The Mark Kingsley Show: What's On Yer Mind?
(Orchestra wraps up with a jazzed out version of Don’t Fear the Reaper.)
Mark (sitting at desk): We’re back from Uranium City, here on the beautiful shores of Lake Athabasca. We’ve got a great program lined up for you this evening. Ted Solomon is here, along with Ostara, Goddess of Spring, Professor Vincent Norby and Eddie Puss and da Mudderfuggers. Ladies and Gentlemen, you know what time it is again? It’s time to ask YOU…
All: WHAT’S ON YER MIND!
(Mark gets up from desk, Dick hands him a wireless microphone, and Mark runs out to the audience, stopping at the front row, where a bespectacled gentlemen in a sport coat is sitting.)
Mark: And how are you this evening, sir?
Gentleman: I’m fine, Mark, thanks.
Mark: And what might your name be?
Gentleman: Jeff…Jeff Marvin. Here’s my card. (hands him business card)
Mark: (chuckling) We aren’t offering a chance at a free lunch, Jeff!
(laughter)
Jeff: Well, you never know!
Mark: Fair enough. Thanks, eh. It says here you are a member of the Unification Church. Isn’t that the Moonies?
Jeff: We prefer the term “Unification Church”.
Mark: Who wouldn’t? (laughter) Moonies sounds kind of extraterrestrial.
(laughter)
Mark: So, Jeff, tell us…
All: WHAT’S ON YER MIND?!
Jeff: (smiling) Well, Mark, Ted and I drove up here, five days on the road from central Iowa, through lots of snow…
Mark (interrupting): Ah, so you drove with Ted Solomon, our first guest? Welcome to Uranium City!
Jeff: Thanks, Mark, thanks a lot. Anyway, we drove a long ways and we were wondering what you folks have in terms of cultural and entertainment offerings here in Uranium City.
Mark: Where are you folks staying?
Jeff: We got a couple of guest rooms over at Iguana Wanda’s West.
Mark: You couldn’t have picked a better place here in Uranium City, Jeff, especially as it is the ONLY place open this time of year.
(laughter)
Mark: But, seriously, eh, we have a lot of opportunities for you folks to enjoy during your time here. How long are you staying?
Jeff: We’ll be here for a couple of days.
Mark: Let’s take a look at this tourist video put together by Margene, the secretary over at the Uranium City Tourist Office and Jail, Jeff, to see just what we have to offer you guys.
(cut to video)
Grainy, 1960’s era film starts: Chartreuse colour title shot of atom with spinning electrons and text: Uranium City and YOU!
Fades to Lake Athabasca shore. Colour is faded. A young Mark Kingsley with a Beatle haircut and “Uranium City” T-shirt is running along the timbered shoreline. He stops, winded, and greets the camera with a wave.
Mark: Welcome to Uranium City! I’m Mark Kingsley. You may know me from that GBCN situation comedy, Love and Danger, where I play Gene Love, wacky golf professional and amateur private eye.
(laughter and applause)
Mark: I’d like to show you our great community here along the shores of beautiful Lake Athabasca, all made possible by our radioactive friend, Uranium!
(Mark walks over to Italian style, beige moped.)
Mark: So please join me on a quick tour of what we like to call home, Uranium City!
(Cheesy sixties, mod-squad style music starts in background, video shows Mark driving along forest roads in his moped, often passed by large logging trucks.)
(Mark drives moped up to imposing chain link fence with gate guard. There is a large sign indicating “Beaverlodge Mining Area”.)
Mark: (hopping off moped, which falls over in the gravel) Here is what makes our beautiful community possible, eh: uranium mining. Hi, Charlie!
Gate Guard: (waving) Hi, Mark!
Mark: Uranium City mines produce raw uranium ore, used to power our homes, keep our cities humming and destroy our communist enemies in a nuclear firestorm.
(Video shows atomic bomb explosion, then fades to stock strip mining footage)
Mark: Fifty-two deep mines and twelve pit mines in the Uranium City area work round the clock to supply the clean, safe energy of the future, available today!
Mark: But Uranium City is much more than uranium ore.
(Video switches to stock footage of water skiing, boating, swimming)
Mark: Lake Athabasca offers a wide variety of summer water sports.
(Video switches to stock footage of winter ice fishing, snowshoeing, snowmobiling)
Mark: And, of course, there is something for the cold months too, eh.
(Video switches back to Mark, now drinking a cup of coffee with Charlie.)
