Memorial Day: Thoughts from our Man About Town

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, gentle readers throughout the fifty-six countries of the free world, it is time once again to tune into our man who's got his hand on the pulse of the American public, our Iowa correspondent and Man About Town, Loren Christensen. Loren, can you hear me?

SHAMANA!

Loren?

SHAMANAMANUMANIMANA! HEY MAN, WHAT'S HAPPENING???

Loren, it's Chris again from Festung Europa, you know, where the answer to all questions is yes...and no! The US Memorial Day holiday is just around the corner, and I was wondering, are you attending the ceremonies with the Kimballton, Iowa AMVETS again this year? If so, what is your level of participation?

WELL, CHRIS, THIS YEAR, AS ALWAYS, WE ARE DOING CEREMONIES AT THE KIMBALLTON, JACKSONVILLE, AND BETHANY CEMETERIES. ITS A SOLEMN TWENTY MINUTE CEREMONY WHICH INCLUDES A PRAYER, POEM (FLANDERS FIELDS), THE NATIONAL ANTHEM, A MEMORIAL ADDRESS, AND 21 GUN SALUTE FOLLOWED BY TAPS PLAYED IN THE BACK OF THE CEMETERY. I WILL SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AND IF DICK'S HIP IS BOTHERING HIM CONDUCT THE FIRING SQUAD.

Does Colonel Dick Anderson still give his right-wing address to the community? What were some of his topics in recent years past?

HE HAS IN RECENT YEARS DELEGATED THAT RESPONSIBILITY TO ME AS WELL. I HAVE, IN THE LAST FEW YEARS TALKED A LOT ABOUT COMMITMENT TO AND FROM THOSE WHO SERVE OUT GREAT NATION. I TALK ABOUT THE COMMON SOLDIER WHO HAILS FROM NOWHERE, USA WHO GIVES HIS TIME, TALENT AND COMMITMENT TO SERVE THOSE WHOM HE HAS NEVER MET...I TALK ABOUT COMMITMENT TO ONES HOME AND WHAT HOME MEANS TO SOMEONE WHO HAS NOT SEEN IT IN A LONG TIME. THAT ONE GETS ME A LITTLE AS I RECALL WHEN I WAS IN SARAJEVO WONDERING IF I WOULD EVER SEE IT AGAIN. PLATO ALWAYS CALLED COMMITMENT TO SOIL AS "THE BIG LIE"; HOWEVER, I THINK THERE IS A CONNECTION BETWEEN A MAN AND THE SOIL FROM WHICH HE HAILS, PERHAPS ESPECIALLY IN FARMING COMMUNITIES. THE CONNECTION BETWEEN A PERSON AND THEIR HOME IS AS PERSONAL AS IT GETS. DICK TURNED IT OVER TO ME BECAUSE HIS ADDRESSES SOUNDED MORE LIKE LECTURES.

How does America reflect upon Memorial Day in a time of war? Do the current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan play a role in the remembrance? And are participants from these wars joining the Kimballton AMVETS upon their return?

AMERICA,TO A LARGE DEGREE, CONSIDERS MEMORIAL DAY JUST ANOTHER DAY OFF OF WORK. ANOTHER EVEN LARGER PORTION THINKS IT IS A TIME TO VISIT THEIR RELATIVES AT THE CEMETERY. AND ANOTHER VERY SMALL PORTION OF AMERICANS, MOSTLY IN SMALL TOWNS OR CAPITALS, GO TO CEMETERIES AND TOWN HALLS TO REMEMBER THEIR LOVED LOST SAILORS, AIRMEN, MARINES AND SOLDIERS. AS FAR AS THE WAR GOES. I PAY ATTENTION TO THE LIVES OF OUR LOCAL MILITARY MEMBERS. WE HAVE STARTED TO SEE SOME NEW MEMBERS COMING IN AND SOME OF THE OLD ONES ARE GETTING MORE INVOLVED.

THE MASS MEDIA HAS DEADENED OUR SENSES TO WHAT SERVICE TRULY MEANS. IN WARS PREVIOUS, EVERY BATTLE SCENE WASN'T TURNED INTO A HUMAN INTEREST STORY BECAUSE THE WEREN'T THERE. WHY??? BECAUSE THE INTENSITY OF THE BATTLE WAS SO SEVERE THAT THEY WEREN'T ALLOWED TO BE IN THE VICINITY. WE ARE IN A VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF WAR TODAY. IT IS TRUE WE DO NEED TO TO DECIDE ONCE AND FOR ALL WHO WE ARE FIGHTING...LET'S JUST MAKE SURE IT'S NOT EACH OTHER!

So, let's put the big strategic question to you. If you were running for President, what would your plan be for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan?

WE SHOULD INVITE THE U.N. WITH THE FRENCH RUNNING THE SHOW TO INVITEDLY TAKE OVER THE ADMINISTRATION OF THE PROTECTORATE OF IRAQ. THEIR CURRENT GOVERNMENT HAS NO CONTROL OF THE CENTER OF THE "NATION." THAT BEING SAID, THE POSITION OF MANY INCLUDING MYSELF FOR SOMETIME HAS BEEN TO RETURN THE NATION TO ITS PRE-WWI BORDERS, THEREBY ALLOWING THE VARIOUS NOBLES AND CLAN LEADERS TO ASSUME THEIR RIGHTFUL POSITION OF POWER WITHIN THEIR LOCAL INDIGENOUS COMMUNITIES'. NOMADIC CULTURES DO NOT THRIVE IN DEMOCRATIC SETTINGS. IF A FEW BONEHEADS IN WASHINGTON HAD READ THEIR FUCKING HISTORY LESSONS IN THE FOURTH GRADE THEY MAY HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT!

AFGHANISTAN IS A NECESSARY EVIL, I THINK. REDEPLOY THE TROOPS IN IRAQ TO THAT THEATER. SEND THE TRADITIONAL GUARDSMEN HOME AND INCREASE THE ARMY CAP IN CONGRESS BACK TO 650,000. TIME MUST BE SPENT TO REORGANIZE THE UNIT STRUCTURE ALLOW FOR COMP TIME FOR THE OFFICERS AND NCO'S ETC. ALSO, WE NEED TO EVALUATE CURRENT WEAPON STOCKPILES TO INSURE THAT WE ARE NOT OUT OF WHACK FOR FUTURE ENGAGEMENTS. FAST STRIKES INTO SOMALIA, SUDAN, ETHIOPIA AND YES, IRAN, ARE NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION, BUT WE CAN ILL AFFORD TO SPEAK SUCH RHETORIC WITHOUT AT LEAST 250,000 TROOPS READY, SEXED AND SUPPLIED.

LET ISRAEL AND IRAN GET IT OUT OF THEIR SYSTEM...IF THOSE BASTARDS WANT TO SPOIL FOR A FIGHT THEN LET'S STOP GETTING BETWEEN THEM AND MAKING OURSELVES THE TARGET. IT HAS BEEN AND IS STILL ABOUT ISRAEL, DAMN IT!!!!! WHY IS EVERYONE SO TERRIFIED ABOUT SAYING THAT????? THEY DO NOT CARE IF WE DRIVE FORDS AND DRINK SHINE, OR THAT OUR WOMEN LIKE TO DRESS LIKE HOOKERS. HELL, THEY LOVE IT. IT IS ISRAEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I'm sure the frogs are just jumping at the chance at that one, not to mention the charming thought of a hot Iran-Israel war! Wow, Loren, it has been a pleasure, as always. Thanks for sharing your comments with us, and have a nice Memorial Day holiday!