Interesting People on the Fringe: This Week - The Ultimate Warrior

Well, if you were an early visitor to the blog today, you may have seen another version of this weekly post regarding another interesting person on the fringe. And it seems as though I cut a little too close to the bone on that one, and so, in respect to my friends, I have deleted the post. But, being an advocate of free expression and anti-censorship, I will be happy to email this "forbidden" post to those who request it.

Speaking of cutting to close to the bone, that reminds me of another type of body mutilation, this time branding, and that leads me to the topic of this week's new and improved interesting person on the fringe, Todd Johnson.

Todd Johnson, a.k.a. The Ultimate Warrior, was a big, not too bright dude that lived with Stingray and Tim Pinkston during the fall of 1989 and spring of 1990. They had an apartment together south of Highway 30 in Ames. Todd used to work as a tow truck operator, which gave him first dibs on interesting pieces of roadkill. Stingray related to me a story once of waking groggily very early in the morning to a commotion in the kitchen. On the kitchen table, Todd was busy hacking up a deer carcass that was the result of an collision on Interstate 35 that evening. The blood and guts of the display, not to mention Todd's lacking skills in proper butchery, convinced Stingray to return quickly to his basement abode.

I remember hanging out one Sunday in the Fall of 1989, I believe it was the day before classes started, when Guy and I were visiting Stingray downstairs. Todd enjoyed being called The Ultimate Warrior, who was also a popular pro wrestler of the day, and thought it would be cool to get a brand (yes, like what they do to cattle and black fraternity brothers) on his forearm symbolizing this status. I mentioned that I had experience in this area (not really, only once prior), and that he should choose the Tyr rune, an ancient Viking symbol for the god, Tyr, who was a god of war and justice. I also pointed out to him that this would take 3 brands in total, as we, of course, didn't have access to a ready-made arrow symbol for this rune. All we had, in fact, was an old metal coathanger. Todd said he was up for it, at which point I said I needed a lighter to heat the coathanger, and that it would be best for Guy and Stingray to hold Todd steady, in the event that the pain of the brand would make him flinch and ruin it. Afterwards, I was pretty much convinced of his status as one tough dude as one, the three brands were successful, and two, the man didn't flinch an inch. I do know that afterwards, Todd got pretty drunk and ended up passed out and puking in a lawn chair on the patio. But he didn't regret it, at least in the immediate aftermath, as he was showing off his mark the next weekend at the bar.

Another thing Todd was known for was the red light in his upstairs bedroom. You may remember that old Brady Bunch episode, "When that red light is on, we're on the air!"; well, Todd was broadcasting his sexual escapades to anyone who wanted to watch when his red light was on. Tim and Stingray related stories about watching him in action. On one occasion, the girl looked at both of them, standing at the edge of the bed, smoking cigarettes and enjoying the show, and asked, "Do you mind?", to which Tim replied, "No, go ahead." Once Guy and I were visiting again, when Pinkston said that the light was on. We crept up the stairs, silent as mice, and peeked in the room. What had happened in this case, was that Todd and his "girlfriend" for the evening had passed out, both lying on their backs, side by side. Since there was nothing to see here, Pinkston thought at this point that it would be a good idea to take the girl's bra off, but unable to properly undo it, it ended up just getting ripped off and thrown aside. Both of them remained dead to the world. Then I got the novel idea to pour honey all over her exposed bosom, which would, of course, raise certain questions when Todd awoke with her the next morning. Quickly going downstairs to the kitchen, all I could find was a bottle of Log Cabin maple syrup. Improvisation was called for. But when I tipped the bottle, I had rather forgotten that maple syrup runs out of the bottle a lot faster than honey. As I drenched her in the sticky stuff, she bolted upright with a shriek. I have never seen Guy move that fast before in my life. We all sailed down two flights of stairs in what seem like two steps, raced into Stingray's lair and locked the door. The next weekend, as I was DJ-ing at the bar, this lovely lady came up to the booth and said, "I know what YOU did!", at which point I said that I would be happy to come over to her place, only this time with honey.

Todd fell off the radar screen for all concerned after that spring. I do remember him showing up once at Top of the Town, maybe a year later, still proud of his brand as The Ultimate Warrior. I think he had found work in Ohio, or someplace like that.

To Todd, The Ultimate Warrior, wherever you are...Sláinte!