News from the Summer Vacation Front
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again to check in with our Iowa correspondent and Man About Town, Loren Christensen, who returned a few weeks ago from a family summer vacation in Colorado. Let's see if we have a connection. Loren, can you hear me?
HEY BABE, GUESS WHAT I STUDIED IN COLLEGE. (Woman giggles.)
Uh, Loren, are you there?
I STUDIED PHILOSOPHY! LET ME SHOW YOU THE MEANING OF LIFE, HON. (More giggles.)
Loren!
UH, YEAH? WHO'S THERE? (Giggling continues.)
Loren, it's me, Chris from Festung Europa...
AH YES, WHERE THE ANSWER TO ALL QUESTIONS IS YES... AND NO!
Yeah, that's right. Loren, do you have a few minutes for us?
YEAH, SURE MAN. GO GET US SOMETHING TO DRINK WILL YA? (Door closes.)
Loren, you took a summer vacation with your family a few weeks ago. Could you perhaps tell our gentle following a bit about it?
WELL SURE, CHRIS! MY FAMILY DROVE OUT TO DENVER ON FRIDAY AND GOT THERE ON SATURDAY, JULY 7TH. I WORKED THAT SATURDAY AND FLEW OUT ON SUNDAY. (BOY WERE MY ARMS TIRED.) THANKS FOLKS YER A DYN-O-MITE CROWD, NO I'M JUST KIDDIN'. WE LEFT THE HOTEL AFTER I ARRIVED ABOUT 7:00 A.M. LOCAL TIME,
WHEN I WAS IN THE AIRPORT, I NEEDED TO FIND A TAXI TO GET TO THE HOTEL THEY WERE ALL STAYING IN. THE CABBY CHEWED MY ASS OUT CUZ, "SHE HAD BEEN WAITING THERE FOR THREE HOURS AND NOW I'LL BE IN THE BACK AGAIN," WHATEVER THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN.
OK, then what did you do?
THEN WE HEADED FOR THE MOUNTAINS. ESTES PARK COLORADO IS 7500 FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL AT ALL ITS LIMITS, ONE OF THE HIGHEST CITIES IN THE NORTHER HEMISPHERE. (NO WONDER I LIKE IT SO MUCH! HE HE HE!) WE ARRIVED AT OUR CABIN NAMED PARADISE ISLE AT ABOUT 5:00 SUNDAY EVENING. THE CABIN IS ABOUT 100 METERS FROM THE WILD BASIN ENTRANCE TO ROCKY MOUNTAIN NATIONAL PARK, COMMISSIONED BY PRESIDENT THEODORE ROOSEVELT SOME 100 YEARS EARLIER. THIS FIRST PARK SET OF THE MOVEMENT WHICH EVENTUALLY LED TO MORE THAN A DOZEN ADDITIONAL NATIONAL PARKS AND FORESTS THROUGHOUT THE WEST. THANK GOD FOR ROOSEVELT.
WITHOUT HIM IT SURELY WOULD HAVE BEEN GOBBLED UP BY NOW SO THAT ONLY THE RICHEST AMONG US COULD GO THERE. AS IT IS, IT IS A POOR MAN'S PARADISE. A GUY COULD HANG OUT THERE FOR A WEEK EVEN NOW ON A HUNDRED BUCKS.
Interesting. I'll bet there was an abundance of cool, lodge architecture, with rough furnishings and light fixtures of elk horn.
YEAH, IT WAS A COOL ATMOSPHERE.
What was on the itinerary as you started the week?
MONDAY WAS ABOUT WATER:
TWELVE MILES OF WHITE WATER RAFTING ON THE CACHE LE PUDRE RIVER WHICH IS NORTH WEST OF FORT COLLINS. WE CHOSE THE MORE AGGRESSIVE RIVER STRETCH SO AS TO MAKE IT INTERESTING AND A LITTLE SCARY, ALL GOOD THINGS. I JOKED TO KAREN THAT KEVIN BACON WOULD BE CHASING US TO HER OVERWHELMING APPROVAL. THE TRIP LASTED THREE HOURS AND INCLUDED TWO BOATERS AND A GUIDE FALLING IN , ONE LOST SHOE, LOST GLASSES, ETC. BUT NO INJURIES.
