US Election Preview, Part II
Last night we checked in on some of the candidates and their relative likelihood of winning. President Obama is clinging to leads in a number of swing states, but this election will not be determined at the very least until the polls close tomorrow at 7:00 pm EST in Ohio. According to Nate Silver of 538, should Obama carry Ohio, he has a 95% of victory in the Electoral College. Here is a fun tool to analyze the various scenarios that may occur tomorrow night. The race may very well be over before we get to the Colorado results, but I am planning on performing my patriotic duty and voting.
Would you rather see Snoop Dogg playing the inauguration in January 2013 or Vanilla Ice?
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| Go ahead. Vote for Romney or I'll make your day. |
Early voting has been occurring at Colorado State University in Fort Collins, Colorado since October 22. In fact, some have even alleged that Obama supporters were giving away free pizza at CSU in exchange for votes! Today, I showed up at the early polling location in the Lory Student Center on CSU campus to cast my vote for Obama in exchange for a slice of pizza when I was turned away. Evidently, early voting has been going on for over two weeks, but they did not have early voting today. Or did they? Here's the conversation that I had with the gentleman (real-life depiction to the right) at the polling location today.
Aaron: I'm here to vote.
Polling manager: ID please?
Aaron: There's no ID law in Colorado, dipshit.
Aaron: There's no ID law in Colorado, dipshit.
Polling manager: Don't make this difficult. Please offer some form of identification. Do you happen to have your concealed weapon carry permit?
Aaron: I have my ACLU lifetime membership card if that helps. My Sierra Club card doesn't have my photo.
Aaron: I have my ACLU lifetime membership card if that helps. My Sierra Club card doesn't have my photo.
Polling manager. I'm sorry but there is no early voting today.
Aaron: What the fuck?
Polling manager: Step back or I'll pump your guts full of lead.
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| Samir: I'm here to keep things fair! |
Well, it went down something like that. Being denied my vote at CSU is nothing new to me. Back in 2004, I was forced out of a polling location after they discovered I was wearing a "Ralph Nader for President" button on my back pack. Unfortunately, voter intimidation is taking place all across America. I am proud to say that some good Americans are doing their patriotic duty and serving as poll watchers to make sure nothing mischievous happens during the vote. King Samir Shabazz, a leader of a local New Panther Party, is one of those fine Americans. As many of you many remember, Shabazz did a fine job of watching a polling location back in 2008 and today, many are following suit. My dear old great uncle, Bob Nelson of Exira, IA, had a number of fine Republicans watch as he counted some of the early votes in Audubon County. One thing we know for sure is that this election will be carefully watched by many, so there's no need to cry foul when the results come out. I'm guessing it's inevitable that at about 10:00 pm tomorrow, Megyn Kelly and Sean Hannity will start crying about "voting irregularities", "ACORN", and "voter suppression."
Many of our readers have still not voted, so here's a last minute guide to selecting a candidate. Celebrity endorsements can be a great help in choosing a candidate.
Are you more of a Scarlett Johansson fan or a Meat Loaf fan?
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| I'm with bursting with enthusiasm for Barry! |
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| I'm a twit for Mitt! |
Would you rather score front row tickets to see Bruce Springsteen at the Meadowlands in New Jersey or Donny and Marie at the Tabernacle in Salt Lake City?
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| We wear the same Magic Underpants as Mitt! |
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| Trust me. Obama WAS born in the USA. |
Would you rather see Snoop Dogg playing the inauguration in January 2013 or Vanilla Ice?
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| B-Rock is in the hizouse |
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| Mitt is a ninja. Go ninja, go ninja, GO! |
At this point, you should have a candidate to vote for and the knowledge that your vote will be safely tallied by the local division of ACORN. What now? As I alluded to in my post last night, it's time to grab a pizza, a shit load of good beer, and park in front of TV. Six hours of nonstop viewing of CNN, MSNBC, or Fox Noise will require plenty of good beer, so do not skimp on your beer bill for election night. Here's some of the brews that I'll be tasting!
Be sure to similarly stock up on plenty of booze and check in tomorrow, Election Tuesday, for up to the moment coverage here on Festung Europa!
[Two late predictions have arrived here at the Political Desk at Festung Europa. The venerable and wise Mildred Meyer of Exira phoned into our headquarters tonight to submit her prediction: Obama wins with 281 electoral votes. Computer Science prodigy Brad Nielsen of Minnesota submitted his prediction via the Mojo Wire: Romney wins with 538 electoral votes.]
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