Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag
Hi ya, folks, it's I again, Mark Kingsley, whom you might remember as Camouflage Mariner from the 1980's hit GBCN series, Back to Saskatchewan, eh. It has been a long time, a long winter, eh, but now the days are long and relatively warm, even here in the North Country, the skeeters are plentiful and it is time to blow the dust off the post which has accumulated.
A lot of you continue to write to the Defensemaster, which is still appropriate, as the title was officially inherited by Gonar, Gatekeeper to the Outer Galaxy, who as you may know, made a daring recovery mission to the glowing ruins of Festung Europa to retrieve the former Defensemaster's remains. Gonar kept the skull, and I am proud to say that Mystic Master did a great job of turning into a beer mug. If any of you are interested, eh, we here at GBCN can provide you information for turning your loved ones into drinking vessels after they have gone on to the great beyond. It is, how shall I say, a unique memento and sure to be a topic of conversation at the next family reunion. Send your requests in care of this station.
Since we haven't been on the air in a while, let's recap for those gentle viewers out there, just what has transpired in the past few months, eh. As you may remember, following the fall of Festung Europa, Xarlon forces laid siege to the beautiful spires of Aquaburg, that jewel of high civilization on the lakes of the high prairie. Well, things did look rather bleak as the outer defense perimeters were breached, eh, but just as the Napoleonic forces were lured into cannon range at Kolberg, the brave, progressive citizenry of Aquaburg pounced, decimating the Xarlon legions in a hail of blaster fire. Once the lines had stabilized, Gonar was able to reconstruct a portion of a power grid of the type once used around Fortress Immacula to keep the Xarlons at bay, proving his mettle as a Defensemaster. We here in Uranium City are fortunate to have reconstructed our power grid as well, providing us with the necessary protection against Xarlon infiltrators as well as enabling us to reach you, the wonderful GBCN viewers in the fifty-six nations of the free world!
This Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag is brought to you by the friendly folks at TM Laboratories, makers of that favorite powdered energy drink, Poon Tang. If you need to stay up all night, think Poon Tang! An' by, Anby!
(cut to sequence, Anby anb his bab are briving bown the roab...)
Anby: Bab, bib you bring the Bick Cookie?
Bab: Gobbammit, Anby. I bibn't bring it.
Anby: But it's Saturbay the Fourteenth! What are we boing to bo?
Bab: Let's heab over to Granbma's, Anby. She'll befinitely have a Big Chocolate Bick Cookie.
Anby: That's a super booper ibea, Bab!
Announcer: Anby. They wanted to call him Andy, but they didn't have a "d" in their alphabet.
The mailbag is truly overflowing here in Uranium City, eh, so let's get right to it! Oh, our first letter is coded. Hey, Peter Lou, can you bring over the MEDUSA encoding device?
Peter Lou Demerius: Sure thing, Mark. (creaking sound)
Mark: Great! Let's put this message through the decoder and see what we come up with, eh?
(curious beeps and whirring noises)
Oh, my! It is a message from none other than Gonar himself.
MEDUSAMEDUSAMEDUSAMEDUSA Metroplex ops underway, new "Deal with God" initiative extremely successful. Xarlon HQ underwater as is greater Metroplex. Xarlon command completely destroyed. This is our day, Friday the 13th, 2008. Our long mission is finally complete. The Defensemaster would be proud. Tomorrow we shall celebrate our glorious victory with shots of milk and the Big Chocolate Dickcookie. Hail Stingray! Gonar out. MEDUSAMEDUSAMEDUSAMEDUSA
Well, that certainly IS a cause for celebration, eh. Peter Lou, did you whip up some Dick Cookie last Saturday?
Peter Lou Demerius: Hell yeah, Mark. Being a master chef, Third World arms dealer and all-around epicurian, I never miss my Dick Cookie. Besides, it's bad luck if you do!
Mark: So true, my friend, so true, eh. Did you go for the traditional or try something different?
Peter Lou: I did a bit of both, Marky. I put together a sort of lingam-yoni, ying-yang con-cock-tion featurin', of course, a traditional chocolate, chocolate chip Big Chocolate Dick Cookie, accented on the side with one of my own creations, a German Chocolate Kunt Kake.
Mark: Wow, that sounds finger-licking good!
Peter Lou: I got da idea from our old friend, Dr. Ted Solomon, who thought it would be an appropriate way to channel sexual energies, akin to Taoist sexual yoga.
Mark: Peter Lou, what the fuck is Taoist sexual yoga?!
Peter Lou: You don't wanna know, Mark.
Mark: We'll leave it at that folks. Hey, what is the MEDUSA device doing?
(bells and whistles)
Peter Lou: It looks like we're gettin' a coded facsimile, Mark.
Mark: Let's see what we're getting, eh.
Mark: Uh, what is it?
Peter Lou: From dis chef's perspective, it looks like a case of DDC. Deformed Dick Cookie.
Mark: Well, it is a valiant effort, nonetheless. While it may not be representative of the schlong of the King of the Zulus, or even that of Sherman Hemsley, the beloved George Jefferson of 70's TV, it still makes an impression. It is kind of a black and white mixture with the chocolate chips, sort of like the latest fad in American presidential candidates.
Peter Lou: Yeah. But once ya dig in with a shot of milk as a chaser, it's dat first taste explosion in the mouth dat makes da difference.
