Official Thoughts on Valentine's Day...by Stingray!
Yes, gentle readers, we do indeed have a treat for you this holiday: a special Stingray guest essay with his thoughts on this day of love. So cozy up on the couch with your main squeeze, settle in and enjoy!
Keep love alive - Stingray
Valentine's Day
by Stingray
by Stingray
Alright I just took a second to think about it and this is what I came up with: It's just another "I love you holiday". You got your little sweetie or the doberman pinscher you have been baiting with biscuits and innuendo for who knows how long, right? If you are to damn dumb or just didn't have the nuts to do something thoughtful, now you have a built in excuse. Either that or an annual booby trap just sitting out there waiting for you to fuck up your relationship again. Then you can patch it up with some chocolate and flowers.
So what you do is you pet that little puppy nice and sweet and talk in your little dog voice until that bitch that won't settle for anything less than the petite fillet. Then you take her home and wear out your jaw spinning the button like something meaningful was going to pop out. But as usual you get slimy cheese and then you can pop in your dog dick red dog dick and then roll over and go to sleep.
Hey man, fact is that we Americans got to have a holiday every 4 to 6 weeks to keep that economy rolling. There are little Chinese dudes stuffing teddy bears on a wooden stool in a giant warehouse someplace we will never dare go. Do you think those bastards like knowing where that bear is going and how it might get some dim witted American laid on Valentine's Day? They are killing their daughters so we can have flat screen television in the lobbies of our abortion clinics. Where is the justice in it all?
So to make a sense out of anything I just said, remember these things:
- If you are into Valentines day then knock yourself out.
- If you are dumb your chances of getting laid on Valentine's day can increase by up to 3.5%.
- If you have sex with your pets then you don't get to celebrate anything because I said so.
- If you work in a factory in China then that sucks for you.
And lastly I will leave you with this original Stingray joke - Do you know the best part about being 13 and going to Planned Parenthood is? At least you are getting laid.
Comments