The Mark Kingsley Show: Hillary Clinton Interview

(Orchestra winds up with a kick-ass version of Tusk)

(applause)

Mark: We’re back with the Mark Kingsley Show. I’m here tonight with, uh. (leans to Loren and whispers) help me out here (Loren whispers name) Loren Christensen, and also have Master Chef Peter Lou Demerius via holographic link as well as H-shoes for A-holes. Our next guest tonight was First Lady of the United States for eight years and has been a United States Senator from New York for the past six. She wants to be President, folks, and she is, and I quote “in it to win”. (turns to Loren) I guess that is in contrast to Governor Vilsack, who is in it to get a cabinet job. Please welcome to the program, Senator Hillary Clinton!

(Orchestra starts up with a snappy version of the Beatles’ She’s a Woman)

(applause)

(Hillary enters from behind curtain, waves to audience, walks over to Mark, shakes hands, shakes Loren’s hand, and sits down next to the desk, between Loren and Mark)

Mark: Thanks for being with us, tonight, Senator.

Hillary: Thank you, Mark. (smiles) It is nice to be here.

Mark: Did you manage to catch your competition on the program last week?

Hillary: I didn’t think Senator Obama was on.

(laughter)

Mark: Well, you are right, you can’t really call Governor Vilsack competition.

Hillary: Governor who?

(laughter)

Mark: That pretty much sums it up, eh. So, how does it feel to be the Democratic frontrunner?

Hillary: Mark, we still have a long way to go.

Mark: I know, I know, but the polls put you out ahead of everyone, including Barack Obama.

Hillary: Senator Obama is a great colleague, but I think what the American voters are looking for is someone with…

Loren: (interrupting) A UTERUS?

(laughter)

Hillary: (a bit flustered) Someone with experience. I mean, if you look at my six years in the Senate…

Mark: Well, Senator, you did vote for the latest Xarlon war. Don’t you think that makes you vulnerable?

Hillary: But I am now supporting a non-binding resolution…

Mark: I think the key words here are “non-binding”. Don’t you think it is a bit late, especially since you seem to support a new war against Iran?

Hillary: I don’t support a war against Iran, but if our friends in Israel are threatened…

Loren: (smirking) AND THE ZIONISTS FUNNEL A LOT OF MONEY INTO YOUR CAMPAIGN…

Hillary: That’s not true!

Mark: Let me quote the following from an AIPAC meeting where you spoke last week regarding Iran: "No option can be taken off the table when dealing with that nation. U.S. policy must be clear and unequivocal: We cannot, we should not, we must not permit Iran to build or acquire nuclear weapons." Do you actually buy this, or was this just to please the Zionists?

Hillary: No, Mark, I actually buy this.

Loren: (grinning) BECAUSE THE ZIONISTS HAVE BOUGHT YOU!

(laughter, Hillary scorns)

Mark: Don’t you think it is a rather risky deal, Senator, risky in that you could alienate the anti-war faction within the Democratic Party, but suggesting that another war with Iran would be justified?

Hillary: No, Mark, I believe that Americans know when it is right to commit our armed forces to war.

Loren: (giggling) JUST LIKE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS RIGHT IN IRAQ? HOW CAN YOU CONDEMN MDM'S IF YOU VOTED FOR THE BILL WITH THE SAME "INTELLIGENCE" THAT PRESIDENT BUSH HAD????

(laughter)

Hillary: Well, we were misled a bit by the Bush administration on that one.

Mark: But didn’t you perhaps have access to the classified documentation as well?

Hillary: Like I said, I thought it was the right thing at the time, as did many people.

Mark: Sure, I guess I believe you. Loren, do you have any questions for the Senator?

Loren: HILLARY, DON'TCHA S’POSE THERE'LL BE A LITTLE FALLOUT WHAT WITH 'OLE BILL HAVIN' 6 YEARS OUT TO STUD? YOU CAN'T TELL ME HE CHANGED THAT MUCH. I WONDER HOW LONG IT WILL BE BEFORE THE SCANDALS OF HIS LATEST ESCAPADES BEGIN TO BREAK. ALL IT TAKES IS ONE OVERWEIGHT MEDIOCRE BRUNETTE WITH A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK, OR MAYBE NONE AT ALL TO PUT BILL IN A "BOOBYTRAP" IF YOU'LL PARDON THE EXPRESSION.

Hillary: Well, I never.

Loren: (winking) BUT BILL SURE 'NUFF DID!

(laughter)

Mark: Yeah, I guess there is the question of your experience with, how did you put it, “evil and bad men”.

(laughter)

Hillary: I was referring to my experience on the world stage with tyrants.

Loren: THAT’S A STAGE SHOW I’D PAY TO SEE!

(laughter)

Mark: Count me in on that one as well, eh. Picture her and that lil’ fella from North Korea, Loren.

(laughter)

Hillary: (outraged) If you don’t want to talk about my policies and instead just choose to focus on my husband’s past, then I’m leaving!

Mark: Ah, come on, Senator, don’t take it personally. Maybe you’d like to sing a number for us. Perhaps the Xarlon national anthem?

(laughter, orchestra starts drum roll)

Hillary: (getting up to go, mumbles) I can’t believe my campaign manager set me up with this one.

Loren: DOES IT FREAK YOU OUT TO KNOW THAT MORE MEN LIKE YOU THAN WOMEN? WHAT DOES THAT IMPLY. THERE IS SOME PSYCHOLOGY GOING ON HERE.

Hillary: (walking away) That’s it. Good bye.

Loren: (chirps) DON’T LET THE SCREEN DOOR HIT YOU IN THE POOPER ON THE WAY OUT, YA HEAR!

(laughter)

Mark: Senator Hillary Clinton, ladies and gentlemen!

(mixed applause and laughter)

(orchestra starts playing Honky Tonk Woman, Hillary waves to audience and disappears behind curtain)

Mark: Wow, Loren, I’ll have whatever you’re having during the next break. (laughing) On to the hookah lounge!

Loren: HE HE HE!

Mark: We’ll be right back folks after these important messages!

(Orchestra continues with Honky Tonk Woman)

(applause)