The Mark Kingsley Show: The Ghost of John Lennon
(Orchestra winds up Strawberry Fields Forever)
Mark: We are back with Paris Hilton and the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime. Now, hold on to your seats, folks, as Dick mentioned at the beginning of the show, we are going to do something which, to my knowledge, has not been performed on television before, namely, an interview with the late, great John Lennon, straight from the grave, eh.
Paris: Huh?
Mark: Yeah, didn’t we tell you, we are going to summon the dead.
Paris: My agent didn’t say anything about that!
Mark: I thought we covered that with your people.
Paris: Maybe it is a good time for me to go.
(cries of “No” from audience, murmuring)
DMSR: (whispers) Don’t worry, we have experience in this sort of thing.
Paris: That’s what worries me!
Mark: (chuckling) Have no fear, Paris, as I mentioned, we have a pretty safe formula for performing the ritual. Dick, do you have the official Parker Brothers Ouija Board?
Dick: It’s right here, Mark. (brings Mark Ouija board)
DMSR: Do you really want to use that thing?
Mark: Well, it is in the formula Mystic Master provided.
DMSR: Yeah, but we may be able to forgo the whole fingertip thing.
Mark: I don’t know. I would prefer the SAFER method. After all, this is television, with a studio audience to boot.
DMSR: It’s your show, Kingsley.
Mark: OK, let’s open her up, eh. (opens box)
Paris: Oh, I used to play with one of those as a teenager.
Mark: Really? Would you like to assist me?
Paris: Like I said, it may be best that I go now.
Mark: Ah, come on, Paris. How many of your friends can say they hung out with a dead Ex-Beatle?
Paris: Well, if you put it that way, then OK.
(applause)
Mark: How ‘bout some appropriate music, Hermann?
Hermann: Vat vould you like?
Mark: I don’t know, since it is John Lennon, perhaps Imagine just on the harpsichord.
Hermann: Alright, ve vill try it.
(Stagehands roll out 18th century harpsichord, jazz pianist from the band takes up position at the instrument, and begins to play.)
Mark: OK, Paris, sit opposite me, and we’ll put the Ouija board on our laps.
Paris: OK. (moves chair to facilitate)
Mark: Defensemaster, perhaps you had better take a look at what Mystic Master sent me. (hands him scroll)
DMSR: (unrolls scroll) Ah, yes, give me a piece of chalk, Mark.
Dick: We ask that the audience remain quiet during the summons.
(audience shuts up)
DMSR: I will now draw the circle of summoning. (begins hastily drawing runic formulae in a circle around the set and chanting an ancient language)
Mark: OK, now I will ask the question…
DMSR: (whispers) Don’t worry about it, Mark. I almost have him.
(Suddenly, a pair of round glasses falls in from the ceiling, hovering at eye-level in the chair where the Defensemaster was sitting, the audience gasps.)
Paris: Whoa!
Ghost of John Lennon: Where the fuck am I?
Mark: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show, Mr. John Lennon.
(applause, slow at first, then increasing)
John: What the fuck television show is this? This ain’t Mike Douglas!
Mark: No, John, welcome to The Mark Kingsley Show, in beautiful Uranium City, Canada.
John: Tell that asshole on the harpsichord to stop it, he’s murdering my song!
(harpsichord stops)
John: Of all the places to come back from the dead, fucking Canada! I spent a week once with Yoko in bed in Montreal and for what? No one gave a flying fuck!
(DMSR sits down next to John, Mark and Paris lay Ouija board aside and turn toward audience.)
Mark: Well, how have the first 26 years of death been treating you?
John: What do you think, dumbass? It’s pretty damn final.
Mark: I can understand that, eh. I know there are a lot of people tuned in who would like to know just what happens in the afterlife.
John: Not much. That is pretty much it. You’d better make the best use of your time here and now, my friends.
Mark: That’s good advice for everyone, I guess.
John: What the fuck else is there? I said it, you asshole, “Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try.” Well, I didn’t really believe it then, having been brought up in the western paradigm and all, but I fucking believe it now.
Mark: Well, we appreciate you visiting with us.
John: You summoned me, you motherfuckers! I had no choice in the matter.
Mark: We appreciate it anyway, eh. It means a lot to all of us.
John: Oh, here we go again, everyone wanting a piece of me, everyone wanting to hear what I have to say. I was sick of it then, and I am sure as hell sick of it now! You disturb the tranquility of eternity to bring my ass back on a fucking talk show!
Mark: We are in a ratings sweep.
John: Unfuckingbelievable!
DMSR: Perhaps we should send him back.
Paris: This is WAY weird.
