The Passion of Loren Christensen

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is time once again to check in with our Iowa correspondent and Man About Town, Loren Christensen, to get his interesting view of contemporary events. Let's see if I have a good connection to our correspondent, coming to us live from the heart of the Xarlon Metroplex. Loren, can you hear me?

Welcome to Stew Hansen's Dodge City. For sales, press one. For parts, press two...

*Presses one*

Stew Hansen's Dodge City, this is Bambi, may I help you?

Yes, could I speak to Loren Christensen please?

Just a moment please...

(30 seconds of Muzak version of Highway to Hell)
(picks up receiver)

THIS IS LOREN.

Hi, Loren, it's Chris again from Festung Europa. What is the news of the day in Iowa?

WELL CHRIS, WE ARE ALL GEARING UP FOR THE EASTER GALA IN ALL ITS FORMS. RABBITS EGGS AND VARIOUS OTHER PAGAN REGALIA PREPARE FOR A LARGE AND VERY PROFITABLE CHRISTIAN? HOLIDAY... IN OTHER NEWS A BIT OF JUSTICE HAS BEEN ACHIEVED. TOM DAVIS RETIRED AFTER FOUR SEASONS AS DRAKE'S HEAD BASKETBALL COACH, LEAVING THE REINS TO HIS SON, KENO. MEANWHILE IN IOWA CITY, MEGA SIX-PACK BOY STEVE ALFORD LEAVES IN DISGRACE FOR HIS NEW POST IN NEW MEXICO AKA ANTARCTICA. WHAT A BARGAIN. HAIL TOM DAVIS!!!!!!!! IF EVER THERE WAS A CASE FOR NEPOTISM, THIS IS IT.

It is the Christian Holy Week once again. How are you commemorating these events from the Christian calendar?

I AM PREPARING MYSELF FOR THE PASSAGE OF CHRIST'S PASSION IN MY OWN WAY AS I ALWAYS HAVE. I NEVER WAS ABLE TO FIT IN THE MAINSTREAM SO WHY START NOW????

From what I gather, you made the leap to Catholicism a few years back after having been brought up a Lutheran. Was this purely a pragmatic move, based upon your marriage to a Catholic, or was there some deeper meaning to be found in the transformation? I ask this, as your animosity towards the Pope during the 1990's was quite extreme.

I BELIEVE THAT WAS THE EIGHTIES, CHRIS.

I seem to remember it being the 90's, Loren.

WHATEVER, ANYWAY I HAD SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS AT THE TIME WITH POPE JOHN PAUL II'S INABILITY TO SEE THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS DECREES. NOW WITH THOSE VARIOUS PONTIFICATIONS, THE AIDS EPIDEMIC IN AFRICA IS VIRTUALLY UNSTOPPABLE AND IS CREEPING IN TO CHINA. HIS CONDEMNATION OF SECOND MARRIAGES HAS LED TO THE INSTITUTION ITSELF BECOMING EXTINCT IN MANY CIRCLES. HIS DECREES ON HOMOSEXUALITY HAVE TURNED GAYS INTO SUPERSTARS (SEE THE VIEW WITH ROSIE O' DONNELL). MORE GAY CULTURE HAS FLOURISHED DUE TO THE PERCEPTION OF PERSECUTION, THOUGH NOT AT ALL THE CASE. THE GAY LOBBY HAS MORE POWER THAN EVER THANKS TO OUR WONDERFUL 16TH CENTURY PONTIFF. HIS VIEWS ON CONTRACEPTION HAVE SENT THE OVERPOPULATION OF THE LEAST AMONG US SOARING, (REMEMBER THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT?) "BLESSED ARE THE MEEK AND THE POOR IN SPIRIT." THERE ARE PLENTY OF "THE MEEK" THANKS TO THAT DECREE. THE BASIC TEACHINGS OF CHRISTIANITY ARE ALIVE AND WELL IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, UNFORTUNATELY, ONE HAS TO WADE THROUGH ALL THE RITUALS AND TRADITIONS THE OLD INSTITUTION IS RIFE WITH IN ORDER TO GET TO THEM. CATHOLICS DO NOT PRAY TO MARY ANYMORE, THERE IS NO ABSOLUTION GIVE IN RETURN FOR GOODS AS IN THE PAST. MOST OF LUTHER'S BEEFS HAVE BEEN CORRECTED. WHAT A SHAME IT TOOK 500 YEARS AND MILLIONS KILLED TO DO IT. LET'S NOT FORGET, HE DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE , THEY KICKED HIS ASS OUT. PRIESTS NEED TO BE ALLOWED TO MARRY, PERIOD.

