The Mark Kingsley Show: What's On Yer Mind?

Mark: We’re back, eh. We’ve got a great show lined up for you tonight folks. But before we bring out our guests, let’s turn up the house lights for our traditional opening segment, “What’s on yer mind?” (gets up from behind desk, grabs microphone and jogs into the audience as house lights come on)

(camera pans into audience)

Mark: Let’s find someone who’s got something on their mind, eh. Ah, my, that’s a smart outfit you’re wearing, young lady. (puts microphone in front of 20-ish brunette in black business attire)

Brunette: Why, thank you!

Mark: You’re welcome, eh. What’s your name?

Brunette: Jennifer.

Mark: You here alone this evening?

Jennifer: No, this is my husband, Chad. (points to burly man in red flannel shirt)

Mark: Too bad. Oh, well.

(laughter)

Mark: So (raises hand to audience and all recite), WHAT’S ON YER MIND?

Jennifer: I was wondering, Mark, just how was it for you in substance abuse rehab? We were all pretty worried, and frankly, we were getting tired of the Anby reruns!

(laughter)

Mark: Well, Jennifer, thanks for asking. Luckily, we had a cameraman accompany me on the trip, so let’s take a look, eh.

(cut to video sequence)

(Grainy, cheap amateur video. Silent video shows Mark entering brick institutional building, accompanied by 2 Canadian Mounties. Next sequence shows Mark meeting his roommates, 2 burly yet strangely effeminate Indians, dressed in blue institutional garb. One winks at Mark, at which point he turns directly to the camera in horror. (laughter) Next sequence shows both of the Indians playing poker with Mark, each with “Mark” roughly carved into their biceps. (laughter) One pulls out a Pepsi bottle with a clear liquid inside and hands it to Mark, who takes a deep draw of it, and then starts coughing uncontrollably. (laughter) Mark loses all in the poker game, shrugs shoulders. (laughter) Next sequence shows big party with Mark and about 20 Indian inmates, all with Pepsi bottles in their hands, destroying standard, modern institutional furniture, building a bonfire in the courtyard, and terrorizing the staff. Next sequence shows Mark driving the institution’s gray school bus, full of partying Indians, escaping from the rehab center. (laughter))

(Cut back to audience.)

Mark: As you can see, Jennifer, I’m cured.

(laughter)

Jennifer: (laughing) Whatever you say, Mark.

(laughter)

Mark: What are we going to give this fine young lady, Dick, for telling us, what’s on her mind?

Dick: Why, Mark, Jennifer and her husband, Chad, are going to receive the DVD series, “Anby – Season 1”, as well as a night on the town, all expenses paid, at Iguana Wanda’s West, right here in downtown Uranium City!

Jennifer: Wow, thanks. You know, Mark, you can keep the Anby.

Mark: Bamn it, Jennifer. These BVBs are barn cool. You’b befinitely like ‘em, eh.

(laughter)

Mark: (to Jennifer) Thanks for playing!

Mark: And now, let’s find someone else in the audience to ask them, (all recite) WHAT’S ON YER MIND?

Mark: (pushing his way past audience members to reach the very middle of the auditorium) So, what’s your name? (points microphone at elderly gentlemen in suit and tie)

Elderly gentleman: Sam

Mark: So, Sam, (all recite) WHAT’S ON YER MIND?

Sam: My wife, Jessie, and I had a bet as to whether or not you were a guest star on The GBCN Boat show back in the late 1970’s. I said no, but Jessie insists that you were. Which is it?

Mark: Well, Sam, there are some things that are best left to history.

(laughter)

Mark: But if you must, know, yes, I took the cruise – twice!

(laughter)

Mark: Unfortunately, after the fall of Fortress Immacula, the GBCN archives were set ablaze by the Xarlons, destroying much of our early work, and since owning a copy of a show such as The GBCN Boat means, at the worst, a death sentence, at best, deprogramming in a penal colony, anywhere in the Xarlon Empire, they are pretty hard to come by, eh. But let me refresh your memory, Sam.

Sam: OK.

Mark: The first time I was on the show was in 1977, when I played a diamond thief who was attempting to steal a beautiful necklace worn by Carol Channing, whose husband was played by my close personal friend, Charles Nelson Reilly.

Sam: Ah, I remember that one. That giant who was the maitre 'd at the ship’s restaurant foiled the whole thing when he found you disguised as one of the waiters.

Mark: Yeah. And the second time was in 1979, when I played a widowed English writer looking for love on the high seas and finding it, but not as I had expected, when I adopted that little Guatemalan orphan who had stowed away on board.

Sam: Ah, OK, now I remember that one, too. Thanks, Mark, for refreshing my memory.

Mark: No problemo, Sam. So what do you owe your wife for losing the bet?

Sam: I told her I’d take her on vacation.

Mark: Well, you’re in luck, Sammy boy: Jessie and you are going to Europe! On a Zeppelin!

(orchestra plays fanfare)

Sam: Oh, boy! (Jessie stands up, screaming for joy)

Mark: Tell ‘em about it, Dick!

Dick: Yes, Sam, you and Jessie are going to be personal guest of the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime on his private, nuclear-powered airship, The Condor 7000. Following a brief security clearance procedure, you will embark from the Uranium City Airport on a 4-day polar excursion taking you over Greenland, Iceland, Scandanavia, and Germany. On-board you will experience pure, splecious lungeur, as we call it, as you enjoy the roomy accommodations, nightly entertainment, and fine cuisine, cooked by Master Chef Peter Lou Demerius. Upon arrival at Festung Europa, you will be treated to a tour of our facilities by the Defensemaster himself. After a small debriefing, you are free to take in the sights of Europe for an entire week, after which you will return via the standard transportation of Lufthansa to the western hemisphere. All this, just for saying, WHAT’S ON YER MIND!

(applause)

Sam: Oh, boy! Thanks a lot!

Mark: Don’t thank me, Sam, thank the Defensemaster!

Sam: I will. (Jessie continues screaming and jumping up and down.)

Mark: And we’ll be right back with the man himself. Stay tuned!

(Orchestra plays big band version of Cat Scratch Fever.)