Mark (hands her his flask) Take a swig of this.
Paris: Thanks. (gulps it down)
John: Who is this bird?
Mark: Paris Hilton, meet John Lennon.
Paris: Hi. Say, could you play a song for us?
John: Like I said, everyone wants a piece of me.
Mark: John, if you do it, we’ll send you back right at the end. (DMSR nods)
John: Well, if that is what I have to do to get the fuck out of here, I’m in.
Mark: Great. Ladies and gentlemen, John Lennon.
(standing ovation)
(glasses rise a bit, and jaunt at eye-level over to the piano)
Hermann: Vat vould you like to play?
John: A fucking Kraut, OK, and a Nazi to boot. Well, let’s see, how about a fitting one. I think you know which. The dead understand one another.
Hermann: (nods) Jawohl.
(Orchestra kicks in, piano keys start moving)
Everybody's talking and no one says a word
Everybody's making love and no one really cares
There's Nazis in orchestra right over there
Always something happening and nothing going on
There's always something cooking and nothing in the pot
They're starving back in China so finish what you got
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Strange days indeed -- strange days indeed
(Paris and Mark start dancing in the middle of the stage)
Everybody's runnin' and no one makes a move
Everyone's a winner and nothing left to lose
There's a little yellow idol to the north of Katmandu
Everybody's flying and no one leaves the ground
Everybody's crying and no one makes a sound
There's a place for us in the movies you just gotta lay around
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Strange days indeed -- most peculiar, mama
Everybody's smoking and no one's getting high
Everybody's flying and never touch the sky
There's a UFO over New York and I ain't too surprised
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Strange days indeed -- most peculiar, mama, whoa!
(wild applause, orchestra continues playing, Defensemaster inscribes a few runes on the floor, the eyeglasses fly upwards, vanishing through the ceiling, Mark turns to the camera while dancing.)
Mark: Wow! Wow. That’s it for this edition of The Mark Kingsley Show. I’d like to thank my guests, Paris Hilton, Defensemaster, Tom Vilsack and The Ghost of John Lennon. Incredible. And thanks to you, the GBCN viewers, who make this all possible. Until next time from Uranium City, good bye!
(orchestra continues playing Nobody told me, continued boisterous applause, some audience members join in the dancing on the stage, credits roll)
Dick: The Mark Kingsley Show has been a GBCN production. I’m Dick Dorkmeier.
Mark: We are back with Paris Hilton and the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime. Now, hold on to your seats, folks, as Dick mentioned at the beginning of the show, we are going to do something which, to my knowledge, has not been performed on television before, namely, an interview with the late, great John Lennon, straight from the grave, eh.
Paris: Huh?
Mark: Yeah, didn’t we tell you, we are going to summon the dead.
Paris: My agent didn’t say anything about that!
Mark: I thought we covered that with your people.
Paris: Maybe it is a good time for me to go.
(cries of “No” from audience, murmuring)
DMSR: (whispers) Don’t worry, we have experience in this sort of thing.
Paris: That’s what worries me!
Mark: (chuckling) Have no fear, Paris, as I mentioned, we have a pretty safe formula for performing the ritual. Dick, do you have the official Parker Brothers Ouija Board?
Dick: It’s right here, Mark. (brings Mark Ouija board)
DMSR: Do you really want to use that thing?
Mark: Well, it is in the formula Mystic Master provided.
DMSR: Yeah, but we may be able to forgo the whole fingertip thing.
Mark: I don’t know. I would prefer the SAFER method. After all, this is television, with a studio audience to boot.
DMSR: It’s your show, Kingsley.
Mark: OK, let’s open her up, eh. (opens box)
Paris: Oh, I used to play with one of those as a teenager.
Mark: Really? Would you like to assist me?
Paris: Like I said, it may be best that I go now.
Mark: Ah, come on, Paris. How many of your friends can say they hung out with a dead Ex-Beatle?
Paris: Well, if you put it that way, then OK.
(applause)
Mark: How ‘bout some appropriate music, Hermann?
Hermann: Vat vould you like?
Mark: I don’t know, since it is John Lennon, perhaps Imagine just on the harpsichord.
Hermann: Alright, ve vill try it.
(Stagehands roll out 18th century harpsichord, jazz pianist from the band takes up position at the instrument, and begins to play.)
Mark: OK, Paris, sit opposite me, and we’ll put the Ouija board on our laps.
Paris: OK. (moves chair to facilitate)
Mark: Defensemaster, perhaps you had better take a look at what Mystic Master sent me. (hands him scroll)
DMSR: (unrolls scroll) Ah, yes, give me a piece of chalk, Mark.
