The Mark Kingsley Show: Cooking with Peter Lou Demerius

(Orchestra wraps up a ska version of Slide It In.)

(applause)

(Mark and Loren, both wearing aprons emblazoned with The Mark Kingsley Show, are mid-stage, where a demonstration kitchen has been set up. A large mirror hangs over the kitchen, so the audience can see what’s cooking)

Mark: Welcome back to The Mark Kingsley Show, eh. Festung Europa Iowa Correspondent and Man about Town, Loren Christensen is with me, and Master Chef Peter Lou Demerius is going to join us via holographic link up to do a little cooking. Do you spend a lot of time in the kitchen, Loren?

Loren: USUALLY CLEANING UP AFTER MY KIDS!

(laughter)

Mark: How about cooking? What are the specialties around the Christensen home?

Loren: WELL, MARK; I CAN BAKE SOME PRETTY DARN GOOD RYE BREAD. AND I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO COOK UP SOME TASTY FRIKADELLER AS WELL.

Mark: Sounds good, Loren. Perhaps I’ll don a hologram and drop in someday at your kitchen, eh. Are we good to go, Dick?

Dick: We’re on, Mark. The holographic link has started.

(Suddenly, a short, paunchy, balding man with an apron appears next to Loren.)

Mark: Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Master Chef, Peter Lou Demerius!

(applause, orchestra plays short Demolition Man intro)

Peter Lou: (in gravelly, New Jersey-style Italian accent) Nice to be here, Mark.

Mark: I believe you have met Loren Christensen before, eh?

Peter Lou: Yeah, we were at a party together one time, when was dat, eighty-seven, I think.

Loren: YEAH, I THINK YOU’RE RIGHT.

Peter Lou: Of course, I am, dickweed. Yeah, eighty-seven.

Mark: So what’s on the menu tonight, Peter Lou?

Peter Lou: Mark, I’m floatin’ here over Iceland in the Condor 7000, and da mood strikes me for an Alpine winter menu, somethin’ après ski.

Mark: Sounds delicioso, Peter Lou! Since you are here holographically, perhaps you can give us, your kitchen hands for the evening, instructions as we cook the meal.

Peter Lou: Yeah, of course. Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight’s menu, a party favorite in da Alpine ski regions, is going to feature da following dishes:

An Aperitif of Jagertee

Appenzeller Cheese Fondue

Traditional Swiss Raclette

Mousse au Chocolate

Mark: Peter Lou, I’ve heard of fondue before, but what is raclette?

Peter Lou: Raclette was developed by da Swiss meltin’ da sliced edge of a cheese round in front of the fire, cuttin’ it off with a knife and enjoyin’ da melty, gooey mixture with bread and pickled delicacies. You’ve gotta remember, Mark, this stuff is before da day when we can get produce shipped from 2000 miles away. People put their garden food by in da summer and broke out the canned, often pickled, stuff in the winter.

Mark: I see. And so we’re going to have a big fire to melt the cheese?

Peter Lou: Well, in today’s modern environment, we are goin’ to use a standard raclette grill, which allows you to grill food on top and melt cheese in trays underneath. It’s a real hit for parties. In fact, both fondue and raclette are perfect for an après ski party, as it allows da diners to participate a bit in the preparation of da meal at table, and, of course, creates a very social atmosphere.

Mark: Sounds great, but you know what, Peter Lou. My idea of social starts with a beverage. You mentioned an aperitif?

Peter Lou: Yeah, Mark. We’re goin’ to brew an Alpine standard, Jagertee, which is essentially spiked black tee.

Mark: Super, super. Dick, could someone bring out the table and chairs, along with the raclette grill and fondue pot?

Dick: Right away, Mark.

(Black elf stagehands bring out the table with six chairs, as well as the raclette and fondue pot. Quickly and efficiently, in fact, in a mere 30 seconds, the table is set and ready.)

Mark: Hermann, you are a true renaissance man. Would you like to help us out? I know you would like to help us eat.

(laughter, applause)

Hermann: Ja, ja. I come over, Mark. (Hermann joins them midstage and puts an apron on over his light blue Luftwaffe uniform.)