Mark: That's quite a bit to chew on right now, so we'll leave it at that for this edition of the mailbag folks! Don't worry, eh, we'll be back soon with more of your letters!
A lot of you continue to write to the Defensemaster, which is still appropriate, as the title was officially inherited by Gonar, Gatekeeper to the Outer Galaxy, who as you may know, made a daring recovery mission to the glowing ruins of Festung Europa to retrieve the former Defensemaster's remains. Gonar kept the skull, and I am proud to say that Mystic Master did a great job of turning into a beer mug. If any of you are interested, eh, we here at GBCN can provide you information for turning your loved ones into drinking vessels after they have gone on to the great beyond. It is, how shall I say, a unique memento and sure to be a topic of conversation at the next family reunion. Send your requests in care of this station.
Since we haven't been on the air in a while, let's recap for those gentle viewers out there, just what has transpired in the past few months, eh. As you may remember, following the fall of Festung Europa, Xarlon forces laid siege to the beautiful spires of Aquaburg, that jewel of high civilization on the lakes of the high prairie. Well, things did look rather bleak as the outer defense perimeters were breached, eh, but just as the Napoleonic forces were lured into cannon range at Kolberg, the brave, progressive citizenry of Aquaburg pounced, decimating the Xarlon legions in a hail of blaster fire. Once the lines had stabilized, Gonar was able to reconstruct a portion of a power grid of the type once used around Fortress Immacula to keep the Xarlons at bay, proving his mettle as a Defensemaster. We here in Uranium City are fortunate to have reconstructed our power grid as well, providing us with the necessary protection against Xarlon infiltrators as well as enabling us to reach you, the wonderful GBCN viewers in the fifty-six nations of the free world!
This Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag is brought to you by the friendly folks at TM Laboratories, makers of that favorite powdered energy drink, Poon Tang. If you need to stay up all night, think Poon Tang! An' by, Anby!
(cut to sequence, Anby anb his bab are briving bown the roab...)
Anby: Bab, bib you bring the Bick Cookie?
Bab: Gobbammit, Anby. I bibn't bring it.
Anby: But it's Saturbay the Fourteenth! What are we boing to bo?
Bab: Let's heab over to Granbma's, Anby. She'll befinitely have a Big Chocolate Bick Cookie.
Anby: That's a super booper ibea, Bab!
Announcer: Anby. They wanted to call him Andy, but they didn't have a "d" in their alphabet.
The mailbag is truly overflowing here in Uranium City, eh, so let's get right to it! Oh, our first letter is coded. Hey, Peter Lou, can you bring over the MEDUSA encoding device?
Peter Lou Demerius: Sure thing, Mark. (creaking sound)
Mark: Great! Let's put this message through the decoder and see what we come up with, eh?
(curious beeps and whirring noises)
Oh, my! It is a message from none other than Gonar himself.
MEDUSAMEDUSAMEDUSAMEDUSA Metroplex ops underway, new "Deal with God" initiative extremely successful. Xarlon HQ underwater as is greater Metroplex. Xarlon command completely destroyed. This is our day, Friday the 13th, 2008. Our long mission is finally complete. The Defensemaster would be proud. Tomorrow we shall celebrate our glorious victory with shots of milk and the Big Chocolate Dickcookie. Hail Stingray! Gonar out. MEDUSAMEDUSAMEDUSAMEDUSA
Well, that certainly IS a cause for celebration, eh. Peter Lou, did you whip up some Dick Cookie last Saturday?
Peter Lou Demerius: Hell yeah, Mark. Being a master chef, Third World arms dealer and all-around epicurian, I never miss my Dick Cookie. Besides, it's bad luck if you do!
Mark: So true, my friend, so true, eh. Did you go for the traditional or try something different?
Peter Lou: I did a bit of both, Marky. I put together a sort of lingam-yoni, ying-yang con-cock-tion featurin', of course, a traditional chocolate, chocolate chip Big Chocolate Dick Cookie, accented on the side with one of my own creations, a German Chocolate Kunt Kake.
Mark: Wow, that sounds finger-licking good!
Peter Lou: I got da idea from our old friend, Dr. Ted Solomon, who thought it would be an appropriate way to channel sexual energies, akin to Taoist sexual yoga.
Mark: Peter Lou, what the fuck is Taoist sexual yoga?!
Peter Lou: You don't wanna know, Mark.
Mark: We'll leave it at that folks. Hey, what is the MEDUSA device doing?
(bells and whistles)
Peter Lou: It looks like we're gettin' a coded facsimile, Mark.
Mark: Let's see what we're getting, eh.
Mark: Uh, what is it?
Peter Lou: From dis chef's perspective, it looks like a case of DDC. Deformed Dick Cookie.
Mark: Well, it is a valiant effort, nonetheless. While it may not be representative of the schlong of the King of the Zulus, or even that of Sherman Hemsley, the beloved George Jefferson of 70's TV, it still makes an impression. It is kind of a black and white mixture with the chocolate chips, sort of like the latest fad in American presidential candidates.
Peter Lou: Yeah. But once ya dig in with a shot of milk as a chaser, it's dat first taste explosion in the mouth dat makes da difference.
Mark: That's quite a bit to chew on right now, so we'll leave it at that for this edition of the mailbag folks! Don't worry, eh, we'll be back soon with more of your letters!
Comments