KAREN'S BROTHER MIKE AND HIS WIFE CHRISTIE WERE THERE THAT DAY AS THEY WERE IN DENVER FOR SOME FOOTBALL DEAL FOR THEIR SON, ALEX.
HAD A MEAL IN THE DOWNTOWN SALOON IN FORT COLLINS THAT COULD NOT BE BEAT. DROVE UP TO THE CABIN AND SAT IN MY HOT TUB AND DRANK SOME GOOD SCOTCH.
Sounds like an adventuresome yet relaxing day.
TUESDAY WE DECIDED TO GO UP ON THE ROOF.
The roof?
YEAH, THAT IS THE LOCAL JARGON FOR THE TOP OF CONTINENTAL DIVIDE INSIDE THE PARK, JUST NORTH OF LONGS PEAK WHICH IS, I BELIEVE THE FOURTH TALLEST PEAK IN COLORADO. WE HIKED FROM THE ROAD TO THE SUMMIT AND HUNG OUT FOR AWHILE ADMIRING THE VIEW AS WELL AS GETTING OUR PULSES DOWN (WE WERE ABOVE 12,000 FEET AT THAT POINT, I BELIEVE IT WAS 12,600 FT.) HAD LUNCH AT THE RANGER POST AT THE TOP. WE DROVE UP THERE IN MY WIFE'S 2006 DODGE DURANGO WHICH PERFORMED LIKE A CHAMP. CAME BACK INTO TOWN AND ATE AT THE ESTES PARK BREWERY. GREAT DAY.
Nothing like a bit of shameless Dodge promotion...
OF COURSE! WEDNESDAY WAS HIKING DAY: THERE IS A MOUNTAIN IN THE PARK CALLED LILLY MOUNTAIN THAT GOES UP TO ABOUT 10,300 FEET AND IS CONSIDERED A MOUNTAIN THAT BEGINNERS CAN PULL OFF. AWAY WE WENT, STARTING AT ABOUT 9:00 A.M. BY ABOUT NOON WE WERE 3/4 OF THE WAY UP. AT THIS POINT THE KIDS MUTINIED, MAKING IT NECESSARY FOR US TO THROW THEM OFF... JUST KIDDING AGAIN THERE FOLKS. NO, WE LEFT THEM TO EAT THEIR LUNCH AND USING KAREN'S GPS UNIT WE LOCKED THEIR COORDINATES IN IN CASE WE GOT LOST. WORKED GREAT.
Yes, thank God for modern technology! How could we live without it?
WELL, WE MADE IT TO THE TOP ABOUT 45 MINUTES LATER AND LO' AND BEHOLD THERE WAS A MIDDLE-AGED GERMAN STANDING THERE WHICH WE VISITED WITH FOR SOME 30 MINUTES BEFORE HEADING DOWN AGAIN.
Yeah, they're everywhere, especially on mountain tops.
WEDNESDAY NIGHT WE PLAYED PUTT PUTT GOLF AND DROVE GO CARTS IN THE EVENING AND ATE AT A BREAKFAST JOINT KNOWN AS THE EGG AND I. THAT WAS THE NIGHT THE BEAR HUNG OUT BY OUR CABIN ALL NIGHT LONG ATE SOME GARBAGE AND DRANK SOME BEER OUT OF THE DUMPSTER.
I've had nights like that myself. But seriously, wow, did you see the bear? I remember seeing a black bear in Pennsylvania; I have never seen a mammal run that fast in a sprint. If one were after you, you'd be fucked.
YES, WE HAD A FULL GROWN BLACK BEAR THAT WAS IN OUR DUMPSTER EVERY NIGHT. THE DUMPSTER EVEN HAD ANTI BEAR RODS ON THE TOP THAT THE BEAR FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET OFF. THE RANGERS CAME OVER EVERY MORNING TO MAKE A REPORT. ON ONE HAND, IT WAS FUN, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IT WAS A LITTLE SECRETLY UNNERVING TO HAVE AN ANIMAL OF THAT SIZE POKING AROUND THE CABIN. IF HE WANTED TO HE COULD EASILY HAVE COME INSIDE. CONDITIONED MOOCHES HAVE A WAY OF BECOMING MORE AGGRESSIVE WITH TIME THE RANGERS DISCLOSED TO ME, BUT TOLD ME TO KIND OF KEEP IT TO MYSELF AND MAKE SURE NO ONE WANDERED OFF ALONE. SO THAT IS WHAT I DID....IF THEY CAN'T GET THE PROBLEM FIXED THE BEAR MAY HAVE TO BE PUT DOWN. THAT MAKES ME A LITTLE SAD.
