The Mark Kingsley Show: Tom Vilsack Interview

(Orchestra wraps up killer version of Breed)

Mark: We’re back with the Defensemaster of the Stingray Regime. Heard from Stingray lately?

DMSR: The last I heard from him was a New Year’s greeting he submitted to Festung Europa. I believe he is doing well, but you know, he is required to live deep, deep undercover; far more than you or I.

Mark: Is he still within the Xarlon Metroplex?

DMSR: I am not at liberty to say.

Mark: I understand. Greetings to him if he is watching!

DMSR: Well, sometimes the GBCN signal can be received where he is, sometimes not.

Mark: How about the Mystic Master, your old sidekick? I see he provided us with a summoning spell for the dead.

DMSR: Well, that’s not too difficult, if you know where to look. But his summoning spells always provided a little more security for those in attendance than one from The Drugmaster, for example. His were always quite reckless. I’m sure your audience will appreciate that.

Mark: Well, we wouldn’t want anyone to die tonight, would we?

DMSR: (hisses) Of course not.

Mark: And you have seen our musical guests in concert before, haven’t you?

DMSR: Who are they again?

Mark: Steve Garvey and The Love Boat Guys.

DMSR: Ah, yes. Long hair and pastels, ballads and crawling on tables, drinking some chick’s drink, the lead singer always looked like someone had a gun trained on him, you know, always dodging back and forth onstage.

Mark: That would be Steve…

DMSR: Whoever. Let’s just hope that they’ve got a new look! Of course, white sport coats and black T-shirts may be in again.

(laughter)

Mark: We shall see shortly! Our next guest wants to succeed American President George Bush in the White House, so don your raincoats, folks, we are about to be slimed! Please welcome former Iowa Governor, Tom Vilsack!

(applause)

(Vilsack comes out, shakes hands with a few front row audience members, shakes hands with Mark and the Defensemaster, takes seat next to Mark, between him and Defensemaster)

Mark: Welcome, Governor.

Vilsack: Thanks Mark, it’s great to be here in Uranium City.

(applause)

DMSR: (hisses) Nothing like sucking up to the home crowd.

Vilsack: You did it, too!

DMSR: Yeah, but they love me. You just want our viewers in America to see how folksy you are.

Vilsack: Well, I guess you’re right. I want to be President of the United States.

Mark: Who wouldn’t?

DMSR: I, for one. You filthy Xarlons should be wiped out.

Mark: Now, please Defensemaster, we did agree beforehand that we wouldn’t let things get ugly.

DMSR: Yes, you’re right, we granted this guy safe passage, who knows why?

Mark: We needed another guest.

Vilsack: Did I mention I want to be President?

DMSR: Yes, you did.

Mark: So, tell us, Governor. What would you do if elected?

Vilsack: Mark, I would focus on creating a viable energy policy and a…

DMSR: (interrupting) Come on, Governor, you don’t actually think you will get elected do you? Isn’t this just a ploy to get some juicy cabinet position in a Democratic administration, should they be elected?

Vilsack: Well, no, I intend…

Mark: Well, isn’t it?

Vilsack: I didn’t expect such a harsh reception.

DMSR: Well, what DID you expect you Xarlon scum?

(audience gasps)

Mark: Perhaps we should cut this thing short…

DMSR: (barks) I could end this right now!

Mark: Please, Defensemaster, remember our agreement.

DMSR: This bastard sat in the middle of the Xarlon Metroplex for eight years, and what did he accomplish? Nothing but “feel good community” crap and graft. He sold the farmers out for the large agribusiness interests, just as his other Xarlon brethren, the Republicans. Why, pray tell, can some factory farm set up in Iowa with no control at the local level, where the stench of these cruel operations permeates the very clothing of the residents. The swine used to be a holy animal among the Germanic tribes, and now it is treated purely as a widget, a commodity in the system. Where is the basic respect for life, that a creature providing sustenance be allowed to live a life free of pain until the sacrifice must be made? Where is the basic respect for the property rights of people against the powers of Xarlon “agribusiness”? And when did we substitute “agriculture”, which implies a way of life, with “agribusiness”, which implies nothing but making money?

Vilsack: Now come on, I did support programs…

DMSR: (growls) Then why can I smell the stink from here?

Mark: You have to consider aliens with incredible olfactory sensibilities, Governor.

Vilsack: But…

DMSR: No buts about it, send this joker on his way. And may your god have mercy on you, especially should you ever become secretary of agriculture.

Mark: I guess that’s it, Governor. Thanks for dropping by, though.

(weak applause, mumbled chatter)

Mark: Tom Vilsack, ladies and gentlemen!

(sporadic applause)

(Vilsack, flustered, briefly waves and departs.)

Mark: Hit it, Hermann!

(Orchestra kicks in with a snappy version of I’m a Loser)