Election Update
Well, folks, it's that time again, time for mid-term elections in the good old U.S. of A. Come November 7th, the people will cast their ballots and decide. There are a number of interesting races this year, and in Iowa, there is a close gubernatorial contest between Republican Congressman, Jim Nussle, and Democratic Secretary of State, Chet Culver. To get a local perspective of just how this race is shaping up, who better to check in with than our Iowa correspondent and Man about Town, Loren Christensen. Loren, can you hear me?
THAT'S A NICE DRESS YOU'RE WEARING TODAY.
Uh, Loren, are you there?
PERHAPS WE COULD GET TOGETHER AFTER WORK FOR A DRINK OR TWO?
Loren?
HUH?
Loren, it's me again, Chris from Festung Europa. Tell me, what are your thoughts on the upcoming election on November 7th?
OH, WELL THANKS, CHRIS, AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS IS A REPORT I HAVE BEEN HOPING TO PUT OFF FOR SOME TIME GIVEN THE FACT THAT AN OLD STORY CAME INTO MY MIND. IN 1984, I HAD THE FORTUNE TO BE NAMED TO THE VARSITY SQUAD IN MIGHTY ELK HORN AS THE RESULT OF THE STARTING CENTER, OF ALL THINGS, TO BE BUSTED FOR OMVI. THIS LEFT ANDY ANDERSON AND ME SPARRING FOR THE SAME SPOT--HE BEING A YEAR OLDER AND 40 LBS. HEAVIER OBVIOUSLY LEFT THE YOUNG LOREN AT A DISADVANTAGE.
WELL, WE FOUGHT AND STROVE AND PERISHED, COUNTLESS TIMES APON A STAR. AS IF THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS OF ONE MILLION CLICHES LOST IN TRANSLATION, ALL CAME TO THE FRONT AT ONCE ON THE WAY TO THE LOCKER ROOM AFTER A LONG OCTOBER PRACTICE THAT YEAR. HE AND I WERE WALKING ABOUT 10 YARDS BEHING THE COACHES. JUST CLOSE ENOUGH TO HEAR, ALTHOUGH THEY DID NOT KNOW WE WERE THERE. THEY WENT ON AND ON AS TO THE QUANDARY OF WHAT TO DO ABOUT A OVERT AND UNAVOIDABLE DECISION WHICH THEY NEEDED TO MAKE ON THE VERY NEXT PRACTICE:
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TA TELL YA, COACH. NEITHER ONE OF 'EM 'ER WORTH A SHIT."
KIND OF PUT THINGS IN A NEW PERSPECTIVE AND WE BOTH REALIZED AT ONCE HOW RIDICULOUS WE WERE AND LOOKED IF ONLY TO OURSELVES. THE GOOD THING IS THAT IT HAPPENED TO US, AND WE GREW THAT DAY, AT LEAST ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT THE WORLD DID NOT REVOLVE AROUND US.
THESE CHARACTERS, HOWEVER, HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH A GROWING EXPERIENCE. IF THEY HAVE, THEY DID NOT SEE IT.
THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT NEITHER OF OUR PARTIES' CANDIDATES IS WORTH A SHIT AND BOTH PARTIES KNOW IT, WHETHER IT IS FOR GOVERNOR OR OTHERWISE. TRUTH IS, ESPECIALLY AT THE STATE AND LOCAL LEVEL, BOTH PARTIES ARE THE SAME IN ALMOST EVERY ARENA. "I BELIEVE IN EDUCATION" SO THEN WHAT? THE OTHER GUY DOESN'T??? "I BELIEVE IN CLEAN WATER!!!" "YEAH, WELL I DON'T!!!!" I BELIEVE THAT CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE, I BELIEVE THAT THE ELDERLY SHOULD BE CARED FOR. I BELIEVE THAT SMALL TOWN AMERICA IS THE FOUNDATION OF HOW OUR NATION WAS BUILT.
I BELIEVE I'LL HAVE ANOTHER DRINK BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE FULL OF SHIT!
THERE ARE VIRTUALLY NO DIFFERENCES IN THE PLATFORMS OF THE STATE'S PARTIES OTHER THAN THE AGE OLD CRY OF "YOU WANT TO SPEND ALL MY MONEY!", OR "YOU WANT TO KILL ALL THE BABIES!" OR "YOU WANT TO MAKE US ALL SLAVES TO YOUR WILD RELIGIOUS BELIEFS!", OR "YOU WOULD BE AT WAR WITH HALF THE WORLD IF YOU WERE IN OFFICE!", OR "YOU WILL TURN US INTO A POLICE STATE!", OR "YOU WOULD TURN US INYO A WELFARE STATE!"...
TRUTH IS, IF EITHER PARTY HAD ANY REAL, SUBSTANTIVE ANSWERS, THEY WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT THEM.
CAN'T WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT...SOMETHING LIKE THE MADONNA ADOPTION?