And you encountered this creature on an up close and personal level?
YES, THE BEAR TRIED TO COME UP RIGHT BY ME WHEN I WAS HAVING A SMOKE. WE BOTH LOOKED RIGHT AT EACH OTHER. THE BEAR KIND OF SHRUGGED AT ME LIKE "SHIT, HE'S STILL HERE" AND THEN PROCEEDED TO WALK ACROSS THE STREAM. HE LOOKED BACK ONE MORE TIME TO MAKE SURE I WAS THERE AND THEN DISAPPEARED. I REALLY ENJOYED THE EXPERIENCE. THE BEAR CAME BACK LATER THAT NIGHT AND REALLY KICKED ASS ON THE TRASH CAN, THOUGH. BY THE WAY, THIS WAS NO PLAIN TRASH CAN, IT WAS A FULL SIZE DUMPSTER THE BEAR PULLED IT OVER AND THEN KNOCKED THE PINS OUT.
Perhaps you're lucky he didn't knock the pins out of you!
YEAH, NO SHIT. ANYWAY, THURSDAY WE WENT UP THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN ON TRAIL HORSES. STEEP TERRAIN: KARL WAS LITTLE SCARED, BUT I THINK THAT CAN BE GOOD THING. KIDS NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT LIFE IS NOT A GAME THAT CAN BE LOST AND SIMPLY RESTARTED AT ANY APPROPO TIME. WE MADE SUPPER AT HOME AND PACKED AND THEN IT WAS OFF TO SLEEP. A VERY DEEP SLEEP I MIGHT ADD. FRIDAY IT WAS BACK TO CIVILIZATION. WHAT A FUCKIN' LETDOWN. GREAT TIME FOR ALL.
Wow, it sounds like you had a great time, Loren. Thanks for sharing your experiences with our gentle Festung Europa readers!
NO PROBLEMO, CHRIS. AH, LOOKS LIKE MY SCOTCH JUST ARRIVED. (Woman giggles.)
I'll let you get back to uh, whatever you're doing. We'll check in with you again soon, Loren!
HEY BABE, GUESS WHAT I STUDIED IN COLLEGE. (Woman giggles.)
Uh, Loren, are you there?
I STUDIED PHILOSOPHY! LET ME SHOW YOU THE MEANING OF LIFE, HON. (More giggles.)
Loren!
UH, YEAH? WHO'S THERE? (Giggling continues.)
Loren, it's me, Chris from Festung Europa...
AH YES, WHERE THE ANSWER TO ALL QUESTIONS IS YES... AND NO!
Yeah, that's right. Loren, do you have a few minutes for us?
YEAH, SURE MAN. GO GET US SOMETHING TO DRINK WILL YA? (Door closes.)
Loren, you took a summer vacation with your family a few weeks ago. Could you perhaps tell our gentle following a bit about it?
WELL SURE, CHRIS! MY FAMILY DROVE OUT TO DENVER ON FRIDAY AND GOT THERE ON SATURDAY, JULY 7TH. I WORKED THAT SATURDAY AND FLEW OUT ON SUNDAY. (BOY WERE MY ARMS TIRED.) THANKS FOLKS YER A DYN-O-MITE CROWD, NO I'M JUST KIDDIN'. WE LEFT THE HOTEL AFTER I ARRIVED ABOUT 7:00 A.M. LOCAL TIME,
WHEN I WAS IN THE AIRPORT, I NEEDED TO FIND A TAXI TO GET TO THE HOTEL THEY WERE ALL STAYING IN. THE CABBY CHEWED MY ASS OUT CUZ, "SHE HAD BEEN WAITING THERE FOR THREE HOURS AND NOW I'LL BE IN THE BACK AGAIN," WHATEVER THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN.
OK, then what did you do?
