Checking In with the Man About Town
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's that time once again, after a long, long intermission, to check in with the pulse of American culture, our Iowa correspondent, Man About Town, and everyone's friend and co-worker, Loren Christensen! Let's see if we can get a connection...
Loren, are you there?
(Rolling Stones' Hip Shake music plays in background)
Loren?
YEAH. I'M HERE. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Loren, it's me, Chris from Festung Europa...
FESTUNG EUROPA?! I THOUGHT THAT RAG MET ITS DEMISE LONG AGO.
Well, no actually, it sort of got brought back.
BORED, CHRIS?
Kind of, yeah. Well, we've had a lot of comments from concerned, albeit gentle readers, that they wished that things were, shall we say, more like they used to be. So, far be it for me to deny the public what they want!
FUCK 'EM.
Well, that thought had crossed my mind too, but in the joyful spirit of brotherhood and cooperation, let's just say we're reviving things a bit.
THANK GOD FOR THAT.
So tell me, Loren, how are things this fine day in the great Midwest?
CLOUDY.
Do you have any special summer projects underway.
SMOKING ON MY DECK.
That certainly is productive, and healthful to boot. Do you and your family have a vacation planned this summer?
MOUNTAIN CLIMBING.
Care to elaborate on that?
NO.
I don't recall you being known for your brevity in the past, so I'll change the subject. Let's take a look at politics. What are your thoughts on the 2008 American presidential campaign?
NONE OF THEM ARE WORTH A SHIT.
Uh, OK. Let's turn to your personal involvement with the community, then. In year's past, you given your annual right-wing address to the community at the Kimballton, Iowa, Memorial Day commemoration. Could you sort of summarize your address for us this year?
DID NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY, SO I DID NOT DO IT THIS YEAR. I AM TIRED OF SPOUTING THAT GODDAMM RHETORICAL BULLSHIT SO A COUPLE OF OLD CODGERS WHO HAVE YEARS AGO FORGOTTEN I EVEN EXIST CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES AND THEIR BARELY MEASURABLE CONTRIBUTIONS TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN THEIR OWN PERSONAL NEEDS. LOOK AT THE YOUNG GUY IN HIS UNIFORM, I BET IVAN IS SO PROUD. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I WILL NOT FEIGN SUPPORT FOR THIS STUPID WAR ANY LONGER TO ANYONE, NOT EVEN DICK ANDERSON. MAYBE BY NOT BEING THERE SOMEONE, IF EVEN ONE PICKED UP ON THE FACT THAT EVEN LOREN IS OUT NOW!!!*
Um, well, there you have it folks! And you thought we weren't going to be treated to a typical rant this time around! Thanks so much for your thoughts and your time, Loren, and stay cool! We'll check in with you after your mountain climbing adventure.
(Cue Sound of Music, Climb Every Mountain.)
*Editor's note: I think this essay by Chris Hedges at Salon sums up Loren's new way of thinking quite well.
CRM
Loren, are you there?
(Rolling Stones' Hip Shake music plays in background)
Loren?
YEAH. I'M HERE. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Loren, it's me, Chris from Festung Europa...
FESTUNG EUROPA?! I THOUGHT THAT RAG MET ITS DEMISE LONG AGO.
Well, no actually, it sort of got brought back.
BORED, CHRIS?
Kind of, yeah. Well, we've had a lot of comments from concerned, albeit gentle readers, that they wished that things were, shall we say, more like they used to be. So, far be it for me to deny the public what they want!
FUCK 'EM.
Well, that thought had crossed my mind too, but in the joyful spirit of brotherhood and cooperation, let's just say we're reviving things a bit.
THANK GOD FOR THAT.
So tell me, Loren, how are things this fine day in the great Midwest?
CLOUDY.
Do you have any special summer projects underway.
SMOKING ON MY DECK.
That certainly is productive, and healthful to boot. Do you and your family have a vacation planned this summer?
MOUNTAIN CLIMBING.
Care to elaborate on that?
NO.
I don't recall you being known for your brevity in the past, so I'll change the subject. Let's take a look at politics. What are your thoughts on the 2008 American presidential campaign?
NONE OF THEM ARE WORTH A SHIT.
Uh, OK. Let's turn to your personal involvement with the community, then. In year's past, you given your annual right-wing address to the community at the Kimballton, Iowa, Memorial Day commemoration. Could you sort of summarize your address for us this year?
DID NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY, SO I DID NOT DO IT THIS YEAR. I AM TIRED OF SPOUTING THAT GODDAMM RHETORICAL BULLSHIT SO A COUPLE OF OLD CODGERS WHO HAVE YEARS AGO FORGOTTEN I EVEN EXIST CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES AND THEIR BARELY MEASURABLE CONTRIBUTIONS TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN THEIR OWN PERSONAL NEEDS. LOOK AT THE YOUNG GUY IN HIS UNIFORM, I BET IVAN IS SO PROUD. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I WILL NOT FEIGN SUPPORT FOR THIS STUPID WAR ANY LONGER TO ANYONE, NOT EVEN DICK ANDERSON. MAYBE BY NOT BEING THERE SOMEONE, IF EVEN ONE PICKED UP ON THE FACT THAT EVEN LOREN IS OUT NOW!!!*
Um, well, there you have it folks! And you thought we weren't going to be treated to a typical rant this time around! Thanks so much for your thoughts and your time, Loren, and stay cool! We'll check in with you after your mountain climbing adventure.
(Cue Sound of Music, Climb Every Mountain.)
*Editor's note: I think this essay by Chris Hedges at Salon sums up Loren's new way of thinking quite well.
CRM
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