Friday, January 05, 2007

Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag

Good day to you from beautiful Uranium City, Saskatchewan, eh. This is Mark Kingsley, Camouflage Mariner, broadcasting to you on GBCN, the God Bureau Cable Network, throughout the fifty-six nations of the free world! And, since we haven't heard from each other in over a week, Happy New Year to those of you still operating on the Gregorian calendar!

It is time once again for our Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag, where you, gentle reader, give us your feedback on Festung Europa, the blog where the answer to all questions is yes...and no! But first, a word from our sponsor, eh:

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We're back with the Back to Saskatchewan mailbag, and this week's first letter comes from a young lady in Lourdes, France. She writes:

Dear Defensemaster,

We really enjoy your Festung Europa blog, but why haven't you posted anything until today? We were expecting a post-New Year's recap of your festivities with perhaps a few comments from your standard essayists and correspondents? Where the hell are they? Are you all on vacation or what?

Yours truly,

Lolita in Lourdes

Dear Lolita,

We can certainly understand your dismay at having no immediate posts regarding our New Year's festivities, but, goddamn it, get a fucking life! You in La France should get out more often and quit living vicariously through us! Yes, I know, we at Festung Europa are international playboys and thus incredibly interesting, but please, consider getting off your duff, heading down to the local café, drinking a glass of fine French wine, chatting with your Amis and forgetting about Festung Europa, if just for a little while. When you return to your cathode ray tube, all shall seem fresh and new, even if it is the same old shit. That being said, we have been experiencing some minor technical difficulties here at Festung Europa, but we expect that these will soon be overcome, and you can go back to enjoying regular posting of our commentary, news and official information.

Let's see, here is another letter, this time from a correspondent in the United States of America, eh.

Dear Defensemaster,

I have seen you reference the Stingray Regime in your posts. Just what is the "Stingray Regime", and who is this Stingray character? Are you guys some sort of cult?

Sincerely,

Steve in San Diego

Dear Steve,

The Stingray Regime is a group of intergalactic freedom fighters fighting against the Xarlon Army. In the year 1987 according to your calendar, the Ancient Staff of Stingray was found once more, its bearer being the latest in an endless succession of Stingrays. Stingray is the benevolent dictator, practicing the wisest and most advanced form of government. He is truly enlightened. Stingray created Immaculate Village, a group of hunters and gatherers living in peace and harmony, until elements of the Xarlon Army infiltrated it and laid it to waste. The survivors, including Stingray, the Benevolent Dictator, the Mystic Master and yours truly fled to Fortress Immacula, in what could be considered the high point of Stingray Regime culture and affluence. This unfortunately ended with the bloody Battle of Fortress Immacula, as the Xarlon Army destroyed the walls of the fortress, sending all into flight. We regrouped a little later for a period of extreme decadence and good living in Victoriaville, but that was about it. We are now all undercover, with some of us operating deep in the heart of Xarlon territory, the Xarlon Metroplex, which is still protected by the Power Grid, of which only a few of us have the codes. I can say no more.

Well, that's about it for our Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag this week. It's been a pleasure, eh. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Mark Kingsley reporting from the dark, icy and beautiful shores of Lake Athabasca, Saskatchewan.

2 comments:

Mystic Master said...

I sincerely hope that Steve in San Diego is not looking to place blame for Steve Irwin's death. Google can be a great and terrible thing.

Cult!?! I don't know whether to be insulted or overjoyed.

_MM

Gonar, GOTOG said...

Google may be both great and terrible, both yes...and no, but Wikipedia is only great. The Wikipedia article on Uranium City includes the almost negligible footnote, "Pamela Anderson of baywatch fame lived in Uranium City for 1 year."

Sweet.

Best Regards,
Gonar