The Mark Kingsley Show: Intro

(Cue big band theme)

Ladies and Gentlemen, straight from Uranium City’s Prospector Theatre, it’s The Mark Kingsley Show!

Please join Mark tonight with his guests:

World Religions Expert, Dr. Ted Solomon

The Germanic Goddess of Spring, Ostara!

Festung Europa Astronomy Expert, Dr. Vincent Norby

And a special, musical guest, Eddie Puss and da Mudderfuggers!

Join me, Dick Dorkmeier, and the Hermann Göring Orchestra in a warm welcome for a man who is green in every aspect but his wallet, Mark Kingsley!

(applause)

(Mark comes out from behind the curtain, in front of which the huge sign, The Mark Kingsley Show, blinks in true Vegas fashion.)

Mark: (waving to audience) Thank you!

(more applause)

Mark: (humbly) You guys are great, eh!

(applause continues, Mark gestures to Hermann, who bows, as the applause increases somewhat)

Mark: Thank you.

(applause dies down, Hermann’s orchestra hits fanfare)

Mark: Thanks for the warm welcome, eh. Thank you. It is great to be back after a little absence.

Dick: Where have you been, Mark?

Mark: Vacationing, Dick! You don’t think I would spend all winter up here, do you, eh?

(laughter)

Dick: Uranium City offers something for everyone in every season.

Mark: True enough. But as you can see, I needed to go somewhere to get a tan.

Dick: Come on, Mark, since when isn’t Isolde’s Tanning Salon and Gun Shop not good enough for you?

(laughter)

Mark: A fake bake only gets you so far, Dick. I needed the warmth of the tropics, eh.

Dick: So where did you go then?

Mark: Saskatoon.

(laughter)

Dick: I see. Rehab, again?

(laughter)

Mark: Naa, this time it was for vacation, seriously. It’s 30 degrees warmer there…tropical in comparison to Lake Athabasca, eh.

Dick: What did you do for fun?

Mark: Isolde’s got another tanning salon and strip palace on the edge of town in Saskatoon, eh. I spent most of my time there.

(laughter)

Dick: What more could you ask for? A tan, lovely ladies, cocktails…Jamaica’s got nothing on Saskatoon, I see.

(laughter)

Mark: That’s the way I see it too, eh. Plus, my coupons for Uranium City are honored there!

(laughter)

Dick: Always looking for cheap thrill, eh Mark?

Mark: Cheap is the key word here, Dick: two for one on tans, margaritas and lap dances!

(laughter)

Dick: You can’t beat that.

Mark: Exactly. So who do we have on tonight’s program again, Dick?

Dick: Well, Mark, the theme for tonight’s program is Spring, seeing as though it starts officially tonight.

Mark: Interesting…are shots of Jägermeister in the offing?

(laughter)

Dick: Why, of course, Mark. We wouldn’t let you down.

Mark: Groovy. Who are our guests, eh?

Dick: Well, in honor of the occasion of the vernal equinox, we have managed to bring Ostara, Germanic goddess of spring to Uranium City.

(audience ooohs)

Mark: That had to be kind of difficult. Isn’t she busy?

Dick: No goddess is ever too busy for the God Bureau Cable Network, Mark.

Mark: True, true…especially the older ones. It’s hard enough finding converts nowadays. I guess they take whatever publicity they can get. At least she isn’t forced to do infomercials on GBCN to pay the bills like Isis does. Who else is on the show, eh?

Dick: We have as our first guest, Dr. Ted Solomon, retired Iowa State University professor of world religions.

Mark: Well, that should make for interesting conversation, the professor and the goddess.

Dick: That’s what were shooting for, Mark.

Mark: Outstanding. I saw Professor Vincent Norby backstage. Is he on the program as well?

Dick: Yes, Professor Norby will be on to discuss the latest in the heavens.

Mark: It looks like we have a rather cosmic line-up tonight, Dick. I’m excited, eh. Hermann, how are you doing this evening?

Hermann: (chuckling) Wunderbar, Mark!

Mark: When does your tour of Europa start?

Hermann: Ve start in a couple of veeks in London.

Mark: I’ll avoid the obvious jokes this time, Hermann.

(laughter)

Hermann: (laughing) Ja, dies time should be better. Ve hab a new album…it is a Konzept album.

Mark: What is it called, eh?

Hermann: Das Weisse Album. It is our interpretation of das Beatles White Album.

Mark: Interesting. Is it available now?

Hermann: Ja, it is available at the GBCN online shop und in head shops weltweit. Ve vould like to play a bit from it later.

Mark: Super. We’re looking forward to it, eh. And Hermann?

Hermann, Ja, Mark?

Mark: Hit it!

(Hermann turns to orchestra, which starts up with a snappy version of David Bowie’s Modern Love.)

Mark: We’ll be right back after these messages, folks!