The Mark Kingsley Show: Intro

(Cue big band theme)

Ladies and Gentlemen, straight from Uranium City’s Prospector Theatre, it’s The Mark Kingsley Show!

Please join Mark tonight with his guests:

Festung Europa Iowa Correspondent and Man about Town, Loren Christensen

US Senator and presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton

Master Chef Peter Lou Demerius

And a special, musical guest, H-Shoes for A-Holes!

Join me, Dick Dorkmeier, and the Hermann Göring Orchestra in a warm welcome for a man who, unlike George Thorogood, never drinks alone, Mark Kingsley!

(applause)

(Mark comes out from behind curtain, which has flashing “The Mark Kingsley Show” sign hung in front of it, waves to audience)

Mark: Hey, folks! Thank you very much!

(applause continues)

Mark (bowing to Dick, waves to Hermann): Thank you.

(applause continues and starts to die down)

Mark: (standing midstage) Thanks, ladies and gentlemen, it’s great to be here.

Mark: Well, that was some send-off last night, eh?

Dick: What send off was that, Mark?

Mark: Defensemaster and The Condor 7000, of course, off on their way back to Europa.

Dick: Ah, yes, well those things usually mean a good party at the Uranium City Airport.

Mark: That they do, so please, Hermann, take it a bit easy on the fanfares tonight, OK?

(loud orchestral fanfare, Hermann dances a jig with baton in hand)

(laughter)

Hermann: Okie Dokie, Mark!

Mark: (holding head in hands) Lovely.

(laughter)

Dick: Well, you wouldn’t expect anything less, would you?

Mark: No, I guess not, eh.

Mark: But we did have a nice send-off for the airship.

Dick: How did Sam and Jessie enjoy coming on board?

Mark: Ah, yes, the special guests…well, aside from the anal cavity search, I think they loved it.

(laughter)

Mark: You know, Dick, in this day and age, security comes first. Just ask the Xarlons.

(laughter)

Mark: But seriously, a good time was had by all.

Dick: I hope the Defensemaster wasn’t pushing that henbane stuff on you.

Mark: I’m here, aren’t I?

(image of Mark crackles with static, indicating a possible holographic image)

Dick: Perhaps not! (throws clipboard at Mark, flies right through him without stopping)

Dick: I thought so! Hologram!

(audience gasps, mumbled conversation)

Mark: Let’s just keep the show rolling, eh. Right, Dick? (laughs nervously)

Dick: I agree. But what kind of holographic technology are you using? It seems a bit outdated.

Mark: It’s your standard 70’s stuff, like most of my material. (images burns suddenly brighter than normal)

(laughter)

Mark: I know, I need to upgrade. Maybe I’ll call that Xarlon Technomaster Bill Gates and get a Vista hologram! (image recedes to normal brightness)

(laughter)

Dick: You'll probably need a lot of patches and updates with that one, Mark.

Mark: No doubt about that, Dick. (fades a bit, than surges brightly again) Did you see that thing on the news about the bomb scare in Boston?

Dick: Yeah, I did…those Xarlons sure are nervous there. Turns out the thing was just some media stunt by a GBCN competitor for some program of theirs.

Mark: Now, if it had had Osama bin Laden giving everybody the finger, then I could understand their fears, eh. (fades to normal)

(laughter)

Mark: I think they have been watching too many old Batman reruns at Boston City Hall. Sounds like something the Joker would have used.

(laughter)

Dick: And the funny thing was, this media stunt was in many other Xarlon Metroplexi for a couple of weeks, and no one thought twice about it.

Mark: (imitating Robin from Batman) “Holy Embarassment, Batman!” I’m sure the Xarlon authorities will find some way to send the culprits to Guantanamo, anyway. No fun allowed here, boys.

(laughter)

Dick: Didn’t you get an offer once to play one of Batman’s villains back in the 1960’s, Mark?

Mark: Yeah, I was to be The Fondler…something about liquor and little girls, eh.

(laughter)

Mark: So who do we have on the show tonight, Dick?

Dick: Well, believe it or not, we’ve got that Festung Europa Iowa Correspondent and Man about Town, Loren Christensen, straight in by dog sled from the Xarlon Metroplex.

Mark: Unbelievable. They let him out nowadays?

Dick: Apparently so. Must have gotten a 4-day pass. And we have another politician…

(some boos from audience)

Mark: Not another Xarlon! Didn’t we learn our lesson from last week?

Dick: Well, the chance of extreme violence is less this time around. We have, as our guest, the Honorable Hillary Clinton, Senator from New York, who is also running for President.

Mark: Did she bring her husband, The Fondler?

(laughter)

Dick: No, he wasn’t able to make it.

Mark: Well, that should be an interesting interview, eh. And who else do we have?

Dick: We have a holographic link with the Condor 7000 for a cooking segment with Master Chef and Explosives Expert, Peter Lou Demerius!

Mark: Awesome. That man can cook…he takes the saying “Cooking with Gas” literally.

(laughter)

Mark: And musically, who’s on for tonight? (hologram flickers, repeats) Who’s on for tonight?

Dick: A new band called H-shoes for A-Holes is here, promoting their first album, “Picnic”.

Mark: I’ve never heard of them, but the name says it all, I guess.

(laughter)

Mark: (calling to the band) And how are you doing tonight, Hermann?

Hermann: (chuckling, still sweating a bit from the jig earlier) Wunderbar!

Mark: Then hit it, eh!

(Hermann turns around as the orchestra kicks in with a big band version of the original Batman theme)

Mark: (filled with a bit of static) We’ll be right back after these messages with Loren Christensen, ladies and gentlemen! Stay tuned!

(applause)