Big Chocolate Dick Cookie
Today is Friday the 13th, a traditionally “unlucky” day in the Western tradition, so if you are triskaidekaphobic, please keep in mind that there is indeed a way to thank the fates on Saturday should you make it through Friday the 13th unscathed: Big Chocolate Dick Cookie.
What exactly is Big Chocolate Dick Cookie, you ask? It is a large, pan-sized cookie in the shape of a penis, complete with a couple of testicles at the base for good measure. It all came about 17 years ago on another October 14th in 1989. Stingray and I had shown up at his apartment south of Ames, drunk, stoned and hungry at three in the morning. What was in the refrigerator? Nothing, save for a tube of Pillsbury chocolate, chocolate chip cookie dough, and a gallon of milk. So let’s make cookies, we thought. In forming the cookie dough, however, Stingray decided upon an age-old symbol of fertility: a large phallus. It was brown, wide and large enough to make any NBA star jealous. We popped this beauty in the oven and, about 20 minutes later, had a delicious late night treat. But what should accompany the warm, gooey chocolatelyness of the Big Chocolate Dick Cookie? Why, shot glasses filled with milk, of course! A bit of dick cookie, followed by slamming a shot of cold, Anderson Erickson two-percent. Awesome! It was a fix that could be enjoyed by any preschooler: a real sugar high. Cured the munchies, and we had a ritual in the making.
As other cults and traditions have their phallic fertility cults (the Norse sculptures of the god, Freyr, complete with large, engorged penis come to mind), we decided to create our own ritual for celebrating surviving Friday the 13th. Every Saturday the 14th we would gather together to toast our fortunes with shots of milk and a bit of dick cookie. Not to bake a Big Chocolate Dick Cookie on Saturday the 14th meant a string of bad luck until you could redeem yourself on the next one, usually many months in advance, except every once in a while in February and March, which could turn into double whammy dick cookie. So, on one of the subsequent Saturday the 14th’s, Guy and I invited folks at the bar over to our place after close to partake of the dick cookie. Now, it may have been Sunday the 15th by the clock, but according to Guy’s and my sense of time, the new day didn’t officially begin until you after you had slept. As Einstein said, time is relative. Anyway, after we took the Big Chocolate Dick Cookie out of the oven, a couple of waitresses from Top of the Town, Joan and Denise, actually set up a kind of race in our apartment where they would scoot across the wooden floors on office chairs to snatch some dick cookie, down a shot of milk and race back to the other side. Now if you had an alien anthropologist from another planet drop in and view this, he would probably think it indeed was some kind of fertility cult. And I think I wasn’t the only dude present at this ceremony who didn’t feel some kind of perverted, lusty pleasure at watching these two blondes beg, race and fight each other over the dick cookie. Cool! It was freaking awesome!
So, goddamn it, I know you want to have a bit of Big Chocolate Dick Cookie tomorrow, so go on out and pick up yourself a roll of Pillsbury chocolate, chocolate chip cookie dough. Or, if you are culinarily talented, mix up your own. If you live in Amsterdam, mix some hashish into it for a really trippin’ dick cookie. Plop the roll down in the pan. Mold your dick cookie. Feel its power. I know you enjoy it. Make it an individual work of art. Go ahead, do it! Pop it in the oven, and enjoy. And don’t forget the shots of milk!
What exactly is Big Chocolate Dick Cookie, you ask? It is a large, pan-sized cookie in the shape of a penis, complete with a couple of testicles at the base for good measure. It all came about 17 years ago on another October 14th in 1989. Stingray and I had shown up at his apartment south of Ames, drunk, stoned and hungry at three in the morning. What was in the refrigerator? Nothing, save for a tube of Pillsbury chocolate, chocolate chip cookie dough, and a gallon of milk. So let’s make cookies, we thought. In forming the cookie dough, however, Stingray decided upon an age-old symbol of fertility: a large phallus. It was brown, wide and large enough to make any NBA star jealous. We popped this beauty in the oven and, about 20 minutes later, had a delicious late night treat. But what should accompany the warm, gooey chocolatelyness of the Big Chocolate Dick Cookie? Why, shot glasses filled with milk, of course! A bit of dick cookie, followed by slamming a shot of cold, Anderson Erickson two-percent. Awesome! It was a fix that could be enjoyed by any preschooler: a real sugar high. Cured the munchies, and we had a ritual in the making.
As other cults and traditions have their phallic fertility cults (the Norse sculptures of the god, Freyr, complete with large, engorged penis come to mind), we decided to create our own ritual for celebrating surviving Friday the 13th. Every Saturday the 14th we would gather together to toast our fortunes with shots of milk and a bit of dick cookie. Not to bake a Big Chocolate Dick Cookie on Saturday the 14th meant a string of bad luck until you could redeem yourself on the next one, usually many months in advance, except every once in a while in February and March, which could turn into double whammy dick cookie. So, on one of the subsequent Saturday the 14th’s, Guy and I invited folks at the bar over to our place after close to partake of the dick cookie. Now, it may have been Sunday the 15th by the clock, but according to Guy’s and my sense of time, the new day didn’t officially begin until you after you had slept. As Einstein said, time is relative. Anyway, after we took the Big Chocolate Dick Cookie out of the oven, a couple of waitresses from Top of the Town, Joan and Denise, actually set up a kind of race in our apartment where they would scoot across the wooden floors on office chairs to snatch some dick cookie, down a shot of milk and race back to the other side. Now if you had an alien anthropologist from another planet drop in and view this, he would probably think it indeed was some kind of fertility cult. And I think I wasn’t the only dude present at this ceremony who didn’t feel some kind of perverted, lusty pleasure at watching these two blondes beg, race and fight each other over the dick cookie. Cool! It was freaking awesome!
So, goddamn it, I know you want to have a bit of Big Chocolate Dick Cookie tomorrow, so go on out and pick up yourself a roll of Pillsbury chocolate, chocolate chip cookie dough. Or, if you are culinarily talented, mix up your own. If you live in Amsterdam, mix some hashish into it for a really trippin’ dick cookie. Plop the roll down in the pan. Mold your dick cookie. Feel its power. I know you enjoy it. Make it an individual work of art. Go ahead, do it! Pop it in the oven, and enjoy. And don’t forget the shots of milk!
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