Mark: But don’t just think that we are nothing but uranium and sports. There is culture, too. Come with me!
(Mark slurps down rest of coffee and picks up moped, kick starts it, and takes off, waving to Charlie the gate guard. Music switches back to mod-squad style cheese, as Mark winds his way along the gravel forest roads into the middle of Uranium City, which is basically just a main street. Mark dismounts moped, which falls over again, and walks to the middle of the street. A lot of Indians stand around looking at him.)
Mark: This is beautiful downtown Uranium City. Look, over there is the Prospector Theatre, where we put on annual town pageant as well as a fall Shakespeare festival. (Camera pans and zooms to brick theatre) And over there is the Uran-O-Seum, documenting the history of our city and uranium mining. (Camera pans and zooms to museum, topped by a large model atom.) Uranium City offers cultural and educational opportunities for young and old.
(Switches to stock school room footage, then nursing home with bingo)
Mark: And, of course, we have an exciting nightlife here.
(Video switches to footage of can-can dancers, whiskey drinking cowboys, Indians attacking a wagon train)
Mark: All of this AND MORE, await YOU, in beautiful Uranium City! Come join us! You won't regret it, eh!
(Mark and all the Indians in the street wave to camera, fades to chartreuse Uranium City and YOU! logo)
(applause)
Mark: So you see, Jeff, lots of opportunities await Ted and you during your stay here.
Jeff: Wow, Mark, I had no idea there was that much to do here.
Mark: And to liven things up during your stay, we’ve got a gift for you. Tell him about it, Dick!
Dick: That’s right, Mark. Jeff, we’ve reserved a table for Ted and you at Iguana Wanda’s T&A Review, tomorrow night at Iguana Wanda’s West. Also included is a visit to the Wanda’s Native Canadian sweatlodge with her lovely ladies, and an UNLIMITED drink tab. So bottoms up, Jeff, and thanks for telling us…
All: WHAT’S ON YER MIND!
(applause)
Jeff: Oh, wow, boy, thanks a lot, Mark. That sounds like a great time.
Mark: You’re welcome, Jeff. Enjoy your stay in the north country, eh!
(applause)
Mark: We’ll be right back with Jeff’s friend, Dr. Ted Solomon, so stay tuned!
(Orchestra kicks in with Cocaine.)
(applause)
Mark (sitting at desk): We’re back from Uranium City, here on the beautiful shores of Lake Athabasca. We’ve got a great program lined up for you this evening. Ted Solomon is here, along with Ostara, Goddess of Spring, Professor Vincent Norby and Eddie Puss and da Mudderfuggers. Ladies and Gentlemen, you know what time it is again? It’s time to ask YOU…
All: WHAT’S ON YER MIND!
(Mark gets up from desk, Dick hands him a wireless microphone, and Mark runs out to the audience, stopping at the front row, where a bespectacled gentlemen in a sport coat is sitting.)
Mark: And how are you this evening, sir?
Gentleman: I’m fine, Mark, thanks.
Mark: And what might your name be?
Gentleman: Jeff…Jeff Marvin. Here’s my card. (hands him business card)
Mark: (chuckling) We aren’t offering a chance at a free lunch, Jeff!
(laughter)
Jeff: Well, you never know!
Mark: Fair enough. Thanks, eh. It says here you are a member of the Unification Church. Isn’t that the Moonies?
Jeff: We prefer the term “Unification Church”.
Mark: Who wouldn’t? (laughter) Moonies sounds kind of extraterrestrial.
(laughter)
Mark: So, Jeff, tell us…
All: WHAT’S ON YER MIND?!
Jeff: (smiling) Well, Mark, Ted and I drove up here, five days on the road from central Iowa, through lots of snow…
Mark (interrupting): Ah, so you drove with Ted Solomon, our first guest? Welcome to Uranium City!
Jeff: Thanks, Mark, thanks a lot. Anyway, we drove a long ways and we were wondering what you folks have in terms of cultural and entertainment offerings here in Uranium City.
Mark: Where are you folks staying?
Jeff: We got a couple of guest rooms over at Iguana Wanda’s West.
Mark: You couldn’t have picked a better place here in Uranium City, Jeff, especially as it is the ONLY place open this time of year.
(laughter)
Mark: But, seriously, eh, we have a lot of opportunities for you folks to enjoy during your time here. How long are you staying?
Jeff: We’ll be here for a couple of days.
