The Mark Kingsley Show: Intro

(Cue big band theme)

Ladies and Gentlemen, straight from Uranium City’s Prospector Theatre, it’s The Mark Kingsley Show!

Please join Mark tonight with his guests:

The Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime

Former Iowa Governor, Tom Vilsack

Paris Hilton

The Ghost of John Lennon

And a special, musical guest, Steve Garvey and The Love Boat Guys!

Join me, Dick Dorkmeier, and the Hermann Göring Orchestra in a warm welcome for the man who made the 1970’s suck, Mark Kingsley!

(applause)

Mark: Aw, thanks Dick!

(continued applause)

Mark: (holding up hands to stifle applause, orchestra fanfare): Thanks, folks. It’s great to be here.

Mark: (standing mid-stage, bows to orchestra): Thanks a lot, eh. You guys are terrific.

Mark: Well, it’s good to be back on the air, after my extended holiday absence.

(laughter)

Dick: So, how WAS the rehab, Mark?

Mark: You know, can’t complain. (takes swig from pocket flask.)

(laughter)

Mark: And here’s a little inside information for those entering the Canadian substance abuse rehabilitation system…

(whispers) it’s run by Indians.

(laughter)

Mark: Oh, excuse me, Native Canadians, whatever that means, eh!

(laughter)

Dick: Well, that explains a lot. But I take it you are well on the road to recovery?

Mark: Can’t complain, Dick. (takes another swig) But seriously folks, I feel a lot better now that American President George Bush clarified things in his State of the Union address yesterday evening. “This is not the fight we entered in Iraq, but this is the fight we are in.” Well, no shit, Sherlock. And why, pray tell, do you think the situation has deteriorated so badly? Couldn’t be as a result of the invasion itself, could it?

(ooohs from audience)

Mark: Now folks, don’t get me wrong. Bush’s speech made me proud…proud to be Canadian!

(laughter)

Mark: Well, it looks like we got quite a line up on the show tonight, Dick. The big man showed up from way yonder, eh. I’m impressed. I didn’t think Vilsack would come this far.

(laughter)

Mark: Well, THE big man, the Defensemaster himself, is on the show tonight, along with former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack, whose hat is in the ring for the U.S. 2008 presidential election. We also have the lovely and, uh, talented Paris Hilton, ladies and gentlemen. Do you suppose she’s wearing underwear this evening, Dick?

(laughter)

Dick: We shall see…

Mark: Let’s hope not. Make sure Barney on camera five gets a close-up for us later, eh!

(laughter)

Mark: And a real treat, Dick—The Ghost of John Lennon. How the heck are you going to pull that one off, eh? Special effects?

Dick: Seriously, Mark. We got him. Let’s just thank the good people at Parker Brothers for the Ouija board, and an ancient summoning ritual from the Mystic Master.

Mark: Cool. Should be interesting, to say the least. And who is this band you got lined up, Steve Garvey and The Love Boat Guys? Weren’t they around in the mid 1980’s?

Dick: Yeah, we’re talking a marriage of Miami Vice and Hair Rock, Mark.

(laughter)

Mark: Groovy. (takes a hefty swig from flask) How you feeling tonight, Hermann?

Hermann: (laughs jovially) Sehr gut!

Mark: Then hit it! (orchestra starts jazzy number to cut to commercial) We’ll be right back with the Defensemaster, folks, so stay tuned, eh!