The Mark Kingsley Show: Ostara Interview
(Orchestra ends a slow version of I Get A Kick Out Of You.)
(applause)
Mark: Thanks, thanks a lot, eh. We’re here with world religions' expert Dr. Ted Solomon. Ted, just how do you folks keep busy during the Iowa winters?
Ted: (puffing on pipe, pauses reflectively) We-we-well Mark, I prefer a good game of pool.
Mark: Billiards?
Ted: Yes, although I am constantly looking for new victims, er uh, competitors. (chuckles)
(laughter)
Mark: Well, Dick’s been known to be pretty good with a stick and balls.
Ted: Wonderful! Perhaps we can get a table at Iguana Wanda’s later this week, if he is up to the challenge.
Dick: Sure, a game of 8-ball would be great.
Mark: Gee, I didn’t know Iguana Wanda’s has pool tables. I guess my mind was on other things.
(laughter)
Mark: Now I know.
Ted: Perhaps you’d like to come along, Mark.
Mark: Sure, why not?
Ted: Magnificent!
Mark: OK, folks, please prepare yourselves, as it isn’t often here on the God Bureau Cable Network that we get a full-fledged god or goddess showing up, especially during one of their feast days. We are indeed fortunate this evening. You may know her from the Christian adaptation of her festival, from the preponderance of fertility symbolism such as eggs and hares, but she is still around in her glory and is here to talk about religion with Ted and me. Please give a warm, spring-like welcome to the goddess, Ostara!
(Orchestra starts up with She’s A Woman.)
(applause)
(A 35-ish, curvaceous, brunette with straight, shoulder-length hair, dressed in white business attire and carrying a woven basket on her left arm, enters from behind the curtain. She smiles and waves to the crowd, while primarily the women in the crowd give her a standing ovation. She strides over to Mark’s desk, shakes his and then Ted’s hand. Ted moves to the next chair over, and Ostara sits down as the applause continues.)
Mark: Welcome to the show, Ostara!
Ostara: (in a British accent) Thanks, Mark! It is my pleasure.
(applause dies down, audience sits)
Mark: We are so happy you could make it, considering the timing and all.
Ostara: That is one of the big benefits to being omnipresent, Mark. I get to go to ALL my parties.
(laughter, Ted opens his eyes wide and puffs on pipe)
Mark: It is super none the less that you could join us. Happy Spring to you!
Ostara: Thank you. Are we going to celebrate together later?
Mark: Yes, Vincent Norby is going to come out and we’ll ring in the season together.
Ostara: Super!
Mark: Do you know Ted Solomon?
Ostara: (looks at Ted) We haven’t met before, but I do know of him. I think you did a lecture about Mother Goddesses for the Unitarians a while back.
Ted: (nodding, puffs on pipe) Yes, yes, my you ARE omnipresent. There may have been 15 people there!
(laughter)
Mark: Please don’t think that the men in the audience were rude when you walked in.
Ostara: Of course, not, Mark. I know exactly why. I always get a rise out of men wherever I go.
(laughter, Ted’s opens his eyes wide)
Ted: Wonderful!
Ostara: That’s comes with the territory when you are a fertility goddess.
(laughter)
Ostara: Oh, that reminds me, Mark. I brought something for you. (reaches in basket and gives him a wonderfully-ornate painted egg)
Mark: Wow, thanks so much!
Ostara: Eat that and you won’t need your Viagra for a while!
(laughter)
Mark: Super…I’m looking forward to it, eh.
Ostara: Not as much as your girlfriends may be…
(laughter)
Ostara: Don’t think that I forgot you, Ted. Here is an egg for you as well.
Ted: Th-th-thank you very much! My, it is beautiful, cosmic, actually.
Ostara: I’m glad you like it. (waves hand and looks toward audience) And if everyone looks under their seats, they will find a spring greeting from me as well!
(audience murmurs, finds colourful eggs under their seats, bursts into applause)
Ostara: Thank you. May they bring you a fertile season of growth!
(applause)
Mark: Wow, that was very nice of you, Ostara.
Ostara: You have to keep up with marketing in this day and age, Mark.
(laughter)
Ostara: I still manage to keep the youth engaged, but the older crowd seems to have gone for that whole crucifixion and resurrection scene.
Mark: You need to expand your target base, eh.
(laughter)
Ostara: Were it not that easy, Mark. Thankfully, we still have chocolate.
(laughter)
Mark: Yeah, I haven’t seen too many folks biting the head off of a chocolate Jesus lately.
(laughter)
Ted: Yes, but Christians symbolically do so each time they celebrate mass, that is, they are partaking of the body of their god.
(ohs from audience)
Ostara: Yes, that’s it exactly, Ted. We used to do the whole bloody affair as well, a sacrificed hare here, a sacrificed captive there, but in this day and age, milk chocolate will have to suffice.
Ted: (puffs on pipe) Wonderful!
Mark: Does it bother you that the Christians stole your Anglo-Saxon name, Eostre, for their holiday?
Ostara: Not really, Mark. Actually, I’m flattered.
Ted: Oh…(nods and puffs on pipe)
Ostara: I am quite lucky compared to some of my friends. A lot of them consider themselves fortunate to be picked up by some weirdo posers in the Wiccan scene. I guess I am still mainstream, although the meaning may be lost on most.
Mark: Do you ever have concerns that some fundamentalist Christians will try to posture themselves against the whole Easter egg and bunny thing, try to stop people from believing?
Ostara: Not really. Does anyone really take them seriously outside of their own little group?
(laughter, Ted nods contemplatively)
Mark: You’ve got a point, eh.
Ostara: Even their sunrise services were practiced by my followers thousands of years ago.
Ted: Yes, even your name relates to that fact.
Ostara: Quite right, Ted.
Mark: How so?
Ted: “Ostara” derives from a old Germanic root, aew-s, meaning daybreak or dawn. You still get the derivation in the English and German directional terms, east and ost, respectively.
Mark: Wow, that is interesting. Makes sense, though. East, Ost, Easter, Ostern…
Ostara: Exactly. So you can see why I’m flattered.
Mark: Well, we are flattered by your presence, Ostara.
(applause)
Ostara: Thank you.
Mark: And we’ll be right back with a little musical interlude with Eddie Puss and da Mudderfuggers, Vincent Norby and the Hermann Göring Orchestra with a world-premiere performance! Stay tuned!
(Orchestra begins a snappy version of For Your Love.)
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