Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag

Greetings to our readers and GBCN viewers across the fifty-six countries of the free world! It is I once again, Mark Kingsley, reporting to you live from Uranium City on the frozen shores of beautiful Lake Athabasca, Saskatchewan. It is time for our feature, Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag, eh, and I am pleased as an Inuit with a couple of fat seals to greet our special guest, in for a week of socializing and uranium enrichment, the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime! Hail Stingray to you!

(murmurs) Thank you, Mark. Hail Stingray!

Did you enjoy last night's show?

Yes, very much so. At least there were no real unpleasantries.

True, very true, although it could have gotten real ugly, real quick with Governor Vilsack, eh.

Sometimes we show restraint even to those who do not deserve it, Mark.

That is, as we say up here, mighty white of you, or us. Shall we take a look at the mailbag this week?

Sure. I'm interested to see what our readers and viewers are thinking.

Great! But first, a word from our sponsor...

Is this segment still being sponsored by that Teutonic sex palace?

Uh, no. As you know, we here at Festung Europa take the views of our readership into consideration when presenting products and services which may interest them. We had some complaints, eh.

Really? A lot of them?

Well, no, just one I guess. But the sheer anxiety, no make that pure fear, revealed in the letter caused me concern, and, after a bit of consulting here at our Western Hemisphere Operations Center, we decided to part on good terms with our advertiser. There are children who read this feature, you know!

I see. On to the new sponsor, then!

Righto!

*cue cheesy Italian music*

Man's voice: Honey, what's for dinner this evening?
Woman's voice: Hell if I know. We're down to our last box of mac and cheese.
Kid's voice: Don't despair people! I've been hitting the PBR!
Man: You've been drinking my Pabst Blue Ribbon, you bastard!?
Kid: No, Dad, I been checking out the Pizza Brothers' Ratings. Look here.
Woman: Oh, wow. I've been wanting to check out that pizza place, and it looks like the Pizza Bros. wholeheartedly approve.
Man: Thank the Lord we live in Colorado!
Woman: Praise Jesus!
Kid: Praise the Pizza Bros.!

Pizza Bros. Ratings: When Mac and Cheese just don't cut it!

(Donations gladly accepted!)

We're Back to Saskatchewan with the mailbag. So, Defensemaster, let's take a look at our first letter. It comes from a certain Llord:

Dear Defensemaster,

BEWARE!!!
Yesterday the guitarist from Infernal Thorn (Darin/Gorr)received a package with HIS return address on it,address TO "Blake" from Nachtmystium at Battle Kommand Records.Inside the package were two bent up, exposed syringes taped to the side of the envelope.Apparently some Aids and Hepatitis infected psychopath, is upset with the label because he didn't received his merch in a timely manner and is trying to infect Blake and I guess a few other people as well.
We would have never even know he was using Darin's name if he had had the correct address on it, luckily it got returned to sender so we were able to contact the authorities.
We believe this fucker got the address from Metal Maniac's, so beware if you have an address listed in Maniacs or any other metal mag!!!Do not open any unexpected packages.If you do receive a suspicious package contact the police immediately.
Today Darin was interviewed by the State and Federal Authorities.The Authorities informed him that this was not the first package that someone had received with his return address on it.They also told Darin that the needles were definitely contaminated.
Watch your local news and keep an eye out in the paper for more details.

THIS IS NO JOKE.

Ave Satanas,

Llord

P.S. I love my evil woman!


Dear Llord,

Well, that certainly seems to be a prickly problem, but here is a word of advice: don't count on the "authorities" to solve it. They are all Xarlons, no matter how helpful they may seem. That goes for the corrupted Xarlon Information Network (XIN), known to you as "the local news". And I wouldn't trust any "metal maniacs" either. Keep a low profile, and trust no one, especially someone named Blake.

P.S. We all love our evil women.

Didn't think we'd get a weird one like that did you?

What was so weird about it? It sounds to me like the work of the "authorities" in which Llord has put his trust. Stupid, stupid! They are obviously trying to eliminate him and his cronies for their subversive music.

You think?

Yes, I think that explains it.

Well, good luck to Llord and minions, eh! Let's see what we have for our next letter. Ah, here is one, this time from a gentle reader in Deutschland:

Lieber Defensemaster,

wann gibt es was in Festung Europa auf Deutsch? Wir wollen es lesen! Und wie bekomme ich Eintritt zu Iguana Wandas? Meine Wochenenden sind totale tote Hose!

Mit freundlichen Grüßen

Steffi aus Schweinfurt

Liebe Steffi,

wir haben lange darüber diskutiert, ob wir eine deutsche Version des Blogs veröffentlichen, aber es scheint so, dass wir in der nahen Zukunft so etwas nicht unternehmen werden. Trotzdem, bleibe bei uns, du kannst dein Englisch verbessern, und wer weiss, eines Tages könnten wir Artikel auf Deutsch veröffentlichen.

Leider ist die Sache mit Iguana Wandas Kneipe so, dass nur für eingeladene Gäste Eintritt gewährt wird. Aber bleibe auch in diesem Fall bei uns, weil wir vielleicht ein paar Karten hier verlösen werden.

Schöne Grüße aus Uranium City!

Thanks so much, Defensemaster, for taking an active part in our Mailbag this week, eh!

Mark, you know it has been a pleasure.

And thanks to the Mystic Master for our snazzy new graphics! Until next time, folks! This is Mark Kingsley, Camouflage Mariner, signing off from beautiful Uranium City!