THEN WE HEADED FOR THE MOUNTAINS. ESTES PARK COLORADO IS 7500 FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL AT ALL ITS LIMITS, ONE OF THE HIGHEST CITIES IN THE NORTHER HEMISPHERE. (NO WONDER I LIKE IT SO MUCH! HE HE HE!) WE ARRIVED AT OUR CABIN NAMED PARADISE ISLE AT ABOUT 5:00 SUNDAY EVENING. THE CABIN IS ABOUT 100 METERS FROM THE WILD BASIN ENTRANCE TO ROCKY MOUNTAIN NATIONAL PARK, COMMISSIONED BY PRESIDENT THEODORE ROOSEVELT SOME 100 YEARS EARLIER. THIS FIRST PARK SET OF THE MOVEMENT WHICH EVENTUALLY LED TO MORE THAN A DOZEN ADDITIONAL NATIONAL PARKS AND FORESTS THROUGHOUT THE WEST. THANK GOD FOR ROOSEVELT.
WITHOUT HIM IT SURELY WOULD HAVE BEEN GOBBLED UP BY NOW SO THAT ONLY THE RICHEST AMONG US COULD GO THERE. AS IT IS, IT IS A POOR MAN'S PARADISE. A GUY COULD HANG OUT THERE FOR A WEEK EVEN NOW ON A HUNDRED BUCKS.
Interesting. I'll bet there was an abundance of cool, lodge architecture, with rough furnishings and light fixtures of elk horn.
YEAH, IT WAS A COOL ATMOSPHERE.
What was on the itinerary as you started the week?
MONDAY WAS ABOUT WATER:
TWELVE MILES OF WHITE WATER RAFTING ON THE CACHE LE PUDRE RIVER WHICH IS NORTH WEST OF FORT COLLINS. WE CHOSE THE MORE AGGRESSIVE RIVER STRETCH SO AS TO MAKE IT INTERESTING AND A LITTLE SCARY, ALL GOOD THINGS. I JOKED TO KAREN THAT KEVIN BACON WOULD BE CHASING US TO HER OVERWHELMING APPROVAL. THE TRIP LASTED THREE HOURS AND INCLUDED TWO BOATERS AND A GUIDE FALLING IN , ONE LOST SHOE, LOST GLASSES, ETC. BUT NO INJURIES.
KAREN'S BROTHER MIKE AND HIS WIFE CHRISTIE WERE THERE THAT DAY AS THEY WERE IN DENVER FOR SOME FOOTBALL DEAL FOR THEIR SON, ALEX.
HAD A MEAL IN THE DOWNTOWN SALOON IN FORT COLLINS THAT COULD NOT BE BEAT. DROVE UP TO THE CABIN AND SAT IN MY HOT TUB AND DRANK SOME GOOD SCOTCH.
Sounds like an adventuresome yet relaxing day.
TUESDAY WE DECIDED TO GO UP ON THE ROOF.
The roof?
YEAH, THAT IS THE LOCAL JARGON FOR THE TOP OF CONTINENTAL DIVIDE INSIDE THE PARK, JUST NORTH OF LONGS PEAK WHICH IS, I BELIEVE THE FOURTH TALLEST PEAK IN COLORADO. WE HIKED FROM THE ROAD TO THE SUMMIT AND HUNG OUT FOR AWHILE ADMIRING THE VIEW AS WELL AS GETTING OUR PULSES DOWN (WE WERE ABOVE 12,000 FEET AT THAT POINT, I BELIEVE IT WAS 12,600 FT.) HAD LUNCH AT THE RANGER POST AT THE TOP. WE DROVE UP THERE IN MY WIFE'S 2006 DODGE DURANGO WHICH PERFORMED LIKE A CHAMP. CAME BACK INTO TOWN AND ATE AT THE ESTES PARK BREWERY. GREAT DAY.
Nothing like a bit of shameless Dodge promotion...
OF COURSE! WEDNESDAY WAS HIKING DAY: THERE IS A MOUNTAIN IN THE PARK CALLED LILLY MOUNTAIN THAT GOES UP TO ABOUT 10,300 FEET AND IS CONSIDERED A MOUNTAIN THAT BEGINNERS CAN PULL OFF. AWAY WE WENT, STARTING AT ABOUT 9:00 A.M. BY ABOUT NOON WE WERE 3/4 OF THE WAY UP. AT THIS POINT THE KIDS MUTINIED, MAKING IT NECESSARY FOR US TO THROW THEM OFF... JUST KIDDING AGAIN THERE FOLKS. NO, WE LEFT THEM TO EAT THEIR LUNCH AND USING KAREN'S GPS UNIT WE LOCKED THEIR COORDINATES IN IN CASE WE GOT LOST. WORKED GREAT.
