The Mark Kingsley Show: Defensemaster Interview

(Orchestra winding up with big band version of Iron Man)

Mark: Thanks, Hermann. Aren’t they wonderful, folks?

(applause)

Mark: Hermann, you guys are going to be touring Europe soon, is that right?

Hermann: Jawohl!

Mark: Hope it works out better than the last time you tried it!

(laughter)

Hermann: Ve hope so too! (laughs boisterously)

Mark: This time London should be welcoming you with open arms!

Hermann: Zey need zum pretty big arms!

(laughter)

Mark: That’s true. Well, best of luck this time!

Hermann: Danke schön!

Mark: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for my first guest. He fought the Xarlon Army alongside Stingray at Fortress Immacula, took the pain at Victoriaville and now he is here promoting his latest venture, the web log, Festung Europa, which has been making some waves across the wild and wacky world of the world wide web. Here he is, the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime!

(orchestra plays Defensemaster March)

(standing ovation)

DMSR: (strides in, waves graciously to audience, gives “Hail Stingray” salute to Mark with raised right fist and takes seat next to him, who is seated at his oaken desk) Greetings, Mark.

Mark: And greetings to you, Defensemaster. Thanks for taking time from your busy schedule to join us in Uranium City.

DMSR: (hisses) It is a pleasure.

Mark: You just arrived this afternoon on The Condor 7000. How was the trip?

DMSR: Well, you know, Mark, there is nothing like the serenity of a dirigible.

Mark: Except if you’re on the Hindenburg!

(laughter, Hermann laughs really loudly)

DMSR: Yes, yes, that is true, but in this day and age of abundant helium and nuclear power, it is the safest way to fly. Especially if you have holographic deception technology!

Mark: And thus can avoid any unpleasant Xarlon encounters?

DMSR: Yes. Although they are tied down in their mess in Mesopotamia these days. You know, Mark, I spent some time undercover in the Xarlon Army…they are not all that they are made out to be.

Mark: And how is that?

DMSR: They still haven’t figured out how to WIN a guerilla war.

Mark: And to win it you would need to?

DMSR: (hisses) Kill every last one of them.

(audience gasps)

DMSR: No, please, let me explain. If you are really serious about establishing your control and power over an area where the population is mostly against you, you need to eliminate every bit of resistance in a quick, efficient and deadly manner. The late Saddam Hussein knew that, and that is why he kept that whole mess in check. Unfortunately, western democracies don’t seem to have the stomach for it.

Mark: I can see your point.

DMSR: Not, of course, that I am advocating it, but if you want to WIN…

Mark: Well, that would certainly make some headlines.

DMSR: Of course, you can get into the infinite cycle of violence followed by retribution which you have in Palestine today, but if you truly want to control an area plagued by guerilla violence, make them know that resistance truly is futile. Part of the problem is a failure by the Xarlon government to realize that democracy may not be the best form of government for everyone. It is a brazen assumption.

Mark: I see.

DMSR: You know, Mark, we in the Stingray Regime have thrived under a benevolent dictatorship for what, twenty years now. It is, in my opinion, the best form of government.

Mark: So, Defensemaster, tell me about your latest project, Festung Europa.

DMSR: Festung Europa is our current fortress in the eastern hemisphere, and of course, you know well the web log of the same name. It is a project started by me to keep the far-flung members of the regime informed, and it will form a key part in the coming revolution against the Xarlons. In this day and age, Mark, information is power.

Mark: Yes, and I enjoy reading your mail each week!

DMSR: (laughs, coughs, laughs again) Yes, the Back to Saskatchewan Mailbag. Well, we do need to keep has-been actors employed!

(laughter)

Mark: Hey! (laughs)

DMSR: But seriously, Mark, I appreciate you playing secretary for me. And the mail keeps coming in. Perhaps we are recruiting the next generation. Who knows?

Mark: Well, I enjoy seeing what people are writing about Festung Europa. Hey, did you meet Paris Hilton backstage?

DMSR: Yes, she is quite charming, quite unlike the image portrayed of her in the media. You should know that, Mark. There is a difference between the character and the actor.

Mark: Yes, indeed, but most importantly, is she wearing underwear?

(laughter)

DMSR: Well, since I see in infrared, I know the answer, but I’m not telling! You’re a player, Kingsley, find out for yourself!

(laughter)

Mark: And I see in Festung Europa that Exira, Iowa is celebrating their Sesquicentennial this year. What kind of connection exists between that hamlet and you?

DMSR: I don’t know if you are aware of this, Mark, but I was given a holographic disguise which allowed me to live undercover on a farm there for eighteen years. That kept me hidden from the Xarlons, who at that time didn’t patrol much in the hinterlands outside of the Metroplex. There, I also had the time to perfect the holographic technology we were using at the time. And so, I have a kind of connection with the town. Of course, I can only visit when using a hologram. The image of a two-meter, silicon-based creature with a metallic skull visage and blood-red, glowing eyes would tend to frighten these good, church-going folk!

Mark: I can understand that. But why no hologram today?

DMSR: Because there is no city like Uranium City, Mark. Here I can relax among friends.

(applause)

Mark: And, you know, two of these friends, Sam and Jessie, will be accompanying you on your return journey.

DMSR: (hisses) Yes, congratulations to you both. We shall have a nice time. I brought Vincent Norby along, who does our navigation on-board with his astronomical knowledge. I don’t trust the Xarlon GPS satellites. Professor Norby has some nice astronomical evenings planned, should we get some clear skies.

Mark: Sounds like fun. Maybe I’ll come along.

DMSR: You are most welcome, Mark.

Mark: Any plans for new columns in Festung Europa?

DMSR: Well, as you know, we are STILL waiting on our new fashion column. The whole fashion idea was mine. I see how the media can influence the minds of the young, so I thought if we started a feature such as this, we could win a few more fighters for the revolution. Look at the popularity of someone like Miss Hilton. We want to spread our propaganda to these people.

Mark: And what would your message be?

DMSR: (hisses) All is an illusion.

Mark: Wow. Hey, thanks for dropping in! Will you stick around for our other guests?

DMSR: It would be a pleasure.

Mark: And with that, folks, we’ll be right back after these important messages.

(Orchestra kicks in with jazzy version of Heartbreaker)