To what, if any, type of indoctrination were you subjected during the switch?

VIRTUALLY NONE...

What type, if any, of spiritual guidance do you impart to your children?

QUESTION EVERTHING AND NEVER FORGET THAT "ISMS" IN ALL THEIR FORMS GET PEOPLE KILLED. TAKE EVERY ASSERTATION GIVEN YOU WITH A GRAIN OF SALT AND ASSUME YOU ARE BEING SOLD AN IDEA. IDEAS CAN BE DEATH OR SALVATION. IN OTHER WORDS, THINK!!!! DAMN IT!!!!! THINK!!!!!

I remember once you were asked what you study, and you answered, "I study philosophy!" How does your philosophical background influence how you view the Christian mythology?

I THINK THE FACT THAT THE TEACHINGS OF ARISTOTLE AND PLATO FIT WELL INTO CHRISTIANITY ALLOW ONE TO BE A DEEP THINKER AND A CHRISTIAN AT THE SAME TIME. THE SENSE OF AN ORDER TO EVERYTHING PHYSICAL AND META-PHYSICAL IS THE BACKBONE OF THE RELIGION. THE REASON PLATO WANTED PHILOSOPHERS TO RULE WAS THAT ONLY DEEP THINKERS IN CONCERT WITH ONE ANOTHER CAN UNCOVER THE METAMORPHOSIS OF THE SPIRITUAL AND THE MUNDANE. IF THE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS HAD BEEN WHAT THEY WERE INTENDED TO DO THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A BODY. I DO NOT THINK THE OLD CHURCH CAN SURVIVE INDEFINITELY. THEY ARE LEFT BEHIND IN THEIR THINKING. THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT THEY NEED TO SUBSCRIBE TO RELATIVISM. WHAT IT MEANS IS THAT THEY NEED TO REEXAMINE THEIR AQUINAS AND AUGUSTINE AND YES, MARTIN LUTHER TEXTS AND REINVENT THEMSELVES WITH CANON LAW THAT IS LOGICAL AND CORRECT, NOT BASED OF THE SOCIAL WOES OF THE 4TH, 14TH AND 15TH CDENTURIES RESPECTIVELY. VATICAN TWO WAS A GOOD THING BUT IT STOPPED SHORT OF DOING WHAT POPE PAUL INTENDED IT TO DO. MAKE THE CHURCH IN A TRUE DIALOGUE WITH ALL CULTURES IN THE WORLD WE LIVE IN AND NOT SIMPLY A COLLECTION OF IF-THEN STATEMENTS FROM THE MIDDLE AGES. THEY INVENTED BEGGING THE QUESTION. "WHY??? BECAUSE I TOLD YOU SO."

What does being a Christian mean to you?

ACCEPTING THAT JESUS CHRIST WAS THE CHRIST AND HIS DEATH ON THE OCCASION OF PASSOVER COMPLETED THE OLD TESTIMENT IN THE PERFECT MANNER. IN SHORT, GOD DID TO HIMSELF WHAT HE WOULD NOT ASK ABRAHAM TO DO TO ISAAC. THE BLOOD IS THE SAME BLOOD THAT MOSES ORDERED ON THE DOORS IN EGYPT. DEATH WILL PASS US OVER AND OLD THINGS WILL BECOME NEW. THIS IS NOT THE STUFF YOU HEAR ON TV. IT'S CALLED FAITH BASED ON REASON. THE JUSTIFICATION OF RELIGIOUS BELIEF LIES IN THE ENTIRE STORY NOT SIMPLY BITS OF IT...

Thanks, Loren, for sharing your beliefs with us here at Festung Europa! It has been great chatting with you once again, and we hope you enjoy your holiday.