The Mark Kingsley Show: Paris Hilton Interview

(Orchestra wraps up with Waterloo)

Mark: We’re back with the Defensemaster! Well, that went off not exactly as I had planned.

DMSR: What can I say? You must remember my heritage. One tends to cling to long-lasting holograms.

Mark: I see. Well, what you said made sense.

DMSR: Let’s discuss something that smells better.

Mark: Then how about our next guest, who has done everything from night-vision sex videos to reality shows to barhopping with other members of the rich and famous. Please welcome to the show, Paris Hilton!

(Orchestra starts with American Woman)

(applause)

(Paris comes out, waves to the crowd, shakes hands with Mark and Defensemaster, and takes seat next to Mark.)

Mark: Welcome, Paris. Great to have you, eh.

Paris: Thanks, Mark. Nice to be here.

Mark: Have you ever been to Uranium City before?

Paris: No, it IS a little out of the way.

Mark: Yeah, we like it that way.

Paris: Well, maybe I’ll build a getaway here, I’ll bet you don’t have any paparazzi.

Mark: You know, there is Joe Bearskin who has a photo service at the general store.

(laughter)

Paris: (laughs) That doesn’t sound too bad.

Mark: You haven’t seen his hardcore pornography selection behind the fishing supplies, eh.

(laughter)

Paris: (laughs) I hope he’s not selling illicit copies of me!

Mark: Na, everyone just downloads that for free.

(laughter)

Paris: You’re not very nice, Mark.

Mark: Wait, it gets better.

Paris: What do you guys do up here for fun?

Mark: Well, we do have quite a few cultural amenities. There’s the local Mining Museum, showing the history of uranium mining here. And, of course, we have entertainment here at the Prospector Theatre on Saturday nights. But mostly we hunt and fish, I guess.

Paris: That explains the amount of flannel shirts in the audience.

(laughter)

Mark: Have you ever been hunting, Paris?

Paris: For animals, no. I couldn’t shoot anything. I think it is terrible.

Mark: To each his own, I guess.

Paris: Yeah, count me out on the killing.

DMSR: (hisses) Count me in.

Paris: You are one scary guy.

DMSR: That’s what they all say.

Paris: I like the shiny skull thing, though. That's hot.

DMSR: Thank you.

Paris: And the whole black robe deal, almost Gothic.

DMSR: Well, actually, I picked these up in Mongolia in the twelfth century.

Paris: Huh?

DMSR: It is a long, long story.

Paris: Sounds like it.

Mark: So, what brings you up this way besides our show, Paris.

Paris: Our plane was on the way to Moscow via a polar route, and we were forced to land for repairs.

Mark: I see. Who is taking care of the repairs?

Paris: I don’t know. My pilot arranges that.

Mark: I’ll have someone check into it to make sure you are off and running soon, eh.

Paris: Thanks!

DMSR: You should really look into airship travel. It is the only way to fly, other than personal jetpack, but not many people can handle those.

Paris: I think I’ll stick to the Lear jet.

DMSR: Think about it. Lighter than air!

Paris: Alright.

Mark: What do you have planned with the Russkies, Paris?

Paris: We are releasing a new fashion line with my name in Russia.

Mark: Sounds exciting.

Paris: It is.

DMSR: Perhaps you would like to take over our fashion column at Festung Europa?

Paris: I doubt you could afford me.

DMSR: Probably not. Being a covert, underground operation, our operating costs are limited.

Mark: That would certainly boost readership!

DMSR: Well, if K ever gets off her ass and sends me something, we’ll be up and running.

Paris: Who is K?

DMSR: She is our new fashion reporter.

Paris: Do I know her?

DMSR: Probably not. As I mentioned, we are a covert operation.

Paris: I see.

Mark: Do you like 1980’s music, Paris?

Paris: Not really.

Mark: Well, then we have a treat for you. Ladies and gentlemen, join me in welcoming to The Mark Kingsley Show, Steve Garvey and the Love Boat Guys, with that John Cougar Mellencamp hit, The Authority Song!

(Guitar kicks in, Steve Garvey, holding microphone stand and dodging something, starts wailing, “Girl, when I get you in a compromising position…”

(Song wraps up with a rousing guitar, keyboard, drums and vocal climax…bam, bam, bam, BAM!)

Mark: Steve Garvey and The Love Boat Guys! We’ll be right back.

(DMSR and Paris chat privately as orchestra kicks in with The Love Boat theme)