Well, there you have it folks, straight from the American heartland, and as usual, our correspondent can see through the B.S. to get at the heart of the matter. Thanks, Loren, for your insightful commentary, and we'll be checking back with you again, soon!
THAT'S A NICE DRESS YOU'RE WEARING TODAY.
Uh, Loren, are you there?
PERHAPS WE COULD GET TOGETHER AFTER WORK FOR A DRINK OR TWO?
Loren?
HUH?
Loren, it's me again, Chris from Festung Europa. Tell me, what are your thoughts on the upcoming election on November 7th?
OH, WELL THANKS, CHRIS, AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS IS A REPORT I HAVE BEEN HOPING TO PUT OFF FOR SOME TIME GIVEN THE FACT THAT AN OLD STORY CAME INTO MY MIND. IN 1984, I HAD THE FORTUNE TO BE NAMED TO THE VARSITY SQUAD IN MIGHTY ELK HORN AS THE RESULT OF THE STARTING CENTER, OF ALL THINGS, TO BE BUSTED FOR OMVI. THIS LEFT ANDY ANDERSON AND ME SPARRING FOR THE SAME SPOT--HE BEING A YEAR OLDER AND 40 LBS. HEAVIER OBVIOUSLY LEFT THE YOUNG LOREN AT A DISADVANTAGE.
WELL, WE FOUGHT AND STROVE AND PERISHED, COUNTLESS TIMES APON A STAR. AS IF THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS OF ONE MILLION CLICHES LOST IN TRANSLATION, ALL CAME TO THE FRONT AT ONCE ON THE WAY TO THE LOCKER ROOM AFTER A LONG OCTOBER PRACTICE THAT YEAR. HE AND I WERE WALKING ABOUT 10 YARDS BEHING THE COACHES. JUST CLOSE ENOUGH TO HEAR, ALTHOUGH THEY DID NOT KNOW WE WERE THERE. THEY WENT ON AND ON AS TO THE QUANDARY OF WHAT TO DO ABOUT A OVERT AND UNAVOIDABLE DECISION WHICH THEY NEEDED TO MAKE ON THE VERY NEXT PRACTICE:
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TA TELL YA, COACH. NEITHER ONE OF 'EM 'ER WORTH A SHIT."
KIND OF PUT THINGS IN A NEW PERSPECTIVE AND WE BOTH REALIZED AT ONCE HOW RIDICULOUS WE WERE AND LOOKED IF ONLY TO OURSELVES. THE GOOD THING IS THAT IT HAPPENED TO US, AND WE GREW THAT DAY, AT LEAST ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT THE WORLD DID NOT REVOLVE AROUND US.
THESE CHARACTERS, HOWEVER, HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH A GROWING EXPERIENCE. IF THEY HAVE, THEY DID NOT SEE IT.
THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT NEITHER OF OUR PARTIES' CANDIDATES IS WORTH A SHIT AND BOTH PARTIES KNOW IT, WHETHER IT IS FOR GOVERNOR OR OTHERWISE. TRUTH IS, ESPECIALLY AT THE STATE AND LOCAL LEVEL, BOTH PARTIES ARE THE SAME IN ALMOST EVERY ARENA. "I BELIEVE IN EDUCATION" SO THEN WHAT? THE OTHER GUY DOESN'T??? "I BELIEVE IN CLEAN WATER!!!" "YEAH, WELL I DON'T!!!!" I BELIEVE THAT CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE, I BELIEVE THAT THE ELDERLY SHOULD BE CARED FOR. I BELIEVE THAT SMALL TOWN AMERICA IS THE FOUNDATION OF HOW OUR NATION WAS BUILT.
I BELIEVE I'LL HAVE ANOTHER DRINK BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE FULL OF SHIT!
THERE ARE VIRTUALLY NO DIFFERENCES IN THE PLATFORMS OF THE STATE'S PARTIES OTHER THAN THE AGE OLD CRY OF "YOU WANT TO SPEND ALL MY MONEY!", OR "YOU WANT TO KILL ALL THE BABIES!" OR "YOU WANT TO MAKE US ALL SLAVES TO YOUR WILD RELIGIOUS BELIEFS!", OR "YOU WOULD BE AT WAR WITH HALF THE WORLD IF YOU WERE IN OFFICE!", OR "YOU WILL TURN US INTO A POLICE STATE!", OR "YOU WOULD TURN US INYO A WELFARE STATE!"...
TRUTH IS, IF EITHER PARTY HAD ANY REAL, SUBSTANTIVE ANSWERS, THEY WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT THEM.
CAN'T WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT...SOMETHING LIKE THE MADONNA ADOPTION?
Well, there you have it folks, straight from the American heartland, and as usual, our correspondent can see through the B.S. to get at the heart of the matter. Thanks, Loren, for your insightful commentary, and we'll be checking back with you again, soon!
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