The Mark Kingsley Show: Loren Christensen Interview
(Orchestra wraps up with a jazzy version of Back in Black)
(applause)
Mark: We’re back in beautiful Uranium City! Senator Hillary Clinton and Master Chef Peter Lou Demerius are on the program this evening, as well as the television premiere of a new musical project, H-shoes for A-holes. I wonder what that’s all about, eh. Hermann, what do you think?
Hermann: (chuckling) I don’t know, Mark. Zee Russians hat eine band back in zee fifties, H-bombs for A-holes, maybe it is a remake? It was a real hit in zee cold war!
(laughter)
Mark: We shall see, Hermann. I can’t wait. (flickers) I’m shakin’ with excitement!
(laughter)
Mark: Our first guest is here promoting his new book (holds book up to camera) 
and is perhaps best know for his work as the Iowa Correspondent and Man about Town for the Defensemaster’s weblog, Festung Europa. Please welcome to the program, Mr. Loren Christensen, ladies and gentlemen!
(Orchestra kicks in with Start Me Up, Loren comes out from behind curtain, waves to Hermann, who waves back, waves to audience, comes over to Mark at desk, shakes hands and sits down next to Mark)
Mark: Welcome to the show, Loren.
Loren: WELL THANKS MARK. WHAT'S ON THE AGENDA TODAY???
Mark. So let’s talk about your new book.
Loren: UH, MY NEW BOOK?
Mark: Yeah, here it is: “Hookers, Tricks and Cops” by Loren Christensen.
Loren: MMM, THAT’S NOT MY BOOK, MARK!
Mark: Well, it’s got your name on it right there!
(laughter)
Loren: I THINK YOU HAVE ME MISTAKEN WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
Mark: But it says right here that you are the subject matter expert on the topic.
(laughter)
Loren: (nervously) THAT'S NOT ME! YOU GUYS HAVE ME MISTAKEN WITH ANOTHER LOREN CHRSTENSEN!
Mark: OK, OK, sure we do. So, tell us, how was your trip up to wonderful Uranium City?
Loren: TENACIOUS, COLD AND WET. THE COLD REALLY ISN'T THAT BAD ONCE YOU ARE IN THE SUBZERO ARENA. ANYWAY I HAVE NINE MORE TOES. OOOOOOHOOOO GOLLY!!!! SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, MARK IT IS AN HONOR TO BE HERE IN URANIUM CITY AFTER THESE MANY YEARS. YOU HAVE DONE QUITE WELL FOR YOURSELF, I CAN SEE. NICE SHOES. ARE THEY ANTIQUES??
Mark: (flickers, laughing) Straight from the 70’s, my friend. Just like me.
(laughter)
Mark: I hope the sled dogs weren’t a problem on your journey.
Loren: AHHH HELL NO, MAN. I LOVE DOGS. IN MANY WAYS DOGS ARE FAR MORE NOBLE THAN ANY MAN. BESIDES, THEY HELP KEEP YOU WARM WHEN OTHERS WON'T BE BOTHERED. GOD BLESS THE DOG!!!!
Mark: Well, they are known as man’s best friend, next to tricky hookers!
(laughter)
Mark: We haven’t heard from you in a while on Festung Europa, eh. What have you been up to lately, Loren?
Loren: WELL, I TURN 40 THIS YEAR, SO THERE ARE MID LIFE CONCERNS AND SELF DOUBT THAT A GUY HAS TO CONTEND WITH. I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH TO SAY BECAUSE THERE HASN'T BEEN A LOT THAT SEEMED WORTH MENTIONING LATELY. THE HOLIDAYS ARE ALWAYS A STRANGE TIME, FULL OF PARADOXES AND CONTRADICTIONS. I KIND OF LOST IT ON THAT LAST RANT, BUT I MUST SAY THAT I DID MEAN WHAT I SAID. IT HAS BEEN MONTHS SINCE ANYTHING FORWARD MOVING HAS TAKEN PLACE ON THE WORLD STAGE. EVERY ALTERNATIVE SEEMS TO SUCK.
Mark: So what are you saying, you’re in a funk of sorts?
(Orchestra goes into a short, James Brown-like, funky riff)
Loren: (winks and points to Hermann, chuckles) YEAH, I GUESS.
Mark: But you are keeping busy, they tell me. Tell us about your experiences in the Metroplex selling transportation to Xarlons.
