The Mark Kingsley Show: Ted Solomon Interview

(Orchestra wraps up with What Is Life.)

(applause)

Mark: We’re back, ladies and gentlemen. Ostara, Goddess of Spring is here, as well as Professor Vincent Norby, Festung Europa Astronomy Expert, eh. Our first guest was a Professor of Religious Studies at Iowa State University in Ames, Iowa, for many years, now he’s retired and enjoying the good life, taking time out from his jet-set retirement to visit with us this evening. Please welcome to the program, Dr. Ted Solomon!

(Orchestra starts up with Rainy Day Women 12 & 35)

(applause)

(Ted Solomon enters from behind the curtain, shuffles along toward Mark’s desk, tobacco pipe in one hand and a Moosehead beer in the other. Ted smiles and waves briefly to the crowd, then shakes hands with Mark and sits down next to him.)

Mark: It’s great to have you with us, Ted. How are you doing?

Ted: (stuttering). Fine. Fine! Thanks, Mark! It is great to be here in Uranium City!

Mark: Did Jeff and you have a nice drive up from Iowa?

Ted: It was damn long, Mark! (laughs)

(laughter)

Mark: Did you drive or did Jeff?

Ted: Jeff plays the role of my chauffeur. I am in charge of navigation and refreshments.

Mark: I see. No problems finding us then?

Ted: We just let the fates guide us. (chuckles)

Mark: I do the same thing after a night at Iguana Wanda’s.

(laughter)

Mark: You know we have a full-fledged goddess here with us this evening?

Ted: Wonderful! (puffs on pipe) (stutters) I – I – I had the pleasure of meeting her backstage.

Mark: So what do you think?

Ted: Ostara is just one of the many incarnations of the Mother Goddess, whether you are talking about Isis, Aphrodite, Venus, Ishtar...or the Virgin Mary!

Mark: You seem to know quite a bit about the subject…

Ted: Well, I have personally lived with the Mother Goddess for over 50 years!

(laughter)

Ted: She’s quite demanding, you know!

(laughter)

Mark: How IS your wife, Marian, doing?

Ted: Well, she’s had some health difficulties, so I have been tasked as her personal nurse and caretaker, which I do cheerfully.

Mark: I’m sorry to hear that. I hope she is on the road to recovery.

Ted: Thanks, Mark. Yes, but it is always more challenging as we get older.

Mark: Tell me about it, eh. I’ve been popping those little blue pills ever since they came out!

(laughter)

Ted: Perhaps you need a bit of help from the Mother Goddess!

(laughter)

Mark: Yeah, a few ancient fertility rites could keep me humming like an 18-year old.

(laughter)

Ted: Wonderful! By the way, Mark, this Moosehead a pretty good libation. (takes drink)

Mark: Glad you like our complementary cocktail bar and hookah lounge, Ted. Have you tried our henbane homebrew?

Ted: (smiles) I tend to avoid what Shakespeare called the “juice of cursed hebenon”: too risky for my constitution! But the Moosehead is qu-qu-quite good. I have tried it at A Taste of Thailand in Des Moines a few times. And Jeff enjoyed the hookah lounge during the last break.

(laughter)

Mark: Well, who doesn’t, eh?

(laughter)

Ted: Jeff is more adventuresome in that area than I. I have, however, succumbed to the temptations of the Tobacco-Deva, but I also enjoy the red willow bark tobacco of the Lakoka Sioux, also known as kinnikinnick. (puffs on pipe)

Mark: I’ll have to ask some of our native backstage crew if they can get their hands on some for you.

Ted: Wunderbar! We stopped at Pipestone National Monument in Minnesota on the first day of our northward journey, and Jeff procured a new Chanunpa sacred pipe.

Mark: What happened to the old one?

Ted: (stutters) Un-Un-Unfortunately, it was confiscated by the Iowa Highway Patrol…

Mark: I take it that it wasn’t just kinnikinnick he was smoking!

(laughter)

Ted: (laughs) Yes, instead of sending a message to Wakan Tanka, the Great Spirit, Jeff may have been trying to communicate with the Hindu river goddess, Ganga!

(laughter)

Mark: You and Jeff enjoy the culture of the American Indian, eh. Have you talked to any of our native population here?

Ted: (chuckles) Well, Mark, after we arrived late last night, Jeff managed to chat up a few of the ladies at Iguana Wanda’s West, as is his fashion. He’s a walking id, you know!

(laughter)

Mark: And?

Ted: Jeff frequently meditates on the vision of the White Buffalo Calf Pipe Woman, yet another incarnation of the Mother Goddess, so he was quite impressed with some of the native dancers last night!

Mark: I see…I think.

(laughter)

Mark: In any case, Ted, you and Jeff should have a good time tomorrow evening with the Iguana Wanda West T&A package.

Ted: Ah, yes, th-th-thank you, Mark. We are looking forward to it.

Mark: Don’t thank me, Ted. Thank the God Bureau Cable Network!

(Orchestra fanfare: GBCN theme)

(laughter)

Mark: Let's bring out the Mother Goddess, Ted, if you don't mind, and get her in on this conversation, eh.

Ted: Wonderful!

Mark: We'll be right back with the Goddess of Spring, Ostara, folks!

(Orchestra starts up with Fly Me To The Moon.)

(applause)