Dick: We ask that the audience remain quiet during the summons.
(audience shuts up)
DMSR: I will now draw the circle of summoning. (begins hastily drawing runic formulae in a circle around the set and chanting an ancient language)
Mark: OK, now I will ask the question…
DMSR: (whispers) Don’t worry about it, Mark. I almost have him.
(Suddenly, a pair of round glasses falls in from the ceiling, hovering at eye-level in the chair where the Defensemaster was sitting, the audience gasps.)
Paris: Whoa!
Ghost of John Lennon: Where the fuck am I?
Mark: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show, Mr. John Lennon.
(applause, slow at first, then increasing)
John: What the fuck television show is this? This ain’t Mike Douglas!
Mark: No, John, welcome to The Mark Kingsley Show, in beautiful Uranium City, Canada.
John: Tell that asshole on the harpsichord to stop it, he’s murdering my song!
(harpsichord stops)
John: Of all the places to come back from the dead, fucking Canada! I spent a week once with Yoko in bed in Montreal and for what? No one gave a flying fuck!
(DMSR sits down next to John, Mark and Paris lay Ouija board aside and turn toward audience.)
Mark: Well, how have the first 26 years of death been treating you?
John: What do you think, dumbass? It’s pretty damn final.
Mark: I can understand that, eh. I know there are a lot of people tuned in who would like to know just what happens in the afterlife.
John: Not much. That is pretty much it. You’d better make the best use of your time here and now, my friends.
Mark: That’s good advice for everyone, I guess.
John: What the fuck else is there? I said it, you asshole, “Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try.” Well, I didn’t really believe it then, having been brought up in the western paradigm and all, but I fucking believe it now.
Mark: Well, we appreciate you visiting with us.
John: You summoned me, you motherfuckers! I had no choice in the matter.
Mark: We appreciate it anyway, eh. It means a lot to all of us.
John: Oh, here we go again, everyone wanting a piece of me, everyone wanting to hear what I have to say. I was sick of it then, and I am sure as hell sick of it now! You disturb the tranquility of eternity to bring my ass back on a fucking talk show!
Mark: We are in a ratings sweep.
John: Unfuckingbelievable!
DMSR: Perhaps we should send him back.
Paris: This is WAY weird.
Mark (hands her his flask) Take a swig of this.
Paris: Thanks. (gulps it down)
John: Who is this bird?
Mark: Paris Hilton, meet John Lennon.
Paris: Hi. Say, could you play a song for us?
John: Like I said, everyone wants a piece of me.
Mark: John, if you do it, we’ll send you back right at the end. (DMSR nods)
John: Well, if that is what I have to do to get the fuck out of here, I’m in.
Mark: Great. Ladies and gentlemen, John Lennon.
(standing ovation)
(glasses rise a bit, and jaunt at eye-level over to the piano)
Hermann: Vat vould you like to play?
John: A fucking Kraut, OK, and a Nazi to boot. Well, let’s see, how about a fitting one. I think you know which. The dead understand one another.
Hermann: (nods) Jawohl.
(Orchestra kicks in, piano keys start moving)
Everybody's talking and no one says a word
Everybody's making love and no one really cares
There's Nazis in orchestra right over there
Always something happening and nothing going on
There's always something cooking and nothing in the pot
They're starving back in China so finish what you got
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Strange days indeed -- strange days indeed
(Paris and Mark start dancing in the middle of the stage)
Everybody's runnin' and no one makes a move
Everyone's a winner and nothing left to lose
There's a little yellow idol to the north of Katmandu
Everybody's flying and no one leaves the ground
Everybody's crying and no one makes a sound
There's a place for us in the movies you just gotta lay around
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Strange days indeed -- most peculiar, mama
Everybody's smoking and no one's getting high
Everybody's flying and never touch the sky
There's a UFO over New York and I ain't too surprised
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Strange days indeed -- most peculiar, mama, whoa!
(wild applause, orchestra continues playing, Defensemaster inscribes a few runes on the floor, the eyeglasses fly upwards, vanishing through the ceiling, Mark turns to the camera while dancing.)
Mark: Wow! Wow. That’s it for this edition of The Mark Kingsley Show. I’d like to thank my guests, Paris Hilton, Defensemaster, Tom Vilsack and The Ghost of John Lennon. Incredible. And thanks to you, the GBCN viewers, who make this all possible. Until next time from Uranium City, good bye!
(orchestra continues playing Nobody told me, continued boisterous applause, some audience members join in the dancing on the stage, credits roll)
Dick: The Mark Kingsley Show has been a GBCN production. I’m Dick Dorkmeier.
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