Thoughts on the New Year from Stingray!

Ach, du lieber Gott! Just in time for the New Year, I get a special guest contribution from none other than Stingray, Benevolent Dictator and World Traveler. And on this, what seems to be the last evening of one Malevolent Dictator, Monsieur Saddam Hussein, let's start the Feast of St. Silvester a bit early with some words from Stingray!

(Cue Pachebel's Canon in D, loud as hell...)

Okay, I admit it. I am proud to be an American. These are poorly constructed thoughts and observations courtesy of Stingray for all those lost souls that cared and shared my air in 2006.

This submission is brought to you courtesy of the executive bullet point. Without those sassy little dots simplifying our lives and providing structure, all you have is prose. Shall we begin?

• I went to Mexico last week on vacation and found it to be full of Mexicans.
• It was pretty sad unless you were close to the shore.
• I got sick of Corona Exira* and couldn’t wait to leave.
• People in Mexico are short and look like Oompa Loompas.
• A lot of old fat guys were wearing Speedos. I don’t get it?...
• Most women look a lot better in clothes than on the beach in their bikinis.
• Most teenage girls look a lot better in bikinis.
• American children are fat and spoiled little shit heads.
• American parents are fat and spoiled big shit heads.
• If you would like to purchase drugs in Mexico just ask the fucked up beach waiter. You can tell this person by their bad breath and blood shot eyes. They assume the marijuana sale but cocaine is available as well. Be sure to make this purchase early in your vacation because taking it home is a bad idea. For the record, I did not buy drugs in Mexico.
• When I see people wearing sweat pants on airplanes I wish I could hit them on the head with a ham bone.
• Italian food in Mexico is different than Italian food in Iowa. And Italian food in Italy is different from Mexican food in Spain. And Indian food in England is different from Chinese food in Germany so fuck the food and have a cocktail.
• Here is something uplifting to think about: Everybody is going to get sick and die. It may be a slow death or it may be fast. It may hurt like hell and really suck or you can push the morphine button as often as allowed. Or you can die accidentally before your time, but you will die.
• Favorite movie line of 2006 – “Fuck as many women as you can.” - Alan Arkin, from the movie, Little Miss Sunshine.
• If you are 40 and don’t have kids yet, then don’t have kids.
• Stress is a bitch and will fuck you up both mentally and physically. My recommendation is to act with honesty and integrity, only stress about things within your control, and drink heavily.
• When I can’t sleep I think about all the people I have known throughout my lifetime. I can only come up with good thoughts about them. Some of them were complete dickheads and others total cunts, but I can’t seem to hate them anymore when I am trying to go to sleep.
• My favorite color is blue. Dark blue like the blue just before the day turns to night. Twilight blue? Indigo? Some kind of blue.
• The Mexican’s thought I was pissed off the whole vacation because I had on dark mirrored shades and didn’t smile much. I didn’t want them to try and sell me anything so I guess it worked.
• Marriage is a bold move.
• The hardest part about getting older for me is not being able to play sports. Broken ankles and fucked up knees leads to golf. You can drink and play golf. You can drink and drive little cars and play golf. It takes over 4 hours to drink, drive and hack your way around a golf course. I guess it’s not that bad after all.
• Smells and songs inspire vivid memories of adventures and people from the past. Incense and the Ocean. Green tree car air fresheners and Overjoyed. Ash tray floors, dirty clothes and filthy jokes. I don’t know.
• James Brown died on Christmas for all the soul sinners in the world. Or to save the souls of all the sinners in the world. James Brown did not want to die.
• I love little baby ducks, old pickup trucks, slow moving trains and rain. Tom T. Hall.
• I propose the following: On the stroke of midnight wherever you may be raise your glass and make a toast to me. Make it simple and keep it short. I hope it comes from the heart. Make it rhyme in your mind and I hope that you will find an inner peace and strength that leads you back to where you’re from. Sing! Doe a deer a female deer. Ray a drop of golden sun. Me a name I call myself. Far a long long way to run. Sew a needle pulling thread. La, a note to follow sew. Tea a drink with jam and bread. And that brings us back to your toast which should be tasteful, respectful, and nice.
• I like the rock and roll music a lot, but I just can’t keep up with what is “hot”. If anyone actually has read this far, could they please send the Defensemaster, DMSR, suggestions as to what I could be listening to right now.
• In closing let me make the following suggestions: Eat right. Bathe frequently. Be honest. Get your sleep. Fight about everything. Cock off. Ramble. Make no sense whenever possible. Interrupt people. Masturbate. Steal. Lie while being honest. Break stuff. Make messes. Never clean another toilet as long as you live. Be brash and arrogant. Piss people off. Eat you boogers. Fart in elevators. Blame others for your incompetence. Stab people in the back. Be rude. Eat like a pig. Get behind a professional football team. Hate people for no good reason. Go big. Get your ass deep into debt. Don’t read books or stay on top of current events. Follow the crowd. Don’t have an original thought or opinion. Peek into people's windows. Covet, covet, covet. Get fat. Don’t floss. Beat your kids. Take drugs if you need to. Be a know it all. Make fun of things you don’t understand. Cheat on your wife. Don’t pay taxes. Burn a cross in your yard. Use swear words often. In other words, be an American.

Goodbye 2006 – Bring on 2007

Stingray.


*Ed. note: Not a typographical error--meant of course is that wonderful, yeasty product of my hometown, Corona Exira.