Peter Lou: OK, folks, if you are payin’ attention at home, we’ll go through each of da recipes now.

Mark: And, of course, if you are liquored up or otherwise impaired, you can get these recipes by mailing us a self-addressed, stamped envelope, eh.

Peter Lou: Since I have you three helpers, I am goin’ to put each one of you in charge of a dish. Mark, since you and Loren are some of the cheesiest folks this side of da ruins of Fortress Immacula, you will handle da raclette and fondue courses, respectively. Hermann, can you handle da chocolate mousse?

Hermann: Jawohl.

Peter Lou: And, to da viewers at home, since we’re broadcastin’ outta Canada, we’ll be usin’ da metric system, which you shouldda learnt in high school anyway!

Mark: OK, I’m ready for a drink. Let’s start with the Jagertee, eh!

Loren: SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

Peter Lou: Have a shot of da cherry schnapps to tide you over. We’ll get Hermann started on the mousse.

Mark: (taking bottle and pouring three shot glasses full) Don’t mind if we do! Prost, eh!

(Mark, Hermann and Loren each down a shot.)

Peter Lou: Although we’ve got a mousse ready in da fridge, we’ll start with da dessert course, as it takes the longest to prepare due to the refrigeration time. Here are the necessary ingredients:

(recipe superimposed on video feed)

Mousse au Chocolate (serves six)

You’re gonna need :

3 fresh eggs

200 g whipping cream

40 g sugar

100 g high quality bitter chocolate (70% cocoa)

100 g high quality milk chocolate

Ok, Hermann, separate the eggs. Loren, can you help Hermann? One of you should beat da yolks and the other da whites until they are stiff.

Mark, could you melt da chocolate together in this double boiler?

Mark: OK.

Peter Lou: When the chocolate has melted Mark, shut off da heat so dat it remains lukewarm and fluid, stirring occasionally.

Hermann, now that da yolks are beat, we’re gonna add two tablespoons of hot water to dem and while stirring, sprinkle da sugar into dem.

Mark, bring da chocolate over Hermann, and let him stir da fluid mass into the egg yolks.

(Mark complies)

Loren, bring your beaten egg whites and the whipping cream over to Hermann. Hermann, you are gonna immediately stir dees into your mass.

Hermann: (laughing) Okey Dokey, Peter Lou.

Peter Lou: When it is all good and mixed, stir it into da glass bowl, Hermann. We’ll put this in da fridge for 2 – 3 hours, but don’t worry, there is already a bowl ready.

Loren: GREAT, I’M STARVIN’.

Mark: Hold your horses, eh. We’re going to enjoy this feast together!

Hermann (to Loren): You can lick zee bowl, Loren.

(laughter)

Mark: So, now can we make the Jagertee, Peter Lou?

Peter Lou: Hermann will make da tea as well. Have another shot of cherry schnapps! (All comply) Hermann, you can start on da Jagertee by boiling a pot of strong, black tea, sweetened as you like it.

Hermann: Jawohl. (starts brewing tea)

Peter Lou: Mark and Loren, I need you two to start on da cheese dishes. Loren, for da fondue, you will need da followin’:

(recipe superimposed on video feed)

Appenzeller Cheese Fondue (serves 6)

1 garlic clove

750 ml good white wine

450 g Swiss Emmentaler cheese, roughly grated

600 g Appenzeller cheese, roughly grated

4-1/2 tablespoons corn starch

3 shots cherry schapps

1 kg dark rye bread

OK, da fondue will be heated in what is known as a caquelon. This ceramic bowl will be heated at table over a low butane burner, but we will heat it on da stove as we prepare this.

Loren, rub the inside of the caquelon wit’ da garlic clove. Don’t worry about the smell on your hands; I’m sure you’re accustomed to stinky fingers.

(laughter)

Loren: LOVELY.

