizabeth Warren has defeated Scott Brown in Massachusetts!!!!!! Donnelly has won the Senate seat in Indiana. Well, no Republican control of the Senate. Ohio is trending to Obama and New Mexico has been called for Obama. Two Frambozens down. I have a bit dated bottle of Maine Beer Spring Peeper Ale that I'm going to try. Maine Beer has released some very solid brews since opening just a couple of years ago.
Electoral college tally: Obama 158, Romney 153
Aaron beer tally: 1 Maui Big Swell IPA, 2 New Belgium Frambozen

Elizabeth Warren: Scott Brown's cock size is this big [erect].

9:28 PM: Sorry to not mention this earlier, but Romney enthusiast, Brad N., who projected Romney to capture 538 electoral votes has been eliminated from our predict the electoral college vote. Thanks for playing, Brad! Enjoy that Darkness!

9:23 PM: Pennsylvania to Obama. Republicans have been bullshitting all week about how tight Pennsylvania is but the truth is that it was a fucking beat down.
Electoral college tally: Obama 148, Romney 153
Aaron beer tally: 1 Maui Big Swell IPA, 1 New Belgium Frambozen

Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson: Vote for Barry and we'll have a threesome with you!

9:02 PM: Linda McMahon, wife of WWE CEO Vince McMahon, has been defeated in her second attempt to win one of Connecticut's Senate seats in the last two years. Just popped my second Frambozen, though I would prefer to be tasting a $3 glass of Surly Darkness on tap in Minnesota like our Romney correspondent, Brad N. Colorado and Wisconsin are too close to call. Kansas, Nebraska (at least 3 of 5 electoral votes), Louisiana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Texas, and Wyoming to Romney. Michigan has already been called for Obama along with New Jersey and New York. Exit polls in Colorado have a dead heat whereas Minnesota is projected to go 50/47 to Obama and Wisconsin 52/46 to Obama. Interesting to see the exit polls in Wisconsin to be stronger for Obama than Minnesota.
Electoral college tally: Obama 123, Romney 152
Aaron beer tally: 1 Maui Big Swell IPA, 1 New Belgium Frambozen

8:37 PM: Florida has Obama at 51% with 56% of the vote in. That's fairly good news for him. With 24% of the votes in Virginia, Romney has a lead at 56%. Obama has a 58/40 lead in Ohio with 20% of the precincts reporting. Romney is leading 52 to 47 nationally with 5% reporting. Donnelly has a 50/45 lead in the race for Indiana Senate. This should have been a lock for the Republicans, but then the Republican candidate, Richard Mourdock, said that getting pregnant from rape is a gift from God.
Electoral college tally: Obama 78, Romney 71
Aaron beer tally: 1 Maui Big Swell IPA, 1 New Belgium Frambozen

8:05 PM: Bill O'Reilly: Obama will only win because of Hurricane Sandy. Fuck you, Bill.

8:01 PM: With 35% of the vote in for Florida, Obama has the lead with 52%. Lots of states just closed. I just cracked open a New Belgium Frambozen which was just released here in Fort Collins in the last week. This is a classic holiday brew here in Colorado and is a brown ale with notes of black raspberries and spices. Frambozen is very easy to drink and highly recommended! Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Maine (at least 3 of 4), and Rhode Island to Obama. Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, and Oklahoma to Romney.
Electoral college tally: Obama 78, Romney 71
Aaron beer tally: 1 Maui Big Swell IPA

7:38 PM: Google has a handy election tracker that I recommend. South Carolina for Romney. 18 states close at 8:00pm EST. Rachel Maddow and MSNBC are really obnoxious to the point where I'm back to Fox News. Time to slam this Maui brew!

Maggie Gyllenhaal: I'm for Barry!

7:30 PM: Polls just closed in Ohio and CNN is providing us with some exit poll data: North Carolina 49/49 (wow!) and Ohio: Obama 51/Romney 48. North Carolina's exit poll is very promising for Obama. With 25% of the vote tallied in Florida, Obama 52%/Romney 48%. Romney nabs West Virginia.
Current tally: Romney 24, Obama 3

7:21 PM: Chad Nielsen just called into headquarters to check in on my predictions. Colorado polls don't close for a couple of hours, so we'll have to wait a while on some of the special measures on this year's Colorado ballot. We have reports that Romney voters are being turned away from opining her on Festung Europa. I will have to check with our site comment editor, King Samir Shabaz, as to whether he's intimidating any of our readers. Rachel Maddow is already saying that Romney is getting butt fucked. Enough of this bullshit, time for some CNN. Ohio closes in just a few minutes.
Current tally: Romney 19, Obama 3

7:11 PM: David Gergen on CNN is suggesting that the exit polls in Virginia are not good news for Romney. I would agree, but we'll see how accurate CNN's exit polls are. I just popped open my first brew of the night: Maui Brewing Big Swell IPA. Usually, this IPA has a really nice, fresh grapefruity flavor, but this one tastes pretty bland, old, and bready. I'd give it a 4.5/10.

7:00 PM: Fox News is saying that neither candidate even has a slight lead in Virginia based on their exit polls. CNN's exit poll in Virginia is 49/49. Yeoow. Kentucky has been called for Romney and Vermont for Obama.
Current tally: Romney 8, Obama 3

6:56 PM: Hot damn. Despite a late running class, I had just enough time to get home with the necessary provisions: more beer, Mountain Dew, chips, and dip. Kentucky and Indiana have already closed their polls and the results are coming in slowly. Neither state was competitive, so these should be Romney victories. Virginia and six other states are closing very soon!