Mark: Let’s take a look at this tourist video put together by Margene, the secretary over at the Uranium City Tourist Office and Jail, Jeff, to see just what we have to offer you guys.
(cut to video)
Grainy, 1960’s era film starts: Chartreuse colour title shot of atom with spinning electrons and text: Uranium City and YOU!
Fades to Lake Athabasca shore. Colour is faded. A young Mark Kingsley with a Beatle haircut and “Uranium City” T-shirt is running along the timbered shoreline. He stops, winded, and greets the camera with a wave.
Mark: Welcome to Uranium City! I’m Mark Kingsley. You may know me from that GBCN situation comedy, Love and Danger, where I play Gene Love, wacky golf professional and amateur private eye.
(laughter and applause)
Mark: I’d like to show you our great community here along the shores of beautiful Lake Athabasca, all made possible by our radioactive friend, Uranium!
(Mark walks over to Italian style, beige moped.)
Mark: So please join me on a quick tour of what we like to call home, Uranium City!
(Cheesy sixties, mod-squad style music starts in background, video shows Mark driving along forest roads in his moped, often passed by large logging trucks.)
(Mark drives moped up to imposing chain link fence with gate guard. There is a large sign indicating “Beaverlodge Mining Area”.)
Mark: (hopping off moped, which falls over in the gravel) Here is what makes our beautiful community possible, eh: uranium mining. Hi, Charlie!
Gate Guard: (waving) Hi, Mark!
Mark: Uranium City mines produce raw uranium ore, used to power our homes, keep our cities humming and destroy our communist enemies in a nuclear firestorm.
(Video shows atomic bomb explosion, then fades to stock strip mining footage)
Mark: Fifty-two deep mines and twelve pit mines in the Uranium City area work round the clock to supply the clean, safe energy of the future, available today!
Mark: But Uranium City is much more than uranium ore.
(Video switches to stock footage of water skiing, boating, swimming)
Mark: Lake Athabasca offers a wide variety of summer water sports.
(Video switches to stock footage of winter ice fishing, snowshoeing, snowmobiling)
Mark: And, of course, there is something for the cold months too, eh.
(Video switches back to Mark, now drinking a cup of coffee with Charlie.)
Mark: But don’t just think that we are nothing but uranium and sports. There is culture, too. Come with me!
(Mark slurps down rest of coffee and picks up moped, kick starts it, and takes off, waving to Charlie the gate guard. Music switches back to mod-squad style cheese, as Mark winds his way along the gravel forest roads into the middle of Uranium City, which is basically just a main street. Mark dismounts moped, which falls over again, and walks to the middle of the street. A lot of Indians stand around looking at him.)
Mark: This is beautiful downtown Uranium City. Look, over there is the Prospector Theatre, where we put on annual town pageant as well as a fall Shakespeare festival. (Camera pans and zooms to brick theatre) And over there is the Uran-O-Seum, documenting the history of our city and uranium mining. (Camera pans and zooms to museum, topped by a large model atom.) Uranium City offers cultural and educational opportunities for young and old.
(Switches to stock school room footage, then nursing home with bingo)
Mark: And, of course, we have an exciting nightlife here.
(Video switches to footage of can-can dancers, whiskey drinking cowboys, Indians attacking a wagon train)
Mark: All of this AND MORE, await YOU, in beautiful Uranium City! Come join us! You won't regret it, eh!
(Mark and all the Indians in the street wave to camera, fades to chartreuse Uranium City and YOU! logo)
(applause)
Mark: So you see, Jeff, lots of opportunities await Ted and you during your stay here.
Jeff: Wow, Mark, I had no idea there was that much to do here.
Mark: And to liven things up during your stay, we’ve got a gift for you. Tell him about it, Dick!
Dick: That’s right, Mark. Jeff, we’ve reserved a table for Ted and you at Iguana Wanda’s T&A Review, tomorrow night at Iguana Wanda’s West. Also included is a visit to the Wanda’s Native Canadian sweatlodge with her lovely ladies, and an UNLIMITED drink tab. So bottoms up, Jeff, and thanks for telling us…
All: WHAT’S ON YER MIND!
(applause)
Jeff: Oh, wow, boy, thanks a lot, Mark. That sounds like a great time.
Mark: You’re welcome, Jeff. Enjoy your stay in the north country, eh!
(applause)
Mark: We’ll be right back with Jeff’s friend, Dr. Ted Solomon, so stay tuned!
(Orchestra kicks in with Cocaine.)
(applause)
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