Peter Lou: Good, put da caquelon on the stove and heat it. Mark, while he’s doing dat, you can start preparing da raclette. First thing, you can turn on da raclette grill on da table. We’ll be making a traditional Swiss raclette and you’ll need da followin’:

(recipe superimposed on video feed)

Traditional Swiss Raclette (serves 4-6)

500 g boiled potatoes

200 g raclette cheese (you can get this at gourmet shops)

2 tomatoes

100 g sour pickles

½ green pepper

½ onion

300 g yogurt

100 g crème fraiche

salt & pepper

paprika

garlic

To save time, da black elves have already boiled da potatoes in der jackets and peeled ‘em. Mark, you can begin by slicing da raclette cheese, da tomatoes, da pickles, da green pepper and da onion. Da vegetables should be bite-sized.

Back to you Loren, for da fondue, pour da white wine into da caquelon and heat moderately. Press the remaining garlic into da wine. You’ll be slowly mixing all da grated cheese into this over moderate heat. Pour da three shots, hey where are they?

(all shrug, laughter)

Peter Lou: OK; pour three more shots and this time, mix dem with the corn starch, adding this to da cooking cheese mixture as well. Be sure it doesn’t cook too fast, and keep stirring, Loren.

Loren: ALRIGHT.

Peter Lou: Is that tea ready, Hermann? OK, for authentic Alpine Jagertee, you need da followin’:

Jagertee (serves a party)

1 liter strong black tea, sweetened to taste

1 liter red wine

2 cinnamon sticks

8 cloves

12 shots of rum

12 shots of pear schnapps

OK, Hermann, add the red wine and the spices to the tea and let them stand for 3 to 5 minutes, after which you will add the 24 shots of booze. You can further sweeten the mixture to taste.

(laughter)

Yeah, it may be a bit extreme, but what da hey?! You can, of course, reduce da booze as required.

Mark: Who would want to do that, Peter Lou?

Peter Lou: Beats da hell outta me, Mark!

(laughter)

Peter Lou: OK, Mark, you are going to mix your yogurt, crème fraiche, garlic, salt, pepper and paprika together to make a nice dip for da raclette. Put all da cut-up veggies in little trays, da raclette cheese as well, and bring it all over to our table. We are about ready to feast!

Hermann: (clasping hands together) Ausgezeichnet!

Peter Lou: Hermann, pour us each a cup of warm Jagertee. Loren, bring your fondue pot to da table as well, placing it over da lit burner.

Loren: OK.

(all gather round the table, bringing the food and drink as requested and take their places)

Mark: Dick, come over and join us as well, eh.

(Dick joins them)

Peter Lou: Now the deal with da raclette grill is this: you can grill whatever you’d like. There are some fresh bratwurst to throw on da grill here. Mix the veggies in your tray, and put a slice of raclette cheese over dem. Now slip the tray under da grill, where in about 10 minutes, it will be golden brown and melted, perfect to put on da bread. We’ll eat it with da boiled potatoes and bratwurst, with da dip on the side.

The fondue is pretty simple: dip da pieces of rye bread into da gooey cheese mixture. Da chocolate mousse, of course, comes later.

Mark: Well, this all is really splendid, Peter Lou. Wish you could be here in person to enjoy this with us!

Peter Lou: Defensemaster and I are going to enjoy it on da Condor 7000 with our guests tonight as well.

Hermann: (tasting the fondue) Der Käse ist sehr gut!

Peter Lou: This après ski menu is da perfect accompaniment to a winter evening.

Mark: Indeed. Loren, could you start us off with a toast? (all raise their cups of Jagertee)

Loren: UH, SURE, MARK. HERE’S TO WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR. IT’S NOT THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD, BUT IT’S RIGHT NEXT TO IT!

(laughter)

Mark: Here, here. And with that, folks, we end another episode of The Mark Kingsley Show. (applause begins, orchestra begins with end title music) Please join me in thanking our guests, Loren Christensen, Hillary Clinton, H-shoes for A-holes and Peter Lou Demerius! And thanks to the Mystic Master as well for our spiffy new graphics! We’ll be back again soon from beautiful Uranium City. And now, if you’ll excuse us, let’s eat, eh!

(applause continues, all dig in, roll credits)

Dick’s voice on tape: This has been a GBCN production. I’m Dick Dorkmeier.