Loren: IT'S VERY MUCH LIKE ACTING. IT'S FUNNY, REALLY. THERE'S A LOT OF FOLKS OUT THERE WHO THINK I AM "INTO" CARS. WHAT A HOOT!!! I COULDN'T POSSIBLY CARE LESS ABOUT CARS AND MOTORCYCLES AND RACIN' ETC. IT IS THE WAY I MAKE A LIVING. I AM AN ACTOR. I WILL BE WHO I HAVE TO BE FOR AN HOUR SO THAT YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE GETTING YOUR WALLET OUT TO SPEND MONEY THAT, FRANKLY, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SPEND. KIND OF LIKE THE DATING SCENE. MINIMALIZE THE SITUATION. COMPLICATE THE OBVIOUS AND SIMPLIFY THE COMPLEX. RELIGION AND POLITICS ALL FALL WITHIN THS VERY ORB OF THOUGHT. SOPHISTRY AT ITS BEST. I DON'T LIKE SOPHISTS, BUT I HAVE TO WEAR THEIR HAT OCCASIONALLY. THE XARLONS ARE ALL SOPHISTS. LIVING WITH THEM THESE MANY YEARS HAS GIVEN ME TIME TO READ THEIR MAIL AND PLAY THEIR VERY GAME BETTER THAN THEY DO.
Mark: “I’ll be whoever you want me to be for an hour?” Sounds like you did write this book!
(laughter)
Mark: How do you keep your cover deep within the heart of the Xarlon Metroplex, eh?
Loren: IT'S HARD TO KEEP COVER. I AM CONSTANTLY FRUSTRATED BY THE FACT THAT SOME OF THEM SEEM TO BE SINCERE IN THEIR THOUGHT AND DEED. I KNOW BETTER, THOUGH. IT CAN BE LONELY AS THE MORE ONE IS TEMPTED TO ASSIMILATE, THE MORE ONE PUTS HIMSELF IN DANGER OF BEING EXPOSED, AND ULTIMATELY CONSUMED BY THE POSTURING OF THESE CREATURES. IT HAS IN THE PAST BEEN DIFFICULT TO KEEP TO ONE’S SELF.
Mark: You seem to be a bit down, eh. Didn’t you go for a while under the name of “In Search of Sowelu”? What does that mean?
Loren: YES, IT MEANS IN SEARCH OF TRUTH AND INNER PEACE.
Mark: Are you still searching?
Loren: MORE THAN EVER.
(ahs from audience)
Mark: So, what do you do when you are not reporting or selling?
Loren: MOSTLY, I DRINK.
Mark: (burns brightly) Don’t we all?
(laughter)
Loren: THAT, AND I PLAY DRUMS, GUITAR, WATCH THE HISTORY CHANNEL, OCCASIONALLY READ. DO DISHES. CHECK HOMEWORK. BORING STUFF BUT NEEDING TO BE DONE JUST THE SAME.
Mark: You’ve been domesticated, eh?
Loren: I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT.
Mark: Have you been following Xarlon politics lately? Did you see the former Metroplex governor on our program last week? What is the deal with that, anyway?
Loren: HE IS A DELUSIONAL MAN. IT'S SAD, REALLY. I HAVE, IN THE PAST, MUSED THAT HE IS ACTUALLY RUNNING FOR SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE UNDER THE VEIL OF A REAL CANDIDATE. I THINK, HOWEVER, THAT HE REALLY THINKS HE IS THE MAN FOR THE JOB AND THAT HE HAS A REAL SHOT. BARNEY RUBBLE FOR PRES. WINNIE THE POOH COSTUME AND ALL. WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!
Mark: (flickers) Well, we had little patience for his drivel here. Do you have an early favorite in the 2008 presidential elections?
Loren: RUDY AND HILLARY SQUARE OFF FOR THE THRILLA IN MANILLA. 21ST CENTURY STYLE. HILLARY, AN APOLOGIST FOR THE CONSERVATIVES AND RUDY FOR THE LIBERALS. WHO KNOWS, BY THE TIME THEY GET DONE MAYBE THEY WILL RUN TOGETHER. THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON ANYWAY.
Mark: We shall find that out shortly. Hillary is our next guest, you know. Will you stick around and grill her with us?
Loren: I LOVE A GOOD BARBEQUE.
(laughter)
Mark: Super! We’ll be right back, folks, with Senator Hillary Clinton. But first, a word from our sponsors. Stay tuned!
(applause)
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