The Mark Kingsley Show: What's On Yer Mind?

(Orchestra wraps up with My Hero’s Zero)

(applause)

Mark: We’re back, folks, at the Prospector Theatre, eh. And we’ve got a great show lined up for you tonight. Loren Christensen, that Iowa Correspondent and Man about Town, is with us, as is Senator Hillary Clinton, Peter Lou Demerius and a new band, H-shoes for A-holes.

Mark: And now, it is time once again for one of our favorite segments…

(‘What’s On Yer Mind’ sign is lowered from ceiling, audience recites, “What’s On Yer Mind”, orchestral fanfare)

(Mark, being a hologram, fades from his desk and starts popping up rapidly at various locations around the studio audience, finally stopping next to a little old lady dressed in calico with a black hat.)

Dick: Stop showing off your hologram, Mark!

(audience laughs)

Mark: (chuckles) Might as well do it while I got the chance, eh.

(laughter)

Mark: (turning to lady) And to whom might I be speaking?

Old lady: (screeches) My name is Henrietta.

Mark: And so, Henrietta (gestures to audience, all repeat), “What’s on yer mind?”

Henrietta: Mark, I’ve enjoyed your show for many years now, but I have a problem. My son, Bud, thinks that you are a bad influence and won’t let my dear, dear grandchildren watch your program. I tell him that it is hard to find good, wholesome family entertainment nowadays, but he won’t change his mind—he says your show is, is…

Mark: Is what, Henrietta?

Henrietta: (whispers) …the work of the devil!

(laughter)

Mark: Oh, come now, Henrietta, do we look like a gang of deviant, evil Satanist thugs here, or what? (puts holographic arm around her)

(more laughter, Hermann chuckles, looks to each side and shrugs)

Henrietta: I know, I know, Mark, but what can I do? I’m on a fixed income and am fortunate enough to be able to live with my son, but I’m forced to pick up the program on a UHF antenna on a black and white TV set in the basement, while they all watch American Idol on the big screen upstairs!

Mark: (crackling with static) Well, Henrietta, we may have just the thing for you. Are you thinking what I am thinking, Dick?

Dick: That’s right, Mark. Henrietta, we’re going to give you our special GBCN viewer’s pack, chock full of just what you need to keep up with your favorite programming. It includes a 50 inch plasma TV with special GBCN satellite receiver, and more importantly, an electronic jamming system to block out XIN broadcasts within a 5 mile radius. You can send all those American Idols back home with that one, Henrietta! And, being the sheep that they are, your family will soon be tuning in to all your favorite GBCN programming with you!

(applause)

Henrietta: (beaming) Oh, that’s wonderful!

Dick: And that’s not all, Henrietta. To spend quality time with your grandchildren while not watching GBCN, we’ve included the brand-new, Take The Pain home edition game from Parker Brothers. Whether it be Xerostat on the teeth, fire to the flesh or just a good old fashioned spanking, you and yours will have hours of fun “taking the pain” in pure Stingray fashion!

(applause)

Henrietta: My, oh my. (teary-eyed) I don’t know what to say, Mark.

Mark: You don’t have to say anything, Henrietta. Congratulations, and thanks for telling us…

All: What’s on yer mind!

(applause)

(Mark hugs Henrietta once more, then vanishes slowly, reappearing simultaneously in the far left rear of the auditorium)

Mark: Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever been back here before, eh. (interrupts young, teenage couple making out in the back row)

(laughter)

Mark: Dick, I hope people don’t actually pay to sit back here. You’d need some good old fashioned opera glasses, eh.

Dick: Well, Mark, I don’t think a lot of the folks back there are that interested in the show.

(laughter)

Mark: I find THAT hard to believe. Excuse me, folks, what are your names? (turns to couple, each having long hair and stocking caps)

Dude: Uh, I’m Chuck and this is Sara.

Mark: Hi Chuck, hi Sara. Sara, I think we all know what’s on Chuck’s mind, eh.

(laughter, Sara turns red-faced)

Mark: So why don’t you tell us, Sara, (all repeat) “What’s on yer mind?”

Sara: Uh, I don’t know.

(laughter)

Mark: (chuckling, fades a bit) Well, there must be something you are thinking about?

Sara: Not really.

(laughter)

Mark: Nothing, nothing at all??

Sara: No.

(laughter)

Mark: (brightens dramatically)You know what, Sara, I believe we may have just the thing for you to get your brain cells spinning, eh. Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Dick?

Dick: Yes, Mark, indeed we have just the thing for these young people. Sara, you and Chuck are going to receive the gold, 20^th anniversary edition of that classic God Bureau game, Which Would You Rather Have? In it, you and Chuck will be forced to think about something as you must make decisions regarding such issues as: Which would you rather have, the ability to fly or the ability to breathe underwater? Or which would you rather have, the Floppy Package, i.e. the corpse of Duane, the box and the dog, or the Blood Flag from the 1923 Putsch? Which Would You Rather Have? will provide you both with hours of fun, thought-provoking entertainment. And being a God Bureau game, it’s just plain good for you!

(applause)

Sara: Uh, thanks, I guess.

Mark: OK, Sara, promise me this…come back with Chuck in a couple of months and then tell us…

All: What’s on yer mind!

(applause)

Sara: (smiles) OK.

Mark: (fades to normal) Super! We’ll be right back folks with that Man about Town, Loren Christensen, so stay tuned!

(applause)

(Orchestra kicks in with that big band classic, In the Mood)