Yes, thank God for modern technology! How could we live without it?
WELL, WE MADE IT TO THE TOP ABOUT 45 MINUTES LATER AND LO' AND BEHOLD THERE WAS A MIDDLE-AGED GERMAN STANDING THERE WHICH WE VISITED WITH FOR SOME 30 MINUTES BEFORE HEADING DOWN AGAIN.
Yeah, they're everywhere, especially on mountain tops.
WEDNESDAY NIGHT WE PLAYED PUTT PUTT GOLF AND DROVE GO CARTS IN THE EVENING AND ATE AT A BREAKFAST JOINT KNOWN AS THE EGG AND I. THAT WAS THE NIGHT THE BEAR HUNG OUT BY OUR CABIN ALL NIGHT LONG ATE SOME GARBAGE AND DRANK SOME BEER OUT OF THE DUMPSTER.
I've had nights like that myself. But seriously, wow, did you see the bear? I remember seeing a black bear in Pennsylvania; I have never seen a mammal run that fast in a sprint. If one were after you, you'd be fucked.
YES, WE HAD A FULL GROWN BLACK BEAR THAT WAS IN OUR DUMPSTER EVERY NIGHT. THE DUMPSTER EVEN HAD ANTI BEAR RODS ON THE TOP THAT THE BEAR FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET OFF. THE RANGERS CAME OVER EVERY MORNING TO MAKE A REPORT. ON ONE HAND, IT WAS FUN, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IT WAS A LITTLE SECRETLY UNNERVING TO HAVE AN ANIMAL OF THAT SIZE POKING AROUND THE CABIN. IF HE WANTED TO HE COULD EASILY HAVE COME INSIDE. CONDITIONED MOOCHES HAVE A WAY OF BECOMING MORE AGGRESSIVE WITH TIME THE RANGERS DISCLOSED TO ME, BUT TOLD ME TO KIND OF KEEP IT TO MYSELF AND MAKE SURE NO ONE WANDERED OFF ALONE. SO THAT IS WHAT I DID....IF THEY CAN'T GET THE PROBLEM FIXED THE BEAR MAY HAVE TO BE PUT DOWN. THAT MAKES ME A LITTLE SAD.
And you encountered this creature on an up close and personal level?
YES, THE BEAR TRIED TO COME UP RIGHT BY ME WHEN I WAS HAVING A SMOKE. WE BOTH LOOKED RIGHT AT EACH OTHER. THE BEAR KIND OF SHRUGGED AT ME LIKE "SHIT, HE'S STILL HERE" AND THEN PROCEEDED TO WALK ACROSS THE STREAM. HE LOOKED BACK ONE MORE TIME TO MAKE SURE I WAS THERE AND THEN DISAPPEARED. I REALLY ENJOYED THE EXPERIENCE. THE BEAR CAME BACK LATER THAT NIGHT AND REALLY KICKED ASS ON THE TRASH CAN, THOUGH. BY THE WAY, THIS WAS NO PLAIN TRASH CAN, IT WAS A FULL SIZE DUMPSTER THE BEAR PULLED IT OVER AND THEN KNOCKED THE PINS OUT.
Perhaps you're lucky he didn't knock the pins out of you!
YEAH, NO SHIT. ANYWAY, THURSDAY WE WENT UP THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN ON TRAIL HORSES. STEEP TERRAIN: KARL WAS LITTLE SCARED, BUT I THINK THAT CAN BE GOOD THING. KIDS NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT LIFE IS NOT A GAME THAT CAN BE LOST AND SIMPLY RESTARTED AT ANY APPROPO TIME. WE MADE SUPPER AT HOME AND PACKED AND THEN IT WAS OFF TO SLEEP. A VERY DEEP SLEEP I MIGHT ADD. FRIDAY IT WAS BACK TO CIVILIZATION. WHAT A FUCKIN' LETDOWN. GREAT TIME FOR ALL.
Wow, it sounds like you had a great time, Loren. Thanks for sharing your experiences with our gentle Festung Europa readers!
NO PROBLEMO, CHRIS. AH, LOOKS LIKE MY SCOTCH JUST ARRIVED. (Woman giggles.)
I'll let you get back to uh, whatever you're doing. We'll check in with you again soon, Loren!
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